JEURI MBAYA

Hii ilitokea katika daladala litokalo posta kwenda ubungo, 

kondakta kauliza ''manzese hapo kuna mtu anashuka?'' 

Dada m1 akajibu ''Tuna mitandio''. 

Konda kauchuna, 

kufika ubungo maziwa yule dada kafika akamwambia konda, 

''Konda nashuka maziwa'' 

Konda akamwambia 

''Kayanunulie sidiria''.

UNA BAHATI LEO...

Mdada alikuwa akisafiri kwenye basi, ghafla Jamaa aliyekuwa kakaa kiti cha nyuma akamtapikia

JAMAA: Samahani dada lakini una bahati sana

MDADA: Mshenzi mkubwa umenitapikia halafu unasema nina bahati

JAMAA: Ndio leo nimetoka kula pilau, kwa kawaida saa hizi huwa nakuwa nimekunywa kangara

GOOD AND BAD NEWS

Pastor Masanja aliendelea na ibada kisha akasema:

"Today i have good news and bad news for you...."

waumini wakaitikia haleluyaah...

"mtumishi wa Mungu tungependa kusikia habari hizo..”

“The good news is we have enough money to build a new modern church"

(Everyone just cheered, clapped na wamama wakaanzisha wimbo.... Aleluyaaaah! Huuuu!)

After kutulia pastor Masanja went on:)

"The bad news is that the money is still in your pockets"

(Sahizo kila mtu anajifanya hajaskia)

WHO DO U LIKE MORE???

DAD: Who do you like more, Mum or Dad?

JOTI: Both.


DAD: Ok if I go to America and your mum goes to Paris, where will you go

JOTI: Paris 

DAD: That means you like your mum more?

JOTI: No, I like Paris.

DAD: OK, if I go to Paris and your mum goes to America, where will you go

JOTI: America.

DAD: [angry] Why!?

JOTI: Because I've been to Paris before

RESULTS

A man had 2 sons; Ken and Johnny who sat for an examination.

When the result came out, the father called both of them to ask them some questions:

Father: Ken, come here. You did very well in your exams, you got A's in chains.

Ken: Yes daddy, I want to study in America that's why I got A's.

Father: ... and you Johnny, can you explain why you got E's in chains?

Johnny: Yea Papa, its my Dream to study in England.

ALWAYS LISTEN

A 5yr old girl is sitting at dinner table with her dad.

Cellphone rings, dad excuses himself, goes outside and talks for a few minutes then comes back to continue his meal.

5yr old says: "Dad I have something to tell u"
Dad slaps her n yells at her; "How many times must I tell you not 2 talk while eating?"

Ten minutes later dinner is finished and dad ask…: "So what did u want to tell me?"

In tears the 5yr old girl said: "While u were on the phone the cat pissed in ur food...!"

HAUKO SIRIASI

Simu ya binti inaita ngriiiiiiiiiii ngriiiiiiiiiii. Binti anapokea. Jamaa upande wa pili akaanza:

Jamaa: Haloo mpenzi, vipi hali yako?

Binti: Kichwa kinanigonga si mchezo, sijui ni maleria au ni kichwa tu! Naumwa sana. Uko wapi swirii?

Jamaa: Niko town my dear. Natamani nije kukuona baadaye, nikuletee nini?

Binti: Wow! Mpenzi unanipenda sana. Niletee Chipsi Kuku, Ice Cream, Chocolate, na lile gauni na viatu ulivyoniambia, na vocha ya buku 10 please!

Jamaa: Nilikuwa najua unaumwa ila naona uongo umekuzidi.

Binti: Khaa, naumwa mwenzio! Tena sana. Kwani vipi we mwanaume?!

Jamaa: Na mbona hiyo list ya vitu umetaja hakuna hata Panadol?!

Binti: Jamani, ni kujisahau tu mpenzi wangu!

Jamaa: Hauko serious! Chapa mwendo.

WHERE IS THE MOUSE??

TWENDE BASI

Jamaa kazoeana na mdada wakati wanangoja daladala kituoni;

JAMAA: Sasa nauliza tu kwa mfano mtu anakuja anakwambia mwende gest atakulipa milioni tano utakubali?

MDADA: Hapo sina ujanja ntakubali

JAMAA: Mi nina alfu tano twende gest

MDADA: He we baba unadhani mi changudoa?

JAMAA: Mi nadhani tatizo letu hapa ni bei, hayo mengine majibu tumeshajua, basi alfu kumi je?

NJOO UKU

NIMETOKA WAPI??

MASANJA: Eti baba mi nilitoka wapi?

BABA: Dah, unajua mwanangu umeuliza swali zuri sana, kimsingi, ni mefurahi kuwa umeuliza, sasa eh eh eh sasa yaani mi na mama yako tulifahamiana kwanza kwenye facebook, hatimae tukakutana faragha ndio babu yako akatulazimisha tuoane ndio baada ya miezi michache wewe ukaja, sijui umeelewa nadhani

MASANJA: Wala sijaelewa, mwenzangu Joti kasema yeye katoka Songea, sasa mimi nimetoka wapi sijui

PASIWEDI

USAFI WA UKWELI

INSHA YA VITA

Mwalimu aliwaagiza wanafunzi wake waandike insha ya maneno 100 kila mmoja kuhusu vita ya Tanzania na Uganda kipindi cha Idd Amin. 

"Andika insha ya maneno yasiyozidi 100 ukiwa ni mwanajeshi katika vita vya Idd Amin wa Uganda na Tanzania kuanzia vita vinaanza hadi vilipoisha."

Wakati wa kusahihisha insha hizo mwalimu akakutana na insha ya
mwanafunzi mmoja aliyeandika:

"Yawaaaaaaaa! Uwiiiiiiii! Mama nakufaaaaaaaaaaa!!" Insha imeisha.

Mwalimu akamuita akamuuliza: mbona umeandika maneno machache hivi?

Mwanafunzi akajibu: yaani ile naingia tu vitani mpakani Kagera nikapigwa risasi hivyo sikumaliza vita.

MAMBO YA FESIBUKU

Niliangalia status tatu za Demu flani apa Facebook, ilikuwa ivi.

STATUS YA KWANZA:
"Leo lazima niende club"
Friday at 5:15pm
via Nokia

STATUS YA PILI:
"lol, siamini aiseee... Yaani kizee cha miaka 60 kimeniambia kinataka kiwe na mimi usiku mzima afu anipe simu ya blackberry!! Inaboa, anadhani mi ni Malaya"
Friday at 11:23pm
via Nokia

STATUS YA 3:
"Wow,... Usiku wa Jana ulikua poa sana, najisikia poa sana asubuhi ya Leo"
Saturday at 8:09am
via BlackBerry