DENTI SAFI SAANA

TEACHER: Spell Ambulance? 


STUDENT: A.... M.... B.... U.... 


TEACHER: Faster!!!!

STUDENT: Wew! Wew! Wew! Wew! Wew!

THE BOSS

THE BOSS....

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in
sick one day.

Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the
employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello?"

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked,
"Is your Mummy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss
asked,
"Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss
asked,
"May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Mummy and Daddy and the Fireman,"
came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter
through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked,
"What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered,
"The search team just landed the hello-copper. "

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked,
"What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle:
"ME"

HOW DID IT HAPPEN??

There was this case in Muhimbili National Hospital Intensive
Care ward where patients always died in the same bed and on Sunday
morning at 11a.m., regardless of their medical condition.
  
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had
something to do with the supernatural no one could solve the
mystery..... as to Why the death at 11AM?
  
So a world-wide expert team was constituted and they decide to
go down to the ward to investigate the cause of the incidents.
  
So on the next t Sunday morning few minutes before 11 a.m., all
doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer, books and their objects to ward off the evil........
  
Just when the clock struck 11......
  
Scroll down for what happened....
.

.
.
.
.
.
Ndukulusulukujo , the part-time Sunday sweeper,
entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he
could use the socket for the vacuum cleaner.
  
  
  
IF YoU THINK EDucATION Is EXPenSIvE TrY IGNORanCE..

Don't copy if you can't paste

Not too long ago, a large seminar was held for ministers and reverends in training. Among the facilitators were many well-known motivational speakers. One such speaker boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said,  

"The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!" 

The crowd was shocked!

  

He followed up by saying, "That woman was my mother!" 

The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech, which was well received. 

About a week later, one of the ministers who had attended the seminar decided to use that joke in his sermon. 

As he shyly approached the pulpit one sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It was a bit foggy to him. Getting to the microphone he said loudly, 

"The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!" 

His congregation sat shocked, murmuring. After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out 

"...and I can't remember who she was!"

Moral of the story: Don't copy if you can't paste.

OFA OFA...

WATOTO SAMTAIMZ UNAWEZA .........

father ; nilete soda we mtoto

son ; pepsi or coka?

father ; pepsi

son ; ya kopo ya chupa?

father ; ya kopo

son ; ya baridi or yamoto? 


father ; hee! we mtoto mbna maswali mengi....basi bwana ni letee maji tu

son ; ya hapa hom or nika nunue kwa shop?

father ; ya hapa hapa

son ; ya baridi ya moto?

father ; ya baridi 


son ; kwenye glasi or kikombe?

father ; ntakupiga na ufagio we mtoto

son ; ufagio wa chelewa or wa mti?

father ; ntaku uwa we mtoto

son ; uta uwaje utanichoma kisu or utanipiga na  bastola? 


father ; ntakupiga na bastola

son ; kichwani or tumboni?

father ; kichwani...NIMEKWAMBIA TOKA NJE

son ; saiv or baadae kidogo?

father ; sasa ivi

son ; maji hutaki?

nahama

Fundi jeneza alipata oda ya jeneza akawa anapeleka na gari njiani gari ikaharibika akaona alibebe kichwani. 


Njiani akakutana na wagambo akajua watataka rushwa, ikawa hivi 

Mgambo:WE UNAKWENDA WAPI NA JENEZA?

Fund:NILI ZIKWA KINONDONI ILA SIJAPAPENDA NAENDA MBEZI NIKAJIZIKE AU MNANISHAURIJE?


wagambo wote walitoka nduki

hahahahahahah... kwa kweli

LAZIMA UCHEKE...BISHA SASA!!!

MR. BEAN WHILE IN GRADE SCHOOL:
Teacher: What is 5 plus 4?

Mr. Bean: 9 

Teacher: What is 4 plus 5?

Mr. Bean: Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure, the answer is 6!!




WHILE IN A DRUG STORE:
Mr. Bean: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.

Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C?

Mr. Bean: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet yet!!






AT AN ATM MACHINE:
Friend: What are you looking at?

Mr Bean: I know your PIN no., hee, hee.

Friend: Alright, what is my PIN no. if you saw it?

Mr. Bean: four asterisks (****)!



Marriage:
Friend: How many women do you believe must a man marry?

Mr. Bean: 16

Friend: Why?

Mr. Bean: Because the priest says 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better and 4worse.




CHATTING WITH HIS FRIEND:
Friend: How was the tape you borrowed from me, is it Ok?

Mr. Bean: What do you mean ok, I thought it's a horror film. I didn't see any picture.

Friend: What tape did you take anyway?

Mr. Bean: Head Cleaner.






