MONDAY AENDA KUOMBA USHAURI

AENDE APEWE KICHAPO??

Siku moja mwalimu wa dini alikuwa anafundisha wanafunzi wa darasa la 1,akauliza,"Wangapi wanataka kwenda mbinguni?"

Darasa zima wakanyosha mikono,kasoro mwanafunzi mmoja tu!

Mwalimu akamuuliza,"Wewe hutaki kwenda mbinguni?"

Dogo akajibu hataki.

Mwalimu akamuuliza,"kwanini."

Dogo akajibu,

"Mama ameniambia nikitoka shule nisipite popote! Niende moja kwa moja nyumbani!!"

VIOJA VYA DENTI

Mwanafunzi mmoja alichelewa kufika shule:

Mwalimu:"Kwanini umechelewa?"

Mwanafunzi:"Kuna mzee alipoteza elfu moja njiani."

Mwalimu:"Kwa hio ulikuwa unamsaidia kutafuta ?"

Mwanafunzi:"Hapana,nilikuwa nimeikanyaga...nasubiri aondoke niiokote!"

FUNDI WA UKWELI

LUGHA ZETU

SIO LAZIMA IWE...NYIE VIP??

BABA NA MTOTO WAPO MEZANI WANAKULA..

BABA NA MTOTO WAPO MEZANI WANAKULA..

MTOTO.."Baba ona hii"

BABA..."Kimya,nimekwambia hakuna kuongea wakati wa kula..

BAADA YA KUMALIZA KULA..

BABA..."Haya niambie,ulikuwa unasemaje..?

MTOTO..."Nilitaka kukwambia kuwa kuna mende kwenye chakula chako"..

MAMBO YA EID

Machizi watatu waliamua kuenda picnic milimani wapate view nzuri ya jiji, ili washerehekee pia na sikukuu hii ya Eid.

Ilipofika wakati wa kula wakatandika mkeka wao chini na kuweka misosi kwenye mkeka,hapo ndipo wakagundua wamesahau opener ya soda.

Wakakubaliana mmoja wao ashuke mlima, arudi nyumbani akachukue opener.

Yule aliyetumwa akasema,"Msije mkaanza kula wakati mi sipo!"

Wenziwe waka ahidi watamsubiri.

Basi akaondoka.

Ikapita saa ya kwanza jamaa hajarudi.

Saa ya pili kimya!

Saa ya tatu ikawa bado hajarudi, wenziwe wakajiuliza mbona nyumbani sio mbali hivo yaani mpaka sasa hajarudi,

wakaendelea kungoja huku njaa zikizidi kuwauma, lakini walivumilia, lisaa la nne likapita mpaka la tano na hapo giza likawa limeanza kuingia. 

wakaamua wafungue chakula waanze kula.

Walipoanza kula tu, yule chizi aliyetumwa akajitokeza, (alikuwa kajificha nyuma ya kichaka) akasema,

"Pumbavu nyie!! Unaona...nilijua tu mnataka kuninyima...haya basi mi siendi sasa!"

WHEELS Of LIFE

HAPO SASA...!!

Jamaa: samahani siwezi tena kukuoa.

Binti: Kwa nini?

Jamaa: Familia yangu haitakubali!

Binti: Familia yako ni kina nani mpaka waingilie penzi letu???!

Jamaa: Mke wangu na watoto wangu watano.

UMEONA HIYO???

UKIKUTANA NA DENTI HUYU......

TEACHER: Why didn’t you study?

STUDENT: A year has 365 days for you to study. After taking away 52 Sundays, there are only 313 days left. There are 50 days in the summer that is way too hot to work so there are only 263 days left. We sleep 8 hours a day, in a year, that counts up to 122 days so now we're left with 141 days. If we fooled around for only 1 hour a day, 15 days are gone, so we are left with 126 days. We spend 2 hours eating each day, 30 days are used in this way in the year, and we are left with 96 days in our year. We spend 1 hour a day speaking to friends and family, that takes away 15 days more and we are left with 81 days. Exams and tests take up at least 35 days in your year; hence you are only left with 46 days. Taking off approximately 40 days of holidays, you are only left with 6 days. Say you are sick for a minimum of 3 days; you're left with 3 days in the year to study! Let's say you only go out for 2 days... You're left with 1 day. But that 1 day is your birthday.
That's why I did not study!

KUDADADEKI...ANAONGOPA

KUDADADEKI...ANAONGOPA

UMRI HUO HIVYO AKIONGEZEKA KIDOGO JE??

KWA HISANI YA MWANAWANE MKANDAMIZAJI

TEKNOLOJIA

kwa hisani ya mwanawane Mkandamizaji

KIZAZI CHA SASA NOMA

TEACHER:"What will you do when you grow up?"
STUDENT:"Facebooking."

TEACHER:"NO! I mean what will you BECOME?"
STUDENT:"Admin of facebook pages."

TEACHER:"OMG! I MEAN what will you ACHIEVE after you grow up?"
STUDENT:"Facebook admin rights."

TEACHER:"IDIOT! I mean what will you do for your PARENTS?"
STUDENT:"I'll create a page for them on facebook called; I ♥ MUM & DAD."

TEACHER:"Stupid!What do your parents Want from YOU?"
STUDENT:"My facebook password!"

TEACHER:"No,I mean what do they want you to DO?"
STUDENT:"Quit facebook."

TEACHER:"Ooh God! What is the PURPOSE OF YOUR LIFE?"
STUDENT:"Facebook but never face your books"

KITU BLACK......

DOGO HAMNAZO

Ticha katoa assignment madogo wachore mchoro wowote mzuri kwenye karatasi nyeupe. Baada ya dakika 6 dogo mmoja akasimama kumpelekea ticha karatasi kwamba kamaliza. ticha kucheki akaona karatasi nyeupe dogo hajachora kitu. Akamswalika: 

Umechora nini?

