Tuesday, July 30, 2013

BASH PARTY

I have just attended a closed-door meeting where plans for the BIG UHURUTO BASH PARTY were being discussed. All politicians from All coalitions will attend. Mary Wambui of Othaya was the M.C. And I recorded her distributing responsibilities to various politicians on that BIG DAY…

FOOD:
Hiyo ni sector ya Ngilu na Mudavadi. Mambo ya Ugari wewe Ngiru ndio utashugurikia. Ugari razima ipikwo kupikwo. Sufuria utaoba Mama Ngina. Na mwiko chukua kwa bibi ya Kabogo. Na wewe Mudavadi unatakiwa uchije kuku erfu biri. Na miguu urete niweke. Sitaki upotee nayo. Na pia stew,wewe dio utapika,sawa sawa MaDVD??

COWS:
Kutachijwo ng’ombe mia sita. Na kazi ya ng’ombe ni ya Gideon Moi. Na usiniurize hizo ng’obe zote zitatoka wapi, chukua za baba yako. Na ngozi ya ng’obe usitupe. Wekea Waititu. Arikuwa ame-book. Na ni ng’ombe za dume pekee. Sio ati muende mukachije ng’obe za musichana….

SERVING:
Kethi Kilonzo wewe dio utafanya serving ya kuku. Miguu yote ni ya senior politicians kama Uhuru,Kibaki na Ruto…Vifua itakuriwo na the second senior poriticians kama Kidero na Ngilu na Barara. Arafu shingo zitakuriwo na akina Bifwoli Wakori na Ma MP wa Meru,na katharika.

TEA:
Wetangula chai ni kazi yako. Unafaa upike rita mia moja za chai. Thafuria za kupika kujia kwangu. Na kama hazitatosha chukua za bibi ya Muite. Chai upike kupika. Na maziwa ikuwe mabo baya. Sukari tutatumia ya Mumias STRICTLY. Si ati mukuje kutuwekea sukari sukari za kienyeji hapa ziko na mpaka maganda ya miwa dani. Umeskia Wetagura??

ENTERTAINMENT:
Esther Murugi,si urikuwa umesema utatoa guo uhuru akiperekwo Hague? Haaaaya. Sasa wewe dio OFFICIAL STRIPPER wa hio party. Utapatiwo better details na your fero strippers Huddah Monroe na Vera Sidika,ure wa You Guy. Mutastripia foreign dignitaries. Akina Jacob Zuma wa South Africa. Na muvae ada wear safi! Ní mwaigua??

TOILET:
Joshua Kutunny hata kama watu wa Cherengany warikunyima kazi ,mimi nitakupea. Wewe dio utashugurikia mabo ya kuonyesha wageni choo. Utavaa uniform imechorwa choo bere na nyuma. Na utasimama mahari strategic. Mugeni akitaka kwenda choo,utamupereka. Na akitaka kuhara,unambeba mpaka kwa choo bio bio.

ALCOHOL.
William Kabogo hii dio kazi yako. Pobe razima ikuwe kwa wingi. Na kutakuwa na category tatu ya pobe. Pobe za ma VIP,akina Uhuru,yaani Barcadi na Cîroc. Pobe za kawaida,yaani Pilsner na Tusker,za akina Njeru Githae na Peter Kenneth. Harafu pobe za makali,yaani Bluemoon. Za akina Waititu na Muite.

HYPEMAN:
Orengo na Ababu Namwamba,nyinyi dio mutakuwa ma Hypemen. Na maM.C wa iyo siku. Nataka muINCITE watu wajae kwa dancefroo. Na pia muINCITE D.J acheze nyibo moto moto.

SECURITY:
Martha Karua,kazi ya uBOUNCER ni yako PEKE YAKO. Utakuwa hapo kwa enterance. Mutu akireta nyoko nyoko,unamchapa tu ire jicho yako ya ‘Iron Lady’ mpaka anaturia. Hapo najua uko chojo kama gari ya zimamoto.

USHERS:
Esther Passaris na Peter Kenneth. Nyinyi dio mutakuwa Main Ushers. Mutavaa guo zinafanana za rangi nyekudu kama damu ya mbuzi kwa kichijio. Na muchanue nywere kama ciana sya thukuru. Ní mwaigua??

COMEDY:
Otieno Kajwang’ iyo dio sector yako. Wewe na Sonko nataka mushekeshe watu mpaka washute ama wajikojoree. Whichever comes first. Na usianze kuiba ati mapabano,mapabano. Nyibo pereka Supreme Court.

WOMEN’S HANDBAGS:
Iyo ni kazi yako Chebes(Shebesh) .wewe dio utachunga handbag za female guests. Sijui utaziweka wapi ,rakini nataka zikuwe safe. Ata kama utazificha kwa nywere yako ni sawa. Bora security.

HAND-WASHING:
S.K Macharia, kazi ya kuosha guests mikono ni yako. Nataka uwaoshe mikono mpaka ikuwa safi kama signal ya Citizen T.V Githurai. Sawa sawa? Thafuni wa kuosha mikono utachukua kwa duka ya Kabado wa Kabado.

SOCIAL MEDIA:
Dennis Itumbi uko wapi ? Iyo dio area yako. Utakuwa ukipiga pisha every minute arafu unazi uproad kwa facebook na twita. Harafu unanitag. Na unatag Robert Alai pia dio asikie kíwaru. Sawa Sawa??

