KAMAU

Kamau,  from Nyeri walked into a bar and aggressively shouted his order to the barman.

'Please give me half a kilo of meat with kienyeji and then give everyone half a kilo steak and ugali because when I eat,  I want everyone to eat!'

The barman processed his request and gave him his meal and everyone else their meals.

When they finished enjoying their meal he shouted for another order.

'Give me a bottle of Kenya Cane and give everybody else a bottle of whiskey because when I drink I want everybody to drink!'

Everyone was happy and singing Kamau praises saying

Kamau is 'The man'.

When Kamau finished his drink he shouted again.

'Give me my bill and give everyone else their own bill, because when I pay for my meal and drinks I want everyone to pay for theirs!'......

His funeral will be this sunday.

WHATS THE MEDICINE FOR??

Teacher asks pupils to mention medicines they know & their uses.

Little Susan stands & says... "PANADOL!"

Teacher: Used for?

Susan: I think headache!

Teacher: Good Yes Musa?

Musa: PIRITON!

Teacher: Used for?

Musa: Helps in Sleeping..

Teacher: Excellent!! Yes Amos!

Amos {confidently}: VIAGRA!!

Teacher {nearly falls off her chair shocked}
What for?????

Amos: I think Diarrhoea..

Teacher: Who told you that?

Amos: Every night my mom tells Dad, "TAKE 2 VIAGRA PILLS, MAYBE THAT LITTLE SHIT WILL BE HARDER TODAY.

Made by You

GM

MKAKA: Mambo mrembo?

MDADA: Safi

MKAKA: Tafadhali naomba nizungumze machache na wewe

MDADA: We vipi kila mwanamke ukimuona unataka kuongea nae

MKAKA: Nisikilize kwanza, mi mtu mzima nina akili zangu siwezi kukusimamisha bila sababu

MDADA: Ok unasemaje?

MKAKA: Asante kwa kunipa muda, mimi ni GM hapo benki, ndugu zangu wamekuwa wakinilazimisha nioe nimekataa muda mrefu, nilipokuona tu roho imenisimama, nataka kukuoa basi

MDADA: Umesema GM wa Benki?

MKAKA: Ndio mrembo wangu nimekuwa GM hapo mwaka wa tatu sasa

MDADA: Wooow, hata mimi najiona muda wa kuolewa umefika, kuolewa na GM itanihakikishia maisha ya uhakika na mimi nitakutunza mume wangu, njoo nyumbani wakujue

MKAKA: Basi tufanye kesho, ili niombe ruksa kwa wakubwa waniruhusu kesho niwe off

MDADA: Kuomba ruksa kwa wakubwa? Mbona sikuelewei? We si ndio GM?

MKAKA: Ndio mimi GM yaani Gate Man sasa lazima niombe ruksa au nitapoteza kazi

MDADA: Mshenzi mkubwa unanipotezea muda wangu, najua naongea na mtu wa maana kumbe mfungua geti kwandraaa zako

WOMEN ALWAYS WOMEN

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident.

It's a bad one, caused by the woman's reckless driving.

Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says;

“So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman.

Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt.

This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man replied," I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle.

My car is completely damaged, but this bottle of wine didn't break.

Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

She replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police to come and collect their evidence."

Adam ate the apple again !

Men will NEVER learn !
Women will Never change!!!

BONGO COMPARED

INTRODUCTION.
In US: This is my lovely wife.
In Britain: This is my lovely queen.
In Tz: huyu ndo mama watoto!

WISHES.
When going to work, wife says
In US: have fun at work huby.
In UK: see you later sweetyhrt
In Tz: Chelewa na leo tena utaona'!

APPRECIATION.
When a wife appear smart, husband tells his wife;
In US: U look smart in that new dress swtyhrt.
In UK: I miss to walk with you in that dress my dear.
In TZ: Inaonekana boss ameanza kukutolea macho.... ukitoka na hiyo nguo tafuta kwako!

HANGING OUT.
In US: Dear, I enjoy this walk (walking hand in hand, to bus stop)
In UK: Baby.. it's my turn to drive.
In TZ: Mama Mwita, tangulia nikukute stand.

MOTIVATION.
When a kid fails an exam, the father says,
In US: Sorry dear. But i know u can. Yes you can.
In UK: You can still do better darlin.
In TZ: Pumbav.. Kumbe niliuza ngo'mbe na nikapeleka ng'ombe nyingine shule.!

MUHAYA NI NOOMA

Muhaya is attacked by a robber
in his silver prado..

Robber shouts; "Toa Pochi!!"

Muganyizi shouts back;

"We fala, huwezi nipigia kelele nikiwa kwenye prado na nimevaa rolex na cheni ya gold atakama we ni Osama ... bwana...

Oh, we ni jambazi??

Embu nione unatumia silaha gani!??"

(looking at the thug's hand)

"A PANGA??!!?

Aiseee, unataka kumuua meneja na panga?? k%@m#x!!"

"Chukua hii milioni moja kanunua bastola na risasi za dhahabu nakusubiri apa uje, mjinga sana unategemea kesho headlines ziandikwaje??

Eti,

'SENIOR MANAGER ACHARANGWA HADI KUFA NA MAPANGA'???

