UPUUZI UKIKUTANA NA UJINGA

👩🏽 : Mambo

🧑🏽 : Poa, Nani?

👩🏽 : Mi Happy

🧑🏽 : Happy Nani? 

👩🏽 : Unawajua Happy wangapi?

🧑🏽 : Mmoja

👩🏽 : Yupi

🧑🏽 : Happy Birthday

😹😹😹😹😹😹

KUCHAJI SIMU

Hivi ushawahi kuweka simu kwa chaji usiku ukalala zako.. 

Kuamka asubuhi wagundua hukuwasha socket ukutani...

Maumivu yake yanakuaje!??

Hebu yasimulie.....

HOUSE CLEANING

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office.

"Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies.

"I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Smith,

"I knew I could count on you!"

IM THE GROOM

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But officer." the man began,

"I can explain,".

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer.

"I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..."

"But officer, I just wanted to say...."

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said,

"Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell.

"I'm the groom."

YOU WILL GET YOUR CHANCE IN COURT

A man goes to the police station wanting to speak to the burglar who broke into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court" says the desk sergeant.

"No, no, no!" Says the man.

"I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!

IDIOT

A preacher was standing at the pulpit giving his Sunday sermon when a note was passed to him.

The only word written on the sheet was IDIOT.

Looking up at the congregation, the preacher smiled and said:

I have heard of men who write letters and forget to sign their names but this is the first time I will see a man sign his name and forget to write the letters.

COVER ALL EXISTS

During a bank heist the Chief told the Sgt. to cover all exits so the robbers could not get away.

Later the Sgt. reports to the chief.

"Sorry sir but they got away."

The chief very disappointed says, "I told you to cover all Exits!"

"I did" replied the Sgt. "but they got away through the Entrance

CRAZY DOCTOR BUT SMART

Boy to a Doctor: My gf is pregnant but I always used protection

Doctor: Let me tell u a story..
One day a hunter mistakenly took his umbrella instead of Gun and entered the forest,
Suddenly a Lion  comes and stands in front of him..  Then the guy holds the umbrella and triggers the button.. And the lion is dead on the spot..

Boy: F*** off.. it's not possible... Some one else might have shot the Lion with his Gun....

Doctor: Exactly!!

BADO MTAMA....

1. Bibi kapigwa mtama na kibaka na kuporwa simu yake.

2. Bibi akaanza kumfukuza.

3. Baada ya kuona bibi hachoki kibaka akatupa simu chini na kuendelea kukimbia.

4. Bibi akaokota simu yake na kuendelea kumfukuza tena.

5. Kibaka akauliza. '' Bibi unataka nini, Simu yako c nishakurudishia?''

6. Bibi akajibu '' Bado mtama''

🏃🏃...........

WORLD BEST 8 QUOTES

Worlds 8  superb  sentences

--------------<>-------------

Shakespeare :👌

Never  play  with the feelings

of  others  because  you may

win the  game but the  risk is

that  you  will surely  lose

the person  for a  life time.

--------------------------------

Napoleon.👌

The world  suffers  a  lot. Not

because  of  the  violence  of

bad people, But because   of

the silence of good people!

--------------------------------

Einstein :👌

I  am  thankful  to  all those

who  said  NO  to  me   It's

because  of  them  I  did  it

myself.

--------------------------------

Abraham Lincoln :👌

If friendship is your weakest

point  then  you  are  the

strongest  person  in the

world.

--------------------------------

Shakespeare :👌

Laughing  faces  do  not

mean that  there is  absence

of sorrow!  But it means that

they  have the ability to deal

with it.

--------------------------------

William  Arthur : 👌

Opportunities   are  like

sunrises, if  you  wait too

long  you  can miss them.

------------------------------

Hitler : 👌

When  you  are  in  the light,

Everything follows  you, But

when  you  enter  into   the

dark, Even your own shadow

doesn't  follow  you.

--------------------------------

Shakespeare : 👌

Coin  always  makes  sound

but  the  currency  notes are

always  silent.  So  when  your value  increases
keep quiet

WORLD BEST 8 QUOTES

Worlds 8  superb  sentences

--------------<>-------------

Shakespeare :👌

Never  play  with the feelings

of  others  because  you may

win the  game but the  risk is

that  you  will surely  lose

the person  for a  life time.