DEATH OF HIS MOTHER:
Mr. Bean:(crying) the doctor called, Mom's dead.

Friend: condolence, my friend.(After 2 minutes) 


Mr. Bean cries even louder

Friend: what now? 

Mr. Bean: my sister just called, her mom died too!




MR.BEAN ATTENDING A MEETING: 

Colleague: Sorry I'm late. I got stuck in an elevator for 4 hrs because of a power failure. 

Mr. Bean: That's alright, me too...I got stuck on the escalator for 3 hrs.



SPELLING LESSON:

Mr. Bean's Son: Dad, what is the spelling of successful....is it one c or two c?

Mr. Bean: Make it three c to be sure!

BRAIN TUMOR:

Doctor: I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor.

Mr. Bean: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy)

Doctor: Did you understand what I just told you?

Mr. Bean: Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb?

Doctor: Then why are you so happy?

Mr. Bean: Because that proves that I have a brain!

PAY YOUR BILLS!!!!

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.
Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason.
He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.

Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra whil she bathed.
Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. 
Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. 

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero. 

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins.

With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear.

The King immediately summoned Nick.

The moral of the story

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 > Pay your bills!!!!

Fikiria ni wewe ITAKUWAJE?

Jamaa mmoja alikuwa akitokea shamba pamoja na mkewe. Wakiwa njiani waliona uyoga, wakaung'oa na kwenda nao nyumbani kwa lengo la kwenda kupika na kuula. Lakini kabla ya kufika nyumbani, wakahofu kwenda kula ule uyoga wakihisi unaweza kuwa si uyoga wa kula.

Basi wakaamua wapike uyoga kidogo,na kiasi waubakishe, halafu ule waliopika wampe mbwa wao, asipokufa mbwa basi ule waliobakisha nao wale.

Mbwa akala uyoga ule. Wakakaa siku ya kwanza,ya pili, mbwa hajafa wakaamua wapike ule uyoga uliobakia nao wakala.

Walipomaliza kula tu, mara mtoto wao wa kiume akaingia ndani akitokea shule, na kuwaeleza wazazi kuwa amemuona mbwa wao amekufa.

Wazazi wakapigwa na butwaa wakijua basi nao mwisho wa maisha yao umefika, na muda wowote watakufa tu kwa kuwa nao wamekula uyoga kama mbwa alivyokula.

Basi yule baba akaamua kumwambia mkewe anaomba atubu mbele yake kwa kuwa kifo kinamjia wakati wowote. Jamaa akaanza kumwambia mkewe amsamehe kwani ni maovu mengi alifanya. Kwanza msichana wa kazi waliomfukuza akiwa na ujauzito, ule ni ujauzito wake. Mdogo wake na mkewe wa kike anayeishi naye pale ni mpenzi wake wa siku nyingi. Pia ana watoto wengine watatu nje ya ndoa, na kila mtoto ana mama yake.

Mama akasema nashukuru kwa hayo yote, Basi naomba nani nitubu Kwako. Huyu mtoto wa kiume mdogo si wakon nilizaa na Shamba boy wetu na huu ujauzito nilionao sasa ni wa mpangaji wetu humu ndani.

Jamaa kusikia hayo akapandwa na jazba ukawa ugomvi mkubwa mule ndani.

Wakati wakigombana, mara mtoto wao wa kwanza wa kike akaingia ndani na kukuta wakigombana. Akawauliza ,Baba na mama mnagombania nini humu ndani,badala ya kwenda kuona mbwa wetu amekufa kwa kugongwa na gari kule nje?

Wazazi waliposikia kuwa mbwa amekufa kwa kugongwa na gari walibaki wanatazamana na kupigwa na bumbu wazi.

Fikiria ni wewe ITAKUWAJE?

WIZI MTUPU

Simu Iliita...

MUME: Hello baby!

MKE: Hello Sweetie!

MUME: Leo nitachelewa kurudi...

MKE: Nishajua uko kwa vijanamke vyako, wewe ni malaya sana.
Sijui ilikuaje nilikukubali, nakuchukia kama nini, sikupendi.

MUME: Nipo BENKI hapa.

MKE: Haaaaah, ulijuaje kama sina hela baby... Nitolee laki 1, nakupenda sana, nakuandalia maji ya kuoga Sweetie... Pls usisahau kuniletea na chipsi kuku, Mwaaaah!

MUME: Ni BENKI ya Kuchangia Damu 


MKE: Nyooooooooh!

BANGI ISITISHWE

Mvuta bangi mmoja alikwenda kijiweni akiwa uchi. 


Akawauliza masela


"suti yangu imenipendeza eeh? "




Wakamjibu 


"ndiyo, ila tai ipo chini sana!"