Hiyo ni aibu, sawa jambazi???

MASWALI HAYA...!!!!

MASWALI MENGINE NOMA!!.

Jamaa siku yao ya kwanza ya Ndoa akamuuliza mkewe,...

"Una hakika mimi ndiye mwanaume wa kwanza kulala nawe?."

Mke akajibu,

"Ndiyo honey, wengine wote ilikuwa hatulali ni shughuli mpaka asubuhi."

Bwana harusi kazimia.

Itaendelea akizinduka bado nafuatilia.



Do You Know Jesus??

CHINESE INVESTORS AND BUSINESS

A pastor approached one Chinese and the following conversation ensued

Pastor: Do you know Jesus?

Chinese: Aaah! Chisas.... Chisas, me not know Chisas... but if you bring sample we make one for you.... very strong Chisas

HAPPY MARRIAGE LIFE

THE SECRET TO A HAPPY MARRIED LIFE-

Once I asked my friend, "What is the secret behind your Happy Married Life?"

He said "You should share responsibilities with due love and respect each other. Then absolutely there will be no problems."

I asked "Can you explain?"

He said "In my house, I take decisions on bigger issues where as my Wife decides on smaller issues. We do not interfere in each other's decisions."

Still not convinced, i asked him "Give me some examples".

He said "Smaller issues like, which car we should buy, how much amount to save, when to visit the super market, when & where to go on vacation, which sofa, air conditioner, refrigerator to buy. Monthly expenses, whether to keep a maid or not etc. Are all decided by my wife. I just agree to it "

I asked "Then, what is your role?"

He said "My decisions are only for very big issues. Like whether America should attack Iran, whether Britain should lift sanctions over Zimbabwe, whether telangana should be formed or not, and do you know, my wife; NEVER, objects to any of these decisions"...


Dedicated to the Married Friends....

TUELIMISHANE: LIFE BEGINS AT 40

LIFE BEGINS AT 40! So how old are you?

Huo ni msemo wanao waingereza.
Today is your future kwa taarifa yako.. Ulipokuwa mdogo ulisema nikiwa mkubwa nitakuwa na gari na nyumba nzuri wazazi wangu wataishi hivi na vile. Je unayo? Je imetokea? Maybe yes. But maybe no.
Kama haijatokea je bado hujawa mkubwa? Basi kama ni mkubwa ujue kuna kitu hujafanya. 

Utasema tena nikifika miaka 40 nataka niwe na hiki na kile watoto wangu wasome international skul nk. Subiri uone miaka inavyoenda. Usishangae kufika 40 bado umeajiriwa kwa mtu na anakugombeza kwa nini mwanao anaumwa kila siku unachelewa kazini. Kazi nyingi. No bright future. No enjoyable present. Just existing and not living!
Hapo ndo unawaza kufuga ng'ombe wa maziwa kibamba kwenye kiwanja chako cha miguu 12 kwa 15! Wenzako wa umri wako hapo unasikia wameanzisha bness in Australia. Wamenunua kiwanja Mbezi Beach kwa 300M! Wanamiliki Apartment Johannesburg. Wakienda UK wanaenda kula The Ritz (Google that). Wanasomesha watoto zao the finest schools available wewe wa kwako wakati huo wamekosa nafasi Makongo wameenda Kibamba Secondary School wanapanda daladala sita kwenda na kurudi full kutukanwa na makonda.

Wenzako in their 40s wanasaidia wasio na uwezo katika jamii wewe ndo kwanza ukipokea simu kutoka kijijini una-mute! Wenzako in their 40s wakisikia kuna ujenzi wa nyumba ya ibada wanachangia 5M kimyakimya.. Wewe ukitoa laki moja basi mpaka mtaa wa saba watakujua! Halafu unashangaa wanazidi kuinuliwa. Mwenye nacho ataongezewa au hujui? Na asiye nacho..... (Malizia)
Wenzako in their 40s wana exposure ya uhakika. Walishafika kuanzia Sauzi, Botswana, Mozambique, Kenya, Ethiopia, Ghana, Naija, mpaka Egypt, The UK, Australia, Hawaii, Mexico, Croatia, The Netherlands, Switzerland, US, Panama mpaka Puerto Rico, Brazil na jirani zake, Hong Kong, Australia, Japan, China, (Incredible) India, Thailand, Singapore,  New Zealand, Comorros, you name it..!!  Wewe hata Kampala hujawahi fika. Kila siku Tegeta Posta ndo ruti yako miaka 15 mfululizo eti unatafutia watoto maisha! Unaishi au unaisha?

Acha mawazo mgando. Hiyo ajira ifanye serious sana tu lakini kwa muda tu. Jiandae kusimama mwenyewe. Kwani hujiamini? Na Mungu naye humwamini? Changamoto ni sehemu tu ya kufika kileleni. Don't be afraid. Don't dwell in that comfort zone!! Unasubiri kiinua mgongo? Utaenda kukiinvest wapi na kwa nguvu ipi. Na utaenjoy retirement kweli kama at 60 yrs ndo unafungua duka la vifaa vya ujenzi eti vinalipa. Kwa nini hukufungua ukiwa 30 ili uone vinalipa au la. At 60?  With due respect.