--------------------------------

Napoleon.👌

The world  suffers  a  lot. Not

because  of  the  violence  of

bad people, But because   of

the silence of good people!

--------------------------------

Einstein :👌

I  am  thankful  to  all those

who  said  NO  to  me   It's

because  of  them  I  did  it

myself.

--------------------------------

Abraham Lincoln :👌

If friendship is your weakest

point  then  you  are  the

strongest  person  in the

world.

--------------------------------

Shakespeare :👌

Laughing  faces  do  not

mean that  there is  absence

of sorrow!  But it means that

they  have the ability to deal

with it.

--------------------------------

William  Arthur : 👌

Opportunities   are  like

sunrises, if  you  wait too

long  you  can miss them.

------------------------------

Hitler : 👌

When  you  are  in  the light,

Everything follows  you, But

when  you  enter  into   the

dark, Even your own shadow

doesn't  follow  you.

--------------------------------

Shakespeare : 👌

Coin  always  makes  sound

but  the  currency  notes are

always  silent.  So  when  your value  increases
keep quiet

FUNDI JENEZA

Fundi majeneza alipata oda ya Jeneza akawa anapeleka kwa gari lake.

Njiani gari ikaharibika, akaamua kubeba kichwani kumpelekea mteja wake ili amuwahishie mana giza lilishaingia

Akakutana na askari watano (5)wakiwa doria, akajua lazima watataka rushwa.

Askari;Wewe Unakwenda wapi na hilo jeneza usiku huu?

Jamaa:- Nilikuwa nimezikwa makaburi ya KINONDONI sijapapenda ndo naelekea KISUTU nikajizike au mnanishaurije ndugu zangu?

Acha askari watimue mbio

Chezea mzimu wewe...!!

HOW MANY TIMES

A bull was servicing the cows..

Lady asks to manager: How many times can this bull have sex?
Manager replies: 5 to 6 times in a day.

Lady looks at husband: You see?

Husband asks to manager: Is it the same cow every time?

No sir it’s a different cow every time.

Man looks back to wife: you see

KISASI CHA BALAA

Hili ni tusi jipya, very brand new
Jamaa alikuwa anaumwa akapita kituo cha taxi akaikuta taxi moja, akamuomba sana taxi dreva ampeleke hospitaji lakini fedha yake ilikuwa ndogo, kitu cha ajabu dreva alimporomoshea jamaa matusi ya nguoni na kumwambia akapande bodaboda kama hana hela.

Wiki mbili baadae jamaa akawa amepona na anapesa mkononi, akaenda kituo cha taxi akakuta taxi nne ikiwemo ya yule dreva aliyewahi kumtukana, akamwendea dereva wa kwanza;

JAMAA: Natafuta dereva wa taxi shoga niondoke nae ntamlipa laki

DEREVA 1: We mwenda wazimu nini hebu toka hapa.. Jamaa akenda taxi ya pili

JAMAA: Natafuta dereva shoga niondoke nae ntamlipa laki

DEREVA 2: Pumbavu mkubwa toka hapa

Hatimae jamaa akaenda kwa yule taxi dreva aliyewahi kumtukana

JAMAA: Aise sijui unaweza kunipeleka Ubungo?

DEREVA: Ndio shilingi alfu kumi

JAMAA: Haya twende....wakati wanaondoka jamaa akahakikisha anapungia mkono wale madereva waliobaki kituoni huku akionyesha alama ya kidole gumba. Akiwaacha midomo wazi

ZOGO KAMALIZA

Mwalimu kauliza swali darasani wanafunzi wataje  kazi za wazazi wao:

TINA: mimi baba yangu mfanyabiashara mama yangu mwalimu.

MWALIMU: Safi, haya juma

JUMA: Baba yangu dereva mama yangu hafanyi kazi.

MWALIMU: Vizuri, haya Zogo.

ZOGO: Mimi mama yangu malaya anajiuza baba simjui.

MWALIMU: Pumbavu wewe, nenda ofisini kwa mwalimu mkuu ukamueleze upuuzi wote uliosema hapa.

Zogo anaenda ofisini anarudi huku anatabasamu na anakula biskuti.

MWALIMU: Mwalimu mkuu kakupa adhabu gani?

