VICHAA KIBOKO MUONE HUYU

Katika hospitali ya vichaa muuguzi alikuwa akiongea na kichaa.

Muuguzi: unaandika nini?

Kichaa: Barua

Muuguzi: unamuandikia nani?

Kichaa: najiandikia mwenyewe

Muuguzi: umeandikaje?

Kichaa: sasa nitajuaje wakati barua bado haijanifikia?

WAKUTANA NA ERRORS IZO KWA KOMPYUTA

SHULE NGUMU

Father:   Why did you fail your mathematics test?
Son: On Monday, teacher said  3+5=8
Father: So?
Son: On Tuesday, she said 4+4=8 And on Wednesday, she said 6+2=8.
If she can't make up her mind, how do I  know the right  answer?

HAYA MLIOAJIRIWA.....

MAMBO YA JUMATATU

KALI YA CHACHI

Kanisani leo wakati wa ibada binti wa pastor,mwenye umri wa miaka 15 alisimama akaanza kutoa  ushuhuda,akasema

"Halleluyah....Bwana asifiwe,nina furaha sana siku ya leo kwani mungu kanisaidia,nilikuwa na ugonjwa wa kutokwa na damu sehemu zangu za siri kila mwezi uliokuwa ukinipa maumivu sana.Lakini tangu nianze kuenda kwa maombi na mafundisho ya neno la mungu nyumbani kwa mwalimu wa sunday school huu ni mwezi wa
tatu sasa ugonjwa huo umeisha...pigeni makofi!!""
.
.
Watu Mmmh...!

UBUNIFU WA UKWEEEEELI...!!

UJANJA WA UKWELI

Dogo mmoja alipata nafasi ya kufanya Field katika kampuni moja sana kubwa hapa nchini. 


siku moja akiwa anaendelea na kazi... akapiga simu jikoni nakuanza kufoka..


"we mpuuzi yaani mda wote huo mi nimekaa apa nasubiri chai tu na hujaleta hadi sasa hivi.....nyambafu"


Upande wa pili ukajibu kwa hasira


"wee mpumbavu nini, unajua unaongea na nani??"


dogo akashtuka... (kucheki kapiga wrong extension number).... akajibu 


"sijui"


upande wa pili ukajibu


"unaongea na Managing Director wa kampuni hapa...shenz mkubwa wewe."


dogo akaona duh sasa huo msala, akajikakamua na yeye akajibu kwa kufoka


"na wewe unajua unaongea na nani??"


Upande wa pili ukajibu


"sijui"


dogo akashusha pumzi na kusema 


"duh afadhali....asante Mungu"


akakata simu.

LUGHA GONGANA

These are some dialogs said by teachers and professors who are not so good at ENGLISH.


our class teacher once said :

" pick up the paper and fall in the dustbin!!!"

 ************ ********* ********* ********* ****

once our hindi teacher said...."i'm going out of the world to america..".. ..lol...

************ ********* ********* ********* ****


"..DON'T TRY TO TALK IN FRONT OF MY BACK.."

************ ********* ********* ********* ****

dont..laugh at the back benches...otherwise teeth and all will be fallen down.....

************ ********* ********* ********* ****

it was very hot in the afternoon when the teacher entered.. tried to switch the fan on but there was sum problem. and then she said
" why is fan not oning" (ing form of on)

************ ********* ********* ********* ****

teacher in a furious mood...
write down ur name and father of ur name!!

************ ********* ********* ********* ****


"shhh... quiet... the principal is revolving around college"

************ ********* ********* ********* ****

"half of u go to the right, half of u go to the left n the remaining come behind me"......

