ZUZU

Zuzu gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. 

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed,sweating and panting. 

"What's up?" he says. 

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,

"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.

Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

You rotten bastard," says the husband, 

"my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!! 

BARUA YA WAZI KWA BILL GATES

Kwenda kwa: Bill Gates, Microsoft
Kutoka kwa: Zuzu, Tanzania
Tarehe: 22 Agosti 2013 ...
...

YAH: MATATIZO KWENYE COMPUTER YETU.
Ndugu Bill Gates,
Anko wangu amenunua kompyuta mpya kwa ajili ya kutumia nyumbani kwetu. Nilipoichunguza nimegundua ina matatizo kadhaa.
Nimeamua kukuandikia barua hii ili uyafanyie kazi.

1. Kuna batani ya 'start' lakini hakuna batani ya 'stop'. Tafadhali tazama kwa makini.

2. Nina mashaka kama umeweka 're-guta' maana nimeona umeweka tu 're-cycle', lakini nyumbani kwetu kuna guta na siyo baskeli.

3. Pia nimeona kuna sehemu ya 'Find' lakini wala haifanyi kazi. Anti yangu jana alipoteza funguo.
Nimejaribu sana kubonyeza find ili itusaidie kutafuta funguo imeshindwa. Naripoti tatizo hili.

4. Nimeona tu kuna 'Microsoft word' sasa nataka kujifunza 'Microsoft sentence', sasa ni lini utatuwekea Microsoft Sentence?

5. Tumenunua CPU, mouse na keyboard, lakini kuna kipicha kimoja tu kinachoonyesha 'My Computer':
lini utatuwekea vipicha kwa ajili ya hivyo vifaa vingine?

6. Nimeshangaa kuona kompyuta imeandika mahali 'MY Pictures' lakini sijaona picha yangu hata moja humo. Lini mtaziweka?

7. Pia mmeweka 'MICROSOFT OFFICE' inakuwaje kuhusu 'MICROSOFT HOME' kwa kuwa hii ni kompyuta tunayotumia nyumbani
kwetu na wala siyo ofisini.

8. Pia umeweka 'My Recent Documents'. Vipi kuhusu 'My Past Documents'?

9. Pia umeweka 'My Network Places'. Tafadhali sana iondoe hiyo maana anko atakuwa anajua
mahali nilipo, kuna siku huwa natoroka shule.

Jambo la mwisho. Wewe jina lako ni GATES sasa kwa nini umeamua kuuza WINDOWS?

Wako mtiifu
ZUZU!

UMEONA NINI?

Siku moja mwalimu wa kike alikua anatoa Home work kwa wanafunzi wa darasa la sita . 

Ilikua ni homework ndefu ikabidi aanze kuandika juu kabisa ya ubao , akiwa anaendelea kuandika huku amesimamia vidole ili aweze kufikia juu ya ubao . Mwalimu alikua ni mzuri na siku hiyo alivaa kimini .

Mara ghafla alisikia dogo mmoja ametoa mguno !! 
Aligeuka na kumuuliza " kilichokufanya ugune nini patric ?"

[PATRIC]. " nomeona skin tyt yako imetokeza mguu wa kushoto na uzi una ning'inia " 

[ MWALIMU] huku akigeukia ubao " toka nje darasani kwangu na pia adhabu yako usije shule siku tatu pumbavu watoto wasiku hizi hamna adabu "

Mwalimu aligundua kua hajaandika kichwa cha habari hivyo alilazimika kujinyoosha na kujipinda ili aweze fikia juu kabisa ya ubao . Mara akasikia mguno mwingine darasani aligeuka fasta ...

" Enhe na ww hussein una guna nn ? Kuna kinacho furahisha ?"

[HUSSEIN] " nimeona mapaja mwalimu na skin tyt yako nyeusi afu ina kama mpasuo "

[MWALIMU] kwa hasira " toka njee sitaki kukuona darasani kwangu , nadhani ni muda wakutoa adhabu Kali usije shule wiki tatu na ukija uje na mzazi wako "

Kwakua mwalimu alijiskia aibu na kutoheshimiwa alipata mawazo huku akiwa anaendelea kuandika mara ghafla akaangusha chaki , akageukia darasa na kuinama kuiokota ...

Sasa aliskia mwanafunzi mmoja wakiume akiguna na kucheka ,wengine walicheka kwa kujificha , alipo geuka upande wa kushoto , mara mwalimu alimuona dogo JOHN akitoka njee ya darasa ..

[MWALIMU] "kuja hapa john na ww unadhani unaenda wapi bila ruhusa ???" 

[JOHN] " mwalimu mie nilicho kiona kwakweli nadhani NIMEMALIZA SHULE, nimefukuzwa hadi mtihani wa la SABA ...."

ASANTE

Mama: "Mwanangu,njoo nikufundishe hesabu.." 

Dogo: "Haya mama." 

Mama: "Kwa mfano shangazi yako akikupa maandazi mawili, halafu akakupa tena maandazi mawili jibu lako litakuwa nini?" 

Dogo: "Asante shangazi.

KARIBU

KOMESHA WAOMBA LIFT

LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP

STATUE

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. 

"Hurry!" she said, "Stand in the corner." 

She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, Honey?" the husband inquired, as he entered The room.

"Oh, it's just a statue,"

she replied nonchalantly.

"The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the 'statue', 

"Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smith's for two days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water."