ZOGO: Kaniambia nimpe namba ya mama...

🙌

SHERIA MSUMENO

Inakata kote koteee

DESCRIBE ME

Wife:"How would you describe me?"

Husband:"ABCDEFGHIJK."

Wife:"What does that mean?"

Husband:"Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."

Wife:"Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"

Husband:"I'm just kidding!"

KAMAU

Kamau,  from Nyeri walked into a bar and aggressively shouted his order to the barman.

'Please give me half a kilo of meat with kienyeji and then give everyone half a kilo steak and ugali because when I eat,  I want everyone to eat!'

The barman processed his request and gave him his meal and everyone else their meals.

When they finished enjoying their meal he shouted for another order.

'Give me a bottle of Kenya Cane and give everybody else a bottle of whiskey because when I drink I want everybody to drink!'

Everyone was happy and singing Kamau praises saying

Kamau is 'The man'.

When Kamau finished his drink he shouted again.

'Give me my bill and give everyone else their own bill, because when I pay for my meal and drinks I want everyone to pay for theirs!'......

His funeral will be this sunday.

WHATS THE MEDICINE FOR??

Teacher asks pupils to mention medicines they know & their uses.

Little Susan stands & says... "PANADOL!"

Teacher: Used for?

Susan: I think headache!

Teacher: Good Yes Musa?

Musa: PIRITON!

Teacher: Used for?

Musa: Helps in Sleeping..

Teacher: Excellent!! Yes Amos!

Amos {confidently}: VIAGRA!!

Teacher {nearly falls off her chair shocked}
What for?????

Amos: I think Diarrhoea..

Teacher: Who told you that?

Amos: Every night my mom tells Dad, "TAKE 2 VIAGRA PILLS, MAYBE THAT LITTLE SHIT WILL BE HARDER TODAY.

Made by You

GM

MKAKA: Mambo mrembo?

MDADA: Safi

MKAKA: Tafadhali naomba nizungumze machache na wewe

MDADA: We vipi kila mwanamke ukimuona unataka kuongea nae

MKAKA: Nisikilize kwanza, mi mtu mzima nina akili zangu siwezi kukusimamisha bila sababu

MDADA: Ok unasemaje?

MKAKA: Asante kwa kunipa muda, mimi ni GM hapo benki, ndugu zangu wamekuwa wakinilazimisha nioe nimekataa muda mrefu, nilipokuona tu roho imenisimama, nataka kukuoa basi

MDADA: Umesema GM wa Benki?

MKAKA: Ndio mrembo wangu nimekuwa GM hapo mwaka wa tatu sasa

MDADA: Wooow, hata mimi najiona muda wa kuolewa umefika, kuolewa na GM itanihakikishia maisha ya uhakika na mimi nitakutunza mume wangu, njoo nyumbani wakujue

MKAKA: Basi tufanye kesho, ili niombe ruksa kwa wakubwa waniruhusu kesho niwe off

MDADA: Kuomba ruksa kwa wakubwa? Mbona sikuelewei? We si ndio GM?

MKAKA: Ndio mimi GM yaani Gate Man sasa lazima niombe ruksa au nitapoteza kazi

MDADA: Mshenzi mkubwa unanipotezea muda wangu, najua naongea na mtu wa maana kumbe mfungua geti kwandraaa zako

WOMEN ALWAYS WOMEN

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident.

It's a bad one, caused by the woman's reckless driving.

Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says;

“So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman.

Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt.

This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man replied," I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle.

My car is completely damaged, but this bottle of wine didn't break.

Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

She replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police to come and collect their evidence."

Adam ate the apple again !

Men will NEVER learn !
Women will Never change!!!

BONGO COMPARED

INTRODUCTION.
In US: This is my lovely wife.
In Britain: This is my lovely queen.
In Tz: huyu ndo mama watoto!

WISHES.
When going to work, wife says
In US: have fun at work huby.
In UK: see you later sweetyhrt
In Tz: Chelewa na leo tena utaona'!

APPRECIATION.
When a wife appear smart, husband tells his wife;
In US: U look smart in that new dress swtyhrt.
In UK: I miss to walk with you in that dress my dear.
In TZ: Inaonekana boss ameanza kukutolea macho.... ukitoka na hiyo nguo tafuta kwako!

