MAMBO YA SOKA

CHECKING FOR BEES

One day a little boy walked up to the chief and said "Am now ready for women." 

The chief said "Before you can have a real women, you must go into the woods and practice on the trees for three days"

The boy said "Ok," and went off into the woods. 

Three days later, he returns and says "Am now ready for women."

The chief says "Pick out any woman you want and take her inside the the house."

The boy picked a women, escorted her into the house and said 

"Take off all your clothes, bend over and grab your ankles." 

The women asked "Why?", 

but the boy told her to just to bend over.

The women bent over, and the boy kicked her in the a**

. "Why the hell did you do that?" she asked.

"Just checking for bees for my safety." replied the boy.

IDIOTS

Teacher: All idiots should stand up.

(After some minutes Ashnaam stood up)

Teacher: So you are an idiot Ashnaam?

Ashnaam: No madam.. I just cant bear u standing alone…

LITO JOHNNY

Little Johnny's father said, "let me see your report card."

Johnny replied, "I don't have it."

"Why not?" His father asked.

"My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

EARTH IS ROUND

The teacher asked Little Ashnaam: "How can you prove the earth is round?"

Little Ashnaam replied: "I can't. Besides, I never said it was."

PERIOD

Teacher:what is a period?

Ken:I dont know but i think it is something bad.

Teacher:and why?

Ken:because when my sister said she had not seen her periods for 5 months,my mum fainted,dad got a heart attack and our driver ran away.

SNORING

A couple has a dog that snores. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.

"Yeah right!" she says. A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring as usual.

The Wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep.

Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring.

The woman is amazed! The next night, the husband comes home late after being out on a date with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him.
So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly it also works on him!

The woman sleeps soundly. The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom.
As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom,

He sees a red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head at the dog and says , 

"I don't know where we were or what we did, but, we got first and second place ."

MATEJA

Mateja fresh wawili walikuatana barabarani, mmoja akamshangaa mwenzie kumuona ana baiskeli nzuri kweli na kwa uteja wao hakuweza kupata jibu jamaa kaipata wapi?

Hivyo akamuuliza,

TEJA 1: duh! Mwana bonge ya baiskeli, umeipata wapi?? Sidhani kama umenunua lazima utakua umepora tu, ngoja wakudake?

TEJA 2: aah mwanangu mwenyeeewee, sijanunua, sijaiba wala nini yaani?

TEJA 1: (kwa mshangao) hee! Sasa umeipata wap??

TEJA 2: nilikua nakatiza kitaa cha beach, akaja mrembo mmoja wa ukweli anaeiendesha…. Akasimama kasha akanicheeki akaitupa baiskeli chini na kuvua nguo zoote.. akajilaza chini ananiambia.. "chukua chochote unachotaka.. hii ndo bahati yako zali la mentali".

TEJA 1: aah bora umechukua hiyo, maana kwa vyovyote nguo zake zisingekutosha

MTIHANI KWA DOKTA

Jamaa ana tatizo kaingia kwa Daktari ikawa kama ifuatavyo,,

Jamaa: Dokta nina tatizo huku sirini,

Daktari : Hebu vua nguo tuone,

Jamaa: sawa navua ila naomba usicheke, pliz dkt usicheke.

Daktari : usijari mimi hii ndo kazi yangu siwezi kumcheka mgonjwa.

Jamaa akavua suruali kuonesha dushelele yake. 

basi dokta kuona ustaarabu ukamshinda akaanza kucheka na akacheka kama dk 3 hadi machozi yakamtoka. 

kwani dushelele ya jamaa ni kadogo kama betri Ya AAA (betri za remote ya king'amuzi). 

Daktari alipomaliza kucheka mazungumzo yakaendelea,,

Daktari : enhee Tatizo ni nini???
Jamaa: IMEVIMBAA toka juzi,

Daktari Akazimia pale pale........

TEAM WORK

KUDAIANA

MCHAGA anamdai MPARE hela. Huku MSAMBAA akishuhudia

MPARE:nimesema sikupi bora nijiue... (kwa ubahili wake mpare akajichoma kisu akafa)

MCHAGA:kiruu umejiua mbee sikubali na kufuata huko huko unipe pesa yangu (kwa kupenda hela mchaga nae
akajichoma kisu ili amfuate)

MSAMBAA:tateee nane nane..yaani hawa wanataka kuninyima uhondo wanaenda kudaiana huko ili nisione,walah sikubali nami najichoma (msambaa kwa umbea tu,na uboya wake nae akajichoma akafa! 

Sasa hapo nani mbulula??

DEFINITIONS

School
A place where Parents pay and children play

Life Insurance
A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich.

Nurse:
A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills.

Marriage
It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters..

Divorce
Future tense of Marriage.

