INA UKWELI HII....

HIVI VITU VIMEWAPA SANA WATU TABU....

JE HII INAKUHUSU KIVYOVYOTE??

ISHAKUKUTA HII....???

Umebaki mwenyewe ukaamua ujipikilishe kisha ikatoke hivi...???

FULL SHANGWE....

HUYU JIRANI UZALENDO UKAMSHINDA.......

KAMA SIO WIZI NI NINI???...

Girl: Hellow

Boy: Sweety mambo vip?

Girl: poa

Boy: Utakua free weekend hii? Nilikua nataka uje home.

Girl: Ooh Sorry, sitoweza kuja coz kuna harusi ya Aunt yangu na kesho yake kutakua na wageni nyumbani.

Boy: kama ni hivo sawa just nilikua nataka nikufanyie surprise, nimekununulia Blackberry Torch

Girl: ooh!! Usijali mpenz wangu ntakuja, hata ukitaka nilale uko uko nitalala

Boy: vipi kuhusu harusi??

Girl: harusi ipi?? Nilikua nakutani honey.

Boy: ok, na mimi pia nilikua nakutania tu.....

YOU MUST HAVE A POSITIVE ATTITUDE.....

When Snake is alive, Snake eats Ant. When Snake is dead, Ants eat Snake.
Time can turn at any time.
Don't neglect anyone in your life.

Never make the same mistake twice,
There are so many new ones,
Try a different one each day.

A good way to change someone's attitude is to change your own.
Because, the same sun that melts butter, also hardens clay!
Life is as we think, so think beautifully.

Life is just like a sea, we are moving without an end.
Nothing stays with us,
what remains is just the memories of some people who touched us as Waves..

Whenever you want to know how rich you are?
Never count your currency,
Just try to Drop a Tear and count how many hands reach out to WIPE that-
that is true richness.

Heart tells the eyes “See less, because you see and I suffer lot”.
Eyes replied, “feel less because you feel and I cry a lot”.

Never change your originality for the sake of others,
because no one can play your role better than you.
So be yourself, because whatever you are, YOU are the best.

Baby mosquito came back after 1st time flying.
His mom asked him "How do you feel?"
He replied "It was wonderful, Everyone was clapping for me!"

Now that's What a Positive Attitude is.

ONLY GOD IS ABLE.......

MOSES AS LIFEGUARD.......

HII NADHANI INATOKEA SANA...AU??

MISUSE OF FACEBOOK...IS IT ADDICTION??

WANATAKA IWE HIVI EEEH....

ETI NI WALE WANAOLAZIMISHA SERA YA USHOSTI...NDIO UPEWE MISAAADA

MAMBO YA YULE JAMAA MWENYE JINA LA NCHI YA AFRICA MAGHARIBI

GOOD THINKING..!!

A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, 


"Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!" 

The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. 


The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer. 


A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says, 


"Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I'll break one of your arms!" 



The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird's rectum, pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, 


"Go ahead!"

MAZINGIRA YANAKUFANYA UWE MBUNIFU ZAIDI

Kwa wale wanaopenda kuchati, umeme wa mgao...simu hazikai na chaji...basi mnaweza kuchukua idea ya huyu dada...jenerator kichwani, extension shingoni..

KIULAINI KABISA....

JINSI TUNAVYOISHI.....NA ATHARI ZAKE...!!

Katika kuwahi kwake shule siku hiyo Juma, alijikuta amechelewa kufika class

ambapo alikuta mwl Magdalena anafundisha. 


akaingia kimyakimya mpaka kwa sehem yake. kumbe mwl akamshtukia 


akasema kwa ukali

Mwl: Juma?! ndo nn hiyo? hebu toka afu ingia ka baba'ko anavyofanya kwenu!!

Juma akatoka nje mara punde akarudi, 


akabamiza mlango kwa nguvu afu akamfata ticha akamla denda afu akauliza


kwa ukali

Juma: mke wangu, ugali uko wapi??!!

class zima hoi kwa kicheko!!!!!

BONGO TU NDIO UTAKUTA HII.... NDO ZETU

SIJUI WAMEWEZAJE KUWASHA ZOTE KWA MPIGO...

USWAHILINI KWETU......

MTOTO KAWEKWA KWANZA APO WATU WAENDELEE NA SHUGHULI ZINGINE...

HUYU NAE AKASIKIA ASIYE NA MWANA.................... AKAMALIZIA KWA STAILI YAKE

MCHEZO WA KARATA NAO UTATA KWELI...

jamaa wawili walikuwa wanacheza karata porini. Mara wakapita wakulima bila kuwaona, 


wakasikia sauti inasema,




 "Weka jembe chini" 




Wakaweka majembe yao chini. 




