AKIKUWA ITAKUAJE???

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MAMBO YA ITIKADI

INTELLIGENCE

2 men were digging a ditch on a very hot day.
One said to the other,
'Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?'

'I don't know,'
responded the other,
'I'll ask him.'

So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss.
'Why are we digging in the hot sun & you're here standing in the Shade?'

'Intelligence,'
the boss said.

'What do you mean Intelligence?'

Boss: I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree & I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can.'

The ditch digger took a mighty swing at the boss's hand. The boss removed his hand & the ditch digger hit the tree.

Boss: That's Intelligence!..

The ditch digger went back to his hole.

Ditch digger 1: What did the boss say?

Ditch digger 2: That we are here because of Intelligence!..

Ditch digger 1: What's Intelligence!..

Ditch digger 2 (puts his hand on his face & says): Take your shovel and hit my hand....

WAZEE HAWA KIBOKO

Msichana wa miaka 16 alipata  ujauzito. Wazazi wa binti walikasirika  sana baada ya kugundua. Mama wa  binti akaamua kumpa simu binti  yake aongee na aliyempa mimba ili

 akamfate aje naye. 

Baada ya nusu  saa binti aliondoka akarudi na  mwanaume ambaye alioneka ni  mzee wa makamo, huyo mzee  alikuja na gari nyekundu nzuri sana  akiwa na binti. Alipofika akaingia

 ndani akawasalimia wazazi na  kusema 

"samahani  sana wazazi kwani nimempa mimba  binti yenu na sitomuoa, ila kama  akijifungua mtoto wa kike nitawapa  kiwanda kimoja, ghorofa moja na Tsh  milioni mia mbili ila kama  akijifungua mtoto wa kiume  nitawapa viwanda viwili, ghorofa tatu  na Tsh milioni mia tano, ila ikitokea  mimba ikatoka sijui mngependa  nifanyaje? (akawauliza wazazi wa  binti) 

baba wa binti akajibu 

"apo  itabidi umpe mimba nyingine"

HUYU MZIMA KWELI????

Huyu Jamaa mzima kweli?:

Nilienda kikazi Singida. Asbh mapema sna mm niko Ubungo nikapata tiketi ya dirishani. Muda kidogo akaja Jamaa kakaa pembeni yangu mm nikajua niko nae seat moja. Sasa mshangao ndo uliponianza:

Jamaa kaweka begi akatoa maji makubwa na keki mbili akala. Sikushangaa. Kufika Chalinze kanunua Mayai ya kuchemsha 3 na Hindi 1 la kuchemsha na Soda ya kopo (Fanta) akapiga taratiiibu!! Kufika Msamvu!! Kashuka karudi na Chipsi Mayai kanikuta nimekaa kwenye seat maana sikushuka. Gari halijaondoka kaita muuza korosho kanunua pakti kubwa huku kachukua machungwa 4. Mimi nikaanza kua na mashaka aisee!! Jamaa kapiga Taratibu!!

Tumeingia Dodoma saa saba hivi Heee!! Pale Four Ways watu tunashuka mchana tukafinye maana njaa sasa ilikua inauma Jamaa nae kashuka nikaguna MHH!!! Lahaula!! Jamaa kaingia Hotelini nae kaagiza Wali Samaki na Coca cola. Kwa kweli mimi nikaanza kumuogopa yule Jamaa!!! Nikaanza kufikiria mbona haombi kuchimba dawa?

Muda umefika gari linaondoka nikajua Jamaa lazima ataomba kuchimba dawa!! Lazima akakate GOGO!! Mhh!! Jamaa kainuka kavuta begi lake kapekua pekua karudisha kukaa namuona kashika Pande la muogo wa kuchoma na maji ya Kilimanjaro makubwa!! Kwenye mfuko wa shati kuna biskuti za chokleti. Nikainuka mbio mpaka kwa Dereva. 

Niliogopa AISEE!! 

Nikasema 

"HIVI HUYU AKIJAMBA HUMU NDANI ITAKUAJE?"