Suffer the pain of discipline now. Or else you will suffer the pain of REGRET. Halafu ukianza kuregret ndo pressure zinakuja, stress, nk mwisho unawacha hata hao watoto in a far worse situation than your own lifetime.

Life Begins at 40 my friend.. How Old Are You?

OMBA RUHUSA UONE

UKITAKA UGOMVI NA UJUE KAMA MKEO NI
MARIDHIA BASI NI HAPA!

MUME: "Mke wangu mpenz!"

MKE : "Abee!! mume wangu mpnz pumzi ya maisha yangu!"

MUME: "Nakupenda sana mke wangu mlezi wa familia yangu!"

MKE : "Hata mie nakupenda sana mume wangu kipenz we ndio kila kitu ktk maisha yangu! Mmmmmmmwaaah!!!"

MUME: "Mmmmmmmwaaaa!!"

MKE : "Ahsante hny wangu!"

MUME: "Sasa kuna jambo nilikua nataka nikwambie mke wangu!"

MKE : "Ucjali mume wangu, mie kwa weye! sina la kusema."

MUME: "Cjui kama utaridhia mke wangu mpenz!"

MKE : "Jaman mume wangu! mie sina kinyongo kwa lolote utakalo niambia ili mradi liwe la kheri na la dini."

MUME: "Kwel mke wangu?"

MKE : "Kwel mume wangu",

MUME: "Uko radhi kwa nitakalo kwambia?"

MKE : "Niko radhi dunian na akhera!"

MUME: "OK! Me nilikua nataka kufuata sunna ya Mtume Muhammad (s.a.w)."

MKE : "Naam mume wangu, sunna ipi?"

MMUE: "Nilikua nataka kuongeza mke wa pili!"

MKE : "Nini??"

MUME: "ndio hivyo kama ulivyockia!"

MKE : "Mh! Makubwa jaman! Kha!"

MUME: "Kwann mke wangu?"

MKE : "Yaan wewe! Hujaona sunna zooote hizo mpaka hi ya kuongeza mke wa pili?"

MUME: "Lkn c umeniambia utaridhia mke wangu?"

MKE : "Niridhie nini? Niridhie nini? Umenichokaeeee?"

MUME: "Hapana mke wangu! Ucwe mkali!"

MKE : "Sasa je! Mbona unaniletea vioja leo hii?"

MUME: "Lkn dini c inaruhusu jaman!"

MKE : "Dini gan? Hebu nitokee hapa! tena
nakwambia hivi, ukitaka kuoa huyo mke, nipe talaka yangu sasa hivi!"

MUME: "Yamekua hayo?"

MKE : "Nasema hivi! Kama unataka kuishi na mimi ctaki kuckia habari hizo. Na kama umenichoka niambie mapemaaa nirudi kwa wazaz wangu. Nani anataka kuishi uke wenza hapa! Yan mwanaume balaa wewe cjapata kuona!"

MUME: "Dah!


KIDUME KACHANGANYIKIWA

SUBIRINI MPEWE RUHUSA KAMA MTAONGEZA MKE MAISHA

KILA WANAWAKE 100 UTAPATA MMOJA ANAERUHUSU.

SAFARI YA WAPENZI

Kulikua mtu na mkewe .wameenda sehemu nzuri...

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Wakaenda

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kwann na ww unawafata nyuma???😡

Waache wenyewe kwa raha zao😆😆😆😆😆

😂😂😂

HISABATI

NIKIKUMBUKA HUWA NACHEKA
SANA.

Nilipokuwa shule ya msingi kuanzia la 4 hadi la 7 maksi zangu za hesabu kwenye mitihani zilikuwa zinacheza kwenye 03%hadi 08%.Matokeo yalikuwa yanatangazwa mbele ya darasa!

Yanapotangazwa mwalimu anaanza kuwaita wanafunzi kwa kuanzia maksi za chini kwenda juu (0-100), kwahiyo darasa lote linajua makaratasi yakiletwa lazima niitwe kama si wa kwanza basi wa pili.

Siku moja mwalimu akaanza kuita majina, mpaka akafikia kwenye maksi 30%, 40%, 50%, 60% ,70% bado tu mi hajaniita. Watu wakaanza kuniangalia waliokuwa karibu
wakaanza kuniuliza....

"" eeeh umepasua hujaitwa, ilikwaje??"

Nilianza kuvimba kichwa, huku mwalimu anaendelea kugawa tu makaratasi.

Yakabaki makaratasi ya waliopata 80%-90% bado mi sijaitwa tu.

Mara akabaki na karatasi moja mkononi, darasa lote macho kwangu hawaamini kinachotokea maana bado sijapata karatasi.

Mwishoni mwalimu akaangalia juu, kisha
akasema

"Kuna ng'ombe hajaandika jina kapata 0% aje achukue karatasi lake..."

YESU AKIRUDI LEO

SHULE ZETU

CHAGGA AND MONEY

A Nyakyusa man invited his friends for his mother's burial, after lowering the coffin, they put yam, rice, meat etc, into the grave.

A Muhaya man asked why?

The Nyakyusa man smiled & said,

"According to our tradition, the dead go on a long journey & need all the food items they can get".

