Sunday, March 24, 2013

CHAPOMBE

Chapombe kamuomba rafiki yake hela ya kwenda kunywa, 

rafiki yake akamjibu: siwezi kukupa pesa ukanywe pombe. Niombe pesa kwa jambo lingine ila si pombe! 

Chapombe: nikifa hutatoa mchango? 

Rafiki: ukifa mchango lazima nitatoa. 

Chapombe: basi nipe advansi ya huo mchango leo, nikifa utamalizia kabisa kilichobakia.

BUSY ROAD

Masanja was walking home from school with his friend ( a girl)

The girl: Masanja I know you are my best friend, and I would like to tell you something that has been disturbing me for so long!

Masanja: What is it?

The girl: Will you promise to keep it secret and help me?

Masanja: Sure!

The girl: Ok my problem is that my private part does not grow hair!!!

Masanja: Wait a minute!In your entire life have you ever seen grass growing on a busy road????


Saturday, March 23, 2013

MAMBO YA FORM FOUR

Moja ya sababu kwa nini asilimia 60 ya kizazi cha "Xaxa", "Xawa", "Xema", "Ya Ukwee" n.k. kimepata sufuri katika lipepa la form 4!

Haya ni baadhi ya majibu.


Pepa ya Maths.
Swali: Drake alinunua nyumba kwa mkopo was shilingi milioni 100 kwa riba ya asilimia 10 katika kipindi cha miaka miwili. Je atalipa shilingi ngapi jumla? (Maksi 10%)

Jibu: Mungu wangu! Umesema Drake wa Young Money Lebo? Kitu cha kwanza kabisa nipeni namba yake ya simu! Baada tu ya pepa nataka nipige naye kolabo!

Pepa ya Physics.

Swali: John hutumia dakika 40 kuendesha gari toka katikati ya mji hadi nyumbani kwake nahutumia mwendokasi wa kilomita 60 kwa saa. Kama angetembea kwa miguu angetumia mwendokasi gani kwa saa ili afike nyumbani kwa kutumia dakika 120?

Jibu: Kwanza kwa nini atumie miguu wakati gari analo? Mbona mnataka kututia wazimu? Atumie tu gari. Acheni hizi stori za kutumia miguu.

Pepa ya Bible:
Swali: David karudi nyumbani kutoka kazini na kumkuta mkewa amelala na mwanaume mwingine. Kulingana na maandiko ya Biblia na dhana nzima ya kusamehe, shauri huku ukitumia vifungu sahihi.

Jibu: Hapo hakuna stori. Vita lazima iwake! Mtu hawezi kula vitu vyangu namuangalia hivi hivi. Hamna mambo ya kifungu hata!

Pepa ya English:
Swali: Add a question tag on this sentence. "I am bored".
Jibu: Si uingie Facebook. Kuwega tag lazima uingie Facebook.


Wednesday, March 20, 2013

ACHA BANGI

MVUTA bangi alikwenda kwa daktari na kumwambia.


“Mara nyingi huwa nazungumza na watu,lakini cha kushangaza watu hao huwa siwaoni, utanisaidiaje daktari?”



Daktari: “Ni wakati gani huwa inakujia hali kama hiyo?”



Mvuta bangi:


 “Mara nyingi pale ninapoongea nao kwa simu.”

KATA KIU

JAMES BOND


On a flight James bond was sitting next to a Indian guy.

Indian Guy: “Hello, May I know your name please?”

James Bond: “My name is Bond’ Continuing in his inimitable style…..James Bond.”

Then Bond asks: “And you?

Indian Guy: “My name is Rao…
“Siva Rao…
“Samba Siva Rao…
“Venkata Samba Siva Rao…
“Yarlagadda Venkata Samba Siva Rao…
“Rajasekhara Yarlagadda Venkata Samba Siva Rao…
“Sitaramanjaneyula Rajasekhara Yarlagadda Venkata Samba Siva Rao…
“Vijayawada Sitaramanjaneyula Rajasekhara Yarlagadda Venkata Samba Siva Rao…

Since then when anyone asks Bond his name he simply says ‘James Bond’

A DUCK??


Three doctors went duck hunting and a bird flew overhead.

The general practitioner looked at it and said, “Looks like a duck, flies like a duck… it’s probably a duck,” and he took a shot at it but missed and the bird flew away.

When the next bird came into view, the pathologist looked at it, then through the pages of a bird manual, and said, 

“Hummmm… white wings, yellow bill, quacking sound… might be a duck,” and by the time he raised this gun to shoot, the bird was long gone.

The surgeon raised his gun and shot down a third bird almost without looking, then turned to the pathologist and said, 

“Go see if that was a duck.”

DIVORCE


A married couple is driving along the highway doing a steady fourty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel.

Her husband abruptly looks across at her, speaking in a clear voice, and says, “Darling, I know we’ve been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce.”

The wife says nothing, keeping her eyes on the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.

The husband speaks again, saying this time, “I don’t want you to try and talk me out of it, because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and she’s a far better lover than you.”

