TRAFIKI

Trafic aliona gar akalisimamisha, akamuuliza dereva wa lile gari,


"mbona namba za mbele ni tofauti na za nyuma???"


 Dereva akamjibu

"ww sura na matako yako vinafanana...!???"

THIS WORKS

HARD EXAM

Boy1 : How Was The Paper ?

Boy2 : It Was Easy But Question 5 Confused Me

Boy2 : What Was It Saying ?

Boy1 : Question 5 Wanted The Past Tense Of "Think", 


I Thought & Thought & Thought And End Up With Writing

"Thunk" 

MENTAL

In a mental hospital,a Mad Man was chasin a doctor with a knife… a Doctor was runnin his Assoff to save his lovely dear lyf… 


and a Mad Man was still chasin him,holding a knife… so a doctor ran, ran and ran til he reached an End

he felt down, and he knew its the end so,he prayed the last prayer…!! 


while a Mad Man reached him… he lookd at him,with a knife,and said…


Doctor,its now ur turn 2 chase ME!!

ADDICTION

Addiction is...

Father: Son,our house is on fire,hurry lets save what we can..

Son :Ok dad,let me update my status first,and upload a pic of the burning house.

Father:Sure,tag me then

AFTER GENERATION Y NOW ITS GENERATION GAP

BLINDS FIGHT

George was walking home late one night and he saw these 2 blind guys just about to fight,when he shouted: 


"Hey I'm supporting the one with the knife...."


You should have seen how fast they both ran off!!

EXPLAIN PLEASE

UJINGA NI KUFANYA YAFUATAYO

Kutooga kifua kwa madai huko na roho safi


kununua sumu ya kujiua kisha ukadai chenji


Kumwagia mmimea bia ya tusker kwa madai ya kurefresh their root


Kuvaa sura ya kazi huku huko jobless

Kufungua kiosk kandokando ya supa market

INAWEZEKANA REPAIR HII

MLEVI HUYU KIBOKO

MLEVI alipoteza funguo ya nyumba yake usiku sasa anatafuta tafuta, jamaa m1 akamuona ikabidi amuulize...

JAMAA-ebwana kwani umepoteza nini?

MLEVI-funguo ya hme

JAMAA-pole sasa umeipotezea wapi?

MLEVI-kuleeee (akionyesha umbali kdg na alipo afu kuna kigiza giza kdg)

JAMAA-duh! sasa kama umepotezea kule mbona waitafuta hapo?

MLEVI-ah! we mpuuuzi nini we huoni kule kuna giza ntaipataje? ndo maana nimekuja kuitafuta hapa kwenye mwanga...

LESS ACCIDENTS

NEW WAY TO PROPOSE....ECONOMY EFFECT

WHO IS FEAT....HE IS IN EVERY SONG

DO YOU LOVE ME??...HOW MUCH

CLEVER ONE

SPEAK ENGLISH ONLY

A Polish woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto . The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

(Please scroll down.)

 .

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

What were you thinking?

Her husband speaks English!

MATEGEMEO SIO

JIBU LA UKWELI

Jamaa yupo na mke wake safarini wote wapo kimya ndani ya gari coz dakika chache zilizopita walikuwa na
ugomvi....


sasa katikati ya safari wakaona

nguruwe njiani....


mke akamuuliza jamaa


"hvi wale ndugu zako?!" 


jamaa akasema 


"ndio ni wakwe zangu wale"

MKANDARASI....

KIDS ARE QUICK

LIFE & DEATH

NANI MSAHAULIFU

kati ya hawa nani msahaulifu wa 


1: alikuwa anakula huku anagonga gonga meza mara akaacha na kuitikia "ingia mlango upo wazi PITA TU"


2: alikuwa anacheka akatokwa na machozi ya furaha lakini ghafla akasahau na kujiuliza alikuwa anacheka au analia


3: alikuwa anapandisha ngazi mara simu ikaita akasimama na kupokea lakini alipomaliza kuongea na simu akawa anajiuliza kama alikuwa anapanda au anashuka.........

YOUNG MAN

Father-In-Law : Young man, U’re coming to seek my daughter’s hand in marriage and u’re chewing gum.That’s a sign of disrespect! 

Man : Sir, I only chew gum when I drink or smoke.

Father-In-Law : You mean u drink & smoke and u’re here to seek my daughter’s hand in marriage?

Man : Sir I only drink & smoke when i go to the club.

Father-In-Law : U club too?

Man : I’m sorry sir, I started clubbing when i came out of prison.

Father-In-Law : U’ve also been in prison before? Oh my God!

