KAMAU

Kamau,  from Nyeri walked into a bar and aggressively shouted his order to the barman.

'Please give me half a kilo of meat with kienyeji and then give everyone half a kilo steak and ugali because when I eat,  I want everyone to eat!'

The barman processed his request and gave him his meal and everyone else their meals.

When they finished enjoying their meal he shouted for another order.

'Give me a bottle of Kenya Cane and give everybody else a bottle of whiskey because when I drink I want everybody to drink!'

Everyone was happy and singing Kamau praises saying

Kamau is 'The man'.

When Kamau finished his drink he shouted again.

'Give me my bill and give everyone else their own bill, because when I pay for my meal and drinks I want everyone to pay for theirs!'......

His funeral will be this sunday.

WHATS THE MEDICINE FOR??

Teacher asks pupils to mention medicines they know & their uses.

Little Susan stands & says... "PANADOL!"

Teacher: Used for?

Susan: I think headache!

Teacher: Good Yes Musa?

Musa: PIRITON!

Teacher: Used for?

Musa: Helps in Sleeping..

Teacher: Excellent!! Yes Amos!

Amos {confidently}: VIAGRA!!

Teacher {nearly falls off her chair shocked}
What for?????

Amos: I think Diarrhoea..

Teacher: Who told you that?

Amos: Every night my mom tells Dad, "TAKE 2 VIAGRA PILLS, MAYBE THAT LITTLE SHIT WILL BE HARDER TODAY.

Made by You

GM

MKAKA: Mambo mrembo?

MDADA: Safi

MKAKA: Tafadhali naomba nizungumze machache na wewe

MDADA: We vipi kila mwanamke ukimuona unataka kuongea nae

MKAKA: Nisikilize kwanza, mi mtu mzima nina akili zangu siwezi kukusimamisha bila sababu

MDADA: Ok unasemaje?

MKAKA: Asante kwa kunipa muda, mimi ni GM hapo benki, ndugu zangu wamekuwa wakinilazimisha nioe nimekataa muda mrefu, nilipokuona tu roho imenisimama, nataka kukuoa basi

MDADA: Umesema GM wa Benki?

MKAKA: Ndio mrembo wangu nimekuwa GM hapo mwaka wa tatu sasa

MDADA: Wooow, hata mimi najiona muda wa kuolewa umefika, kuolewa na GM itanihakikishia maisha ya uhakika na mimi nitakutunza mume wangu, njoo nyumbani wakujue

MKAKA: Basi tufanye kesho, ili niombe ruksa kwa wakubwa waniruhusu kesho niwe off

MDADA: Kuomba ruksa kwa wakubwa? Mbona sikuelewei? We si ndio GM?

MKAKA: Ndio mimi GM yaani Gate Man sasa lazima niombe ruksa au nitapoteza kazi

MDADA: Mshenzi mkubwa unanipotezea muda wangu, najua naongea na mtu wa maana kumbe mfungua geti kwandraaa zako

WOMEN ALWAYS WOMEN

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident.

It's a bad one, caused by the woman's reckless driving.

Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says;

“So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman.

Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt.

This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man replied," I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle.

My car is completely damaged, but this bottle of wine didn't break.

Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

She replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police to come and collect their evidence."

Adam ate the apple again !

Men will NEVER learn !
Women will Never change!!!

BONGO COMPARED

INTRODUCTION.
In US: This is my lovely wife.
In Britain: This is my lovely queen.
In Tz: huyu ndo mama watoto!

WISHES.
When going to work, wife says
In US: have fun at work huby.
In UK: see you later sweetyhrt
In Tz: Chelewa na leo tena utaona'!

APPRECIATION.
When a wife appear smart, husband tells his wife;
In US: U look smart in that new dress swtyhrt.
In UK: I miss to walk with you in that dress my dear.
In TZ: Inaonekana boss ameanza kukutolea macho.... ukitoka na hiyo nguo tafuta kwako!

HANGING OUT.
In US: Dear, I enjoy this walk (walking hand in hand, to bus stop)
In UK: Baby.. it's my turn to drive.
In TZ: Mama Mwita, tangulia nikukute stand.

