Made by You

GM

MKAKA: Mambo mrembo?

MDADA: Safi

MKAKA: Tafadhali naomba nizungumze machache na wewe

MDADA: We vipi kila mwanamke ukimuona unataka kuongea nae

MKAKA: Nisikilize kwanza, mi mtu mzima nina akili zangu siwezi kukusimamisha bila sababu

MDADA: Ok unasemaje?

MKAKA: Asante kwa kunipa muda, mimi ni GM hapo benki, ndugu zangu wamekuwa wakinilazimisha nioe nimekataa muda mrefu, nilipokuona tu roho imenisimama, nataka kukuoa basi

MDADA: Umesema GM wa Benki?

MKAKA: Ndio mrembo wangu nimekuwa GM hapo mwaka wa tatu sasa

MDADA: Wooow, hata mimi najiona muda wa kuolewa umefika, kuolewa na GM itanihakikishia maisha ya uhakika na mimi nitakutunza mume wangu, njoo nyumbani wakujue

MKAKA: Basi tufanye kesho, ili niombe ruksa kwa wakubwa waniruhusu kesho niwe off

MDADA: Kuomba ruksa kwa wakubwa? Mbona sikuelewei? We si ndio GM?

MKAKA: Ndio mimi GM yaani Gate Man sasa lazima niombe ruksa au nitapoteza kazi

MDADA: Mshenzi mkubwa unanipotezea muda wangu, najua naongea na mtu wa maana kumbe mfungua geti kwandraaa zako

WOMEN ALWAYS WOMEN

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident.

It's a bad one, caused by the woman's reckless driving.

Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says;

“So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman.

Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt.

This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man replied," I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle.

My car is completely damaged, but this bottle of wine didn't break.

Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

She replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police to come and collect their evidence."

Adam ate the apple again !

Men will NEVER learn !
Women will Never change!!!

BONGO COMPARED

INTRODUCTION.
In US: This is my lovely wife.
In Britain: This is my lovely queen.
In Tz: huyu ndo mama watoto!

WISHES.
When going to work, wife says
In US: have fun at work huby.
In UK: see you later sweetyhrt
In Tz: Chelewa na leo tena utaona'!

APPRECIATION.
When a wife appear smart, husband tells his wife;
In US: U look smart in that new dress swtyhrt.
In UK: I miss to walk with you in that dress my dear.
In TZ: Inaonekana boss ameanza kukutolea macho.... ukitoka na hiyo nguo tafuta kwako!

HANGING OUT.
In US: Dear, I enjoy this walk (walking hand in hand, to bus stop)
In UK: Baby.. it's my turn to drive.
In TZ: Mama Mwita, tangulia nikukute stand.

MOTIVATION.
When a kid fails an exam, the father says,
In US: Sorry dear. But i know u can. Yes you can.
In UK: You can still do better darlin.
In TZ: Pumbav.. Kumbe niliuza ngo'mbe na nikapeleka ng'ombe nyingine shule.!

MUHAYA NI NOOMA

Muhaya is attacked by a robber
in his silver prado..

Robber shouts; "Toa Pochi!!"

Muganyizi shouts back;

"We fala, huwezi nipigia kelele nikiwa kwenye prado na nimevaa rolex na cheni ya gold atakama we ni Osama ... bwana...

Oh, we ni jambazi??

Embu nione unatumia silaha gani!??"

(looking at the thug's hand)

"A PANGA??!!?

Aiseee, unataka kumuua meneja na panga?? k%@m#x!!"

"Chukua hii milioni moja kanunua bastola na risasi za dhahabu nakusubiri apa uje, mjinga sana unategemea kesho headlines ziandikwaje??

Eti,

'SENIOR MANAGER ACHARANGWA HADI KUFA NA MAPANGA'???

Hiyo ni aibu, sawa jambazi???

MASWALI HAYA...!!!!

MASWALI MENGINE NOMA!!.

Jamaa siku yao ya kwanza ya Ndoa akamuuliza mkewe,...

"Una hakika mimi ndiye mwanaume wa kwanza kulala nawe?."

Mke akajibu,

"Ndiyo honey, wengine wote ilikuwa hatulali ni shughuli mpaka asubuhi."

Bwana harusi kazimia.

Itaendelea akizinduka bado nafuatilia.



Do You Know Jesus??

CHINESE INVESTORS AND BUSINESS

A pastor approached one Chinese and the following conversation ensued

Pastor: Do you know Jesus?

Chinese: Aaah! Chisas.... Chisas, me not know Chisas... but if you bring sample we make one for you.... very strong Chisas

HAPPY MARRIAGE LIFE

THE SECRET TO A HAPPY MARRIED LIFE-

Once I asked my friend, "What is the secret behind your Happy Married Life?"

