MESEJI HAIKUFIKA

Mama mkwe kamkuta jamaa sebuleni kapandisha hasira anadai ataua mtu.

Mama Mkwe: Mwanangu kwani kuna nini jamani?

Jamaa: Leo namuua mwanao, mshenzi sana.

Mama Mkwe: Tulia jamani, kimetokea nini?

Jamaa: Mwanao mshenzi sana, nilikuwa nimesafiri, nikamtumia meseji kuwa nakuja, eti bado leo nimefika nimemkuta na mwanaume kwenye kitanda chetu, dharau gani hii, sikubali leo tunagawana majengo ya serikali, yeye anaenda kulala Muhimbili mi naenda kulala Segerea

Mama Mkwe: Subiri kwanza, mwanangu hayuko hivyo lazima kuna maelezo fulani kuhusu hili ngoja nimuulize...

mama mkwe akamfwata mwanawe na baada ya muda akarudi sebuleni.

Mama Mkwe: Unaona, nilijua mimi lazima kuna sababu. Kumbe mwenzio hakupata ile meseji uliyomtumia.

NIMEKUMISS

Jamaa kamwambia demu...

Nimekumiss

Demu wacha amind.. .yuko..

We unaniona mie kibibi sio?? Kwa taarifa yako mi mbichi kabisa.... hata chuo sijamaliza    na vyeti ninavyo sijapoteza hata kimoja

Apo jamaa ikibidi ampooze kumuelewesha

Nlikua simaanishi we ni Miss... nina maana kwamba sijakuona mda mrefu saana!!

Ndo kidogo demu mzuka ukatulia....

APPLE WATCH

LAZIMA AKIMBIE

CAN YOU SEE??

WORK AS A TEAM

MLEVI NOMA

Mlevi alianguka watu wakajaa kila mmoja akatoa wazo lake:-

Mmwagieni maji kichwani,

Mpepeeni amekosa hewa huyo!,

Dogo mmoja akasema:- 

"Njaa inamsumbua huyo, mchukulieni nusu kuku na castle baridi."

Mlevi akanyanyua kichwa taratibu nakusema:- 

"Msikilizeni vizuri dogo" 

Kisha akalala tena!! 

HOW LONG.....

An American was visiting Tanzania for the first time, so he boarded a taxi from the airport to his hotel, Andunje happened to be the taxi driver,

on the way the American saw a beautiful building and asked Andunje, 

"how long did it take to build such beautiful building", 

Andunje was proud of his country and said 6 years,

 the American replied 

"nonsense, in my country it will take 6 months to build same building".

They passed by another huge building, the american asked again, 

"how many years did it take to build the house", 

Andunje replied 

"2 years", 

to his shock again the american said,

"rubbish, it takes just 2 months to build same building in my country".

They finally passed the Twin Towers in town, and the american was amazed, 

he asked how long did it take to build such magnificent structures, 

Andunje just looked at him and said 

"which structure, I don't know and im surprised! coz when I passed here this morning, the buildings weren't there".

DIFFERENCE

WHAT IS PERIOD??

Teacher: Andunje, what is a Period?

Andunje: I don't know the meaning Sir. But I am very sure it is very dangerous.

Teacher: Why Andunje?

Andunje: because when my sister said that she didn’t see her period for 5months,

-my mum fainted,
-my dad got a heart attack and
-our driver ran away….

So I don’t think Period is a good thing

STUPID

DOGO: Eti baba mtu stupid yuko je? 

DADDY: Hilo ni swali zuri sana, a very good kweshen kwa kweli I am praud of you,ni wazi kuwa kuna kila sababu ya kukiri kuwa elimu unayopata inaendana na mtizamo mzima wa big results now, you see mwanangu, mtu stupid ni yule ambaye akiulizwa just a simpo kweshen, yaani swali dogo sana basi huanza kulinyumbulisha na kuongeza mofimu na fonimu katika hilo swali, kuanza kutafuta, tena infact bila mantiki yoyote wala kufuata basis ya swali, na baada ya hapo kufanya mchanganuo usio na mashiko yoyote na hatimae kukam up na solushenz ambazo in prinsipo hazikuweko katika swali husika kiasi cha kwamba aliyeuliza swali anakuwa haelewi hata kitu, umeelewa 

DOGO: Hapana

NANI BABA

Mtu na mkewe walienda hospitali ili mke aweze kujifungua mtoto. 

Walipofika daktari akawaambia ametengeneza mashine ambayo ina uwezo wa kuhamisha kiasi cha maumivu ya kuijfungua kutoka kwa mama kwenda kwa baba wa mtoto. 