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.

He pushes his luck. “I want the house,” he demands.

Up to 65 mph. “I want the car, too,” he continues. Up to 75 mph! “And,” he says, “I’ll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards, the boat, and our dog!”

The car slowly begins veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her, “Isn’t there anything you want?”

At last the wife replies – in a quiet and controlled voice. “No, I’ve got everything I need.” she says.

“Oh, really?” he inquires, “So what exactly have you got?

Just before they slam into the wall at 80 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles, 

“The airbag.”

Monday, March 18, 2013

DAWA YA KITUNGUU

ENDELEA KULIA

Nimemkuta rafiki yangu analia kama mtoto mdogo chumbani kwake;

MIMI: Oya mshkaji vipi tena nani kafa?


MSHKAJI: Yaani Gulo kaniuwa, hivihivi bila kosa kaniuwa


MIMI: Hebu tulia nambie ishu nzima


MSHKAJI: Si unajua nimekuwa namlipia Gulo ada toka sekondari mpaka sasa yuko chuo nikijua ndio niko peke yangu na nitamuoa?


MIMI: Ndio


MSHKAJI: Jana nikataka kuangalia kanisevu nini kwenye simu yake


MIMI: Ok


MSHKAJI: Si kanisevu eti Mchungaji Peter 12


MIMI: Sasa tatizo liko wapi


MSHKAJI: Nilipoangalia majina mengine sinimekuta kuna Pasta Hamfrey, Pasta Henry, Askof Kitime , na kuna Mchungaji Peter 1 mpaka mimi wa 12, wakati hata siku moja haendi kanisani wala maombi


MIMI: Dah endelea kulia mwanangu


BWEGE FLANI

Kijana fulani alikuwa safarini, gari likamharibikia kijijini akaomba hifadhi katika nyumba moja akakaribishwa. Baada ya kuoga na kula:

Mzee mwenye nyumba: Sasa huyu mgeni sijui alale wapi?


Mama mwenye nyumba: Saa hizi ni usiku akalale na Bebi.

Jamaa kusikia jina Bebi akaona lazima huyu ni mtoto na labda anakojoa kitandani au analia akaona asije kumsumbua bure usiku.

Jamaa: Msipate tabu mi nitalala hapa hapa sebuleni kwenu.


Akalala.

Asubuhi wakati wanakunywa chai akaibuka msichana mmoja mrembo ajabu. Jamaa akapigwa na bumbuwazi karibu angejimwagia chai.

Binti: Umeamkaje mgeni? Naitwa Bebi, sijui wewe unaitwa nani?


Jamaa akajibu: aaaaaaaargghh!Mimi naitwa Mjinga bin Imekula Kwangu.


Saturday, March 16, 2013

LASTING FOREVER

A man walks into a jewelry store to buy his girlfriend an engagement ring.

Looking behind the glass case, he comes across an exquisite band with a handsome-sized rock in its center.

"Excuse me sir," the gentleman says to the salesman. "How much is this ring?"

"Ah, that's a beautiful piece," the salesman replies. "It goes for $10,000."

"My God!" the man exclaimed. "That's a lot of money!"

"Yes, but a diamond is forever."

"Perhaps," the gentleman replied, "but my marriage won't last that long!"


Friday, March 15, 2013

STRESS FREE

TEACHER: Assume you are walking in a jungle, suddenly you are face to face with a lion, what will you do?

STUDENT: I will stop assuming!!


Thursday, March 14, 2013

MAMBO 30

MAMBO 30 YANAYOKUONESHA KUWA SASA UMRI UMEKUTUPA MKONO....

