Friday, June 22, 2012
Thursday, June 21, 2012
UNAFANYAJE APO WEWE??
Jamaa mmoja karudi nyumbani kwake jioni amekasirika kweli.
Mke wake akamuuliza "Nini mbaya mume wangu mbona umekunja sura hivyo?"
Jamaa akajibu "Ni huyu mpuuzi Landlord wetu...kasema ati ashalala na wanawake wote kwa hii nyumba isipokuwa mmoja tu!"
Mke "Aaa huyo lazima itakuwa mke wa yule jirani yetu Omari...mwanamke ni kisirani huyo!!"
Tafakari yaliyofuata
Mke wake akamuuliza "Nini mbaya mume wangu mbona umekunja sura hivyo?"
Jamaa akajibu "Ni huyu mpuuzi Landlord wetu...kasema ati ashalala na wanawake wote kwa hii nyumba isipokuwa mmoja tu!"
Mke "Aaa huyo lazima itakuwa mke wa yule jirani yetu Omari...mwanamke ni kisirani huyo!!"
Tafakari yaliyofuata
utafanyaje...???
BINTI:"Hi Baba"
BABA:"Sema binti yangu?"
BINTI:"Nimempenda huyu watchmen wa hapa nyumbani na nimeamua kutoroka nikaolewe nae"
BABA:"Pumbavu kweli wewe unadhani nitashtuka? Safari njema na nisione sura yako tena hapa!"
BINTI:"Samahani baba.....Nilikuwa nakusomea barua aliyoacha mama"
BABA:"Umesema..!!"
BABA:"Sema binti yangu?"
BINTI:"Nimempenda huyu watchmen wa hapa nyumbani na nimeamua kutoroka nikaolewe nae"
BABA:"Pumbavu kweli wewe unadhani nitashtuka? Safari njema na nisione sura yako tena hapa!"
BINTI:"Samahani baba.....Nilikuwa nakusomea barua aliyoacha mama"
BABA:"Umesema..!!"
WATOTO WENGINE NOOOMA
VITUKO USWAHILINI
MTOTO:"Oya baba niletee iyo glass hapo"
BABA:"We mtoto... acha ujinga,njoo uchukue mwenyewe!!"
MTOTO:"Si uniletee tu uko karibu nayo!"
BABA:"Shenzi wafikiria mi ni mtoto mwenzio! Nitakuja kukupiga makofi!!"
MTOTO:"Ukija kunipiga makofi usisahau kuja na hio glass"
MTOTO:"Oya baba niletee iyo glass hapo"
BABA:"We mtoto... acha ujinga,njoo uchukue mwenyewe!!"
MTOTO:"Si uniletee tu uko karibu nayo!"
BABA:"Shenzi wafikiria mi ni mtoto mwenzio! Nitakuja kukupiga makofi!!"
MTOTO:"Ukija kunipiga makofi usisahau kuja na hio glass"
HII NOMA
Siku moja imamu kawambia watu msikitini "Anaeteswa na mkewe kati yenu asimame"
Watu wote wakasimama,isipokuwa jamaa mmoja tu kabaki amekaa.
Imamu akamwambia "Mashallah wewe huteswi na mkeo"
Yule jamaa akajibu
"Kanivunja miguu siwezi hata kusimama!"
Watu wote wakasimama,isipokuwa jamaa mmoja tu kabaki amekaa.
Imamu akamwambia "Mashallah wewe huteswi na mkeo"
Yule jamaa akajibu
"Kanivunja miguu siwezi hata kusimama!"
JAMAA MUONGO HUYU...
Mvuta bhangi flani muongo aliondoka mtaani kwa mwezi mmoja.
Aliporudi mtaani akaanza kusema alikuwa Dubai.
Wavuta bhangi wenzake wakamuuliza kama aliona lile jumba refu zaidi ya yote duniani.
Akajibu "Eeeh nilifika mpaka hapo kukawa na mwarabu mmoja mpuuzi aliyejirusha kutoka kilele mwa hiyo nyumba."
Wenziwe wakamwambia "Duh kweli huyo ni mpuuzi,alikufa ama kaponea...?
Jamaa akadakia "Alikufa!! Siku tatu yuko hewani bila chakula.....utaponea kweli hapo"
Aliporudi mtaani akaanza kusema alikuwa Dubai.
Wavuta bhangi wenzake wakamuuliza kama aliona lile jumba refu zaidi ya yote duniani.