The Muhaya man dropped Shs100,000 inside and said,

"When the food finish, buy more".

A Kurya man also dropped Shs 50,000 and said, add this in case it is not enough.

A Chaga man who was present at that time smiled, brought out his cheque book and wrote a cheque of Shs 200,000. He dropped it in the coffin and took the Shs 150,000 notes as change, then said,

"Rest In Peace, but withdraw your money when you reach dia ...it is going to be a dangerous journey, we dont know how many robbers are out there and no one will be there to save you. That Check shall be safe for you to carry"

THE LAWYER

A married lawyer had sex in his car and forgot the girl's panties on the car seat. His wife found the panties in the back seat, and tore it apart screaming!

"What is this?".

He calmly replied,

"you just destroyed the evidence of a rape case which was worth millions of dollars that I am handling".

She quickly went on her knees apologizing
"babe, I'm sorry"....

What do you call him:
1. Smart,
2. A good lawyer or
3. A damn good liar?

MESEJI HAIKUFIKA

Mama mkwe kamkuta jamaa sebuleni kapandisha hasira anadai ataua mtu.

Mama Mkwe: Mwanangu kwani kuna nini jamani?

Jamaa: Leo namuua mwanao, mshenzi sana.

Mama Mkwe: Tulia jamani, kimetokea nini?

Jamaa: Mwanao mshenzi sana, nilikuwa nimesafiri, nikamtumia meseji kuwa nakuja, eti bado leo nimefika nimemkuta na mwanaume kwenye kitanda chetu, dharau gani hii, sikubali leo tunagawana majengo ya serikali, yeye anaenda kulala Muhimbili mi naenda kulala Segerea

Mama Mkwe: Subiri kwanza, mwanangu hayuko hivyo lazima kuna maelezo fulani kuhusu hili ngoja nimuulize...

mama mkwe akamfwata mwanawe na baada ya muda akarudi sebuleni.

Mama Mkwe: Unaona, nilijua mimi lazima kuna sababu. Kumbe mwenzio hakupata ile meseji uliyomtumia.

NIMEKUMISS

Jamaa kamwambia demu...

Nimekumiss

Demu wacha amind.. .yuko..

We unaniona mie kibibi sio?? Kwa taarifa yako mi mbichi kabisa.... hata chuo sijamaliza    na vyeti ninavyo sijapoteza hata kimoja

Apo jamaa ikibidi ampooze kumuelewesha

Nlikua simaanishi we ni Miss... nina maana kwamba sijakuona mda mrefu saana!!

Ndo kidogo demu mzuka ukatulia....

APPLE WATCH

LAZIMA AKIMBIE

CAN YOU SEE??

WORK AS A TEAM

MLEVI NOMA

Mlevi alianguka watu wakajaa kila mmoja akatoa wazo lake:-

Mmwagieni maji kichwani,

Mpepeeni amekosa hewa huyo!,

Dogo mmoja akasema:- 

"Njaa inamsumbua huyo, mchukulieni nusu kuku na castle baridi."

Mlevi akanyanyua kichwa taratibu nakusema:- 

"Msikilizeni vizuri dogo" 

Kisha akalala tena!! 

HOW LONG.....

An American was visiting Tanzania for the first time, so he boarded a taxi from the airport to his hotel, Andunje happened to be the taxi driver,

on the way the American saw a beautiful building and asked Andunje, 

"how long did it take to build such beautiful building", 

Andunje was proud of his country and said 6 years,

 the American replied 

"nonsense, in my country it will take 6 months to build same building".

They passed by another huge building, the american asked again, 

"how many years did it take to build the house", 

Andunje replied 

"2 years", 

to his shock again the american said,

"rubbish, it takes just 2 months to build same building in my country".

They finally passed the Twin Towers in town, and the american was amazed, 

he asked how long did it take to build such magnificent structures, 

Andunje just looked at him and said 

"which structure, I don't know and im surprised! coz when I passed here this morning, the buildings weren't there".

DIFFERENCE

WHAT IS PERIOD??

Teacher: Andunje, what is a Period?

Andunje: I don't know the meaning Sir. But I am very sure it is very dangerous.

Teacher: Why Andunje?

Andunje: because when my sister said that she didn’t see her period for 5months,

-my mum fainted,
-my dad got a heart attack and
-our driver ran away….

So I don’t think Period is a good thing

STUPID

DOGO: Eti baba mtu stupid yuko je? 

DADDY: Hilo ni swali zuri sana, a very good kweshen kwa kweli I am praud of you,ni wazi kuwa kuna kila sababu ya kukiri kuwa elimu unayopata inaendana na mtizamo mzima wa big results now, you see mwanangu, mtu stupid ni yule ambaye akiulizwa just a simpo kweshen, yaani swali dogo sana basi huanza kulinyumbulisha na kuongeza mofimu na fonimu katika hilo swali, kuanza kutafuta, tena infact bila mantiki yoyote wala kufuata basis ya swali, na baada ya hapo kufanya mchanganuo usio na mashiko yoyote na hatimae kukam up na solushenz ambazo in prinsipo hazikuweko katika swali husika kiasi cha kwamba aliyeuliza swali anakuwa haelewi hata kitu, umeelewa 

DOGO: Hapana

NANI BABA

Mtu na mkewe walienda hospitali ili mke aweze kujifungua mtoto. 