HANGING OUT.
In US: Dear, I enjoy this walk (walking hand in hand, to bus stop)
In UK: Baby.. it's my turn to drive.
In TZ: Mama Mwita, tangulia nikukute stand.

MOTIVATION.
When a kid fails an exam, the father says,
In US: Sorry dear. But i know u can. Yes you can.
In UK: You can still do better darlin.
In TZ: Pumbav.. Kumbe niliuza ngo'mbe na nikapeleka ng'ombe nyingine shule.!

MUHAYA NI NOOMA

Muhaya is attacked by a robber
in his silver prado..

Robber shouts; "Toa Pochi!!"

Muganyizi shouts back;

"We fala, huwezi nipigia kelele nikiwa kwenye prado na nimevaa rolex na cheni ya gold atakama we ni Osama ... bwana...

Oh, we ni jambazi??

Embu nione unatumia silaha gani!??"

(looking at the thug's hand)

"A PANGA??!!?

Aiseee, unataka kumuua meneja na panga?? k%@m#x!!"

"Chukua hii milioni moja kanunua bastola na risasi za dhahabu nakusubiri apa uje, mjinga sana unategemea kesho headlines ziandikwaje??

Eti,

'SENIOR MANAGER ACHARANGWA HADI KUFA NA MAPANGA'???

Hiyo ni aibu, sawa jambazi???

MASWALI HAYA...!!!!

MASWALI MENGINE NOMA!!.

Jamaa siku yao ya kwanza ya Ndoa akamuuliza mkewe,...

"Una hakika mimi ndiye mwanaume wa kwanza kulala nawe?."

Mke akajibu,

"Ndiyo honey, wengine wote ilikuwa hatulali ni shughuli mpaka asubuhi."

Bwana harusi kazimia.

Itaendelea akizinduka bado nafuatilia.



Do You Know Jesus??

CHINESE INVESTORS AND BUSINESS

A pastor approached one Chinese and the following conversation ensued

Pastor: Do you know Jesus?

Chinese: Aaah! Chisas.... Chisas, me not know Chisas... but if you bring sample we make one for you.... very strong Chisas

HAPPY MARRIAGE LIFE

THE SECRET TO A HAPPY MARRIED LIFE-

Once I asked my friend, "What is the secret behind your Happy Married Life?"

He said "You should share responsibilities with due love and respect each other. Then absolutely there will be no problems."

I asked "Can you explain?"

He said "In my house, I take decisions on bigger issues where as my Wife decides on smaller issues. We do not interfere in each other's decisions."

Still not convinced, i asked him "Give me some examples".

He said "Smaller issues like, which car we should buy, how much amount to save, when to visit the super market, when & where to go on vacation, which sofa, air conditioner, refrigerator to buy. Monthly expenses, whether to keep a maid or not etc. Are all decided by my wife. I just agree to it "

I asked "Then, what is your role?"

He said "My decisions are only for very big issues. Like whether America should attack Iran, whether Britain should lift sanctions over Zimbabwe, whether telangana should be formed or not, and do you know, my wife; NEVER, objects to any of these decisions"...


Dedicated to the Married Friends....

TUELIMISHANE: LIFE BEGINS AT 40

LIFE BEGINS AT 40! So how old are you?

Huo ni msemo wanao waingereza.
Today is your future kwa taarifa yako.. Ulipokuwa mdogo ulisema nikiwa mkubwa nitakuwa na gari na nyumba nzuri wazazi wangu wataishi hivi na vile. Je unayo? Je imetokea? Maybe yes. But maybe no.
Kama haijatokea je bado hujawa mkubwa? Basi kama ni mkubwa ujue kuna kitu hujafanya. 

Utasema tena nikifika miaka 40 nataka niwe na hiki na kile watoto wangu wasome international skul nk. Subiri uone miaka inavyoenda. Usishangae kufika 40 bado umeajiriwa kwa mtu na anakugombeza kwa nini mwanao anaumwa kila siku unachelewa kazini. Kazi nyingi. No bright future. No enjoyable present. Just existing and not living!
Hapo ndo unawaza kufuga ng'ombe wa maziwa kibamba kwenye kiwanja chako cha miguu 12 kwa 15! Wenzako wa umri wako hapo unasikia wameanzisha bness in Australia. Wamenunua kiwanja Mbezi Beach kwa 300M! Wanamiliki Apartment Johannesburg. Wakienda UK wanaenda kula The Ritz (Google that). Wanasomesha watoto zao the finest schools available wewe wa kwako wakati huo wamekosa nafasi Makongo wameenda Kibamba Secondary School wanapanda daladala sita kwenda na kurudi full kutukanwa na makonda.

