Thursday, October 30, 2014

OMBA RUHUSA UONE

UKITAKA UGOMVI NA UJUE KAMA MKEO NI
MARIDHIA BASI NI HAPA!

MUME: "Mke wangu mpenz!"

MKE : "Abee!! mume wangu mpnz pumzi ya maisha yangu!"

MUME: "Nakupenda sana mke wangu mlezi wa familia yangu!"

MKE : "Hata mie nakupenda sana mume wangu kipenz we ndio kila kitu ktk maisha yangu! Mmmmmmmwaaah!!!"

MUME: "Mmmmmmmwaaaa!!"

MKE : "Ahsante hny wangu!"

MUME: "Sasa kuna jambo nilikua nataka nikwambie mke wangu!"

MKE : "Ucjali mume wangu, mie kwa weye! sina la kusema."

MUME: "Cjui kama utaridhia mke wangu mpenz!"

MKE : "Jaman mume wangu! mie sina kinyongo kwa lolote utakalo niambia ili mradi liwe la kheri na la dini."

MUME: "Kwel mke wangu?"

MKE : "Kwel mume wangu",

MUME: "Uko radhi kwa nitakalo kwambia?"

MKE : "Niko radhi dunian na akhera!"

MUME: "OK! Me nilikua nataka kufuata sunna ya Mtume Muhammad (s.a.w)."

MKE : "Naam mume wangu, sunna ipi?"

MMUE: "Nilikua nataka kuongeza mke wa pili!"

MKE : "Nini??"

MUME: "ndio hivyo kama ulivyockia!"

MKE : "Mh! Makubwa jaman! Kha!"

MUME: "Kwann mke wangu?"

MKE : "Yaan wewe! Hujaona sunna zooote hizo mpaka hi ya kuongeza mke wa pili?"

MUME: "Lkn c umeniambia utaridhia mke wangu?"

MKE : "Niridhie nini? Niridhie nini? Umenichokaeeee?"

MUME: "Hapana mke wangu! Ucwe mkali!"

MKE : "Sasa je! Mbona unaniletea vioja leo hii?"

MUME: "Lkn dini c inaruhusu jaman!"

MKE : "Dini gan? Hebu nitokee hapa! tena
nakwambia hivi, ukitaka kuoa huyo mke, nipe talaka yangu sasa hivi!"

MUME: "Yamekua hayo?"

MKE : "Nasema hivi! Kama unataka kuishi na mimi ctaki kuckia habari hizo. Na kama umenichoka niambie mapemaaa nirudi kwa wazaz wangu. Nani anataka kuishi uke wenza hapa! Yan mwanaume balaa wewe cjapata kuona!"

MUME: "Dah!


KIDUME KACHANGANYIKIWA

SUBIRINI MPEWE RUHUSA KAMA MTAONGEZA MKE MAISHA

KILA WANAWAKE 100 UTAPATA MMOJA ANAERUHUSU.

SAFARI YA WAPENZI

Kulikua mtu na mkewe .wameenda sehemu nzuri...

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Wakaenda

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Wakaendaaa
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kwann na ww unawafata nyuma???😡

Waache wenyewe kwa raha zao😆😆😆😆😆

😂😂😂

HISABATI

NIKIKUMBUKA HUWA NACHEKA
SANA.

Nilipokuwa shule ya msingi kuanzia la 4 hadi la 7 maksi zangu za hesabu kwenye mitihani zilikuwa zinacheza kwenye 03%hadi 08%.Matokeo yalikuwa yanatangazwa mbele ya darasa!

Yanapotangazwa mwalimu anaanza kuwaita wanafunzi kwa kuanzia maksi za chini kwenda juu (0-100), kwahiyo darasa lote linajua makaratasi yakiletwa lazima niitwe kama si wa kwanza basi wa pili.

Siku moja mwalimu akaanza kuita majina, mpaka akafikia kwenye maksi 30%, 40%, 50%, 60% ,70% bado tu mi hajaniita. Watu wakaanza kuniangalia waliokuwa karibu
wakaanza kuniuliza....

"" eeeh umepasua hujaitwa, ilikwaje??"

Nilianza kuvimba kichwa, huku mwalimu anaendelea kugawa tu makaratasi.

Yakabaki makaratasi ya waliopata 80%-90% bado mi sijaitwa tu.

Mara akabaki na karatasi moja mkononi, darasa lote macho kwangu hawaamini kinachotokea maana bado sijapata karatasi.

Mwishoni mwalimu akaangalia juu, kisha
akasema

"Kuna ng'ombe hajaandika jina kapata 0% aje achukue karatasi lake..."

YESU AKIRUDI LEO

SHULE ZETU

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

CHAGGA AND MONEY

A Nyakyusa man invited his friends for his mother's burial, after lowering the coffin, they put yam, rice, meat etc, into the grave.

A Muhaya man asked why?

The Nyakyusa man smiled & said,

"According to our tradition, the dead go on a long journey & need all the food items they can get".

The Muhaya man dropped Shs100,000 inside and said,

"When the food finish, buy more".

A Kurya man also dropped Shs 50,000 and said, add this in case it is not enough.

A Chaga man who was present at that time smiled, brought out his cheque book and wrote a cheque of Shs 200,000. He dropped it in the coffin and took the Shs 150,000 notes as change, then said,

"Rest In Peace, but withdraw your money when you reach dia ...it is going to be a dangerous journey, we dont know how many robbers are out there and no one will be there to save you. That Check shall be safe for you to carry"

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

THE LAWYER

A married lawyer had sex in his car and forgot the girl's panties on the car seat. His wife found the panties in the back seat, and tore it apart screaming!

"What is this?".

He calmly replied,

"you just destroyed the evidence of a rape case which was worth millions of dollars that I am handling".

She quickly went on her knees apologizing
"babe, I'm sorry"....

What do you call him:
1. Smart,
2. A good lawyer or
3. A damn good liar?

MESEJI HAIKUFIKA

Mama mkwe kamkuta jamaa sebuleni kapandisha hasira anadai ataua mtu.

Mama Mkwe: Mwanangu kwani kuna nini jamani?

Jamaa: Leo namuua mwanao, mshenzi sana.

Mama Mkwe: Tulia jamani, kimetokea nini?

Jamaa: Mwanao mshenzi sana, nilikuwa nimesafiri, nikamtumia meseji kuwa nakuja, eti bado leo nimefika nimemkuta na mwanaume kwenye kitanda chetu, dharau gani hii, sikubali leo tunagawana majengo ya serikali, yeye anaenda kulala Muhimbili mi naenda kulala Segerea

Mama Mkwe: Subiri kwanza, mwanangu hayuko hivyo lazima kuna maelezo fulani kuhusu hili ngoja nimuulize...

mama mkwe akamfwata mwanawe na baada ya muda akarudi sebuleni.

Mama Mkwe: Unaona, nilijua mimi lazima kuna sababu. Kumbe mwenzio hakupata ile meseji uliyomtumia.

NIMEKUMISS

Jamaa kamwambia demu...

Nimekumiss

Demu wacha amind.. .yuko..

We unaniona mie kibibi sio?? Kwa taarifa yako mi mbichi kabisa.... hata chuo sijamaliza    na vyeti ninavyo sijapoteza hata kimoja

Apo jamaa ikibidi ampooze kumuelewesha

Nlikua simaanishi we ni Miss... nina maana kwamba sijakuona mda mrefu saana!!

Ndo kidogo demu mzuka ukatulia....