Wednesday, June 11, 2014

MLEVI NOMA

Mlevi alianguka watu wakajaa kila mmoja akatoa wazo lake:-

Mmwagieni maji kichwani,


Mpepeeni amekosa hewa huyo!,


Dogo mmoja akasema:- 


"Njaa inamsumbua huyo, mchukulieni nusu kuku na castle baridi."

Mlevi akanyanyua kichwa taratibu nakusema:- 


"Msikilizeni vizuri dogo" 

Kisha akalala tena!! 

Thursday, June 5, 2014

HOW LONG.....

An American was visiting Tanzania for the first time, so he boarded a taxi from the airport to his hotel, Andunje happened to be the taxi driver,

on the way the American saw a beautiful building and asked Andunje, 

"how long did it take to build such beautiful building", 

Andunje was proud of his country and said 6 years,

 the American replied 


"nonsense, in my country it will take 6 months to build same building".

They passed by another huge building, the american asked again, 


"how many years did it take to build the house", 


Andunje replied 


"2 years", 

to his shock again the american said,

"rubbish, it takes just 2 months to build same building in my country".


They finally passed the Twin Towers in town, and the american was amazed, 

he asked how long did it take to build such magnificent structures, 

Andunje just looked at him and said 

"which structure, I don't know and im surprised! coz when I passed here this morning, the buildings weren't there".

DIFFERENCE

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

WHAT IS PERIOD??

Teacher: Andunje, what is a Period?
Andunje: I don't know the meaning Sir. But I am very sure it is very dangerous.
Teacher: Why Andunje?
Andunje: because when my sister said that she didn’t see her period for 5months,
-my mum fainted,
-my dad got a heart attack and
-our driver ran away….
So I don’t think Period is a good thing

STUPID

DOGO: Eti baba mtu stupid yuko je? 


DADDY: Hilo ni swali zuri sana, a very good kweshen kwa kweli I am praud of you,ni wazi kuwa kuna kila sababu ya kukiri kuwa elimu unayopata inaendana na mtizamo mzima wa big results now, you see mwanangu, mtu stupid ni yule ambaye akiulizwa just a simpo kweshen, yaani swali dogo sana basi huanza kulinyumbulisha na kuongeza mofimu na fonimu katika hilo swali, kuanza kutafuta, tena infact bila mantiki yoyote wala kufuata basis ya swali, na baada ya hapo kufanya mchanganuo usio na mashiko yoyote na hatimae kukam up na solushenz ambazo in prinsipo hazikuweko katika swali husika kiasi cha kwamba aliyeuliza swali anakuwa haelewi hata kitu, umeelewa 


DOGO: Hapana


NANI BABA

Mtu na mkewe walienda hospitali ili mke aweze kujifungua mtoto. 

Walipofika daktari akawaambia ametengeneza mashine ambayo ina uwezo wa kuhamisha kiasi cha maumivu ya kuijfungua kutoka kwa mama kwenda kwa baba wa mtoto. 


Basi jamaa kusikia hivyo akaomba kiasi cha maumivu ya uzazi kihamishwe kutoka kwa mkewe kwenda kwake. Dokta akakubali ili akamuonya jamaa kwamba maumivu ni makali kuliko maumivu ya aina yoyote ile ambayo amewahi kuyapata. 


Jamaa akakubali. 


Basi dokta akaenda kwenye mashine akabonyeza 90% ya maumivu kwa mama, 10% kwa baba. 


Huku harakati za mama kujifungua mtoto zikiendelea jamaa akamwambia dokta: 


najiskia niko fiti kabisa endelea kunihamishia hayo maumivu toka kwa mke wangu. 


Dokta akaenda kwenye mashine akaongeza maumivu kwenda kwa baba hadi 20%. 


Jamaa bado akawa anajiskia vizuri tu.


 Dokta ikambidi ampime presha na mapigo ya moyo akaona kweli jamaa bado yuko fiti. Dokta akashangaa sana. 


Kwa kuwa zoezi la kuhamisha maumivu toka kwa mama kwenda kwa baba lilikuwa linampa sana unafuu mama aliyekuwa anajifungua, mume mtu akamshauri dokta amuhamishie maumivu yote yeye. 


Dokta akaenda kwenye mashine akakandamiza maumivu 100% yaenda kwa mwanaume na jamaa akawa bado yuko sawa kabisa.

Basi mama akajifungua mtoto mzuri tu wa kiume na jamaa na mkewe pamoja na baby boy wao wakarudi nyumbani. Ile kufika tu home wakamkuta house boy kaanguka getini kadedi kitambo


HII NDO DAWA...!!

UTAMFANYEJE


NDO USHAMSAIDIA HALAFU UTAMKUTA HIVI


BY MKANDAMIZAJI

MUNGU ANASEMAJE??

MWALIMU Kasinzia darasani , DOGO kamfuata na kumwambia Teacher mbona umetupa zoezi tufanye alafu unasinzia ?? 

[MWALIMU:] ''hapana mimi sijalala !"

[DOGO]: ''kwani hapa ulikuwa unafanya nini mda huu ? mimi nimekuona umelala''

[MWALIMU:] ''nilikuwa naongea na MUNGU!''

KESHO YAKE

DOGO kasinzia Darasana wakati kipindi linaendelea. MWALIMU akamuamsha
"DOGO, Yani unathubutu kusinzia kwenye kipindi changu?"

[DOGO:] "Hapana mwalimu sijasinzia!"

[MWALIMU:] " Enhee Tuambie Basi ulikuwa unafanya nini ? maana darasa zima limekuona"

[DOGO: ] "nilikuwa naongea na MUNGU na mimi Pia "

MWALIMU Kwa Hasira huku akipiga kelele , " Enhe Hebu Tuambie MUNGU wako Amesemaje ???!?!" maana naona watu mnatafuta Viboko Asubuhi Asubuhi.

[DOGO:] "MUNGU Kasema Hakuongea na wewe Hapo Jana !"


TALKING DOG

A guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.


"You talk?" he asks.


"Sure do." the dog replies.


"So, what's your story?" 


The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running."

"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals."


"Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."


The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.


The owner says, "Ten dollars."


The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"


"Cause he's a liar. He didn't do any of that shit!"

IF ONLY