Wenzako in their 40s wanasaidia wasio na uwezo katika jamii wewe ndo kwanza ukipokea simu kutoka kijijini una-mute! Wenzako in their 40s wakisikia kuna ujenzi wa nyumba ya ibada wanachangia 5M kimyakimya.. Wewe ukitoa laki moja basi mpaka mtaa wa saba watakujua! Halafu unashangaa wanazidi kuinuliwa. Mwenye nacho ataongezewa au hujui? Na asiye nacho..... (Malizia)
Wenzako in their 40s wana exposure ya uhakika. Walishafika kuanzia Sauzi, Botswana, Mozambique, Kenya, Ethiopia, Ghana, Naija, mpaka Egypt, The UK, Australia, Hawaii, Mexico, Croatia, The Netherlands, Switzerland, US, Panama mpaka Puerto Rico, Brazil na jirani zake, Hong Kong, Australia, Japan, China, (Incredible) India, Thailand, Singapore,  New Zealand, Comorros, you name it..!!  Wewe hata Kampala hujawahi fika. Kila siku Tegeta Posta ndo ruti yako miaka 15 mfululizo eti unatafutia watoto maisha! Unaishi au unaisha?

Acha mawazo mgando. Hiyo ajira ifanye serious sana tu lakini kwa muda tu. Jiandae kusimama mwenyewe. Kwani hujiamini? Na Mungu naye humwamini? Changamoto ni sehemu tu ya kufika kileleni. Don't be afraid. Don't dwell in that comfort zone!! Unasubiri kiinua mgongo? Utaenda kukiinvest wapi na kwa nguvu ipi. Na utaenjoy retirement kweli kama at 60 yrs ndo unafungua duka la vifaa vya ujenzi eti vinalipa. Kwa nini hukufungua ukiwa 30 ili uone vinalipa au la. At 60?  With due respect.

Suffer the pain of discipline now. Or else you will suffer the pain of REGRET. Halafu ukianza kuregret ndo pressure zinakuja, stress, nk mwisho unawacha hata hao watoto in a far worse situation than your own lifetime.

Life Begins at 40 my friend.. How Old Are You?

OMBA RUHUSA UONE

UKITAKA UGOMVI NA UJUE KAMA MKEO NI
MARIDHIA BASI NI HAPA!

MUME: "Mke wangu mpenz!"

MKE : "Abee!! mume wangu mpnz pumzi ya maisha yangu!"

MUME: "Nakupenda sana mke wangu mlezi wa familia yangu!"

MKE : "Hata mie nakupenda sana mume wangu kipenz we ndio kila kitu ktk maisha yangu! Mmmmmmmwaaah!!!"

MUME: "Mmmmmmmwaaaa!!"

MKE : "Ahsante hny wangu!"

MUME: "Sasa kuna jambo nilikua nataka nikwambie mke wangu!"

MKE : "Ucjali mume wangu, mie kwa weye! sina la kusema."

MUME: "Cjui kama utaridhia mke wangu mpenz!"

MKE : "Jaman mume wangu! mie sina kinyongo kwa lolote utakalo niambia ili mradi liwe la kheri na la dini."

MUME: "Kwel mke wangu?"

MKE : "Kwel mume wangu",

MUME: "Uko radhi kwa nitakalo kwambia?"

MKE : "Niko radhi dunian na akhera!"

MUME: "OK! Me nilikua nataka kufuata sunna ya Mtume Muhammad (s.a.w)."

MKE : "Naam mume wangu, sunna ipi?"

MMUE: "Nilikua nataka kuongeza mke wa pili!"

MKE : "Nini??"

MUME: "ndio hivyo kama ulivyockia!"

MKE : "Mh! Makubwa jaman! Kha!"

MUME: "Kwann mke wangu?"

