UPUUZI UKIKUTANA NA UJINGA

👩🏽 : Mambo

🧑🏽 : Poa, Nani?

👩🏽 : Mi Happy

🧑🏽 : Happy Nani? 

👩🏽 : Unawajua Happy wangapi?

🧑🏽 : Mmoja

👩🏽 : Yupi

🧑🏽 : Happy Birthday

😹😹😹😹😹😹

KUCHAJI SIMU

Hivi ushawahi kuweka simu kwa chaji usiku ukalala zako.. 

Kuamka asubuhi wagundua hukuwasha socket ukutani...

Maumivu yake yanakuaje!??

Hebu yasimulie.....

HOUSE CLEANING

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office.

"Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies.

"I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Smith,

"I knew I could count on you!"

IM THE GROOM

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But officer." the man began,

"I can explain,".

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer.

"I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..."

"But officer, I just wanted to say...."

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said,

"Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell.

"I'm the groom."

YOU WILL GET YOUR CHANCE IN COURT

A man goes to the police station wanting to speak to the burglar who broke into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court" says the desk sergeant.

"No, no, no!" Says the man.

"I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!

IDIOT

A preacher was standing at the pulpit giving his Sunday sermon when a note was passed to him.

The only word written on the sheet was IDIOT.

Looking up at the congregation, the preacher smiled and said:

I have heard of men who write letters and forget to sign their names but this is the first time I will see a man sign his name and forget to write the letters.

COVER ALL EXISTS

During a bank heist the Chief told the Sgt. to cover all exits so the robbers could not get away.

Later the Sgt. reports to the chief.

"Sorry sir but they got away."

The chief very disappointed says, "I told you to cover all Exits!"

"I did" replied the Sgt. "but they got away through the Entrance

CRAZY DOCTOR BUT SMART

Boy to a Doctor: My gf is pregnant but I always used protection

Doctor: Let me tell u a story..
One day a hunter mistakenly took his umbrella instead of Gun and entered the forest,
Suddenly a Lion  comes and stands in front of him..  Then the guy holds the umbrella and triggers the button.. And the lion is dead on the spot..

Boy: F*** off.. it's not possible... Some one else might have shot the Lion with his Gun....

Doctor: Exactly!!

BADO MTAMA....

1. Bibi kapigwa mtama na kibaka na kuporwa simu yake.

2. Bibi akaanza kumfukuza.

3. Baada ya kuona bibi hachoki kibaka akatupa simu chini na kuendelea kukimbia.

4. Bibi akaokota simu yake na kuendelea kumfukuza tena.

5. Kibaka akauliza. '' Bibi unataka nini, Simu yako c nishakurudishia?''

6. Bibi akajibu '' Bado mtama''

🏃🏃...........

WORLD BEST 8 QUOTES

Worlds 8  superb  sentences

--------------<>-------------

Shakespeare :👌

Never  play  with the feelings

of  others  because  you may

win the  game but the  risk is

that  you  will surely  lose

the person  for a  life time.

--------------------------------

Napoleon.👌

The world  suffers  a  lot. Not

because  of  the  violence  of

bad people, But because   of

the silence of good people!

--------------------------------

Einstein :👌

I  am  thankful  to  all those

who  said  NO  to  me   It's

because  of  them  I  did  it

myself.

--------------------------------

Abraham Lincoln :👌

If friendship is your weakest

point  then  you  are  the

strongest  person  in the

world.

--------------------------------

Shakespeare :👌

Laughing  faces  do  not

mean that  there is  absence

of sorrow!  But it means that

they  have the ability to deal

with it.

--------------------------------

William  Arthur : 👌

Opportunities   are  like

sunrises, if  you  wait too

long  you  can miss them.

------------------------------

Hitler : 👌

When  you  are  in  the light,

Everything follows  you, But

when  you  enter  into   the

dark, Even your own shadow

doesn't  follow  you.

--------------------------------

Shakespeare : 👌

Coin  always  makes  sound

but  the  currency  notes are

always  silent.  So  when  your value  increases
keep quiet

WORLD BEST 8 QUOTES

Worlds 8  superb  sentences

--------------<>-------------

Shakespeare :👌

Never  play  with the feelings

of  others  because  you may

win the  game but the  risk is

that  you  will surely  lose

the person  for a  life time.

--------------------------------

Napoleon.👌

The world  suffers  a  lot. Not

because  of  the  violence  of

bad people, But because   of

the silence of good people!

--------------------------------

Einstein :👌

I  am  thankful  to  all those

who  said  NO  to  me   It's

because  of  them  I  did  it

myself.

--------------------------------

Abraham Lincoln :👌

If friendship is your weakest

point  then  you  are  the

strongest  person  in the

world.

--------------------------------

Shakespeare :👌

Laughing  faces  do  not

mean that  there is  absence

of sorrow!  But it means that

they  have the ability to deal

with it.

--------------------------------

William  Arthur : 👌

Opportunities   are  like

sunrises, if  you  wait too

long  you  can miss them.

------------------------------

Hitler : 👌

When  you  are  in  the light,

Everything follows  you, But

when  you  enter  into   the

dark, Even your own shadow

doesn't  follow  you.