PARKING:
And finally mabo ya parking itashugurikiwo na Waititu. Mutu aki-park vibaya unachapa gari yake mawe mpaka unamariza vioo. Na akiedelea kupark vibaya unaINCITE watu dio muchome iyo gari mpaka aitoe hapo. Hapo sawa? Haaaaaya!
BARIKIWENI . Madugu na Madada:

Monday, July 29, 2013

BOSS VS LEADER

FIRST TIME

Masawe gets married, and on his wedding night calls his father to get some tips on what to do since he had never been with a woman before.

"So what do I do first?"

His father: "Take her clothes off and lay
her on the bed"

5 minutes later Masawee is on the phone again.

"She's naked and in bed what do I do
now?" His father can't believe what he is hearing,

"Take your damn clothes off and get into bed with her."

After another 5 minutes Masawee is on the phone again.

"Dad, I'm naked and in bed with her,

what do I do now?"

His father's patience is now running out so he says,"stupid son, do I have to spell everything out to you? Just put the hardest thing on your body where she pees. Good night !!!!"

Just when his father starts snoring, his son is on the phone again.

"OK Dad, I have my head in the toilet bowl what do I do now?"

"Drown yourself, you bloody idiot!"
 


Saturday, July 27, 2013

ZUZU TASLIMU

MSICHANA: Namchukia mvulana wangu.

ZUZU: Kwa nini?


MSICHANA: Yaani ni mtu wa bei rahisi sana, hawezi hata kuninunulia dinner. Hivi wanaume wote mpo hivyo?


ZUZU: Hapana. huyo yeye tu, sisi hatupo namna hiyo. Hata mimi sipo namna hiyo.


MSICHANA: Nakwenda kuachana nae leo hii hii.


ZUZU: Sawa. Ila utakapoachana nae, unaweza kuja kwangu, sina msichana halafu nakuhitaji sana.


MSICHANA: (Akasimama na kutaka kuondoka, ZUZU akamshika mkono)


ZUZU: Ndio unataka kuondoka? Unakwendawapi sasa?


MSICHANA: Nakwenda kuvunja uhusiano na yeye ili niwe nawe kwa uhuru.


ZUZU: Hapana. Huwezi kuondoka.


MSICHANA: Kwa nini?


ZUZU: Sasa ukiondoka nani atakayelipia hiki chakula tulichokula!


Friday, July 26, 2013

KWELI MTUPU

A lawyer hopes U get into trouble. 

A doctor hopes U fall ill. 

An undertaker hopes U fall dead. 

Only a thief wishes U well...

nini sasa unabisha????

GETTING OLD

Two old men were sitting in the yard outside the care home one day when Tim turned to the other and said "John I'm really feeling my age today I just hurt all over, how are you feeling?

John replied "I feel just like a new born babe"

Tim looked at him startled "A New Born babe really?"

"Yep, I have no hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."
 


USHUZI

Haha Andunje alijamba (kwa sauti na harufu kali) darasani basi mwalimu wa somo la hisabati akamtoa nje ya darasa.

Akiwa nje akaanza kucheka kwa nguvu peke yake,


mara mwalimu mkuu akapita na kumuuliza.

M/mkuu: haya we Andunje unacheka nini na kwanini uko nje ya darasa?


Andunje: nilijamba darasani sasa mwalimu akanitoa nje ya darasa, sasa kinachonifurahisha ni kwamba mimi niko nje navuta hewa safi kabisa wao wako darasani wanapata tabu na harufu ya ushuzi wangu.

Muwe na siku njema


WHERE DO YOU LIVE?

Police: Where do you live?

Small Boy: with my parents.


Police: Where do your parents live?


Small Boy: With me.


Police: And where do you live all?


Small Boy: Together


Police: Where is Your Home?


Small Boy: Beside my neighbors' house.


Police: Where is your neighbors' house?


Small Boy: If I tell you, you won't believe me.


Police: Tell me?


Small Boy: Next to my house.


FUNNY COURT CONVERSATION

TOO FUNNY NOT TO PASS ON!!
How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

NANI MBABE

sikiliza mazungumzo haya...

wikipedia: ninajua kila kitu


google: nina kila kitu


facebook: namjua kila mtu


internet: bila mimi hamna kitu


umeme: endeleeni kuongea....


SUPER GLUE

Fred and Mary got married but couldn't afford a honeymoon, so they went back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first night together. 

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, got up and had his breakfast. 

As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet. 

She replies, 'No'. 

Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?' 

His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.' 

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?' 

She replies, 'No.' 

Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?' 

His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school ' 

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?' 

His mom says, 'No.' He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Ok, now tell me what you think?' 

He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline, and I think..I gave him my super glue.'

ANDUNJE

Andunje aliingia chumbani kwa wazazi wake na kuwabamba akawauliza

"Baba, mnafanya nini?"

Baba yake akamjibu

"namdunda mama yako"

Andunje akakaa kwa mda akitafakari kwa huzuni kabisa na sauti ya kipole

"Mama, jamani sasa ni kosa gani umefanya mpaka ustahili adhabu kubwa namna hiyo?? yaani leo tu peke yake umepigwa na wanaume wanne tofauti,

Kwanza, alikua mlinzi Masanja, badae ikawa huyu housiboy Vengu, akafuata muuza magazeti, Mpoki na sasa baba.

Kwanini lakini? we Mama utakua mtundu na mkorofi saaana"

BAADA YA APO

Andunje kwa sasa anaishi kwa shangazi yake, Mama Belle,

Baba yake yupo rumande kwa kosa la kuua

Mazishi ya mama yake yamepangwa kufanyika wikiendi hii

vp utahudhuria??