1. Huna muda wa kushinda na mpenzi wako kutwa nzima mkipiga stori za mapenzi
2. Ukihitaji kufanya mapenzi mahali unakokufikiria ni kitandani
3. Unaanza kujaza friji lako kwa vyakula zaidi kuliko pombe
4. Muziki unaoupenda unausikia ukiwa kwenye lifti ama kwenye gari lako ukienda na kutoka kazini
5. Saa 11 alfajiri ndiyo muda unaoamka, na siyo muda tena unaorudi kulala
6. Unatazama taarifa ya habari hadi utabiri wa hali ya hewa
7. Rafiki zako wanakualika zaidi kwenye vikao vya harusi kuliko mtoko wa kwenda Maisha Club
8. Ukienda dukani kununua kitu unakuwa na juhudi sana ya kuomba upunguziwe bei
9. Idadi ya tisheti na jinsi inapungua kwa kasi kwenye kabati lako la nguo
10.Wewe ndiyo unayekumbuka kuwapigia simu polisi endapo mtaani kwenu kuna vijana wavuta bangi wanaowasumbua
11. Ndugu zako watu wazima wanajisikia kawaida tu kufanya utani wa kiutu uzima mbele yako
12. Hukumbuki tena Azam Ice Cream na Samaki Samaki wanafunga saa ngapi
13. Timu yako ya mpira ikifungwa hutaki tena kutaniwa na watu
14. Wanyama uwapendao kama mbwa na paka unawaandalia chakula kwa kanuni za kisayansi badala ya kuwapa mabaki uliyotoka nayo Subway ama Steers
15. Ukilala kwenye kochi unaamka mgongo unakuuma sana
16. Unaithamini sana ratiba yako ya kulala
17. Ukiwa nyumbani unaanza kutumia muda wako wa ziada kulima lima bustani ya maua ama mbogamboga badala ya kutazama filamu na kuzurura
18. Kila kitu kikinunuliwa nyumbani jambo la kwanza unalouliza, "Umenunua sh' ngapi?"
19. Unakwenda duka la madawa kununua Ibuprofen na Antacid, siyo kondomu tena wala kipima mimba
20. Unaanza kununua magazeti ya Mwananchi, The Express, Citizen na Nipashe badala ya Uwazi, Ijumaa, Kiu na Amani
21. Unapata kifungua kinywa kwa wakati
22. Ukiwa baa unanunua bia unazohitaji wewe badala ya kusema "zungusha kama tulivyo"
23. Asilimia 90 ya muda unaoutumia kwenye kompyuta yako unautumia kufanya kazi badala ya kuchati
24. Ukijisikia hamu ya kunywa kilevi unaanza kunywea nyumbani ili kupunguza gharama kabla hujaenda baa
25. Ukimwona rafiki yako yu mjamzito unampongeza sana badala ya kumwuliza, "imekuwaje tena?"
26. Ukienda kutembea mahali unaulizia bei za viwanja
27. Hupendi tena kuwaazimisha marafiki zako magari yako
28. Ukiwa na rafiki zako unapenda kujadiliana nao kuhusiana na mfumuko wa bei na mfumo mbovu wa utawala
29. Ukiwa unakula chakula unakuwa mkali ikitokea chakula kimewekwa mafuta mengi ama chumvi nyingi
30. Ukimaliza kusoma kanuni hizo 29 hapo juu unaanza kuhesabu ambazo unaingia wewe.

Ukiona una nusu ya sifa hizi 30 basi huhitaji kupigiwa kengele kukumbushwa kuwa umri ushayoyoma..­...!!!!!!!


Wednesday, March 13, 2013

REVENGE OF ITS OWN TYPE

John, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at 4:00 a.m. by his ringing telephone.

"Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said an angry voice.

John thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number before hanging up.

The next morning at precisely 4:00 a.m., John called his neighbor back.

"Good morning, Mr. Williams. I just called to say that I don't have a dog."


Tuesday, March 12, 2013

EXAM ROOM

Students eyes in the class

(-_-) (-_-) (-_-) (-_-) (-_-) (-_-) (-_-) (-_-)

When teacher say tomorrow will be exam


(O_O) (O_O) (O_O) (O_O) (O_O) (O_O)

During the exam


(→_→) (←_←) (→_→) (←_←) (→_→) (←_←)

When invigilator comes in


(↓_↓) (↓_↓) (↓_↓) (↓_↓) (↓_↓)
 (↓_↓) (↓_↓)


Thursday, March 7, 2013

MATOKEO NECTA

Johnny's NECTA results are finally out..

Baba Johnny: Johnny naskia results zilitokea?

Johnny: Daddy unakumbuka Patrick, yule alitop last year shule?? amefeli.

Baba Johnny: Wah!!! what happend?

Johnny: Unakumbuka Shiro pia? yule alikuwa ananifundisha maths?? amefeli pia

Baba Johnny: Ghai??? whats with her poor perfomance?

Johnny: Walai ata cjui..unakumbuk­a pia Chebet?? yule alikuwa anashinda science contest zote?? amefeli pia??

Baba Johnny: kweli?? Na yako ilikuaje?

Johnny: Unakumbuka hadi Headboy wetu?? amefeli ­ pia

Baba Johnny: (akiwa amekasirika) Johnny!!! na wewe umepata nini??

Johnny: baba wewe nawe, kama hao wote wamefail sasa unaexpect nini???


Wednesday, March 6, 2013

USHAURI

Mzee wa miaka 90 kaoa mke wa miaka 19. Baada ya muda mke apata ujauzito. 

Mzee akaenda kwa daktari kuomba ushauri. 

Mzee: Dokta, nina umri wa miaka 90 na sasa mke wangu mpya ni mjamzito. Na mlisema katika umri huu siwezi kumpa mwanamke ujauzito tena. Unaweza kunieleza chochote? 

Dokta: Labda nikupe mfano. Uko porini unawinda, ghafla ukamuona simba anakujia kwa kasi, ukanyanyua bunduki yako kumlenga simba umuue lakini ukagundua kwamba kumbe ulibeba mwamvuli badala ya bunduki, ghafla unamuona simba kaanguka na kufa kwa risasi. Utawaza nini? 

Mzee: Mhhhh, dokta hapo lazima kuna mtu mwingine porini muda huo ndo itakuwa kanisaidia kumpiga huyo simba risasi.