Walipofika daktari akawaambia ametengeneza mashine ambayo ina uwezo wa kuhamisha kiasi cha maumivu ya kuijfungua kutoka kwa mama kwenda kwa baba wa mtoto. 

Basi jamaa kusikia hivyo akaomba kiasi cha maumivu ya uzazi kihamishwe kutoka kwa mkewe kwenda kwake. Dokta akakubali ili akamuonya jamaa kwamba maumivu ni makali kuliko maumivu ya aina yoyote ile ambayo amewahi kuyapata. 

Jamaa akakubali. 

Basi dokta akaenda kwenye mashine akabonyeza 90% ya maumivu kwa mama, 10% kwa baba. 

Huku harakati za mama kujifungua mtoto zikiendelea jamaa akamwambia dokta: 

najiskia niko fiti kabisa endelea kunihamishia hayo maumivu toka kwa mke wangu. 

Dokta akaenda kwenye mashine akaongeza maumivu kwenda kwa baba hadi 20%. 

Jamaa bado akawa anajiskia vizuri tu.

 Dokta ikambidi ampime presha na mapigo ya moyo akaona kweli jamaa bado yuko fiti. Dokta akashangaa sana. 

Kwa kuwa zoezi la kuhamisha maumivu toka kwa mama kwenda kwa baba lilikuwa linampa sana unafuu mama aliyekuwa anajifungua, mume mtu akamshauri dokta amuhamishie maumivu yote yeye. 

Dokta akaenda kwenye mashine akakandamiza maumivu 100% yaenda kwa mwanaume na jamaa akawa bado yuko sawa kabisa.

Basi mama akajifungua mtoto mzuri tu wa kiume na jamaa na mkewe pamoja na baby boy wao wakarudi nyumbani. Ile kufika tu home wakamkuta house boy kaanguka getini kadedi kitambo

HII NDO DAWA...!!

UTAMFANYEJE

NDO USHAMSAIDIA HALAFU UTAMKUTA HIVI

BY MKANDAMIZAJI

MUNGU ANASEMAJE??

MWALIMU Kasinzia darasani , DOGO kamfuata na kumwambia Teacher mbona umetupa zoezi tufanye alafu unasinzia ?? 

[MWALIMU:] ''hapana mimi sijalala !"

[DOGO]: ''kwani hapa ulikuwa unafanya nini mda huu ? mimi nimekuona umelala''

[MWALIMU:] ''nilikuwa naongea na MUNGU!''

KESHO YAKE

DOGO kasinzia Darasana wakati kipindi linaendelea. MWALIMU akamuamsha
"DOGO, Yani unathubutu kusinzia kwenye kipindi changu?"

[DOGO:] "Hapana mwalimu sijasinzia!"

[MWALIMU:] " Enhee Tuambie Basi ulikuwa unafanya nini ? maana darasa zima limekuona"

[DOGO: ] "nilikuwa naongea na MUNGU na mimi Pia "

MWALIMU Kwa Hasira huku akipiga kelele , " Enhe Hebu Tuambie MUNGU wako Amesemaje ???!?!" maana naona watu mnatafuta Viboko Asubuhi Asubuhi.

[DOGO:] "MUNGU Kasema Hakuongea na wewe Hapo Jana !"

TALKING DOG

A guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Sure do." the dog replies.

"So, what's your story?" 

The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running."

"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals."

"Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Cause he's a liar. He didn't do any of that shit!"

IF ONLY

MI NINA KITOCHI........WE VP??

DALILI ZA MTU MUONGO MUONGO

DALILI ZA MTU MUONGO MUONGO

1.Ukiona mtu anasema yupo veta anasomea biashara ujue kuna kitu

2.Ukiona mtu Kaandika yupo canada alafu ukikatika umeme mbagala anawatukana tanesco ujuekuna kitu

3.Ukiona mzee anasema enzi zangu shule nilikuwaga wa kwanza ujue kuna kitu

4.Ukiona mtu anasema wazungu wote matajiri ujue kuna kitu

5.Ukiona mtu anasema bakhresa alikuwaga shoe shine ujue kuna kitu

6.Ukiona msichana mwenye miaka zaidi ya 15 anaishi uswahilini alafu anasema mm bikra ujue kuna kitu

7.Ukiona mtu mwanaume anasema mm npo singo ujue kuna kitu

8.....

Nyingine ongeza ww

UKIKAMATWA NA POLISI

CHONDECHONDE UKIKAMATWA NA POLISI USITOE MAJIBU HAYA

Tafadhali ukiwa unaendesha gari ukasimamishwa  na 

polisi tafadhali jizuie usitumie majibu yafuatayo:

 

• Hebu nishikie konyagi yangu nikutolee leseni 

• Nilitaka na mimi kuwa polisi nikaona huu ufala

• Unajua mshahara wako unatoka kwangu mimi mlipa kodi?

• Bosi wako mwenyewe tulisoma nae praimari alikuwa mjingamjinga

• Umejuaje nimekunywa, au na wewe mdau?