MOTIVATION.
When a kid fails an exam, the father says,
In US: Sorry dear. But i know u can. Yes you can.
In UK: You can still do better darlin.
In TZ: Pumbav.. Kumbe niliuza ngo'mbe na nikapeleka ng'ombe nyingine shule.!

MUHAYA NI NOOMA

Muhaya is attacked by a robber
in his silver prado..

Robber shouts; "Toa Pochi!!"

Muganyizi shouts back;

"We fala, huwezi nipigia kelele nikiwa kwenye prado na nimevaa rolex na cheni ya gold atakama we ni Osama ... bwana...

Oh, we ni jambazi??

Embu nione unatumia silaha gani!??"

(looking at the thug's hand)

"A PANGA??!!?

Aiseee, unataka kumuua meneja na panga?? k%@m#x!!"

"Chukua hii milioni moja kanunua bastola na risasi za dhahabu nakusubiri apa uje, mjinga sana unategemea kesho headlines ziandikwaje??

Eti,

'SENIOR MANAGER ACHARANGWA HADI KUFA NA MAPANGA'???

Hiyo ni aibu, sawa jambazi???

MASWALI HAYA...!!!!

MASWALI MENGINE NOMA!!.

Jamaa siku yao ya kwanza ya Ndoa akamuuliza mkewe,...

"Una hakika mimi ndiye mwanaume wa kwanza kulala nawe?."

Mke akajibu,

"Ndiyo honey, wengine wote ilikuwa hatulali ni shughuli mpaka asubuhi."

Bwana harusi kazimia.

Itaendelea akizinduka bado nafuatilia.



Do You Know Jesus??

CHINESE INVESTORS AND BUSINESS

A pastor approached one Chinese and the following conversation ensued

Pastor: Do you know Jesus?

Chinese: Aaah! Chisas.... Chisas, me not know Chisas... but if you bring sample we make one for you.... very strong Chisas

HAPPY MARRIAGE LIFE

THE SECRET TO A HAPPY MARRIED LIFE-

Once I asked my friend, "What is the secret behind your Happy Married Life?"

He said "You should share responsibilities with due love and respect each other. Then absolutely there will be no problems."

I asked "Can you explain?"

He said "In my house, I take decisions on bigger issues where as my Wife decides on smaller issues. We do not interfere in each other's decisions."

Still not convinced, i asked him "Give me some examples".

He said "Smaller issues like, which car we should buy, how much amount to save, when to visit the super market, when & where to go on vacation, which sofa, air conditioner, refrigerator to buy. Monthly expenses, whether to keep a maid or not etc. Are all decided by my wife. I just agree to it "

I asked "Then, what is your role?"

He said "My decisions are only for very big issues. Like whether America should attack Iran, whether Britain should lift sanctions over Zimbabwe, whether telangana should be formed or not, and do you know, my wife; NEVER, objects to any of these decisions"...


Dedicated to the Married Friends....

TUELIMISHANE: LIFE BEGINS AT 40

LIFE BEGINS AT 40! So how old are you?

Huo ni msemo wanao waingereza.
Today is your future kwa taarifa yako.. Ulipokuwa mdogo ulisema nikiwa mkubwa nitakuwa na gari na nyumba nzuri wazazi wangu wataishi hivi na vile. Je unayo? Je imetokea? Maybe yes. But maybe no.
Kama haijatokea je bado hujawa mkubwa? Basi kama ni mkubwa ujue kuna kitu hujafanya. 

Utasema tena nikifika miaka 40 nataka niwe na hiki na kile watoto wangu wasome international skul nk. Subiri uone miaka inavyoenda. Usishangae kufika 40 bado umeajiriwa kwa mtu na anakugombeza kwa nini mwanao anaumwa kila siku unachelewa kazini. Kazi nyingi. No bright future. No enjoyable present. Just existing and not living!
Hapo ndo unawaza kufuga ng'ombe wa maziwa kibamba kwenye kiwanja chako cha miguu 12 kwa 15! Wenzako wa umri wako hapo unasikia wameanzisha bness in Australia. Wamenunua kiwanja Mbezi Beach kwa 300M! Wanamiliki Apartment Johannesburg. Wakienda UK wanaenda kula The Ritz (Google that). Wanasomesha watoto zao the finest schools available wewe wa kwako wakati huo wamekosa nafasi Makongo wameenda Kibamba Secondary School wanapanda daladala sita kwenda na kurudi full kutukanwa na makonda.