************ ********* ********* ********* ****

My manager started like this
"Hi, I am Madhu, Married with two kids"


************ ********* ********* ********* ****

"I'll illustrate what i have in my mind" said the professor and erased the board

************ ********* ********* ********* ****

"will u hang that calendar or else I’ll HANG MYSELF"

************ ********* ********* ********* ****

LIBRARIAN SCOLDE ,

" IF U WILL TALK AGAIN , I WILL KNEEL DOWN OUTSIDE"

************ ********* ********* ********* ****

our chemistry HOD comes and tells us...
"My aim is to study my son and marry my daughter"

************ ********* ********* ********* ****

tomorrow call your parents especially mother and father

************ ********* ********* ********* ****

"why are you looking at the monkeys outside when i am in the class?!"

************ ********* ********* ********* ****

our lab assistant said this when my frnd wrote wrong code..

"i understand. u understand.computer how understand??

************ ********* ********* ********* **** 

WATOTO WANAWAZAJE???

NGOJA TUSIKILIZE MUZIKI....

HUU NI BONGE YA MKWARA LAZIMA UKAE PEMBENI

ANAHITAJIKA FUNDI UMEME AREKEBISHE

KINGREZA KIGUMU AISEEE DUUUH....

think English is easy???

Read to the end . .. . a new twist  
 

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.


2) The farm was used to produce produce .


3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.


4) We must polish the Polish  furniture.


5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row .

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

WATOTO NI NOOOMA....

ASIYEKUBALI KUSHINDWA.......

MAPENZI YA SASA.....

JAMAA:"Mpenzi wangu najua mimi sina pesa wala magari wala majumba ya kifahari kama rafiki yangu John lakini mi nakupenda kwa dhati na moyo wangu wote."

DEM:(akiongea kwa sauti ya mapenzi) "Kama wanipenda kweli darling nitambulishe kwa rafiki yako John."

KAMA HUKUZOEA UTOTONI NI TAAAABU.....

JAMAA NDO KATOROKA GEREZANI.... ONA KINACHOMKUTA APO APO..

BABU NA MJUKUU WAKE......

Babu na mjukuu.

BABU: We Joti ingia ndani ujifiche mwalimu wako anapita... na leo hujaenda shule..!!!

MJUKUU:Mimi tena nkajifiche??!!

Kajifiche wewe mana nimeomba ruhusa kuwa umekufa nimekuja mcbani..


BABU HOIIII...

NA PUMZI NDIO YAKATIKA IVOO......

SIJUI NINI KILITOKEA.......

UKITAKA KUWAWEZA MATRAFIKI ETII....

Jamaa kasimamishwa na trafiki yuko hai spidi mwanawani. Sasa ona maongezi:

Trafiki: Unajua kuendesha kasi kiasi hicho ni kosa la jinai?

Jamaa: Najua lakini wala sijali, kwani we unatakaje?

Trafiki: Khaa, hebu nipe kadi yako ya gari.

Jamaa: Kadi sina, kwanza hili gari nimeliiba muda is mrefu.

Trafiki: Unasema?! Kwa hiyo wewe ni jambazi na inaelekea unatumia silaha!

Jamaa: Sio silaha nyingi, Shoti Gani, AK47, risasi mia 300 na mabomu machache ya kutupa kwa mkono. Pia nina kiroba cha bangi.

Trafiki: Leo umekwenda na maji mwanaharamu wewe. Fungua buti la gari nikague.

Jamaa: Sitaki, kuna vichwa 20 ya watu kwenye buti kwa ajili ya kutoa sadaka. Na kuna watu wawili nimewaua naenda kuwatupa, pia wako humo kwenye buti.

Trafiki: Mungu wangu!!!!!! Hai spidi, gari umeiba, unamiliki silaha, muuaji, leo ndo mwisho wako.

Afande kakamata simu kampigia Ze Bigi Bosi Kova mwanawane. Ngrriiiiiiiiiiiiiii. Afande nimekamata jambazi sugu ana vichwa 20 vya binadamu, kaiba gari, kaua, ana silaha na madawa ya kulevya.

Mwanawane madifenda hayo na Kova ndani vyuuuuuupu eneo la tukio.

Kova: Fungua buti usachiwe.

Jamaa akafungua. Kova: Mbona hamna vichwa wala hamna hao watu, wala madawa?