Tears
The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine waterpower.

Lecture
An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"

Conference
The confusion of one human being multiplied by the number present.

Compromise
The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece

Dictionary
A place where success comes before work

Conference Room
A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on

Father
A banker provided by nature

Criminal
A person no different from the rest
...except that he/she got caught


Boss
Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early

Politician
One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after

DOCTOR
A person who holds your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.

Classic
Books, which people praise, but do not read.

Smile
A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office
A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn
The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc.
A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Committee
Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Experience
The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb
An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher
A fool who torments himself during life, to be wise

UWONGO WA SIMU

Mlevi alipanda daladala akiwa anatoka Msasani anaelekea kwake Ubungo, mara simu ya mdada jirani yake ikalia;

MDADA: Hellow, Sweety mambo? Niko kwenye daladala naelekea Kiwalani kwa shangazi kuna msiba ntakutafuta nikifika.

Baada ya muda simu ya mtu mwingine ikalia;

JAMAA: Hello, aise nivumilie hapa niko kwenye basi naelekea Ifakara nikirudi ntakupa mzigo wako. 

Simu ya konda ikalia,

KONDA: Vipi mshikaji, leo noma mwanangu, nimepata zali hapa napiga mzigo niko daladala la Mwenge Kunduchi.

MLEVI: (kwa sauti ya juu) Dereva!! simamisha gari nataka kushuka maana sijui hili gari linelekea wapi..

WATOTO DOT KOMU

OFISI YA MAKUMBUSHO

Jamaa mmoja anapiga simu ofisi ya makumbusho ya Taifa.

"Haloo hapo ni makumbusho ya taifa?

OFISI:Ndio tukusaidie nini?

JAMAA:"Ok, naomba mnikumbushe mwaka juzi saa yangu niliipoteza wapi?"

OFISI:"Pumbavu hiyo siyo kazi yetu"

JAMAA: Sasa makumbusho mnakumbusha nini?"

OFISI: Tunahifadhi mambo ya zamani.

JAMAA:"Ahaa.....kumbe saa yangu mtakuwa nayo!" Nakuja kuichukua sasa hivi.

FESBUK VS REALITY

On facebook:

Name: Deliciouz sweet-hat pretty gal swaggaliciouz

School: Precious blood

College: University of london

Religion: Xtian

Favourite movies: X-men, Italian job, Pursuit for happiness, Avatar. 

In real life:

Name: Trufena Masakhalia Odiloju

School: Omuchikini secondary school

College: Futibwo polytechnic of socks weaving.

Favourite movies: Two rats by haki and popo.

Religion: Omurindizo Mission Group a.k.a O.M.G

WAZAZI WA KISASA

SABU WUFAA

ANAMNYONYESHA

Mlokole mwenye guest alikataa yanki mmoja aliyekuja na mama mtu mzima kupata chumba akisisitiza kuwa guest yake hairuhusu uasherati. 

Yule mama akaja juu na kumwambia Mlokole kuwa yule kijana ni mwanae, basi wakapewa chumba. 

Mlokole akamtuma muhudumu mmoja akachungulie kwenye dirisha la wapangaji hao ili kuona kama kweli ni mtu na mzazi wake. 

Baada ya muda muhudumu akarudi na jibu,

' Mzee kweli wale ni mtu na mtoto wake, nimemuona yule mama anamnyonyesha mwanae'

THE GROOM...

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But, officer," the man began, "I can explain"

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. 

"I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say"

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, 

"Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. 

"I'm the groom."

KIMENUKAAAA

MAMBO YA FAMILY

USIKATE MITI OVYO...OKOA

MAISHA YA SIKU HIZI.....

WHERE IS MY DRINK???

BEWARE.................

FITNESS PROGRAM NOWADAYS

UKIWAHI NA UKICHELEWA SANA KAZINI

HATA HII NI HELMET

USINGIZI MURUA

WELCOME AND HAVE A SEAT....

HAKUNA KOKOSEA...WOTE SAWA

TWENDE MBINGUNI WAJAMENI

DAKTARI WA MENO

THEY ARE BUSY...

One day, the phone rang, and Little Johnny answered.

The Caller: May I speak to your parents?
Little Johnny: They're busy.

The Caller: Oh. Is anybody else there?
Little Johnny: The police.

The Caller: Can I speak to them?
Little Johnny: They're busy.

The Caller: Oh. Is anybody else there?
Little Johnny: The firemen.

The Caller: Can I speak to them?
Little Johnny: They're busy.

The Caller: So let me get this straight -- your parents, the police, and the firemen are there, but they're all busy? What are they doing?

Little Johnny: "Looking for me."