MKE : "Yaan wewe! Hujaona sunna zooote hizo mpaka hi ya kuongeza mke wa pili?"

MUME: "Lkn c umeniambia utaridhia mke wangu?"

MKE : "Niridhie nini? Niridhie nini? Umenichokaeeee?"

MUME: "Hapana mke wangu! Ucwe mkali!"

MKE : "Sasa je! Mbona unaniletea vioja leo hii?"

MUME: "Lkn dini c inaruhusu jaman!"

MKE : "Dini gan? Hebu nitokee hapa! tena
nakwambia hivi, ukitaka kuoa huyo mke, nipe talaka yangu sasa hivi!"

MUME: "Yamekua hayo?"

MKE : "Nasema hivi! Kama unataka kuishi na mimi ctaki kuckia habari hizo. Na kama umenichoka niambie mapemaaa nirudi kwa wazaz wangu. Nani anataka kuishi uke wenza hapa! Yan mwanaume balaa wewe cjapata kuona!"

MUME: "Dah!


KIDUME KACHANGANYIKIWA

SUBIRINI MPEWE RUHUSA KAMA MTAONGEZA MKE MAISHA

KILA WANAWAKE 100 UTAPATA MMOJA ANAERUHUSU.

SAFARI YA WAPENZI

Kulikua mtu na mkewe .wameenda sehemu nzuri...

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Wakaenda

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Wakaenda...

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Wakaendaaa
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Wakaendaa

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kwann na ww unawafata nyuma???😡

Waache wenyewe kwa raha zao😆😆😆😆😆

😂😂😂

HISABATI

NIKIKUMBUKA HUWA NACHEKA
SANA.

Nilipokuwa shule ya msingi kuanzia la 4 hadi la 7 maksi zangu za hesabu kwenye mitihani zilikuwa zinacheza kwenye 03%hadi 08%.Matokeo yalikuwa yanatangazwa mbele ya darasa!

Yanapotangazwa mwalimu anaanza kuwaita wanafunzi kwa kuanzia maksi za chini kwenda juu (0-100), kwahiyo darasa lote linajua makaratasi yakiletwa lazima niitwe kama si wa kwanza basi wa pili.

Siku moja mwalimu akaanza kuita majina, mpaka akafikia kwenye maksi 30%, 40%, 50%, 60% ,70% bado tu mi hajaniita. Watu wakaanza kuniangalia waliokuwa karibu
wakaanza kuniuliza....

"" eeeh umepasua hujaitwa, ilikwaje??"

Nilianza kuvimba kichwa, huku mwalimu anaendelea kugawa tu makaratasi.

Yakabaki makaratasi ya waliopata 80%-90% bado mi sijaitwa tu.

Mara akabaki na karatasi moja mkononi, darasa lote macho kwangu hawaamini kinachotokea maana bado sijapata karatasi.

Mwishoni mwalimu akaangalia juu, kisha
akasema

"Kuna ng'ombe hajaandika jina kapata 0% aje achukue karatasi lake..."

YESU AKIRUDI LEO

SHULE ZETU

CHAGGA AND MONEY

A Nyakyusa man invited his friends for his mother's burial, after lowering the coffin, they put yam, rice, meat etc, into the grave.

A Muhaya man asked why?

The Nyakyusa man smiled & said,

"According to our tradition, the dead go on a long journey & need all the food items they can get".

The Muhaya man dropped Shs100,000 inside and said,

"When the food finish, buy more".

A Kurya man also dropped Shs 50,000 and said, add this in case it is not enough.

A Chaga man who was present at that time smiled, brought out his cheque book and wrote a cheque of Shs 200,000. He dropped it in the coffin and took the Shs 150,000 notes as change, then said,

"Rest In Peace, but withdraw your money when you reach dia ...it is going to be a dangerous journey, we dont know how many robbers are out there and no one will be there to save you. That Check shall be safe for you to carry"

THE LAWYER

A married lawyer had sex in his car and forgot the girl's panties on the car seat. His wife found the panties in the back seat, and tore it apart screaming!

"What is this?".

He calmly replied,

"you just destroyed the evidence of a rape case which was worth millions of dollars that I am handling".

She quickly went on her knees apologizing
"babe, I'm sorry"....

What do you call him:
1. Smart,
2. A good lawyer or
3. A damn good liar?