Wenzako in their 40s wanasaidia wasio na uwezo katika jamii wewe ndo kwanza ukipokea simu kutoka kijijini una-mute! Wenzako in their 40s wakisikia kuna ujenzi wa nyumba ya ibada wanachangia 5M kimyakimya.. Wewe ukitoa laki moja basi mpaka mtaa wa saba watakujua! Halafu unashangaa wanazidi kuinuliwa. Mwenye nacho ataongezewa au hujui? Na asiye nacho..... (Malizia)
Wenzako in their 40s wana exposure ya uhakika. Walishafika kuanzia Sauzi, Botswana, Mozambique, Kenya, Ethiopia, Ghana, Naija, mpaka Egypt, The UK, Australia, Hawaii, Mexico, Croatia, The Netherlands, Switzerland, US, Panama mpaka Puerto Rico, Brazil na jirani zake, Hong Kong, Australia, Japan, China, (Incredible) India, Thailand, Singapore,  New Zealand, Comorros, you name it..!!  Wewe hata Kampala hujawahi fika. Kila siku Tegeta Posta ndo ruti yako miaka 15 mfululizo eti unatafutia watoto maisha! Unaishi au unaisha?

Acha mawazo mgando. Hiyo ajira ifanye serious sana tu lakini kwa muda tu. Jiandae kusimama mwenyewe. Kwani hujiamini? Na Mungu naye humwamini? Changamoto ni sehemu tu ya kufika kileleni. Don't be afraid. Don't dwell in that comfort zone!! Unasubiri kiinua mgongo? Utaenda kukiinvest wapi na kwa nguvu ipi. Na utaenjoy retirement kweli kama at 60 yrs ndo unafungua duka la vifaa vya ujenzi eti vinalipa. Kwa nini hukufungua ukiwa 30 ili uone vinalipa au la. At 60?  With due respect.

Suffer the pain of discipline now. Or else you will suffer the pain of REGRET. Halafu ukianza kuregret ndo pressure zinakuja, stress, nk mwisho unawacha hata hao watoto in a far worse situation than your own lifetime.

Life Begins at 40 my friend.. How Old Are You?

OMBA RUHUSA UONE

UKITAKA UGOMVI NA UJUE KAMA MKEO NI
MARIDHIA BASI NI HAPA!

MUME: "Mke wangu mpenz!"

MKE : "Abee!! mume wangu mpnz pumzi ya maisha yangu!"

MUME: "Nakupenda sana mke wangu mlezi wa familia yangu!"

MKE : "Hata mie nakupenda sana mume wangu kipenz we ndio kila kitu ktk maisha yangu! Mmmmmmmwaaah!!!"

MUME: "Mmmmmmmwaaaa!!"

MKE : "Ahsante hny wangu!"

MUME: "Sasa kuna jambo nilikua nataka nikwambie mke wangu!"

MKE : "Ucjali mume wangu, mie kwa weye! sina la kusema."

MUME: "Cjui kama utaridhia mke wangu mpenz!"

MKE : "Jaman mume wangu! mie sina kinyongo kwa lolote utakalo niambia ili mradi liwe la kheri na la dini."

MUME: "Kwel mke wangu?"

MKE : "Kwel mume wangu",

MUME: "Uko radhi kwa nitakalo kwambia?"

MKE : "Niko radhi dunian na akhera!"

MUME: "OK! Me nilikua nataka kufuata sunna ya Mtume Muhammad (s.a.w)."

MKE : "Naam mume wangu, sunna ipi?"

MMUE: "Nilikua nataka kuongeza mke wa pili!"

MKE : "Nini??"