"Weka kisu, wakaweka visu chini.. " 




naomba kopa, wakaangaliana hawana pakukopa... na hakuna anayetaka kukopa. 




kabla hawajamaliza kutafakari wakasikia....




"Weka mavi chini, ikabidi mmoja wao anye palepale. 




Mara wakasikia 




"Kama huna mavi lamba, ikabidi yule ambaye hajanya alambe ya mwenzake.... 




Mara wakackia " LAST CARD......GAME OVER". 




Wakashtuka kumbe kuna watu walkuwa wanacheza karata!!..............

MENTAL TEST.....

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental hospital, John asked the Director 'How do you determine whether or not a patient should be admitted to the hospital.'

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we give a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' John said.

'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

*
*
*
*
*
*
*
'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the drain plug.

Well....... Do you want a bed near the window?'

HAVE FUN WHEREVER YOU ARE.....

IT HELPS.......

FOOD FOR THOUGHT

WHAT A TRICK.......

EVER NOTICED THIS??...

PARROTS.................

A lady approaches her priest and tells him, 


"Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing. " 


"What do they say? " the priest inquired. 


"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. 'Want to have some fun?'" 


"That's terrible! " the priest exclaimed, 


"but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship" 


"Thank you! " the woman responded. 


The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. 


The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say,


"Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun? " 


One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, 


"Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered! "

PROUDLY.......

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, 


"My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps,

"My son is a Bishop. When hewalks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, 


"My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man says veryproudly, 


"My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle,

"Well .........?"

She proudly replies, 


"I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38" DD bust, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, everybody says, 


"Oh My God."

MAMBO YA POMBE MUONE HUYU SASA...

APA SIJUI ANADHANI YUKO NA BABU YAKE???

DAH HI INA UKWELI AU WASEMAJE??

MATANGAZO MARIDHAWA...!!

HAPA NI NYUMBANI KWA MTU

HII ILIKUA BAD TIMING YA TANGAZO........ ANGEVIZIA KIANGAZI..

UJUMBE WA WEEKEND....

IKIFIKA IMEFIKA TU.....

Hapo zamani watu walikuwa wanamuona mtoa ... roho (Izraeli) anapokuja kuchukua roho zao.

Siku moja alienda kutoa roho ya jamaa mmoja aliyekuwa tapeli maarufu katika nchi ya misri.



 Mtoa roho: "kwa mujibu wa listi yangu hapa inaonekana kuwa leo ndio siku yako ya kufa"

Tapeli: "enheeeee! nashukuru kweli maana nilikuwa naisubiri hiyo siku kwa hamu na nilikuwa nashangaa kwa nini unachelewa kuja"

Mtoa roho: "basi mshukuru mungu wako nimefika"

Tapeli: "Kwa furaha niliyo nayo naomba nikununulie hata soda au maziwa unywe halafu tuendelee na kutoa roho yangu"

Mtoa roho akakubali na kukaribishwa soda.

Kumbe yule tapeli akamtilia kilevi kikali katika soda, wakanywa wakaongea na kufurahi pamoja, kisha mtoa roho alipolewa na akalala 


Tapeli akaichukua ile listi ya mtoa roho halafu akaliweka jina lake chini kabisa tokea kule juu.

Baada ya muda yule mtoa roho akaamka baada ya kilevi kile kumuisha

Mtoa roho: "Aisee kutokana na ukarimu uliouonyesha wa kunikaribisha kinywaji basi nitakupendelea ili usife leo

Tapeli: Kweli!?

Mtoa roho: "ndio, nilipokuwa nimelala niliongea na mungu na kumuomba ruhusa kuwa nisianzie juu kwenda chini katika orodha yangu badala yake nianzie chini kwenda juu ili uwe wa mwisho na mungu amenikubalia hivyo naomba listi
yangu katika begi nijue nani wa chini nianze naye"

MIND THIS..............

SAFETY FIRST

EVOLUTION TO MANKIND

PROTECTION FROM THEFT

NOTHING SHOULD STOP YOU ENJOYING OR PLAYING YOUR FOOTBALL

YOU ARE NOT INVOLVED......

A guy, sitting outside his home about to be evicted from his house, was Contemplating how the future would be after he had divorced his wife, lost his Children and lost his job.

He notices a crate of beer bottles and walks up to it. He takes out an
Empty bottle, smashing it into the concrete wall swearing,

"You are the reason I don' t have a wife",

 second bottle,

"You are the reason I don't have my
Children",

third bottle,

"You are the reason I lost my job".

He notices the fourth bottle is sealed and still full of beer.

He takes the Bottle, puts it aside and says

"Stand aside my dear friend, I know you were
Not involved.... " 

FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED

A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City
restaurant and notices that the three Japanese businessmen seated
there are furiously masturbating.

She yells, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?"

One of the Japanese men explains, "Can't you see? We are all velly velly hungry."

