WATOTO WA SIKU HIZI

BABA: Mwanangu soma kwa bidii.. usitarajie kabisa kurithi Nyumba na mali zangu!

MTOTO: Kwanini??

BABA: Usione hii nyumba ilivyo nzuri na hizi mali zoote, Nimezipata kwa JASHO!

MTOTO: Basi zima hiyo A.C Niskie JASHO na mimi Nipate Nyumba na mali zangu!

SOKSI ZA BABA

Mwalimu aliuliza swalI darasani,

Nitajie Kitu chochote chenye harufu kali na mbaya zaidi ya Mzoga na Choo

Juma Akanyoosha kidole akajibu "NI SOKSI ZA BABA"

MATEJA NOMA

niliwakuta mateja wanaangua maembe sasa kwa bahati mbaya pembeni ya embe kulikua na tawi kubwa linawazuia shabaha yao kulilenga embe lianguke... 

mmoja akapanda akalivuta tawi la embe pembeni kukwepesha lile tawi kubwa kisha akashuka chini wakaendelea kutungua....

PRAYING BEFORE MEAL

In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear.

In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could. The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim.

Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some religion!"

The skies darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused.

Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said, "Thank you God, for the food I'm about to receive..."

AKPOS

Once Akpos went to a electronic shop, he asked the shopkeeper" what is the price of this TV ?".

The shopkeeper answered "we don't sell our products to Akpos".

Akpos again came next day by cutting his beard and asked "what is the price of this TV ?".

The shopkeeper replied "we don't sell our products to Akpos".

The next day Akpos came with a differnt face and asked "what is the price of this TV ?".

The shopkeeper replied "we don't sell our products to Akpos".

Finally Akpos got irritated and asked the shopkeeper" how do you recognise me every time ?"

The shopkeeper replied "this is not TV it is Microwave"

WHO???

TEACHER...Who created the earth??

(boy pokes a girl's back with a pencil)

Girl..oh God

TEACHER...Good,,correct answer

TEACHER...who was born on 25th december
(boy pokes the girl's back)

Girl...Oh Jesus

TEACHER....very good..correct answer

TEACHER...what did Eve tell Adam when they had their 17th baby??

(boy pokes the girl's back once again)

Girl...if you stick that thing on me once more,am going to BREAK it into half

Teacher fainted

BUSINESS FAILURE

TEACHER: Give an example of business failure due to carelessness.. 

ANDUNJE: Real Madrid failing to win the Copa del Rey at the Bernabeu

GLASSES

ANDUNJE: Doctor, I think I need glasses.. 

CASHIER: You certainly do! This is a bank

PERIOD

TEACHER: Why are u late, do u know that u missed a Period.. 

ANDUNJE: OMG, please don't tell me that I am pregnant

RANGI GANI??

Jamaa alipeleka gari lake kwa fundi lipakwe rangi!

Fundi akauliza, "Lipakwe rangi gani?"

Jamaa akasema,

"Yeyote isipokuwa nyekundu, nyeupe, bluu, manjano, kijani, wairdi, nyeusi, chockleti, kijivujivu, maziwa, zambarau, orange...(na nyingi nyengnezo akazitaja!)
Lini nije kulichukua gari langu?"

Fundi akamjibu 

"Njoo cku yoyote icpokuwa Jumatatu, Jumanne, Jumatano, Alhamis Ijumaa, J'mosi wala jumapili!"

VERE TRUU

OVERLOADED

BLENDA

Siku ya kwanza :

MUME: vipi mke wangu salama
MKE:salama tu mume wangu
MUME:uko wapi
MKE:niko nyumbani mume wangu
MUME:mmh kama kweli uko nyumbani hebu washa blender niisikie
mke akawasha blender - haya umeisikia ??
MUME:ndio mke wangu nimeiskia

Siku ya pili :

MUME:vipi mke wangu habari za hapo nyumbani
MKE:nzuri tu kamaulivyotuacha tuko poa 

MUME:uko wapi
MKE:niko nyumbani mume wangu
MUME:kama uko nyumbani hebu washa blender niisikie

mke akawasha blender - haya umeisikia ??

MUME:ndio mke wangu nimeisikia

siku ya tatu

mume akahamua kurudi bila taarifa around mchana akamkuta mfanyakazi nyumbani akamuuliza

 "vipi mbona uko peke yako mama yuko wapi ?"

 yule mfanyakazi akamwambia 

 "mama ameondoka na blender tokea asubuhi hajarudi ...."

DEDICATION

Andunje calls a radio station and says

''I have found a wallet in a bus and in it has 680,000/=, ATM card PIN number written on it & a gold  chain. The owners ID reads Masanja Mkandamizaji.''

The radio presenter asks

'' Do you want to return the items to him?''...

Andunje says

''Aah NO! i just wanted to dedicate him the song

''U SAVED ME'' by R kelly'

A BOY IN CLASS

The class teacher asks students to name an animal that begins with an E.

One boy says: “Elephant.”

Then the teacher asks for an animal that begins with a T.

The same boys says: “Two elephants.”

The teacher sends the boy out of the class for bad behaviuor.

After that she asks for an animal beginning with M.

The boy shouts from the other side of the door: 

“Maybe an elephant!”

MCHUMBA

Madenge baada ya kufaulu mtihan wa Form Four akaambiwa achague zawad yoyote aipendayo,

Madenge: nataka posa nikamuoe bibi maana ni siku nyingi amekuwa akiniita mchumba wake,

Baba Madenge: Shenz ww yule ni mama yangu mzaz huwez kumuoa,

Madenge: Mbona ww umemuoa mama yangu mzaz sijasema kitu!

MASAI KATISHA

Baada ya kupanda daladala aina ya DCM kutoka Mbagala Chalambe mpaka Mwenge na kulipa sh 500. Masai akachukua taxi wakati wa kurudi walipofika sasa shughuli ilikuwa hivi.

Masai: we dureva? Naulisa Ng'ombe na mbusi ipi ngali?

Dereva: Ni ng'ombe ghali Masai.

Masai: kwanini Ng'ombe ngali?

Dereva: kwa sababu ni mkubwa zaidi ya mbuzi

Masai: umepata..na mbusi na kuku ipi ngali

Dereva: ni mbuzi kwa sababu nae ni mkubwa kuliko kuku.

Masai: Umepata..

Masai: sasa me nimekwenda kule Mwenge kwa gari kubwa nikalitoa sh500 sasa hii yako ndogo unasema nikupe 40,000 wewe acha wizi..Nitakupa 250 Tu..wee acha ibia morani...!

UMEELEWA??

UNA BAHATI

Mdada alikuwa akisafiri kwenye basi, ghafla Jamaa aliyekuwa kakaa kiti cha nyuma akamtapikia

JAMAA: Samahani dada lakini una bahati sana

MDADA: Mshenzi mkubwa umenitapikia halafu unasema nina bahati

JAMAA: Ndio leo nimetoka kula pilau, kwa kawaida saa hizi huwa nakuwa nimekunywa kangara