• Jela zimetengenezwa kwa ajili yetu

METHALI MPYA

soma hizi methali mpya na wewe unipe yako moja

1. Simba mwendapole... Huyo ni Sharobaro
2. Asiyefunzwa na Mamae.. Ujue Mama hajapitia Ualimu
3. Zimwi likujualo.. Lilikuona Sehemu
4. Chelewa Chelewa.. Ukizikusanya utapata Ufagio
5. Hakuna Masika.. Wakati wa Kiangazi
6. Mpanda Ngazi.. atafika juu
7. Ukitaka cha Uvunguni.. Usishangae ukikuta ni Kichafu na vumbi
8. Hakuna Marefu.. Bila mafupi
9. Kuku Mgeni.. Hufungiwa mpaka azoee
10. Haba na haba.. Haba Mbili.
11. Penye wengi..Pana Ajali au Tukio hasa kigodoro
12. Ukiona vyaelea .. Ujue ni vyepesi

*** ENDELEZA ...!!?

WATCH TV

SPIK INGLISH

MAANA YA SERIKALI

Mtoto mdogo alimfuata baba yake na kumuliza, " Nini maana ya SIASA?"

Baba akajibu, " Mwanangu ngoja nijaribu kujibu kwa mfano huu: mimi natafuta fedha ya matumizi, hivyo niite mimi BEPARI

Mama yako yeye anasimamia matumizi ya fedha, hivyo mwite SERIKALI. 

Mimi na mama yako tuko kwa ajili ya kuwapa nyie mahitaji yenu hivyo nyinyi twawaita WATU.

Dada wa kazi yeye anatusaidia kazi za hapa ndani hivyo tunamwita MFANYAKAZI. Na mdogo wako ambaye ni mdogo tunamwita FURSA ZA BAADAYE"

 Haya sasa mwanangu hebu fikiri na uone kama ina kupa jibu la kuridhisha.... 

Kijana akaondoka na kwenda kulala huku akifikiri na kuyatafakari  maneno aliyoyasema baba.

Baadae usiku ule, akasikia mtoto ambaye ni mdogo wake akiwa analia hivyo akaamua kuamka na kwenda kumcheki.

 Akaona mtoto kajinyea na kajipaka uchafu huo huku akilia kuashiria anahitaji msaada.

Akaamua aende chumbani kwa baba na mama, akamshuhudia mama akiwa peke yake kalala usingizi mzito na hana habari yoyote.

Hakutaka kumwamsha akaona angemsumbua mama, akarudi na kwenda shumba cha dada wa kazi na kuona mlango umefungwa. 

Akachungulia kupitia tundu la ufunguo na kuona dada wa kazi akiwa na baba wanafanya yao. 

Akakata tamaa na kurudi kulala bila ya kuwa na msaada wowote kwa mdogo wake.

Siku ya pili mtoto akamwambia baba,  "sasa nafikiri naelewa maana halisi ya SIASA."

Baba akasema, " safi sana mtoto mzuri, haya sasa niambie kwa maneno yako maana halisi ya siasa kwa jinsi ulivyoitafakari"

Mtoto akajibu, "Ni hivi, wakati BEPARI anamyanyasa na kumtumia vibaya MFANYAKAZI, SERIKALI imelala usingizi mzito, Na WATU  hawasikilizwi shida zao huku FURSA ZA BAADAYE zikiwa  zimesusiwa kwenye uchafu bila msaada.

Baba kidogo azimie.

wewe ungejibu vipi?

LESSON TO BE LEARNED

USE IT TO SHOW IT

DOCTOR EVIL

BEST DAD

HASIRA ZA KONDA

Konda alikuwa kakasirika sana, abiria alikuwa kagoma kulipa nauli akisisitiza eti yeye ni denti, wakati kila mtu alimuona ni mtu mzima, 

konda akamkunja jamaa, wakapigana sana, 

abiria alipoona anapigwa akaanza kukimbia, 

konda akamfukuza abiria akaaingia kwenye shimo, 

konda alipofika pale akakuta yeye hawezi kuingia kwenye shimo, kwa kisirani akaamua amkojolee humohumo kwenye shimo,

wananchi waliokuwa karibu wakamhamasisha konda, 

'Mnyee huyo, konda mnyee', 

konda akavua suruali na kulenga lile shimo na kuachia kitu. 

Hapo ndipo sauti ya hasira ya mkewe ikamuita, ikiambatana na makofi, konda akazinduka toka usingizini, akakuta kishaharibu mambo yote kitandani

WHO TOOK THE PHOTO???

LIE CLOCK

SHORTEST HORROR STORY

HOW IT FEELS

FREE OF CHARGE

The boss came early in the morning one day & found Andunje kissing his secretary.

He shouted at him, "Is this what I pay you for?"

Andunje replied: "No Sir, I do this free of charge"

GAMES

NO ONE WILL BUY

WOMEN... MULTITASKING

MAKE THE MOST OF WHAT YOU HAVE

KIPANDA USO

basi leo asubuhi nimemuona mrembo mzuri masikini hata hawezi kugombania gari, nikaona hapa hapa ndio pa kuchukua ujiko!