Jamaa: Afande Kova, mimi hata nashindwa kuelewa askari wetu siku hizi wamekuwaje. Hapo nahisi atakuwa pia amekudanganya kwamba nina silaha na nilikuwa hai spidi. Ndo kawaida kutubambikia.!

Mwanawane, jamaa huyooooooo akaachiwa asepe zake!

MAMBO YA KIPAPAA....

Mwanawane hebu jimuvuzishe macho na iyo suruali yake..na mahali alipoivalia c mchezo…mpaka ikawa haina haja ya kuvaa shati tena mana kitu imefunika fullu!!!

Papaa Kasule

Mnao vaa kipaa huyu jamaa toka Uganda ni zaidi. Mwanamuziki wa bendi ya Afrigo toka Uganda, Said Kasule akiwa jukwaani na kivazi cha aina yake wakati wakisindikiza uzinduzi wa Albam ya Kicheko ya Msondo Ngoma Music.

HUYU BIBI FULL AKILI

Kuna bibi mmoja alienda benk kufungua account lakini alivyofika benk akawa anataka aonane na manager kwanza....

Customer service wakamzuia wakidai boss yupo busy hataki kuonana na mtu kwa muda ule... Wakati mzozo unaendelea manager akatoka ofisin kwake, akamwita yule bibi amsaidie shida yake...

Bibi akaenda ofisini na manager, maongez yakawa hv..
.
MANAGER: "UnashIda gani bibi!?!"

BIBI: "Nataka kufungua account, niweke milion 30 zangu..."

MANAGER: "Mmmh!! Mbona unaonekana mzee sana, pesa zote umezitoa wap?!?

BIBI: "Nimezipata kwenye mchezo wa KUPINGA, hata wewe ukitaka tunaweza pinga tu!!!"

MANAGER: "Mmh, tunapingaje?!?"

BIBI: "Aaah, rahisi sana, mim naweka hizo milion 30 na wewe weka hizo hizo, mpaka kesho sa nne asubuh sehem zako za siri zitakua ngumu sana kama mawe... Zisipokua hivyo umenila zikiwa nimekula wewe..."

MANAGER: "Mmmh, sawa hamna shida...." 

Kesho yake asubuhi saa nne yule bibi alikuja na mzee mwingine pale benk...

Manager alivyomuona bibi akamwambia, 


"Bibi umeliwa!! Sehem zangu za siri zipo kama kawaida ..."

BIBI: "Sawa mjukuu wangu, sasa mimi nitaaminije bila kuzishika..?!?"

MANAGER: "Njoo tu uhakikishe bibi..."

Bibi akaenda akaanza kumshika yule manager nyeti zake... Wakati anamshika vile yule mzee aliekuja nae akawa ameshika kichwa huku anatukana tukana na machozi yakimlenga....

Manager akamuuliza bibi, "Vipi mbona yule mzee uliyekuja nae kawa vile....?!?"

Bibi akamjibu, 


"Aaah, yule nilipinga nae kwa milion 90 kuwa naweza kumshika manager wa benk sehemu zake za siri akabisha ndo nikapinga nae... So ndo kashaliwa pale.... anabwabwaja tu."

ALIONGEZWA MSHAHARA WE CHEKI ILIKUAJE??

Da Kiboga ambaye ni  house girl aliomba aongezwe mshahara.

mama mwenye nyumba akasikitika sana kwa kitendo hicho mana hakuamini kwa jinsi alivyomlea Kiboga na kumpenda kama mtoto wake itatokea siku atasema hivyo. hivyo ikabidi amuulize.

Mama: sasa Kiboga, ni kwanini unasema hivyo wataka uongezewe mshahara, kwa sababu zipi za msingi??

Kiboga: mama, kwa kweli nina sababu tatu 3 za msingi kwanini ninahitaji uniongeze mshahara.

"kwanza, mimi naweza kunyoosha nguo zaidi yako?"