MUME: "ndio hivyo kama ulivyockia!"

MKE : "Mh! Makubwa jaman! Kha!"

MUME: "Kwann mke wangu?"

MKE : "Yaan wewe! Hujaona sunna zooote hizo mpaka hi ya kuongeza mke wa pili?"

MUME: "Lkn c umeniambia utaridhia mke wangu?"

MKE : "Niridhie nini? Niridhie nini? Umenichokaeeee?"

MUME: "Hapana mke wangu! Ucwe mkali!"

MKE : "Sasa je! Mbona unaniletea vioja leo hii?"

MUME: "Lkn dini c inaruhusu jaman!"

MKE : "Dini gan? Hebu nitokee hapa! tena
nakwambia hivi, ukitaka kuoa huyo mke, nipe talaka yangu sasa hivi!"

MUME: "Yamekua hayo?"

MKE : "Nasema hivi! Kama unataka kuishi na mimi ctaki kuckia habari hizo. Na kama umenichoka niambie mapemaaa nirudi kwa wazaz wangu. Nani anataka kuishi uke wenza hapa! Yan mwanaume balaa wewe cjapata kuona!"

MUME: "Dah!


KIDUME KACHANGANYIKIWA

SUBIRINI MPEWE RUHUSA KAMA MTAONGEZA MKE MAISHA

KILA WANAWAKE 100 UTAPATA MMOJA ANAERUHUSU.

SAFARI YA WAPENZI

Kulikua mtu na mkewe .wameenda sehemu nzuri...

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Wakaenda

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kwann na ww unawafata nyuma???😡

Waache wenyewe kwa raha zao😆😆😆😆😆

😂😂😂

HISABATI

NIKIKUMBUKA HUWA NACHEKA
SANA.

Nilipokuwa shule ya msingi kuanzia la 4 hadi la 7 maksi zangu za hesabu kwenye mitihani zilikuwa zinacheza kwenye 03%hadi 08%.Matokeo yalikuwa yanatangazwa mbele ya darasa!

Yanapotangazwa mwalimu anaanza kuwaita wanafunzi kwa kuanzia maksi za chini kwenda juu (0-100), kwahiyo darasa lote linajua makaratasi yakiletwa lazima niitwe kama si wa kwanza basi wa pili.

Siku moja mwalimu akaanza kuita majina, mpaka akafikia kwenye maksi 30%, 40%, 50%, 60% ,70% bado tu mi hajaniita. Watu wakaanza kuniangalia waliokuwa karibu
wakaanza kuniuliza....

"" eeeh umepasua hujaitwa, ilikwaje??"

Nilianza kuvimba kichwa, huku mwalimu anaendelea kugawa tu makaratasi.

Yakabaki makaratasi ya waliopata 80%-90% bado mi sijaitwa tu.

Mara akabaki na karatasi moja mkononi, darasa lote macho kwangu hawaamini kinachotokea maana bado sijapata karatasi.

Mwishoni mwalimu akaangalia juu, kisha
akasema

"Kuna ng'ombe hajaandika jina kapata 0% aje achukue karatasi lake..."

YESU AKIRUDI LEO

SHULE ZETU

CHAGGA AND MONEY

A Nyakyusa man invited his friends for his mother's burial, after lowering the coffin, they put yam, rice, meat etc, into the grave.

A Muhaya man asked why?

The Nyakyusa man smiled & said,

"According to our tradition, the dead go on a long journey & need all the food items they can get".

The Muhaya man dropped Shs100,000 inside and said,

"When the food finish, buy more".

A Kurya man also dropped Shs 50,000 and said, add this in case it is not enough.

A Chaga man who was present at that time smiled, brought out his cheque book and wrote a cheque of Shs 200,000. He dropped it in the coffin and took the Shs 150,000 notes as change, then said,

"Rest In Peace, but withdraw your money when you reach dia ...it is going to be a dangerous journey, we dont know how many robbers are out there and no one will be there to save you. That Check shall be safe for you to carry"

THE LAWYER

A married lawyer had sex in his car and forgot the girl's panties on the car seat. His wife found the panties in the back seat, and tore it apart screaming!