HAWEZI KUSOMA UPESI

Masanja alikua anaaandika barua na penmdeni yake alikuwepo Joti.


sasa wakati akiendelea na zoezi la kuandika Joti akawa anamtizama huku akimshangaa mwishowe ikabidi amuulize.


Joti: " aisee Masanja, vipi mana nimekuona mda mrefu unaandika apo na unaandika taratiiiibu saaana herufi kwa herufi na sio kawaida yako??"


Masanja: "wajua namuandikia mtoto wangu wa miaka 6 na bado hawezi kusoma haraka haraka"

HOT AND COLD

Coffee Shop

Mpoki and his wife went to a coffee shop .

Mpoki said ' Hurry Up Drink quickly.....!!!'.

His Wife asked why...???

Kalembe said 


"Cant you see the menu, Hot Coffee Shs 500 and, Cold Coffee Shs 1000"

Hidden Camera's

Mrs.. Kalembe caught Kalembe searching high and low all around his living
room.

Mrs. Kalembe: 'What are you searching for?'

Mr.. Kalembe: 'Hidden cameras!'

Mrs. Kalembe: 'And what makes you think that there are hidden cameras
here?'

Mr. Kalembe: 'That guy on TV knows exactly what I am doing. Every few minutes he keeps saying, 'You are watching KBC channel 1'. How does he know that?'

Essay Writting

The English teacher told all the students in the class to write an essay on a football match. All were busy writing except Kalembe

He has written. 


'DUE TO RAIN, NO MATCH !!! '

GETING TO HEAVEN

Kalembe died and went to heaven.

When he got to the pearly gate Saint Peter told him that new rules are in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain Â
admittance each soul must answer two simple questions:

1. Name two days of the week that begin with 'T'.
2. How many seconds are there in a year?

Kalembe thought for a few minutes and answered.

1. The two days of the week that begin with 'T' are Today and Tomorrow.
2. There are 12 seconds in a year.

Saint Peter said,

'OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow answer, even though it's not the answer I expected. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year?'

Kalembe replied, 'Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, etc...'

Saint Peter opens the gate without another word.

USIOMBE USHAURI KWA WATOTO

Siku mtu na mkewe walikuwa wanabishana ni nani muoga
kuliko mwenziwe,mume anasema mke muoga na mke anasema
mume muoga ndipo walipoamua kuwauliza watoto wao ili wapate kujua nani muoga

Baba(akiwauliza watoto):

Naomba kuwauliza ni na nani kati ya mimi na Mama yako muoga zaidi??.

Mtoto 1 (akajibu):

 Mama muoga sababu anaogopa hata kujiangalia kwenye kioo

Mtoto 2(akimbishia wa kwanza):

 Baba ndio muoga zaidi maana anaogopa kulala peke yake kama siku Mama akiondoka anamuita huyu mwanamke wa jirani anakuja kulala nae.

Moral of the story: Dont ask/seek consultancy from children.

DAWA YA VITUNGUU

WALIMU WANA KAZI

Teacher: Joti, why are u late?

Joti: Because of the sign down the road.

Teacher: What does the sign have to do with you being late?

Joti: The sign said, "School Ahead, Go Slow!".

TOKA NJE.....

Mwalimu ;" wewe Masanja unacheka nini?"

Masanja ; "mwalimu Umekaa vibaya nimeona mapaja yako "

Mwalimu ; "huna adabu wewe toka nje nisikuone mpaka kesho"

Mwalimu ; "na wewe Wakuvwanga unacheka nini??"
Wakuvwanga ; "mwalimu nimeona kamba ya bikini yako"

Mwalimu ;"shenzi wewe toka nisikuone mpaka next week"

Mwalimu ; "na wewe Mpoki vipi??"

Mpoki ; "mwalimu nimeona tattoo yako"

Mwalimu ;"hii mitoto, toka nisikuone mpaka mwezi ujao"

Mwalimu ; "na wewe Joti unaenda wapi sasa???"

Joti; "nilichokiona mwalimu nadhani nimefukuzwa shule kabisa."

VIOJA MAKUMBUSHO

Ngriiii ngriiii ngriiiiii! 


Haloooo hapo ni Makumbusho ya Taifa?

OFISI:Ndio tukusaidie nini?

Kidanu:"Ok, naomba mnikumbushe mwaka juzi saa yangu niliipoteza wapi?"

OFISI:"Pumbavu hiyo siyo kazi yetu"

Kidanu:Sasa makumbusho mnakumbusha nini?"

OFISI:Tunahifadhi mambo ya zamani.