Nikapanda fasta nikawahi siti ya watu wawili halafu nikakaa katikati ili akija nimpishe,

dah! Si likatokea libabu moja limevaa miwani kubwaa kama ya kukatia vitunguu likaa!

Duh linanuka tu sigara,

Yule Mrembo akasimama, limoyo likauma kweli!,

Daladala ilipofika Makumbusho nikaona lile Babu linashuka, aisee kama zali na Mrembo akakaa!

Jaman Bahati iliyoje,nikalianzisha,

MIMI : Mambo Mrembo.
MREMBO : poa,
MIMI : Karibu Karanga (nikatoa vinjugu vya kuzugia)
MREMBO : silagi huo Uchafu,labda Pop Corn na Clips.
MIMI : Ok naitwa Chogomundu Pangalashaba mwenzangu?
MREMBO : He he heee! Jina kama dawa!, mi naitwa Princess Rihanna!,

Wakati naendelea kupata majibu Machungu ghafla Nikaona Gari imefika Namanga, kwa kweli kama huyu mrembo angekuwa anatoa majibu ya kuridhisha ningeenda kushuka nae popote nikamwambia konda

"Shusha Namanga" ,

sasa wakati nashuka nikashangaa kumbe na yeye anashuka hapo hapo!

MIMI : haa kumbe na wewe unashuka hapa?
YEYE : so what?
MIMI : ok umekataa karanga zangu, basi twende hapo kwa Mama ntilie tukagonge chai,andazi maharage,
YEYE : khaa! Unikome, mimi huwa natumia vitu kama Burger,Kuku, sausages,Pizza, Egg Chops na Chipsi Mayai, yaani Uzuri Wangu woote unilishe kwa Mama ntilie? KOMA!,

Dah Mrembo akasepa zake, nikaona hakuna Noma nikaagiza zangu Maharage ya 200,maandazi mawili
200 na Chai ya 100, nikaacha kajero hapo nikasepa,
Nimefika Kwa Shangazi akafurahi kweli kuniona.

SHANGAZI : mwanangu Chogomundu Karibu Baba!,
MIMI: asante Shangazi
SHANGAZI: yule mwanangu wa Mwisho unamkumbuka?
MIMI : Si yule Kipandauso?
SHANGAZI: huyo huyo!
MIMI : namjua vizuri,wakati anakuwa namuona,hata nepi nimembadili teh!, yupo wapi siku hizi?
SHANGAZI : amekuwa mkubwa kweli, anasoma Hapo Chuo Cha Kodi TRA pale karibu na ITV, ila yupo alienda Chuo akahisi homa kaona arudi,ngoja nimuite,
Kipandausooooo!!!
KIPANDAUSO : beeee Mama!
SHANGAZI : Njoo mwanangu,kuna Mgeni!

Hamad! Ndipo Macho yangu yakakutana na Yule Mrembo wa Kwenye daladala, kavaa vitenge vya zamani vya Shangazi, hana Wigi tena,muda huu komwe la ukoo linaonekana, komwe la babu yetu!,

mrembo kashika sahani ya Maboga na kikombe cha uji wa Mchele!,

Aliponiona Almanusura azimie!!!,

huyu ndiye Kipandauso, Mtoto wa Mwisho wa Mjomba Dindoyogo!,

ukipenda Muite Kipandauso Dindoyogo!

SHANGAZI : Njoo na Maboga ya kutosha na kikombe kingine cha uji uje unywe na Kaka yako!

Dah! akarudi ndani kinoma noma kainamisha sura chini, mi nikawa najiuliza wapi Pizza? Wapi Burger?
Wapi Sausage?, anyway bado nipo hapa kwa Shangazi mpaka baadae.

HAPANA CHEZEA DENGUA

WASANII WATANO (5) MATAJIRI NCHINI

1. NASEEB ABDUL (DIAMOND)

Ni msanii aliye leta mapinduzi makubwa katika muziki hasahasa katika show za stejini yaani live performance .ni msanii anaye lipwa pesa nyingi kwa sasa tanzania kwa show moja anayo fanya. pia ni msanii mwenye show nyingi kwa mwezi kuliko wote,.hii imechangia kuweza kupata pesa nyingi katika mda mfupi.anamiliki nyumba kadhaa,viwanja,magari,maduka.

2. JOSEPH HAULE (PROFESSOR JAY)

Nguli wa muziki wa bongo fleva tanzania,anafanya show nyingi za nje,ni msanii aaliye dumu kwa mda mrefu,anamiliki nyumba ya kisasa ya zaidi ya tsh.mil 100, anamiliki gari,mashamba

3. JUDITH WAMBURA (LADY JAY DEE)

Ni msanii mwenye heshima sana tanzania kutokana na kujiheshimu kwake,kapata mafanikio sana katika kazi zake za muziki na kuweza kuwa mfano wa kuigwa kwa wasanii wengine.kwani uchapa kazi wake ndo sababu ya mafanikio yake kimaisha.

Mali anazomiliki ni pamoja na -gari aina ya murano thamani ya
tsh.mil 45, basi aina ya costa tsh.mil.30, prado, nyumba nzuri ya kisasa,pamoja na mgahawa wa nyumbani longe wenye thamani ya zaidi ya tsh.mil.150 pia alianzisha maji yake ya jay dee ambayo baadaye yalizuiwa.