Basi jamaa kusikia hivyo akaomba kiasi cha maumivu ya uzazi kihamishwe kutoka kwa mkewe kwenda kwake. Dokta akakubali ili akamuonya jamaa kwamba maumivu ni makali kuliko maumivu ya aina yoyote ile ambayo amewahi kuyapata. 

Jamaa akakubali. 

Basi dokta akaenda kwenye mashine akabonyeza 90% ya maumivu kwa mama, 10% kwa baba. 

Huku harakati za mama kujifungua mtoto zikiendelea jamaa akamwambia dokta: 

najiskia niko fiti kabisa endelea kunihamishia hayo maumivu toka kwa mke wangu. 

Dokta akaenda kwenye mashine akaongeza maumivu kwenda kwa baba hadi 20%. 

Jamaa bado akawa anajiskia vizuri tu.

 Dokta ikambidi ampime presha na mapigo ya moyo akaona kweli jamaa bado yuko fiti. Dokta akashangaa sana. 

Kwa kuwa zoezi la kuhamisha maumivu toka kwa mama kwenda kwa baba lilikuwa linampa sana unafuu mama aliyekuwa anajifungua, mume mtu akamshauri dokta amuhamishie maumivu yote yeye. 

Dokta akaenda kwenye mashine akakandamiza maumivu 100% yaenda kwa mwanaume na jamaa akawa bado yuko sawa kabisa.

Basi mama akajifungua mtoto mzuri tu wa kiume na jamaa na mkewe pamoja na baby boy wao wakarudi nyumbani. Ile kufika tu home wakamkuta house boy kaanguka getini kadedi kitambo

HII NDO DAWA...!!

UTAMFANYEJE

NDO USHAMSAIDIA HALAFU UTAMKUTA HIVI

BY MKANDAMIZAJI

MUNGU ANASEMAJE??

MWALIMU Kasinzia darasani , DOGO kamfuata na kumwambia Teacher mbona umetupa zoezi tufanye alafu unasinzia ?? 

[MWALIMU:] ''hapana mimi sijalala !"

[DOGO]: ''kwani hapa ulikuwa unafanya nini mda huu ? mimi nimekuona umelala''

[MWALIMU:] ''nilikuwa naongea na MUNGU!''

KESHO YAKE

DOGO kasinzia Darasana wakati kipindi linaendelea. MWALIMU akamuamsha
"DOGO, Yani unathubutu kusinzia kwenye kipindi changu?"

[DOGO:] "Hapana mwalimu sijasinzia!"

[MWALIMU:] " Enhee Tuambie Basi ulikuwa unafanya nini ? maana darasa zima limekuona"

[DOGO: ] "nilikuwa naongea na MUNGU na mimi Pia "

MWALIMU Kwa Hasira huku akipiga kelele , " Enhe Hebu Tuambie MUNGU wako Amesemaje ???!?!" maana naona watu mnatafuta Viboko Asubuhi Asubuhi.

[DOGO:] "MUNGU Kasema Hakuongea na wewe Hapo Jana !"

TALKING DOG

A guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Sure do." the dog replies.

"So, what's your story?" 

The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running."

"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals."

"Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Cause he's a liar. He didn't do any of that shit!"

IF ONLY

MI NINA KITOCHI........WE VP??

DALILI ZA MTU MUONGO MUONGO

DALILI ZA MTU MUONGO MUONGO

1.Ukiona mtu anasema yupo veta anasomea biashara ujue kuna kitu

2.Ukiona mtu Kaandika yupo canada alafu ukikatika umeme mbagala anawatukana tanesco ujuekuna kitu

3.Ukiona mzee anasema enzi zangu shule nilikuwaga wa kwanza ujue kuna kitu

4.Ukiona mtu anasema wazungu wote matajiri ujue kuna kitu

5.Ukiona mtu anasema bakhresa alikuwaga shoe shine ujue kuna kitu

6.Ukiona msichana mwenye miaka zaidi ya 15 anaishi uswahilini alafu anasema mm bikra ujue kuna kitu

7.Ukiona mtu mwanaume anasema mm npo singo ujue kuna kitu

8.....

Nyingine ongeza ww

UKIKAMATWA NA POLISI

CHONDECHONDE UKIKAMATWA NA POLISI USITOE MAJIBU HAYA

Tafadhali ukiwa unaendesha gari ukasimamishwa  na 

polisi tafadhali jizuie usitumie majibu yafuatayo:

 

• Hebu nishikie konyagi yangu nikutolee leseni 

• Nilitaka na mimi kuwa polisi nikaona huu ufala

• Unajua mshahara wako unatoka kwangu mimi mlipa kodi?

• Bosi wako mwenyewe tulisoma nae praimari alikuwa mjingamjinga

• Umejuaje nimekunywa, au na wewe mdau?