Madam: "eeeh! na ni nani kakwambia hivo??"

Kiboga: Baba kasema hivyo

apo mama akawa mdogo akaitikia tu

Kiboga: "Pili, naweza kupiga zaidi yako"

Mama: "sasa Kiboga naona unaleta upuuzi, nani kakudanganya unaweza kupika zaidi yangu nami ndio nimekufundisha??"

Kiboga: "baba huyo kasema"

dah apo mama akazidi kuwa mdogo, akauliza

"ya tatu je?"

Kiboga: " mi ni zaidi yako kwenye mapenzi pia"

apo mama akili ikamruka uwiiiii...kwa unyoonge kabisa..!!

Mama: "na hiyo ni baba amesema??"

Kiboga: "hapana mama sio baba, dereva ndio kaniambia hivyo"

NAKWAMBIA DA KIBOGA ALIPEWA ONGEZO LA MSHAHARA KULIKO HATA ALIVOTEGEMEA.....

PATA PICHA WANYAMA WAKIREVENGE

hizi ndio revenge za ukweli........

HII IMETOKEA LEO MAHAKAMANI

"It was just a simple misunderstanding, your Honor," testified
the man charged with indecent exposure.

"Explain that statement!" demanded the Judge.

"Well, you see, this girl and I were drinking in a bar and she
asked me what I wanted most in a woman -- so I showed her.

MIKSCHA KUVUNJA MBAVU

Period
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.

When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.
Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.

"It's a period" reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period."

"Damned if I know" said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."

**

**

**

**

**

**

**

"Two Guys, ? Brains?"

Two friends rented a boat and fished in a lake every day. One day they caught 30 fish. One guy said to his friend, "Mark this spot so that we can come back here again tomorrow."
  The next day, when they were driving to rent the boat, the same guy asked his friend, "Did you mark that spot?"
  His friend replied, "Yeah, I put a big 'X' on the bottom of the boat." The first one said, "You stupid fool! What if we don't get that same boat today!?!?"

**

**

**

**

**

**

Teacher:  Johnny, if your father earned $100.00
and gave half of it to your mother, what would she have?
Little Johnny:  A heart attack!

**

**

**

DIFFERENCE

Difference

A newly joined trainee engineer asks his boss "what is the meaning of appraisal?"

Boss: "Do you know the meaning of resignation? "

Trainee: "Yes I do"

Boss: "So let me make you understand what a appraisal is by comparing it with resignation"

Comparison study : Appraisal and Resignation

**********
In appraisal meeting they will speak only about your weakness, errors and failures.     

In resignation meeting they will speak only about your strengths, past achievements and success.

**********
In appraisal you may need to cry and beg for even 10% hike.    

In resignation you can easily demand (or get even without asking) more than 50-60% hike.

**********

During appraisal, they will deny promotion saying you didn't meet the expectation,

you don't have leadership qualities, and you had several drawbacks in our objective/goal.     

During resignation, they will say you are the core member of team;

you are the vision of the company how can you go,

you have to take the project in shoulder and lead your juniors to success.

**********

There is 90% chance for not getting any significant incentives after appraisal.    

There is 90% chance of getting immediate hike after you put the resignation.

**********

Trainee: "Yes boss enough, now I understood my future. For an appraisal I will have to resign ... !!!"

**********

BADO MDOGO KWAKO

DAWA YA HAWA MGAMBO WA SITE

SWAUMU NOMA

Huyu jamaa alidakwa akipiga sala siku hiyo baada ya swaumu kumgonga ile mbaya..... cha ajabu ni kwamba huko nyumbani hawapiki kabisa mchana na hajapewa hela ya kula kwahiyo inambidi asile siku nzima ili afunge na binafsi yake sifa za kijinga anataka aonekane kafunga.. na akawa hana jinsi ndio akasikika akipiga hii sala


"eeeh, Mungu naomba huu mwezi wa ramadhani uwe kama ilivyo mashindano ya Kombe la dunia..yaani uwe unafanyika kila baada ya miaka minne (4) na kila ikifanyika iwe katika nchi tofauti""

FESIBUKU IMEHARIBU MAPENZI...