4. AMBWENE YESAYA (AY)

AY ni msanii mkimnya sana na huwa haweki mambo yake hadharani sana hasahasa ya maisha yake.lakini ni msanii mwenye pesa nyingi kutokana na kufanya show nyingi za kimataifa zinazo mpatia pesa nyingi.anamiliki magari,ana duka la ngua,pia ana nguo zake maalumu zenye nembo ya jina lake

5. KALEYA HUMORS (LIFE IS SHORT)

Ni mzushi mmoja ambaye anamiliki uongo mwingi na uzushi wa ajabu ajabu.

Mali anazomiliki ni pamoja na nyumba aliyopanga sasa ( sio mali yake) , blog www.kaleyahumors.blogspot.com ambayo haijapata matangazo wala mtu anayemtembelea.

kujihakIkishia we tembelea blogu yake (www.kaleyahumors.blogspot.com)

Stori hii ni ya fix tupu 

BABA NI WEWE

MUME: Mke wangu, niwe mkweli pamoja na kuwa kwa sasa tuna watoto sita mimi bado nakupenda sana. Na hakuna kitu kitakachoweza kunifanya niache kukupenda, I love you honey. Nina swali moja tu, huyu mtoto wa nne mbona yuko tofauti na hawa wenzie sita, mkorofi, hataki shule yaani tabu tupu? Mke wangu nambie tu kama ana baba tofauti na wenzie, kiukweli halitabadili mapenzi yangu kwako.

MKE:(Huku akipiga magoti) Mume wangu najisikia vibaya naomba unisamehe ni kweli huyo mtoto baba yake ni tofauti na wenzie

MUME: (Machozi yakimlengalenga) Dah mke wangu... baba yake ni nani?

MKE: Baba yake ni wewe.

MTIHANI

WATEKAJI HOI

Eti majamaa wamemteka mtoto... Wakampigia mzazi... Wakamwambia.. tumemteka mtoto wako.. ili uweze kumpata itabidi utoe millioni kumi...

Yule mzee wala hakustuka... Akawauliza.. nashukuru sasa nafahamu mtoto wangu hajapotea bali mmemteka mko naye nyie...

Sasa je mnampa mahali pa kulala??

Majamaaa yakajibu.. ndio tena pazuri tu

Mzee akauliza. Vp mnampa chakula??

Majamaa yakajibu ndio tena kwa muda muafaka....

Mzee akawaambia...

Basi njooni maana kuna wadogo zake wanne muje muwachukue..mana mie hali ngumu kuwahudumia hawa wote ni taabu

JIWE

Siku moja Yesu alikuwa na wanafunzi wake nyikani,baada ya mafundisho marefu na jua kali wanafunzi wake walihisi njaa. 

Yesu alifahamu mawazo yao akasema, 

"Petro kalete jiwe", 

Petro alinyanyuka na baada ya muda alirudi akiwa na jiwe mkononi. Alipompa Yesu akalibariki likawa mkate, akawagawia wanafunzi wake wakala.

 Lakini hawakushiba, hivyo wakaanza kumlaumu Petro,..

"mbona umeleta jiwe dogo?", 

Petro akawajibu,

"me nilijua mwalimu anataka kukalia!".

Siku nyingine tena wakiwa nyikani, baada ya mafundisho marefu na jua kali, wanafunzi walihisi njaa. 

Yesu alifahamu mawazo yao,akasema

"Petro kalete jiwe". 

Basi walinyanyuka wanafunzi kama 6 hivi, wakaleta jiwe kubwa huku wakilibiringisha. 

Walipolifikisha Yesu alilikalia na kuanza kuwafundisha neno!!

NUNUA MAFUTA UPATE URODA (SEX)

Jamaa mmoja alikuwa anaendesha gari mitaa ya mjini kati na kukutana na bango kubwa (tangazo) lililoandikwa 

"Nunua mafuta ya gari yako na pata uroda (sex) bure".

Jamaa kwa kiwewe akakata kulia na kwenda katika kituo cha mafuta alichoelekezwa. Baada ya kujaza mafuta akamuuliza muhudumu 

"vipi kuhusu uroda wa bure?"

bila kuchelewa muhudumu huyo(mwanaume) akampa lundo la tiketi na kumtaka achague moja.

Jamaa akachagua namba 3 na kumpa muhudumu. Muhudumu akaiangalia na kumwambia 

'umekosa, jaribu siku nyingine". 

Kwa muda wa mwezi mzima jamaa akawa anapitia katika kituo hicho cha mafuta na kujaribu bahati yake; hata hivyo hakupata kitu.

Mwisho jamaa akakasirika na kumwambia muhudumu, 

"nyie matapeli sana, mwezi huu kila siku nimekuwa nikija kujaza petrol katika kituo hiki, lakini
sijafanikiwa kupata uroda wa bure...inaelekea nyie ni wasanii tu"

Mhudumu akamwambia 

"sie sio wasanii, inategemea na bahati ya mtu, kama huamini nenda kamuulize mkeo maana yeye mwezi huu tu ameshashinda mara Kumi na mbili !!"