TIKETI TAFADHALI

Maa ENGINEER watatu na WAHASIBU Watatu walikuwa wanasafiri kuelekea mkoani kwa kutumia TRENI , walikuwa wanaelekea mkoa Ambao treni ya TAZARA huishiaa , walipofika stesheni ya kupanda treni  WAHASIBU WATATU wali nunua tiketi kila mmoja na wale MA ENGENEER watatu walichanga pesa na kununua tiketi moja kwa ajili ya safari .

"Hivi kweli watu watatu wanaweza kusafiri kwa tiketi moja " aliuliza MUHASIBU mmoja 

ENGINEER mmoja alimujibu " tafadhali tazama utaona kama huamini MJINI shule kaka " .

Wote walipanda TRENI na kila mmoja ali kaaa katika Siti yake , Lakini Ma ENGENeer wao walizama katika Choo kilicho tazamani na SITi walio Kaa WAHASIBU .

Baada ya MUda Mfupi KONDAKTA alikuja kudai nauli , alichukua tiketi toka kwa wale WAHASIBU na kisha akagonga Mlango wa CHOO " ngo ngo ngo Ticketi tafadhali "

Mara mlango ukafunguka na mkono mmoja ulitoka na kutoa ticketi na konda anaichukua na kusepa zake .
"
WAHASIBU waliona yote yaliyo tendeka palee , walisema ni wazo zuri na lasaidia katika kusave nauli , baada ya majadiliano ya muda mfupi walikubaliana wafanye hivyoo wakiwa wanarudi DAr es laam .

Wakati wakurudi kama kawaida walifika stesheni na kununua tiketi Moja tuuh ya safari ya kurudi , walitoaa machoo baada ya kuona ma ENGENINEER safari hii hawakununua kitu kabisaa ...

"Hivi nyie Mta safiri Vipi , maana Hamna ticketi kabisaa ? " Aliuliza MUHASIBU mmoja hivi kati ya wale Watatu .

"Kijana tafadhali tazama na Utajioneaaa, walipo ingia ndani ya TRENI ma ENGNINEER wote watatu walizama Chooni na WAHASIBU nao wote Walizma CHoo cha Karibu Behewa lililo fuatia ...TRENI hiyoo ilianza SAFARII.

Muda Mfupi Baadae ENGINEER mmoja alichomoka toka chooni na kwenda katika choo kilicho kuwa na WAHASIBU ndani na ku gonga

" Ngoo ngoo ngooo TICKETI TAFADHALII "

VIFAA VYOTE UNAVYO

Wapendanao walienda likizo mkoani MWANZA , waliamua kujipumzisha katika HOTELi ilioyo Kua karibu na ZIWA , MUME alipenda sana Kuvua Samaki wakati MKE yeye Hupendelea Kukaa Chini na Kujisomea Story za NYEMO CHILOGAN ,Hoteli ilikuwa na Boti mojaa kwa ajili ya Wageni wa Hoteli hiyoo kazi yake ilikuwa kuvua na kutaliii Talii Hapo Ziwani.

Siku Moja Asubuhi MUME alienda Ziwanii na Boti Hiyoo Katembeaa tembea Ziwani na kuvuaa Samaki wawili watatu , kisha akarudi Hotelini Hapo , MKE aliamua kupanda BOTI na kuiwasha nakwenda zake ziwani kuangalia Mazingira pembezoni japo hakujuaa wapi aendapo , Mara gaflaa alisimamishwa na ASKARI aliekuwa pembezoni akamuuliza , 

Hebu Paki kwanza Pembeni Hii Boti na usizidi Kwenda Mbalii ....

"kwanza Kabisaa Shikamoo Mama ! waweza niambia Unafanya nini sasa Hivi hapo ulipo ? " 

" nina Soma Kitabu " alimjibu askari huku akimuonesha Kitabu mbele Ya Boti

" Hapo ulipo Upo Unavuaa Samaki Sehemu ambayo huzuiwa Ziwani , ni PRIVATE area , eneo la jeshi la polisi "

"lakini Baba Si unaona Mie Sivui Samaki ! si unaona Mwenyewe , sasa Mie kosa Langu nini?"

" lakini mie nakuona unavifaa vyotee vya kuvulia Samaki kwenye hii BOTI, Kwakweli naomba ushuke twende Kituoni Kwa Taarifaa zaidi na kuna faini Ya kulipia na maelezo ya Boti nishachukuaa "

" Ukifanya Hivyoo kaka Yangu nitafungua Kesi kuwa ULINIBAKA Katika Boti " alisema Mwanamke huyoo

" Hee wewe mie Hata kukugusa sijakugusaaa " alisemaaa Askari huyoo wa Usalama

" Hiyoo ni kweli Kabisaa ASKARI .....Lakini Si vifaa Vyote Vya Kunibaka Unavyoo ??? " 

MIZINGUO YA DADA KIBOGA

MASANJA: niaje mrembo?