The waitress asks,

"So, how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation?"

One of the other Japanese men replies,

"The menu say, First Come, First Served!"

GOOD OR BAD NEWS??

The doctor took Dan into the room and said,

"Dan, I have some good news and some bad news."

Dan said, "Give me the good news."

"They're going to name a disease after you."

MORAL STORY......

One day long ago, some sailors set out to sea in their sailing ship. One of them brought his pet monkey along for the long journey.

When they were far out at sea, a terrible storm overturned their ship. Everyone fell into the sea, and the monkey was sure that he would drown. Suddenly a dolphin appeared and picked him up.

They soon reached the island and the monkey came down from the dolphin's back. The dolphin asked the monkey, "Do you know this place?"

The monkey replied, "Yes, I do. In fact, the king of the island is my best friend. Do you know that I am actually a prince?"

Knowing that no one lived on the island, the dolphin said, "Well, well, so you are a prince! Now you can be a king!"

The monkey asked, "How can I be a king?"

As the dolphin started swimming away, he answered, "That is easy.. As you are the only creature on this island, you will naturally be the king!"

MORAL: Those who lie and Boast may end up in trouble.

MABOSI AU MADEREVA???.....

Ilitokea hivi karibuni!

Kulikua na mabosi wawili wa kampuni moja ambao walikua wanapenda sana kutoka pamoja hasa siku za mapumziko. Walikua wanawatumia madereva wao kuwapeleka kila wanapoenda.

Kama ilivo kawaida kila bosi hujuana na dereva wake au boosi kumjua vilivyo dereva wake. Siku moja, jumapili, wakiwa wametoka na kuelekea maeneo ya ufukweni walianza kuzungumza na mazungumzo yakawa hivi:

Boss 1: aisee nakuambia sijawahi ona dereva mjinga kama huyu niliyenaye!

Boss 2: aaaaah we waongea nini……….huwezi amini huyo dereva niliyenaye yaani hamnazo kabisa.

Wakaendelea kubishana kila mmoja akisema dereva wake ni mjinga zaidi ndipo ikabidi wathibitishe kwa kila mmoja kuonyesha ujinga wa dereva wake.

Boss 1 akamuita dereva wake.

Boss 1: eeeeh chukua hii elfu 20 nenda kaninunulie FLAT TV inch 50 dukani!

Dereva: sawa boss, vp niilete huku au nipeleke nyumbani?

Boss 1: ukiweza kununua ilete hapa.

Dereva akaondoka, boss 1 akasema: waona alivo mjinga yaani hata hajui kua kwa shilingi elfu 20 huwezi kupata FLAT TV INCH 50.

Wakacheka, Boss 2 akasema sasa ngoja umuone dereva wangu alivyo mjinga.

Boss 2: hebu nenda nyumbani kaniangalie kama nipo!

Dereva: sawa bosi

Dereva akaondoka, Boss 2: waona alivyo mjinga, mimi nipo hapa alafu ataenda nyumbani kuniangalia kama nipo

Wakacheka na kusema kweli huyu mjinga.

Upande wa pili wale madereva wakakutana na kuanza kuongea.

Dereva 1: huwezi amini sijawahi fanya kazi na Boss mjinga kama huyu.

Dereva 2: bora wewe mi wangu ni punguani kabisa hata sijui kapata wapi ubosi.

Dereva 1: sasa sikia kaniita sahivi ananiambia niende nikamnunulie FLAT TV inch 50, wakati anajua fika kabisa kua leo ni jumapili na jioni hii hakuna duka lililowazi kama sio ujinga ni nini??

Wakacheka!

Dereva 2: hahaha aisee ila hata hivyo hafikii kwa upunguani wa bosi wangu, eti kaniita pale ananiambia niende nyumbani kwake nikamuangalie kama yupo, ilhali anasimu pale angeweza tu kupiga kwa mkewe nyumbani amuulize kama yupo au lah na sio kunisumbua mimi mpaka niende kwake naharibu mafuta tu...!!

Wakabaki wakicheka kila mmoja kuendelea na alichotumwa!

Je nani mjinga???? Mabosi au dereva??

Hii kwa uhakika inakuhusu hata wewe....

Kama namuona Akishtuka....!!!!

jiulize kaandikaje mpaka kule juu??...

Men will always Try to Impress

Men performs better with Audience

HII INGELETA DISPLINI MJINI KWA WADADA.....

EVEN THEM.......

Obama Kills a Fly at Interview

hata Rais huyu mdudu inzi alimkera sana.......

FootBall is FUNNY at times

NOT EVERYTHING CAN BE FORCED....

ULEVI NI NOOOMA..!!!

HAWA NI VIPI TENA???.....

WHAT A THOUGHT....!!!

Kuna jamaa mmoja alikua anadhani USB ni neighbor wa USA