"What is this?".

He calmly replied,

"you just destroyed the evidence of a rape case which was worth millions of dollars that I am handling".

She quickly went on her knees apologizing
"babe, I'm sorry"....

What do you call him:
1. Smart,
2. A good lawyer or
3. A damn good liar?

MESEJI HAIKUFIKA

Mama mkwe kamkuta jamaa sebuleni kapandisha hasira anadai ataua mtu.

Mama Mkwe: Mwanangu kwani kuna nini jamani?

Jamaa: Leo namuua mwanao, mshenzi sana.

Mama Mkwe: Tulia jamani, kimetokea nini?

Jamaa: Mwanao mshenzi sana, nilikuwa nimesafiri, nikamtumia meseji kuwa nakuja, eti bado leo nimefika nimemkuta na mwanaume kwenye kitanda chetu, dharau gani hii, sikubali leo tunagawana majengo ya serikali, yeye anaenda kulala Muhimbili mi naenda kulala Segerea

Mama Mkwe: Subiri kwanza, mwanangu hayuko hivyo lazima kuna maelezo fulani kuhusu hili ngoja nimuulize...

mama mkwe akamfwata mwanawe na baada ya muda akarudi sebuleni.

Mama Mkwe: Unaona, nilijua mimi lazima kuna sababu. Kumbe mwenzio hakupata ile meseji uliyomtumia.

NIMEKUMISS

Jamaa kamwambia demu...

Nimekumiss

Demu wacha amind.. .yuko..

We unaniona mie kibibi sio?? Kwa taarifa yako mi mbichi kabisa.... hata chuo sijamaliza    na vyeti ninavyo sijapoteza hata kimoja

Apo jamaa ikibidi ampooze kumuelewesha

Nlikua simaanishi we ni Miss... nina maana kwamba sijakuona mda mrefu saana!!

Ndo kidogo demu mzuka ukatulia....

APPLE WATCH

LAZIMA AKIMBIE

CAN YOU SEE??

WORK AS A TEAM

MLEVI NOMA

Mlevi alianguka watu wakajaa kila mmoja akatoa wazo lake:-

Mmwagieni maji kichwani,

Mpepeeni amekosa hewa huyo!,

Dogo mmoja akasema:- 

"Njaa inamsumbua huyo, mchukulieni nusu kuku na castle baridi."

Mlevi akanyanyua kichwa taratibu nakusema:- 

"Msikilizeni vizuri dogo" 

Kisha akalala tena!! 

HOW LONG.....

An American was visiting Tanzania for the first time, so he boarded a taxi from the airport to his hotel, Andunje happened to be the taxi driver,

on the way the American saw a beautiful building and asked Andunje, 

"how long did it take to build such beautiful building", 

Andunje was proud of his country and said 6 years,

 the American replied 

"nonsense, in my country it will take 6 months to build same building".

They passed by another huge building, the american asked again, 

"how many years did it take to build the house", 

Andunje replied 

"2 years", 

to his shock again the american said,

"rubbish, it takes just 2 months to build same building in my country".

They finally passed the Twin Towers in town, and the american was amazed, 

he asked how long did it take to build such magnificent structures, 

Andunje just looked at him and said 

"which structure, I don't know and im surprised! coz when I passed here this morning, the buildings weren't there".

DIFFERENCE

WHAT IS PERIOD??

Teacher: Andunje, what is a Period?

Andunje: I don't know the meaning Sir. But I am very sure it is very dangerous.

Teacher: Why Andunje?

Andunje: because when my sister said that she didn’t see her period for 5months,

-my mum fainted,
-my dad got a heart attack and
-our driver ran away….

So I don’t think Period is a good thing

STUPID

DOGO: Eti baba mtu stupid yuko je? 