Kidanu :"Ahaa.....kumbe saa yangu mtakuwa nayo!" Nakuja kuichukua sasa hivi."

WABONGO TUKO VIZURI

NOT A STORY BUT A
TRUE INCIDENT

An Tanzanian man walks into a bank in
New York City and asks for the loan officer.
He tells the loan officer that he is going to Tanzania on business
for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank
will need some form of security for the loan,
so the Tanzanian man hands over the keys
and documents of new Ferrari parked
on the street in front of the bank.
He produces the title and everything checks out.
The loan officer agrees to accept
the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers
all enjoy a good laugh at the Tanzanian
for using a $250,000 Ferrari
as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then
drives the Ferrari into the bank's
underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the Tanzanian returns,
repays the $5,000 and the interest,
which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says,
"Sir, we are very happy to have had your business,
and this transaction has worked out very nicely,
but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away,
we checked you out and found that you are a multi millionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow "$5,000" ?

The Tanzanian replies:

"Where else in New York City can I park my car
for two weeks for only $15.41
and expect it to be there when I return'"

Ah, the mind of the Tanzanian...


This is why Tanzania is going to shine

BOSS IS DEAD

A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead:

"I'm afraid he died last week." she explains.


The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss.

"I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week."

The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts:

"I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"
 .
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

"Coz . . ." he replied laughing, "I just love hearing it. . . ."

DONT USE MOBILE IN TOILET

Don't use mobile inside Toilet

      

I was barely sitting down when i heard a voice from the other stall saying : "Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom But i don't know what got into me, so i answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doing just fine!"

And the other guy says: "So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so i say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just travelling!"

At this point im just trying to get out as fast as i can when i hear i hear another question. "Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but i figured i could just be polite and end the conversation. i tell him, "No....... I'm a little busy right now!!!"

Then i hear guy say nervously... .

Listen. i'll have to call you back. There's is an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!!!"

~~~~~~~~

HEBU ONA HUU MDUARA.......

Boss said to secretary: For a week we will go abroad, so
    make arrangements.
    

    Secretary make call to Husband: For a week my boss and I
    will be  going abroad, you look after yourself.
  
    Husband make call to secret lover: My wife is going abroad for a week, so lets spend the week together.
 
   Secret lover make call to small boy whom she is giving
   private tuition: I have work for a week, so you need not come   for class.
  
   Small boy make call to his grandfather: Grandpa, for a week    I don't  have class 'coz my teacher is busy. Lets spend the week together.
  
  Grandpa(the Boss ;) ) make call to his secretary: This week   I am spending my time with my grandson. We cannot attend that meeting.

   Secretary make call to her husband: This week my boss has some work, we cancelled our trip.
   
   Husband make call to secret lover: We cannot spend this
   week together, my wife has cancelled her trip.
    

   Secret lover make call to small boy whom she is giving
   private tuition:  This week we will have class as usual.
  
   Small boy make call to his grandfather: Grandpa, my teacher said this week  I have to attend class. Sorry I can't give you company.
   

  Grandpa make call to his secretary: Don't worry this week we   will attend that meeting, so make arrangement.

USIMFURAHISHE KILA MTU

KASTAMA SAPOTI NI NOOOMA

There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'.

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations! ):

Operator:         'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'

Caller:              'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect. '

Operator:         'What sort of trouble??'

Caller:              'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'

Operator:         'Went away?'

Caller:              'They disappeared. '

Operator:         'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'

Caller:              'Nothing.'

Operator:         'Nothing??'

Caller:              'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'

Operator:         'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'

Caller:              'How do I tell?'

Operator:         'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'

Caller:              'What's a sea-prompt?'

Operator:         'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'

Caller:              'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'

Operator:         'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'

Caller:              'What's a monitor?'

Operator:         'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'

Caller:               'I don't know.'

Operator:          'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'

Caller:              'Yes, I think so.'

Operator:         'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.

Caller:              'Yes, it is.'

Operator:         'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'

Caller:               'No.'

Operator:          'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'

Caller:               'Okay, here it is.'

Operator:          'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'

Caller:               'I can't reach.'

Operator:          'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'

Caller:               'No.'

Operator:          'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'

Caller:               'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'

Operator:          'Dark??'

Caller:               'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.

Operator:          'Well, turn on the office light then.'

Caller:               'I can't.'

Operator:          'No? Why not??'

Caller:               'Because there's a power failure.'

Operator:          'A power....... .. A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.

Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'

Caller:               'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'

Operator:          'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'

Caller:               'Really? Is it that bad?'

Operator:          'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'

Caller:               'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'

Operator:          'Tell them you're too f --- ing stupid to own a computer!!!! !