KUNA UKWELI...

MZEE KAINGIA TOWN

Mzee mmoja katoka kijijini kaenda kumtembelea mwanawe mjini.

Kufika akapewa vyakula vingi sana akala,akashiba kweli kweli.Akamwambia mwanawe,"Dah, nimeshiba kweli...tumbo limejaa!!"

Mwanawe akasema,"Haya wacha nikakuletee tissue."

Mzee akateta,

"Mwanangu,unataka nife! Eka iyo tissue nitakula kesho."

HII NI HATARI!!??

HUYU ILIKUWAJE??

GARI LIMEFIKAJE APO??

WAKUBALIANA NA HILO??

INAVOKUWA iPHONE

MAMBO YA KISASA

MCHAPIO WA UKWELI

KAUWAWA MPAKA AKAFA

NOT FAIR

 This is not fair

Teacher asked to a student,

”Rony if 2 & 2 makes four how is 4 & 4 ?”

Student replied,

“This is not fair teacher, you always do the easy ones and leave the hard ones for me.”"

NO AIR CONDITIONER

A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant, at first he’d asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.

Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. 

So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn’t throw out the pest.

“Oh, that man I don’t care.” said the waiter with a smile. 

“We don’t even have an air conditioner.”

DOCTOR AND LAWYER

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, “What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re out of the office?”

“I give it to them,” replied the lawyer, “and then I send them a bill.”

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

MAZUZU

Mwanamke zuzu alikuwa na mchumba wake zuzu kama yeye, lakini mwishowe uhusiano ulivunjika.

sasa huyo jamaa alikuwa akimsumbua sana kumpigia na kumtumia sms na  yule mwanamke kwa simu kila siku, mpaka huyu mwanamke akawa anachukia,mwisho akaamua abadilishe laini, alipotia laini ile mpya tu akamtumia sms yule jamaa kwa kumwambia 

"sasa nishabadilisha namba hutonipata tena hasidi wewe"

nae yule jamaa zuzu akamjibu 

"nitahakikisha naitafuta hio namba yako mpya, hata chini ya ardhi mpaka niipate."

KUJIFANYA MJUAJI KUMBE PATUPU

Usista Duu bila elimu ni bure na kimeo

jamaa alienda baa na demu wake.... walipofika kwa kua jamaa hakujisikia kunywa kitu chochote ila kuna mchezo wa pool pembeni akaona bora acheze huo wkaio akamwita muhudumu na kumwagiza TOKEN...

kisha akamwambia na demu wake kwamba nawe agiza upendacho... demu kwa mbwembwe na Nyondo akamwambia muhudumu

"Na mimi pia naomba TOKEN ila isiwe ya baridi saana maana nina mafua"

UTAMSAIDIAJE??

MGONJWA: dokta naomba unisaidie na tatizo la kusahau hata ukinambia kitu muda huo Huo nasahau.

DAKTARI: Kwan hilo tatizo 

limekuanza Lini?

MGONJWA:Tatizo gani?

UKISEMA VITABU UTAKOSEA....

HAIJABOMOKA... NDO ILIVYO

KIPANYA NOMA

AKILI KICHWANI

Jamaa mmoja alikua anavuka boda (mpaka wa nchi moja kwenda nyingine) akiwa juu ya baiskeli na kabela viroba vya mchanga kushoto na kulia kama balance.

alipofika mpakani yule askari wa mpakani akamuuliza,

Askari: we! umebeba nini humo?

Jamaa: Mchanga

Askari: hebu shusha tuone na tukague, nyie ndo mwapitishaga magendo kwa staili hizi hizi mnaficha kwenye mchanga.

Jamaa: sawa unaweza pekua na kukagua

Askari akakagua na kukuta kweli ni mchanga, akamruhusu jamaa apite.

baada ya wiki mbili jamaa akapita tena akitaka kuvuka mpaka, yule askari akamkumbuka akamwambia shusha mzigo tuukague:

aliposhusha akagundua kweli ni mchanga akamruhusu.

hii ikawa inaendelea kila baada ya wiki mbili jamaa anapita pale kuingia iyo nchi na baiskeli na michanga.

siku moja yule askari akiwa hayupo kazini baada ya kustaafu, yupo mjini tu akamuona yule jamaa kwenye kisehemu akamfuata.

Askari: aisee vipi mzima wewe za siku?

Jamaa: aah salama, vp wewe?

Askari: niko mzima, sahivi nimestaafu, ila nina swali kidogo kwako.

jamaa: ok uliza tu

Askari: ujue miaka yote hiyo umekua ukipita na mchanga waingia huku nchini kwetu, nikikupekua unakua na mchanga, lakini bado nimekua nikihisi kuna magendo unafanya kuyaleta nchini ni nini hiko umekua ukikileta nchini? we nambie tu hii itakua siri yetu maana nimekua nikijiuliza sana pasipo kupata jibu, sitamwambia yoyote:

Jamaa akajibu " Baiskeli"

UTAFANYAGAJE??

A couple had not been married for long, when the husband came home one day to find that his bride had disappeared. He got very worried and gathered up all his friends to search for his wife with no success.