--------------------------------

Shakespeare : 👌

Coin  always  makes  sound

but  the  currency  notes are

always  silent.  So  when  your value  increases
keep quiet

FUNDI JENEZA

Fundi majeneza alipata oda ya Jeneza akawa anapeleka kwa gari lake.

Njiani gari ikaharibika, akaamua kubeba kichwani kumpelekea mteja wake ili amuwahishie mana giza lilishaingia

Akakutana na askari watano (5)wakiwa doria, akajua lazima watataka rushwa.

Askari;Wewe Unakwenda wapi na hilo jeneza usiku huu?

Jamaa:- Nilikuwa nimezikwa makaburi ya KINONDONI sijapapenda ndo naelekea KISUTU nikajizike au mnanishaurije ndugu zangu?

Acha askari watimue mbio

Chezea mzimu wewe...!!

HOW MANY TIMES

A bull was servicing the cows..

Lady asks to manager: How many times can this bull have sex?
Manager replies: 5 to 6 times in a day.

Lady looks at husband: You see?

Husband asks to manager: Is it the same cow every time?

No sir it’s a different cow every time.

Man looks back to wife: you see

KISASI CHA BALAA

Hili ni tusi jipya, very brand new
Jamaa alikuwa anaumwa akapita kituo cha taxi akaikuta taxi moja, akamuomba sana taxi dreva ampeleke hospitaji lakini fedha yake ilikuwa ndogo, kitu cha ajabu dreva alimporomoshea jamaa matusi ya nguoni na kumwambia akapande bodaboda kama hana hela.

Wiki mbili baadae jamaa akawa amepona na anapesa mkononi, akaenda kituo cha taxi akakuta taxi nne ikiwemo ya yule dreva aliyewahi kumtukana, akamwendea dereva wa kwanza;

JAMAA: Natafuta dereva wa taxi shoga niondoke nae ntamlipa laki

DEREVA 1: We mwenda wazimu nini hebu toka hapa.. Jamaa akenda taxi ya pili

JAMAA: Natafuta dereva shoga niondoke nae ntamlipa laki

DEREVA 2: Pumbavu mkubwa toka hapa

Hatimae jamaa akaenda kwa yule taxi dreva aliyewahi kumtukana

JAMAA: Aise sijui unaweza kunipeleka Ubungo?

DEREVA: Ndio shilingi alfu kumi

JAMAA: Haya twende....wakati wanaondoka jamaa akahakikisha anapungia mkono wale madereva waliobaki kituoni huku akionyesha alama ya kidole gumba. Akiwaacha midomo wazi

ZOGO KAMALIZA

Mwalimu kauliza swali darasani wanafunzi wataje  kazi za wazazi wao:

TINA: mimi baba yangu mfanyabiashara mama yangu mwalimu.

MWALIMU: Safi, haya juma

JUMA: Baba yangu dereva mama yangu hafanyi kazi.

MWALIMU: Vizuri, haya Zogo.

ZOGO: Mimi mama yangu malaya anajiuza baba simjui.

MWALIMU: Pumbavu wewe, nenda ofisini kwa mwalimu mkuu ukamueleze upuuzi wote uliosema hapa.

Zogo anaenda ofisini anarudi huku anatabasamu na anakula biskuti.

MWALIMU: Mwalimu mkuu kakupa adhabu gani?

ZOGO: Kaniambia nimpe namba ya mama...

🙌

SHERIA MSUMENO

Inakata kote koteee

DESCRIBE ME

Wife:"How would you describe me?"

Husband:"ABCDEFGHIJK."

Wife:"What does that mean?"

Husband:"Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."

Wife:"Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"

Husband:"I'm just kidding!"

KAMAU

Kamau,  from Nyeri walked into a bar and aggressively shouted his order to the barman.

'Please give me half a kilo of meat with kienyeji and then give everyone half a kilo steak and ugali because when I eat,  I want everyone to eat!'

The barman processed his request and gave him his meal and everyone else their meals.

When they finished enjoying their meal he shouted for another order.

'Give me a bottle of Kenya Cane and give everybody else a bottle of whiskey because when I drink I want everybody to drink!'

Everyone was happy and singing Kamau praises saying

Kamau is 'The man'.

When Kamau finished his drink he shouted again.

'Give me my bill and give everyone else their own bill, because when I pay for my meal and drinks I want everyone to pay for theirs!'......

His funeral will be this sunday.

WHATS THE MEDICINE FOR??

Teacher asks pupils to mention medicines they know & their uses.

Little Susan stands & says... "PANADOL!"

Teacher: Used for?

Susan: I think headache!

Teacher: Good Yes Musa?

Musa: PIRITON!

Teacher: Used for?

Musa: Helps in Sleeping..

Teacher: Excellent!! Yes Amos!

Amos {confidently}: VIAGRA!!

Teacher {nearly falls off her chair shocked}
What for?????

Amos: I think Diarrhoea..

Teacher: Who told you that?

Amos: Every night my mom tells Dad, "TAKE 2 VIAGRA PILLS, MAYBE THAT LITTLE SHIT WILL BE HARDER TODAY.

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