• Jela zimetengenezwa kwa ajili yetu

METHALI MPYA

soma hizi methali mpya na wewe unipe yako moja

1. Simba mwendapole... Huyo ni Sharobaro
2. Asiyefunzwa na Mamae.. Ujue Mama hajapitia Ualimu
3. Zimwi likujualo.. Lilikuona Sehemu
4. Chelewa Chelewa.. Ukizikusanya utapata Ufagio
5. Hakuna Masika.. Wakati wa Kiangazi
6. Mpanda Ngazi.. atafika juu
7. Ukitaka cha Uvunguni.. Usishangae ukikuta ni Kichafu na vumbi
8. Hakuna Marefu.. Bila mafupi
9. Kuku Mgeni.. Hufungiwa mpaka azoee
10. Haba na haba.. Haba Mbili.
11. Penye wengi..Pana Ajali au Tukio hasa kigodoro
12. Ukiona vyaelea .. Ujue ni vyepesi

*** ENDELEZA ...!!?

WATCH TV

SPIK INGLISH

MAANA YA SERIKALI

Mtoto mdogo alimfuata baba yake na kumuliza, " Nini maana ya SIASA?"

Baba akajibu, " Mwanangu ngoja nijaribu kujibu kwa mfano huu: mimi natafuta fedha ya matumizi, hivyo niite mimi BEPARI

Mama yako yeye anasimamia matumizi ya fedha, hivyo mwite SERIKALI. 

Mimi na mama yako tuko kwa ajili ya kuwapa nyie mahitaji yenu hivyo nyinyi twawaita WATU.

Dada wa kazi yeye anatusaidia kazi za hapa ndani hivyo tunamwita MFANYAKAZI. Na mdogo wako ambaye ni mdogo tunamwita FURSA ZA BAADAYE"

 Haya sasa mwanangu hebu fikiri na uone kama ina kupa jibu la kuridhisha.... 

Kijana akaondoka na kwenda kulala huku akifikiri na kuyatafakari  maneno aliyoyasema baba.

Baadae usiku ule, akasikia mtoto ambaye ni mdogo wake akiwa analia hivyo akaamua kuamka na kwenda kumcheki.

 Akaona mtoto kajinyea na kajipaka uchafu huo huku akilia kuashiria anahitaji msaada.

Akaamua aende chumbani kwa baba na mama, akamshuhudia mama akiwa peke yake kalala usingizi mzito na hana habari yoyote.

Hakutaka kumwamsha akaona angemsumbua mama, akarudi na kwenda shumba cha dada wa kazi na kuona mlango umefungwa. 

Akachungulia kupitia tundu la ufunguo na kuona dada wa kazi akiwa na baba wanafanya yao. 

Akakata tamaa na kurudi kulala bila ya kuwa na msaada wowote kwa mdogo wake.

Siku ya pili mtoto akamwambia baba,  "sasa nafikiri naelewa maana halisi ya SIASA."

Baba akasema, " safi sana mtoto mzuri, haya sasa niambie kwa maneno yako maana halisi ya siasa kwa jinsi ulivyoitafakari"

Mtoto akajibu, "Ni hivi, wakati BEPARI anamyanyasa na kumtumia vibaya MFANYAKAZI, SERIKALI imelala usingizi mzito, Na WATU  hawasikilizwi shida zao huku FURSA ZA BAADAYE zikiwa  zimesusiwa kwenye uchafu bila msaada.

Baba kidogo azimie.

wewe ungejibu vipi?

LESSON TO BE LEARNED

USE IT TO SHOW IT

DOCTOR EVIL

BEST DAD

HASIRA ZA KONDA

Konda alikuwa kakasirika sana, abiria alikuwa kagoma kulipa nauli akisisitiza eti yeye ni denti, wakati kila mtu alimuona ni mtu mzima, 

konda akamkunja jamaa, wakapigana sana, 

abiria alipoona anapigwa akaanza kukimbia, 

konda akamfukuza abiria akaaingia kwenye shimo, 

konda alipofika pale akakuta yeye hawezi kuingia kwenye shimo, kwa kisirani akaamua amkojolee humohumo kwenye shimo,

wananchi waliokuwa karibu wakamhamasisha konda, 

'Mnyee huyo, konda mnyee', 

konda akavua suruali na kulenga lile shimo na kuachia kitu. 

Hapo ndipo sauti ya hasira ya mkewe ikamuita, ikiambatana na makofi, konda akazinduka toka usingizini, akakuta kishaharibu mambo yote kitandani

WHO TOOK THE PHOTO???

LIE CLOCK

SHORTEST HORROR STORY

HOW IT FEELS

FREE OF CHARGE

The boss came early in the morning one day & found Andunje kissing his secretary.

He shouted at him, "Is this what I pay you for?"

Andunje replied: "No Sir, I do this free of charge"

GAMES