Naombeni komenti zeni Jamani!!

IMEKUAJE KAZIMIA...??

Wadada watatu walikuwa wamekaa pamoja wakinywa juisi kwenye mgahawa;

MDADA 1: Najua mume wangu sio mwaminifu jana nimekuta chupi ya mwanamke kwenye mfuko wa koti lake

MDADA 2: Hata wangu siyo muaminifu, jana nimekuta condom kwenye mfuko wake wa suruali , nilichofanya nikachukua pini nikazitoboa toboa zote nikazirudisha kwenye mfuko.

MDADA 3: ghafla kapaliwa na juisi na kudondoka akazimia

KASHIBA AU KALEWA????

WABANA PUA.....

KUMBE PUA INABANWA KWELI...??

KIBONGO BONGO

SIMBA NA SUNGURA...

Hapo zamani kulikuwa na Chura aliyeishi pembezoni mwa Ziwa peke yake kwa miaka mingi.Alibahatika kupewa nguvu za kichawi na mchawi mmoja hivi.

Siku moja alibahatika kutoka nje ya Ziwa na kuona dunia ilivyokuwa poa,kitu chake cha kwanza kuona ilikuwa ni;Simba anamkumbiza Sungura,akapaza sauti na kuwaita wote waje,wakenda pale alipo.Kisha akawaambia,"Mimi ni Chura mwenye maajabu,kwa kuwa nyie ni wanyama wangu wa kwanza kuwaona,nitawapa nafasi ya kutimiza ndoto zenu leo,kila mtu achague vitu vita tu ambavyo angependa vitokee na mi nitampatia muda huu huu."

Simba Kwa kuwa alikuwa na tamaa akawa wa kwanza kutaja,"Ningependa kila SIMBA hapa msituni awe JIKE kasoro mimi tuh niwe DUME."...kulisikika sauti ya ajabu na ombi lake likawa kweli.

Zamu ya SUNGURA,"Mimi ningependa Helmeti kichwani." Ombi hili liliwachanganya wote Chura na Simba,lakini ndio hivyo...ikatokea sauti ajabu na Helmeti ikatokea kichwani mwa SUNGURA.

Zamu ya SIMBA tena,"Ningependa kila SIMBA katika misitu ya karibu na hapa tulipo awe JIKE."...kama kawaida sauti ya ajabu ikatokea na ikawa hivyo.

Zamu ya SUNGURA tena,"Mimi ningependa piki piki na iwe na mafuta full tanki!" Wote Simba na Chura wakawa wanashangaa,si angeomba pesa tu na angeweza nunua piki piki baadae...ikatokea sauti ya ajabu na pikipiki ikatokea.

Zamu ya SIMBA tena,"Ningependa SIMBA wote duniani wawe JIKE isipokuwa mimi tu."...ikatokea sauti ya ajabu na ikawa hivyo.

SUNGURA akacheka sana,akatupia Helmeti kichwani na kuwasha piki piki yake kisha akasema,"Ningependa SIMBA wote duniani wawe DUME,alafu huyu awe JIKE!!" na kutokaaa Ndukiiiii.

WAT U WISH FOR......!!!

APO INAKAA KWENYE CHUPA TU...TABUU

KILICHOFUATA.......

Jamaa flani aliamka asubuhi na mapema,wakati mvua kali inanyesha akang'ang'ania kwenda kazini...akamuacha mke wake kitandani bado amelala.

Akawasha gari lake akaondoka,alipofika njiani hali ilikuwa mbaya akaamua kurudi.

Kufika home;akavua nguo,akaingia tena kitandani kisha akamnong'onezea mkewe aliyekuwa usingizini,"Yaani hali ya hewa huko nje mbaya kweli!"

Mke akajibu,

"Si ndio mi nashangaa na yule mburukenge wangu...eti ameenda kazini."
.
.
Tafakari yaliyofuata!

HESABU ZA FUNDI KIMEO

SAA IKO NYUMA KWA LISAA LIMOJA

KUVUTA WATEJA

MISHUSHUO YA WADADA

HE: Can I buy you a drink?
SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money.

HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like
yours.

HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been given your share.

HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

HE: Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.

HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE: Okay, get out.

HE: I think I could make you very happy.
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why? Don't you already have one?

HE: Shall we go see a movie?
SHE: I've already seen it.

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.

HE: Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.

HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.

HE: Your body is like a temple.
SHE: Sorry, there are no services today.

HE: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest
dreams.

VIOJA VYA INTERVIEW

Jamaa wawili Mbongo na Mkenya waliomba kazi katika post moja katika shirika  moja kubwa hapa nchini. Wote walikua na vigezo sawa kwaio mkuu wa kitengo akasema kwakua kuna nafasi moja na nyie wote mna vigezo sawa sasa itabidi niwape katest kidogo. Hivyo wakapewa kamtihani ka kuandika.

Baada ya kumaliza mtihani wote walipata maksi sawa na kulikosa swali moja katika kumi (10).

Mkuu wa kitengo akamfuata Mbongo na kumwambia,

“asante kwa kuonyesha interest ya kutaka kufanya kazi katika kampuni yetu, lakini ni Kwamba tumeamua kumpa kazi Mkenya”

Mbongo: (akastuka) 

“ kwanini iwe ivo il-hali wote tumepata maksi 9 sawa, hasa ukizingatia hapa ni Tanzania na mimi ni Mtanzania nilistahili nipate hiyo nafasi kwanini unampa mgeni??”

Mkuu wa Kitengo: 

“ni kweli wote mmepata maksi sawa, lakini uteuzi wetu haukutegemea maswali mliyojibu sahihi bali umetokana na lile swali ambalo wote mmekosa”

Mbongo: “ sasa apo ni kivipi majibu ya swali tulikosa, moja likawa afadhali kuliko lingine??”

Mkuu wa Kitengo:

“ rahisi sana, swali la 5, Mkenya kajibu “SIJUI” na wewe umejibu “HATA MIMI””

NYUMBA IMEOTA AU MAJANI YAMEPANDA NYUMBA??

INAKUAJE APO??

KIDHUNGU NOMA

MONKEY IN THE PLANE

Once in Brazil a plane crashed, only a monkey who was traveling in the plane was left alive.

Fortunately the monkey was intelligent enough to understand our language and reply in actions.

The officials went to see the monkey in the hospital and had a talk with the monkey.

Officer: 'When the plane took off what were the travelers doing?'
Monkey: 'Tying their belts'

Officer: 'What were the air hostesses doing?'
Monkey: 'Saying Hello! Good morning!'

Officer: 'What were the pilots doing?'
Monkey: 'Checking the system'

Officer: 'What were you doing?'
Monkey: 'Looking for my people'

Officer: 'After 10' minutes what were the travelers doing?'
Monkey: 'Having beverages and snacks'

Officer: 'What were the air hostesses doing?'
Monkey: 'Serving the travelers'

Officer: 'What were the Pilots doing?'
Monkey: 'Handling the steering'

Officer: 'What were you doing?'
Monkey: 'Eating & throwing'

Officer: 'After 30 minutes what were the travelers doing?'
Monkey: 'Some were sleeping and some were reading'

Officer: 'What were the air hostesses doing?'
Monkey: 'Make up'

Officer: 'What were the pilots doing?'
Monkey: 'Handling the steering'

Officer: 'What were you doing?'
Monkey: 'Nothing'

Officer: 'Just before plane crash what were the travelers doing?'
Monkey: 'All were sleeping'

Officer: 'What were the pilots doing?'
Monkey: 'Handling the air hostess'

Officer: What were you doing?
Monkey: Handling the steering!!!! !

No more Questions!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!

BILA TAI

Kuna jamaa mmoja, Joti, alikua anatembea jangwani na kwa mda mrefu hakuona mji wala maji. Alikau amechoooka saana na ana kiu balaa. Kila akisogea mbele haoni mji wala sehemu yenye maji. Hakukata tama akaendelea kutembea japo kichovu sana. Kwa mbele mbaali akaona kama kijibanda akapata nguvu kidogo na kukaza mwendo.