THE FACEBOOK LOVE

GAL:I dont really trust you!

GUY:But why? ... I do everything for you ... I take you out ... I shop for you ...

GAL:Yeah ... But thats not enough!

GUY:Come on girl.. I think I did enough for you ... What else do you want me to do?

GAL:I want you to be posting on my fb wall about how much you love me, tag me all the love photos that you come across and also, upload my pic and tell your fb friends that am your girl.

GUY:Okay ... I will try...

GAL:Its either you do it or I bounce off. I dont believe in trials as you suggest.

GUY:What if am not online or maybe am too busy to log in?

GAL:Thats why I said that you should give me your password so that I can do all those things by myself when you are not online.

MADOGO WANAWAZA MBALI

Teacher: What doyou want to become?

Little Johnny: Doctor !! 

Teacher: Why?

Little Johnny: Coz its the only profession where u can tell a woman to take off her clothes and ask her husband to pay for it.

NAKED LADY

Boy 1: Why do you run from a naked lady?

Boy 2: Becos my mum said that if I look at a naked lady, I'll turn into stone. A part of me is getting hard already!

Questions and Answers by Bongoz Masterminds

Questions and Answers by Bongoz Masterminds

Q.How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
A. Concrete floors are very hard to crack!

Q.If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
A. No time at all it is already built.

Q.If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have?
A. Very large hands.(Good one)

Q. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
A. It is not a problem, since you will never find an elephant with one hand.

Q. How can a man go eight days without sleep?
A. No Probs, He sleeps at night.

Q. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
A. It will Wet or Sink as simple as that.

Q. What looks like half apple?
A : The other half.

Q. What can you never eat for breakfast?
A : Dinner.

Q. What happened when wheel was invented?
A : It caused a revolution.

Q. Amazon river is in which state?
A : Liquid

WABONGO NOOMA KILA KONA TUNAHARIBU

A man dies and goes to hell.

There he finds that there is a different hell for each country.

He goes to the German hell and asks, "What do they do here?"

He told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour.

Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.

Then the German devil comes in and beats you for the rest of the day."

The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on.

He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more.

He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.

Then he comes to the Tanzanian hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in.

Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?"

He told, "First they put you  in an electric chair for an hour.

Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.

Then the TaNzanian devil comes in and beats you for the rest of the day.

"But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in?"

*

*

*

*

*

*
*
*

Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work,

someone has stolen all the nails from the bed

and

the devil is a former Government  servant,

so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the canteen!!!!! !

UBAYA WA TEKNOLOJIA

UMENIIBIA

Joti kaenda dukani (aliponunua redio siku mbili zilizopita) akilalamika... muuzaji alikua Masanja


Joti: aaah ndugu yangu hata sijategema ungeniibia....?? yaani siamini!!


Masanja:  (akamkumbuka alimuuzia redio siku 2 zilizopita) kukuibia tena ndugu yangu?? hapana mi siwezi kufanya ivo!!


Joti: ndio tena usijifanye huelewi naongea nini?


Masanja: hapana ndugu yangu mi hii ndio biashara yangu na kipato changu nategemea hapa kwahiyo siwezi kufanya uhuni namna hiyo.... mbona nimekuuzia redio safi sana tena jenuini??


Joti: hakuna sio jenuini.......mi nimeisoma mwenyewe redio imeandikwa Made in Japan mbona kila nikisikiliza inasema "Unasikiliza Redio Tanzania"


Masanja na baadhi ya wateja hoi kwa kicheko....

ALL THE SAME

A Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night

and

he saw Steven Spielberg.

As he was a great fan of his movies,

he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.

Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says,

"You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Habour, get outta here."

The astonished Chinese man replied,

"It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbour,

it was the Japanese".

"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.

In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says,

"You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship."

Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."

The Chinese replies,

"Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."