DADDY: Hilo ni swali zuri sana, a very good kweshen kwa kweli I am praud of you,ni wazi kuwa kuna kila sababu ya kukiri kuwa elimu unayopata inaendana na mtizamo mzima wa big results now, you see mwanangu, mtu stupid ni yule ambaye akiulizwa just a simpo kweshen, yaani swali dogo sana basi huanza kulinyumbulisha na kuongeza mofimu na fonimu katika hilo swali, kuanza kutafuta, tena infact bila mantiki yoyote wala kufuata basis ya swali, na baada ya hapo kufanya mchanganuo usio na mashiko yoyote na hatimae kukam up na solushenz ambazo in prinsipo hazikuweko katika swali husika kiasi cha kwamba aliyeuliza swali anakuwa haelewi hata kitu, umeelewa 

DOGO: Hapana

NANI BABA

Mtu na mkewe walienda hospitali ili mke aweze kujifungua mtoto. 

Walipofika daktari akawaambia ametengeneza mashine ambayo ina uwezo wa kuhamisha kiasi cha maumivu ya kuijfungua kutoka kwa mama kwenda kwa baba wa mtoto. 

Basi jamaa kusikia hivyo akaomba kiasi cha maumivu ya uzazi kihamishwe kutoka kwa mkewe kwenda kwake. Dokta akakubali ili akamuonya jamaa kwamba maumivu ni makali kuliko maumivu ya aina yoyote ile ambayo amewahi kuyapata. 

Jamaa akakubali. 

Basi dokta akaenda kwenye mashine akabonyeza 90% ya maumivu kwa mama, 10% kwa baba. 

Huku harakati za mama kujifungua mtoto zikiendelea jamaa akamwambia dokta: 

najiskia niko fiti kabisa endelea kunihamishia hayo maumivu toka kwa mke wangu. 

Dokta akaenda kwenye mashine akaongeza maumivu kwenda kwa baba hadi 20%. 

Jamaa bado akawa anajiskia vizuri tu.

 Dokta ikambidi ampime presha na mapigo ya moyo akaona kweli jamaa bado yuko fiti. Dokta akashangaa sana. 

Kwa kuwa zoezi la kuhamisha maumivu toka kwa mama kwenda kwa baba lilikuwa linampa sana unafuu mama aliyekuwa anajifungua, mume mtu akamshauri dokta amuhamishie maumivu yote yeye. 

Dokta akaenda kwenye mashine akakandamiza maumivu 100% yaenda kwa mwanaume na jamaa akawa bado yuko sawa kabisa.

Basi mama akajifungua mtoto mzuri tu wa kiume na jamaa na mkewe pamoja na baby boy wao wakarudi nyumbani. Ile kufika tu home wakamkuta house boy kaanguka getini kadedi kitambo

HII NDO DAWA...!!

UTAMFANYEJE

NDO USHAMSAIDIA HALAFU UTAMKUTA HIVI

BY MKANDAMIZAJI

MUNGU ANASEMAJE??

MWALIMU Kasinzia darasani , DOGO kamfuata na kumwambia Teacher mbona umetupa zoezi tufanye alafu unasinzia ?? 

[MWALIMU:] ''hapana mimi sijalala !"

[DOGO]: ''kwani hapa ulikuwa unafanya nini mda huu ? mimi nimekuona umelala''

[MWALIMU:] ''nilikuwa naongea na MUNGU!''

KESHO YAKE

DOGO kasinzia Darasana wakati kipindi linaendelea. MWALIMU akamuamsha
"DOGO, Yani unathubutu kusinzia kwenye kipindi changu?"

[DOGO:] "Hapana mwalimu sijasinzia!"

[MWALIMU:] " Enhee Tuambie Basi ulikuwa unafanya nini ? maana darasa zima limekuona"

[DOGO: ] "nilikuwa naongea na MUNGU na mimi Pia "

MWALIMU Kwa Hasira huku akipiga kelele , " Enhe Hebu Tuambie MUNGU wako Amesemaje ???!?!" maana naona watu mnatafuta Viboko Asubuhi Asubuhi.

[DOGO:] "MUNGU Kasema Hakuongea na wewe Hapo Jana !"

TALKING DOG

A guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Sure do." the dog replies.

"So, what's your story?" 

The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running."

"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals."

"Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Cause he's a liar. He didn't do any of that shit!"

IF ONLY