Man : Sorry sir, I went to jail when I killed somebody.

Father-In-Law : What!!! U’re a killer???

Man : Sir, It happened out of anger. It was a certain man that didn’t allow me to marry his daughter so i killed him.

Father-In-Law : U are highly welcome my son. U are on the righttrack. U’re absolutely the right man for my daughter.

Mulevi...

A drunkard enters a bus and realizes his wallet went missing.

Mlevi: Somebody has stolen my wallet! If I don't find it, same thing that happened in 1978 will repeat itself today.

Passengers began to wonder and fear for their life. The pick-pocketer got so scared and worriedly gave it back.
...
The drunkard checked and all the contents were still there.

A curious girl asked, "Sir, kwani what happened in 1978?"

Mlevi: Somebody had picked my wallet and I had to walk all the way home.

Business for St. Peter...

Three locksmith before the Gate of Heaven: A Pole, an Italian and a German.

Come out Peter. "Hey, guys, I would like to make a whole new portal, can you make me some offers?"

"Well," says the Pole, and looks at the big gate, "with € 600 you're in!"
Peter: " € 600, how do you get THE prize?"
The Pole, "Well, quite simply: 200 for me, 200 for the control and 200's material."

The Italian: "Well, I'd do it for € 900"
Peter: "€ 900 How do you get that idea?" -
"Well, that is, 300 for me, 300 for the control and 300 for thel material ..."

Finally, the German: "Well, Peter, $ 3000, and I do it ..."
Peter: "$ 3000 How are you going to justify THE high price?"

The German: "Pssst, Peter, come here ..."

Peter approaches, the German whispers: 


"Man, it's easy: 1000 for me, 1000 for you, 400 for the Italian that he considers the fold, and 600 for the Poles that he does it!"

FITNESS PROGRAM.....

At Singapore airport for a holiday trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35, Terminal 1. 


Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying,


 "We apologize for the inconvenience, but EMIRATES Flight 570 to Dubai will board from Gate 71, Terminal 3."

So my family picked up our hand luggage and carried it over to Gate 71, Terminal 3. Long way to walk.

Not twenty minutes later the public address voice told us that EMIRATES Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35 Terminal 1.

So, again, we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. 

Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: 


"Thank you for participating in EMIRATES physical fitness program."

OMBI LA MWISHO

A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked, "Give it to me straight. How long have I got?" 

The physician replied that he doubted that the man would survive the night. 

The man then said, "Call for my lawyer." 

When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. 


The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind.

The man replied 


"Jesus died with a thief on either side. I just thought I'd check out the same way."

HII YENYEWE....

A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his sex life. 

The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but didn't seem to be getting a clear picture of the problems. 


Finally he asked, ''Do you ever watch your girlfriend's face while you're having sex?''

''Well, yes, I did once.''

''Well, how did she look?''

''Oh boy, she looked VERY angry!''

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, 


''Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?''

''She was watching us through the window.''

blue balls...

"I think I have a problem, Doc," says the patient, "One of my balls has turned blue."
The doctor examines the man briefly and concludes the patient will die if he doesn't have his testicle removed.
"Are you crazy?" bursts the patient, "How could I let you do such a thing to me?"
"You want to die?" asks the doctor rhetorically, and the patient has to agree to have his testicle removed.

Two weeks after the operation, he comes back. "Doc, I don't know how to say this, but the other ball has turned blue, too."
Again, the doctor tells him if he wants to live, his other testicle must be cut off, too and, again, the man is very reluctant to the idea.
"Hey, you want to die?" asks the doc, and the patient has to agree with the operation.

But, about two weeks after he is testicleless, he returns to the doctor.
"I think something is very wrong with me. My penis is now completely blue."

After briefly examining the patient, the doc gives him the bad news: if he wants to live, his penis has to go. Of course, he does not want to hear about it.

"You want to die?" asks the doctor.
"But... how do I pee?"
"We'll install an plastic pipe, and there will be no problem."

So, he has his penis removed, and, a while after the operation, the unfortunate man enters, again, the doctor's office. He is very angry.

"Doctor, the plastic pipe turned blue!"

"What?"

"Can you tell me what the hell is happening!?"

So, the doctor examines the patient more carefully and says, 


"Hmmm, I don't know, could it be the dye from your blue jeans?

MAMBO YA FOTOSHOP....

MARAPPER WA ZAMANI NA WA SASA.....

SIMU ZETU TULIKOTOKA....

MAPROMISI HAYA.....

KUELEWA NAKO ISHU.....