Alipofika akamkuta jamaa kwenye kioski hicho anauza tai pekee. Hakuona dalili ya maji.

Muuzaji: karibu sana ujipatie tai maridhawa ambazo utavaa na kupendeza, tena kwa hiyo nguo yako hii itakupendeza saana, na kila mtu atakushangaa!.

Joti: (kwa hasira) yaani wewe mpuuzi kweli… mimi nina kiu ya maji na njaa nimechooka sana we unaniletea upumbavu wa tai saivi?? Mi nataka maji na chakula tu tai kale mwenyewe

Muuzaji: (akamjibu kwa sauti ya upole kabisa) "mimi nafanya hii biashara ya tai na ndio mana nikainadi bidhaa yangu, ila we ni mkorofi sana kama usingehitaji tai ungesema tu kawaida Kwamba huhitaji tai. Ila kukuonyesha Kwamba mimi ni muungwana nitakuonyesha na kukuelekeza wapi utapata unachohitaji."

Muuzaji akamuelekeza Joti

“ endelea kwenda mbele baada ya hiyo milima miwili, utakuta nyumba ya kaka yangu, ukifika apo utapata kila unachohitaji”

Joti akaondoka kwa nguvu akielekea alikoelekezwa.

Baaday ya masaa Matatu, Yule muuzaji akamuona Joti akirudi akiwa kachoka maradufu

Muuzaji: vp mwenzangu imekuaje umerudi tena, umefanikiwa??

Joti: (kwa sauti ya unyonge na uchovu uku aibu ikiwa tele) “nimefika kwa kaka yako ila yeye hauzi maji wala chakula, anatoa bure, lakini kila aingiaye nyumbani kwake lazima awe amevaa tai, hivyo nimekuja kununua tai”

HOT WATER BATH

MAKOTI MAWILI

Joti aliamua kumtembelea rafiki yake Vengu ali ajue maendeleo ya ujenzi wa nyumba ya Vengu umefika wapi.

Alipofika akamkuta rafiki yake akitokwa na jasho jingi, huku akiwa bize anapaka nyumba rangi.

Joti alipomuangalia rafiki yake vizuri akagundua kuwa amevaa makoti mawili...akamuuliza:-

Joti: "Eee bwanae! Mbona makoti mawili na jua lote hili?"

Vengu: "Nataka hii kazi ya kupaka rangi itoke poa."

Joti: "Sa ndio uvae makoti mawili?"

Vengu: "Hasaa, (akachukua mkebe mmoja wa rangi na kumwonesha Joti)..Soma hapa."

Joti akasoma maandishi kwenye mkebe wa rangi:

"FOR BEST RESULTS PUT ON TWO COATS."

SALESMAN

A salesman was traveling through the countryside, selling insect repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer. "Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again, I guarantee it."

The farmer was dubious. 

"Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from you."

The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped. The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a stake. Back to the house went the farmer. 

The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the corn field. 

Sure enough,the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him. Yet he was a total wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard, and drawn, but not one bite on him.

The farmer was perplexed.

"Son," he said, 

"Now, you don't have a bite on you but you look like hell! What the devil happened?"

The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked, 

"For crying out loud, Mister, doesn't that calf (ndama) have a Mother!!!"

WOMAN'S DAY OUT

Two women go out one weekend without their husbands. As they came back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway.

The first one did not have anything to clean herself with, so she took off her panties and used them to clean herself and discarded them.

The second not finding anything either, thought "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon of a flower wreath to clean herself.

The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other:

"We have to be on the look-out, it seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her panties..."

The other one responded: "You're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her ass that read, "We will never forget you."

TEKNOLOJIA KILA MAHALI

IKIWA HIVI TU.. LAZIMA UKIMBIE

LAZIMA UTEMBEE KINYUMENYUME

UTAMCHAJI KIASI GANI??

COST CUTTING...BANA BAJETI