He said "You should share responsibilities with due love and respect each other. Then absolutely there will be no problems."

I asked "Can you explain?"

He said "In my house, I take decisions on bigger issues where as my Wife decides on smaller issues. We do not interfere in each other's decisions."

Still not convinced, i asked him "Give me some examples".

He said "Smaller issues like, which car we should buy, how much amount to save, when to visit the super market, when & where to go on vacation, which sofa, air conditioner, refrigerator to buy. Monthly expenses, whether to keep a maid or not etc. Are all decided by my wife. I just agree to it "

I asked "Then, what is your role?"

He said "My decisions are only for very big issues. Like whether America should attack Iran, whether Britain should lift sanctions over Zimbabwe, whether telangana should be formed or not, and do you know, my wife; NEVER, objects to any of these decisions"...


Dedicated to the Married Friends....

TUELIMISHANE: LIFE BEGINS AT 40

LIFE BEGINS AT 40! So how old are you?

Huo ni msemo wanao waingereza.
Today is your future kwa taarifa yako.. Ulipokuwa mdogo ulisema nikiwa mkubwa nitakuwa na gari na nyumba nzuri wazazi wangu wataishi hivi na vile. Je unayo? Je imetokea? Maybe yes. But maybe no.
Kama haijatokea je bado hujawa mkubwa? Basi kama ni mkubwa ujue kuna kitu hujafanya. 

Utasema tena nikifika miaka 40 nataka niwe na hiki na kile watoto wangu wasome international skul nk. Subiri uone miaka inavyoenda. Usishangae kufika 40 bado umeajiriwa kwa mtu na anakugombeza kwa nini mwanao anaumwa kila siku unachelewa kazini. Kazi nyingi. No bright future. No enjoyable present. Just existing and not living!
Hapo ndo unawaza kufuga ng'ombe wa maziwa kibamba kwenye kiwanja chako cha miguu 12 kwa 15! Wenzako wa umri wako hapo unasikia wameanzisha bness in Australia. Wamenunua kiwanja Mbezi Beach kwa 300M! Wanamiliki Apartment Johannesburg. Wakienda UK wanaenda kula The Ritz (Google that). Wanasomesha watoto zao the finest schools available wewe wa kwako wakati huo wamekosa nafasi Makongo wameenda Kibamba Secondary School wanapanda daladala sita kwenda na kurudi full kutukanwa na makonda.

Wenzako in their 40s wanasaidia wasio na uwezo katika jamii wewe ndo kwanza ukipokea simu kutoka kijijini una-mute! Wenzako in their 40s wakisikia kuna ujenzi wa nyumba ya ibada wanachangia 5M kimyakimya.. Wewe ukitoa laki moja basi mpaka mtaa wa saba watakujua! Halafu unashangaa wanazidi kuinuliwa. Mwenye nacho ataongezewa au hujui? Na asiye nacho..... (Malizia)
Wenzako in their 40s wana exposure ya uhakika. Walishafika kuanzia Sauzi, Botswana, Mozambique, Kenya, Ethiopia, Ghana, Naija, mpaka Egypt, The UK, Australia, Hawaii, Mexico, Croatia, The Netherlands, Switzerland, US, Panama mpaka Puerto Rico, Brazil na jirani zake, Hong Kong, Australia, Japan, China, (Incredible) India, Thailand, Singapore,  New Zealand, Comorros, you name it..!!  Wewe hata Kampala hujawahi fika. Kila siku Tegeta Posta ndo ruti yako miaka 15 mfululizo eti unatafutia watoto maisha! Unaishi au unaisha?

Acha mawazo mgando. Hiyo ajira ifanye serious sana tu lakini kwa muda tu. Jiandae kusimama mwenyewe. Kwani hujiamini? Na Mungu naye humwamini? Changamoto ni sehemu tu ya kufika kileleni. Don't be afraid. Don't dwell in that comfort zone!! Unasubiri kiinua mgongo? Utaenda kukiinvest wapi na kwa nguvu ipi. Na utaenjoy retirement kweli kama at 60 yrs ndo unafungua duka la vifaa vya ujenzi eti vinalipa. Kwa nini hukufungua ukiwa 30 ili uone vinalipa au la. At 60?  With due respect.

Suffer the pain of discipline now. Or else you will suffer the pain of REGRET. Halafu ukianza kuregret ndo pressure zinakuja, stress, nk mwisho unawacha hata hao watoto in a far worse situation than your own lifetime.

Life Begins at 40 my friend.. How Old Are You?