Two days after his wife disappeared the man returned home to find her in the kitchen. He asked her what she had been up to and why she hadn't been home for so long.

She replied:

"These four men kidnapped me and had wild sex with me for a week."

The husband answered:

"But it's only been two days what do you mean a week?"

"I am just here to get something to eat."

BONGO IPO SANA

Joti siku hiyo baada ya kurudi hom usiku mkali wa manane akawa anajiandaa kwenda kulala, mkewe akamstua, hebu angalia kwa nje kule kwenye mwanga naona kuna kama vivuli vya watu. alipoangalia vizuri akagundua kuna wezi wameignia na wanafanya jaribio la kutaka kuiba kwake.

akainua simu taratiibu na kupiga Polisi masunzumzo yakawa hivi:

Joti: habari afande, nimevamiwa hapa nyumbani kwangu na wezi wanaiba tafandhali naomba msaada wenu.

Polisi: aisee pole sana nasikitika kukuambia kuwa hatutaweza kufika maana hapa kituoni hakuna hata mtu hivyo subiri wakipatikana tunatuma waje apo kwako.

Joti akajibu Poa kisha akakata simu.

baada ya dakika Moja Joti akapiga tena simu polisi akasema.

Joti: samahani afande ni mimi niliyepiga dk 1 iliyopita, msiwe na shaka hakuna haja ya kutuma maaskari, maana nimewapiga risasi na kuwauwa wezi wote.

kisha akakata simu.

hazikupita dakika 5 mapolisi na magari kama 6 ivi na ving'ora yakafika nyumbani kwa jamaa na kuwakamata wezi wote red-handed na ushahidi tosha na kuwaweka chini ya ulinzi na kuwapeleka lupango.

askari mmoja akamfuata joti na kumuuliza

Askari: aisee... imekuaje we si ulisema kwa simu kwamba umewaua wezi wote.. vp mbona tumekuta hivi??

Joti: aah mi mwenyewe nawashangaa nyie.. si mlisema hamna askari wa kuja kwangu??

AKILI NYINGI PASIPO MAARIFA

Majamaa wawili Mpoki na Joti waliamua kwenda camping katika misitu flani kwa ajili ya kurefresh mind ana kupunguza stress.walipofika eneo la camp wakatengeneza hema lao na kwakuwa ilikua usiku tayari wakala na kisha wakalala ndani ya hema.

usiku mkali, Joti akashtuka toka usingizini akaangaza na kushangaaa..... akamuamsha Mpoki. Mpoki huwa anajifanya mjuaji sana.

Joti: we Mpoki amka kwanza

Mpoki: eeeh, vipi unasemaje?

Joti: hebu angalia Juu unaona nini?

Mpoki: aa naona nyota kama milioni hivi zikiwa zimetanda angani na kupendezesha anga

Joti: kwaio apo unapata picha gani au unaelewa nini?

Mpoki: apo inamaana anga iko tulivu na hakuna wingu la mvua wala dhoruba yoyote kwaio kuna usalama zaidi

Joti akamzaba bonge la kofi Mpoki, Mpoki akastuka... 

Mpoki: sasa wanipiga nini??

Joti: Pumbaf yaani wajifanya unajuaa... hata hujagundua kuwa hema letu limeibiwa??

UNAWEZA KOSEA

KUOMBA ONGEZEKO LA MSHAHARA

One day an employee sends a letter to Her boss asking for an increase in her salary!!!

  Dear Bo$$
  In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.
  I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.

  Your$ $incerely,
  shanice
  

======================================================

The next day, the employee recieved this letter of reply:
  .
  . 
  .
  .
  .
  .
  .
  Dear shanice

  I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.

  NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.

  I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.

  Yours truly,
Manager

LINDEGE...

After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment.

This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth.

The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!"

Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf!"

Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.

"Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home.

When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!"

The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my foot!"

MAKUBALIANO

JAMAA: I love you sweetie.

BINTI: I love you too...ila tupendane tu, mambo ya ngono sitaki namtunzia mume atakayenioa.

JAMAA: Hilo si tatizo, na mimi mambo ya kuniomba pesa sitaki namtunzia mke nitakayemuoa.

JINSI YA KUBEBISITI

NOTICE

KIINGREZA

MCHONGA VINYAGO

Mmakonde aliulizwa na mteja: 

mbona vinyago vyako vizur halafu watoto wako wabaya kiac hiki??!! 

Mmakonde akajibu vinyago nachonga Nchana kweupee

Watoto nachonga Uchiku na Nke wangu kenye Gija totolo...Watakocha kuwa wabaya???

IMEWEZEKANAJE?

DRINK LESS

A guy walks into a bar and approaches the barman, 

'Can I have a pint of Less, please?' 

I'm sorry sir, 'the barman replies, looking slightly puzzled, 

'I've not come across that one before. Is it a spirit?'

'I've no idea, 'replies the guy, 

'The thing is, I went to see my doctor last week and he told me that I should drink less.'

POMBE NOOOMA...

KILA MTU ANATEGEA MWENZIE

ONYO LA UKWELI