Akajibu "Eeeh nilifika mpaka hapo kukawa na mwarabu mmoja mpuuzi aliyejirusha kutoka kilele mwa hiyo nyumba."
Wenziwe wakamwambia "Duh kweli huyo ni mpuuzi,alikufa ama kaponea...?
Jamaa akadakia "Alikufa!! Siku tatu yuko hewani bila chakula.....utaponea kweli hapo"
WA AINA HII HUMPATI...
DEM:"Naomba unisaidie kupata mchumba."
MTAALAM:"Unataka mume wa aina gani?"
DEM:"Nataka awe mchangamfu,awe anaweza kunihadithia stori tamtamu siku nzima,awe na uwezo wa kuniliwaza na kunibembeleza,asitoke ndani na asiwe mbishi."
MTAALAM:"Olewa na redio!!"
MTAALAM:"Unataka mume wa aina gani?"
DEM:"Nataka awe mchangamfu,awe anaweza kunihadithia stori tamtamu siku nzima,awe na uwezo wa kuniliwaza na kunibembeleza,asitoke ndani na asiwe mbishi."
MTAALAM:"Olewa na redio!!"
PANYA NA NYOKA
porini hakuishi vituko , siku moja panya ktk matembezi yake kwa bahati mbaya alimkanyaga nyoka,
mdahalo ukawe hivi
NYOKA: oya dogo mbona tunakanyagana?
PANYA: SORR BRO,BAHATI MBAYA.
NYOKA: sorry kitu gani tazama mtoto mdogo midevu kibao.
PANYA: AAAH! Nenda zako huko, kubwa zima hadi leo linatambaa.
mdahalo ukawe hivi
NYOKA: oya dogo mbona tunakanyagana?
PANYA: SORR BRO,BAHATI MBAYA.
NYOKA: sorry kitu gani tazama mtoto mdogo midevu kibao.
PANYA: AAAH! Nenda zako huko, kubwa zima hadi leo linatambaa.
WALEVI NAO.....
Walevi wa 2, walikua wakiangua embe mtini bila mafanikio..
Mlevi mmoja akamwambia mwenzako
'Embe bichi nini,mawe yote lakin halianguk''
Mlevi wa pili akamjibu
'ngoja nipande mtini nikalibonyeze'
alivyopanda akalibonyeza, akamwambia mwenzako mbona limeiva..
Mlevi akashuka mtini wakawa wanaendelea kuliangua kwa mawe.....!
Mlevi mmoja akamwambia mwenzako
'Embe bichi nini,mawe yote lakin halianguk''
Mlevi wa pili akamjibu
'ngoja nipande mtini nikalibonyeze'
alivyopanda akalibonyeza, akamwambia mwenzako mbona limeiva..
Mlevi akashuka mtini wakawa wanaendelea kuliangua kwa mawe.....!
UJINGA KWA UJINGA.....
Stupid Questions Well Answered:
Q: Umenyoa nywele?
A: Hapana, nimebadilisha kichwa.
Q: Hiyo simu umenunua?
A: Hapana nimeitengeneza mwenyewe.
Q: Utakula mboga na nini?
A: Mdomo
(A midnight call)
Q: Nimekuamsha?
A: Hapana nilikuwa naota jua hapa nje.
Q: Gazeti la leo linasemaje?
A: Sijaongea nalo.
Q: Gari limejaa, nitakaa wapi?
A: Usijali dereva anashuka kituo kinachofata utapata kiti.
Q: Hiyo ni accident?
A: Hapana ni driver ameamua kupark gari upside down.
Q: Umepause movie?
A: Hapana wamechoka kuact wanarest.
Q: Umenyoa nywele?
A: Hapana, nimebadilisha kichwa.
Q: Hiyo simu umenunua?
A: Hapana nimeitengeneza mwenyewe.
Q: Utakula mboga na nini?
A: Mdomo
(A midnight call)
Q: Nimekuamsha?
A: Hapana nilikuwa naota jua hapa nje.
Q: Gazeti la leo linasemaje?
A: Sijaongea nalo.
Q: Gari limejaa, nitakaa wapi?
A: Usijali dereva anashuka kituo kinachofata utapata kiti.
Q: Hiyo ni accident?
A: Hapana ni driver ameamua kupark gari upside down.
Q: Umepause movie?
A: Hapana wamechoka kuact wanarest.
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
PUSHED IT BACK IN
A man came to work on Monday morning with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened.
The man replied, “On Sunday, I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her butt crack, so I was trying to be nice and I pulled it out for her. Then,
she turned around and punched me in the eye.”