DA KIBOGA: we unaona aje? 

MASANJA: nacheki umeiva ile sirias yaani...

DA KIBOGA: sasa juu ya hiyo unatakaje?

MASANJA: mmmmh... mi nataka tu tuwe mabeshte....

DA KIBOGA: kwani sahizi tupo kama maadui?

MASANJA: hahaha... sio hivyo, yaani, i mean tuwe closer than before...

DA KIBOGA: kwani sahizi tuko opener than before?

MASANJA: hehehe.. dah... si maanishi hivyo, i mean, nataka tuwe tunatembeleana... si unajua

DA KIBOGA: ati tunatembeleana? sasa kama viatu yako vina uchafu, ukinitembelea utanichafulia nguo... na kwanza ulivyo mzito, ukinitembelea nitavunjika na nipelekwe hospitali?

MASANJA: ai wewe... simaanishi hivyo, namaanisha tuwe tunaonana every now and then....

DA KIBOGA: sawa basi... ntakuletea picha yangu na wewe uniletee yako na uwe unaangalia yangu na mimi ntakua naangalia yako ... sawa?

MASANJA: yaani mimi ndo unanichezea akili hivyo kama mtoto? ...

DA KIBOGA: nimeichezea aje? si unaniona hapa? kwani nimeingia kwa kichwa chako?

MASANJA: acha hata niende... naona hatusaidiani.

DA KIBOGA: ulikua unataka tusaidiane kwani uliskia mimi ni member wa red cross au UN?

INSIDE OR OUTSIDE

Mr inside lives with Mrs outside.

Inside went outside leaving outside inside.

Outside standing inside called inside to come inside.

But inside staying outside called outside to come outside.

so outside came outside and inside went outside.

oh, no where is ur mind now? Inside or outside?

JIPIMIE SPIDI

MABANGO YA KISASA

MMH NDO URAFIKI HUU AU??

FROM WHICH HOLE???

Three Men,A Philosopher,A Mathematician And An Idiot,Were Out Riding In The Car When It Crashed Into A Tree.

Before Anyone Knows It,The Three Men Found Themselves Standing Before The Pearly Gates Of Heaven,Where St.Peter And The Devil Were Standing Nearby.“Gentlemen,” The Devil Started,“Due To The Fact That Heaven Is Now Overcrowded,Therefore St.Peter Has Agreed To Limit The Number Of People Entering Heaven.If Anyone Of You Can Ask Me A Question Which I Don’t Know Or Cannot Answer,Then You’re Worthy Enough To Go To Heaven;If Not,Then You’ll Come With Me To Hell.”

The Philosopher Then Stepped Up,“OK,Give Me The Most Comprehensive Report On Socrates’ Teachings.”

With A Snap Of His Finger,A Stack Of Paper Appeared Next To The Devil.The Philosopher Read It And Concluded It Was Correct.

“Then,Go To Hell!” With Another Snap Of His Finger,The Philosopher Disappeared.

The Mathematician Then Asked,“Give Me The Most Complicated Formula You Can Ever Think Of!”

With A Snap Of His Finger,Another Stack Of Paper Appeared Next To The Devil.The Mathematician Read It And Reluctantly Agreed It Was Correct.

“Then, Go To Hell!” With Another Snap Of His Finger,The Mathematician Disappeared,Too.

Then,The Idiot Then Stepped Forward And Said,“Bring Me A Chair!”

The Devil Brought Forward A Chair.

“Drill 7 Holes On The Seat.” Said The Idiot.

The Devil Did Just That.

The Idiot Then Sat On The Chair And Let Out A Very Loud Fart.

Standing Up,He Asked,“Which Hole Did My Fart Come Out From?”

The Devil Inspected The Seat And Said,“The Third Hole From The Right.”

“Wrong,” Said The Idiot,“It’s From My Asshole.”

And The Idiot Went To Heaven.

A DRILL

Although this married couple enjoyed their luxury fishing boat together, it was the husband who was always behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency. So one day out on the lake he suddenly said to his wife,

"Ok honey, this is a drill. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore."

She was initially surprised and flustered, but she soon settled down and was able to safely drive the boat to shore.

Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him, grabbed the remote control, switched the channel, and said to him,

"OK honey, this is a drill. Pretend I'm having a heart attack. You must set the table, cook dinner, and wash the dishes."

WHAT WILL YOU DO??

A man was approached by a co-worker at lunch who invited him out for a few beers after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it, that she did not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work.

The co-worker suggested a way to overcome that problem:

"When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys."

So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself.

Late that night, he sneaked into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex.

She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he had to take a leak, so he got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom.

When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on the john.

"How did you get in here?" he asked.

"Shhhhh!!!" she replied, "you'll wake-up my mother!"