The boss asked, “Okay, so where did you get the other shiner?”
“Well,” the man said,
“I figured she didn’t want it out, so I pushed it back in.”
The man replied, “On Sunday, I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her butt crack, so I was trying to be nice and I pulled it out for her. Then,
she turned around and punched me in the eye.”
The boss asked, “Okay, so where did you get the other shiner?”
“Well,” the man said,
“I figured she didn’t want it out, so I pushed it back in.”
WADAU..
POLENI NA KWA UKIMYA WA SIKU KADHAAA ILA KAMA KADAWIA MAMBO IMERUDI TENA NA KWA NGUVU MPYA...
PAMOJA KWA SANA KUPUNGUZA STRESS NA MAKUNYAZI KWA USO...
JUMUIKA NA WENGINE PIA TUPATE KUSIRIKI
UNAWEZA KUWEKZ COMMENT KATIKA POST YOYOTE NA PIA WAWEZA KUISHARE POST YOYOTE
ACHA UBAHILI....... MWAMBIE NA MWENZAKO..!! KWANI WALIPIA HII.....
PAMOJA KWA SANA KUPUNGUZA STRESS NA MAKUNYAZI KWA USO...
JUMUIKA NA WENGINE PIA TUPATE KUSIRIKI
UNAWEZA KUWEKZ COMMENT KATIKA POST YOYOTE NA PIA WAWEZA KUISHARE POST YOYOTE
ACHA UBAHILI....... MWAMBIE NA MWENZAKO..!! KWANI WALIPIA HII.....
FOR A MONTH....
One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants.
The man says, "Oh just a beer".
The bartender asked the man,
"What's wrong, why are you so down today?"
Man: "My wife and I got into a fight, and she said she wouldn't talk to me for a month."
Bartender: "So what's wrong with that?"
Man: "The month ends tonight."
The man says, "Oh just a beer".
The bartender asked the man,
"What's wrong, why are you so down today?"
Man: "My wife and I got into a fight, and she said she wouldn't talk to me for a month."
Bartender: "So what's wrong with that?"
Man: "The month ends tonight."
COMMUNITY SERVICE
One day a florist goes for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the barber and the barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you, I am doing a community service". The florist is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.
A butcher goes for a haircut the next day and he also goes to pay the barber and the barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing a community service". The butcher is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning the barber goes to open his shop and there is a thank you card and a package of steaks waiting at his door.
The next day a politician goes for a haircut and goes to pay the barber. The barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you, I am doing a community service".
The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds at the door?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
A dozen more politicians waiting for free haircuts.
The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.
A butcher goes for a haircut the next day and he also goes to pay the barber and the barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing a community service". The butcher is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning the barber goes to open his shop and there is a thank you card and a package of steaks waiting at his door.
The next day a politician goes for a haircut and goes to pay the barber. The barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you, I am doing a community service".
The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds at the door?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
A dozen more politicians waiting for free haircuts.
Monday, June 11, 2012
MAMBO YA MAPENZI......UNAWEZA WEWE??
Couple hang themselves after there parents disapproved thea intention to marry..
This brings to a questn,
how far can u go in the name of luv?!
Ama whats the craziest thing u hv eva done in the name of luv?!!
HAYA...HIZI NAZO......!!
A Wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two! She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.
Once she’s done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. :s
“Hi darling”, he says, “Your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Hope you have said hello to them.”
——————————–
——————————–
A student was asked 2 write a signboard 4 the traffic rules near da college campus
He wrote:-
“Drive Carefully!
Don’t kill the students,
wait for the Teachers”
Don’t kill the students,
wait for the Teachers”
———————————–
A man killed his wife recently and he was in custody:
Judge: Why did u shoot your wife instead of shooting her lover?
Sardar: Your honour, it’s easier to shoot a woman once, than shooting one man every week.
_______________________________________________________
nani anachiti sasa???
Lady 1: I think my husband is cheating on me.
Lady 2: how do uconclude that?
Lady 1 : yesterday he told me that he was with John last night 4 a party, but John was with me the whole night.
Lady 2: how do uconclude that?
Lady 1 : yesterday he told me that he was with John last night 4 a party, but John was with me the whole night.
Saturday, June 9, 2012
MWAMBIE UKWELI MKEO......HATAKUAMINI
A lady tells her husband to go to the store to buy cigarettes. He walks down to the store to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine.
At the bar he sees a beautiful woman n starts talking to her. They hv few beers n one thing leads to another n they end up in her apartment.
Later, he wakes up n realizes its 3AM n says,
"Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to get really angry. Have you got any talcum powder?"
She gives him some powder. he rubs it on his hands n leaves.
At the door, angry wife "Where the hell hv u been?"
"Well, honey, I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great lukin girl there n we hd a few drinks n one thing led to another n I ended up in bed with her."
"Oh yeah? Lemme c ur hands!"
She sees his hands are covered with powder .
"You God darn liar! You were playing pool again!"
Moral of the story : Always tell ur wife the truth. She won't believe u anyway..
Men say thnx nimewachanua....apo!!
At the bar he sees a beautiful woman n starts talking to her. They hv few beers n one thing leads to another n they end up in her apartment.
Later, he wakes up n realizes its 3AM n says,
"Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to get really angry. Have you got any talcum powder?"
She gives him some powder. he rubs it on his hands n leaves.
At the door, angry wife "Where the hell hv u been?"
"Well, honey, I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great lukin girl there n we hd a few drinks n one thing led to another n I ended up in bed with her."
"Oh yeah? Lemme c ur hands!"
She sees his hands are covered with powder .
"You God darn liar! You were playing pool again!"
Moral of the story : Always tell ur wife the truth. She won't believe u anyway..
Men say thnx nimewachanua....apo!!
CHEATING
Teacher: Ma'am your son has cheated in in his examinations.
Parent: Can you prove it. My son can never do that.
Teacher: Well, the first answer of your child's partner was 'yes' aswell as your son's.
Parent: that proves nothing.
Teacher: But for the second question your son's partner rote, 'I dont know' and your son wrote, 'neither do i'
Parent: Can you prove it. My son can never do that.
Teacher: Well, the first answer of your child's partner was 'yes' aswell as your son's.
Parent: that proves nothing.
Teacher: But for the second question your son's partner rote, 'I dont know' and your son wrote, 'neither do i'
FREE OF CHARGE
The Boss came Earlier than Expected and Found the Manager kissing His secretary..
He shouted at Him...
"HEY, Is This what I pay you for?"
the manager Replied,
"No Sir, This I do free Of charge...!"
He shouted at Him...
"HEY, Is This what I pay you for?"
the manager Replied,
"No Sir, This I do free Of charge...!"
NANI MJINGA??
Ivi ni nani Mjinga kati ya hawa watu wawili???
1.Anaye angalia vocha baada ya mazungumzo ya simu lakini kapigiwa simu au
2.Anaye punguza sauti ya redio ili asome SMS
1.Anaye angalia vocha baada ya mazungumzo ya simu lakini kapigiwa simu au
2.Anaye punguza sauti ya redio ili asome SMS
UONGO MWINGINE HATA HAUFAI....
Jamaa: Unasoma?
Demu: Hapana sisomi, vipi wewe unasoma?
Jamaa: Ndo nipo kidato cha nne Jangwani.
Demu: Jamani hiyo si shule ya wasichana?
Jamaa: Aaah sory nimechanganya nipo Kisutu
Demu: Mwee mbona nayo ya wasichana...
Jamaa: haaah aaah nilikuwa nakutania tu nachukua masters IFM.
Demu: Mh ina maana IFM imeanza kutoa masters? acha uongo wako wewe...!!
Jamaa: Ishia zako demu mwenyewe hulipi wala nini...unaniuliza maswali kama tupo uhamiaji?
KWA TAHARIFA YAKO NACHUKUA DEGREE YA UDAKTARI CBE
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
DEREVAAA....
Dereva kawaua watu 26...
akihojiwa na trafic..
Askari:enhe ilikuaje ukagonga watu 26 na kuwasababishia vifo?
Driver: kulia kulikua na m2 1 alafu kushoto walikua 25, kama ni wewe ndio driver ungefanyaje?
Trafik: ningemgonga
driver: ehee sasa nlipotaka kumgonga wa kulia eti kakimbilia kushoto kwa wale 25 alidhani cjamwona nikamfwata kuko huko......
akihojiwa na trafic..
Askari:enhe ilikuaje ukagonga watu 26 na kuwasababishia vifo?
Driver: kulia kulikua na m2 1 alafu kushoto walikua 25, kama ni wewe ndio driver ungefanyaje?
Trafik: ningemgonga
driver: ehee sasa nlipotaka kumgonga wa kulia eti kakimbilia kushoto kwa wale 25 alidhani cjamwona nikamfwata kuko huko......
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