Dogo: Sir nimechora ngo'ombe anakula majani.

Ticha: Sasa mbona hakuna majani hapa?

Dogo: Ng'ombe amekula yote sir!

Ticha: Na ng'ombe mwenyewe yuko wapi, mbona hakuna?

Dogo: Majani yalivyoisha na ng'ombe naye akaondoka sir, ndo maana hamna kitu!

MATIBABU.....

A mute was walking down the street one day and chanced upon a friend of his; also a mute.

In sign language, he inquired how his friend had been doing.

The friend replied (vocally!)

"Oh, can that hand-waving shit. I can talk now!"

Intrigued, the mute pressed him for details. Seems he had gone to a specialist, who, seeing no physical damage, had put him on a treatment program that had restored the use of his vocal chords. Gesturing wildly, the mute asked if he might meet this specialist.

They got an appointment that very afternoon. After an exam, the specialist proclaimed that he had found no permanent damage. The mute was essentially in the same condition as his buddy, and that there was no reason why he couldn't be helped as well.

"Yes, yes" signed the mute. "Let's have the first treatment right now!"

"Very well," replied the specialist. "Kindly go into the next room, drop your pants and lean over the examining table. I'll be right in."

The mute does as instructed, and the doctor snuck in carrying a broomstick, a mallet and a jar of Vaseline. Greasing the broom handle, he 'sent it home' with a deft swipe of the mallet.

The mute jumped from the table, screaming,

"AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaa!!!"

"VERY good," smiled the doctor. "Next Tuesday, we work on 'B'."

NANI ATARUDI??

Jamaa watatu walikodi hoteli yenye gorofa 60, wao wakapata gorofa ya mwisho kabisa. Wakapanda kwa lifti na asubuhi wakashuka kwa lifti. Jioni waliporudi wakakuta umeme umekatika.

Wakakubaliana wapande ngazi kwa story. Wa kwanza apige story za kutisha kuanzia gorofa ya 1 mpaka ya 20, wapili apige strory za kuchekesha kuanzia gorofa ya 21-40 na watatu mwanawane akandamize story za kuhuzunisha kuanzia gorofa ya 41-60. 

Walipofika ya 59 yule watatu akasema hii ndio ya kuhuzunisha zaidi...

TUMESAHAU KUCHUKUA FUNGUO PALE RECEPTION.

VIOJA

HAWA JAMAA HAMNAZO......

NGAMIA ZIZINI

A mother and a baby camel were talking one day when the baby camel asked,

"Mom, why do we have these huge three-toed feet?"

The mother replied, "Well son, when we trek across the desert, our toes will help us stay on top of the soft sand."

Two minutes later the young camel asked, "Mom, why do we have these long eyelashes?"

"They are there to keep the sand out of our eyes on the trips through the desert," the mother said.

"Mom, why have we got these great big humps on our back?"

"They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods of time."

"So we have huge feet to stop us from sinking, long eyelashes to keep the sand out of our eyes, and these humps to store water."

"Yes dear," said the mother.

"So why the fuck are we in the Toronto Zoo?"

MATOKEO YA CHUO

bibi mmoja kaenda dukani na mjukuu wake, kufika pale mazungumzo yalikua kama ifuatavyo:

BIBI:"Degree,mpatie huyo muuzaji izo pesa akupe paketi ya maziwa"

MUUZAJI:"Huh! Wee bibi mjukuu wako anaitwa Degree?!"

BIBI:"Ndio"

MUUZAJI:"Kwa nini?"

BIBI:"Kwa sababu nilimpeleka binti yangu chuo kikuu na hiki ndio alichorudi nacho!"

HII NOMA

Padri amekaa katika ki-box cha kuungamisha, kanisani hakuna mtu. Mara muumini mmoja akaingia, akapiga magoti upande wa pili na kufanya ishara ya msalaba akaanza kuungama.
"Padri naungama dhambi zangu, leo nimefanya dhambi kubwa sana"

"Endelea...."

"Bosi wangu aliniita nyumbani kwake akaniambia amegundua nimeiba shilingi milioni 50, akasema nisipotoa maelezo ya kuitisha atanipeleka polisi. Sasa ukweli mimi naogopa kufungwa, nikatazama huku na huku nikagundua tuko wawili peke yetu, nikachomoa bastola nikamuua. Yesu atanisamehe?"

"Utasamehewa..."

"Basi wakati nataka kuondoka nikasikia mlango unafunguliwa, kutazama loh, mke wa bosi. Akaniuliza nimemfanya nini mume wake. Kutazama huku na huku nikagundua tuko wawili peke yetu, nikamuua na yeye. Yesu atanisamehe na hiyo?"

"Utasamehewa..."

"Nikatoka nje, nikawasha gari niondoke lakini mlinzi akakataa kufungua geti akasema amesikia kama kishindo hivi! Nikaona ananiwekea kiwingu. Kutazama huku na huku nikagundua tuko wawili peke yetu nikamuua. Yesu atanisamehe?"

"Utasamehewa...."

"Nikajifungulia geti mwenyewe nikaenda nyumbani, wakati napanga kuja kuungama mtoto wa bosi akabisha hodi nikawaza mambo gani tena. Akasema amerudi nyumbani na kukuta yaloyotokea, lakini akanionyesha diary ya baba yake inayoonesha kuwa nilikuwa na appointment naye kabla hajafa. Nikamuuliza nani mwingine anajua, akasema ameanzia kwangu kisha atakwenda polisi.

Nikatazama huku na huku nikagundua tuko wawili peke yetu nikamuua. Diary nikaichoma moto. Yesu atanisamehe na hilo?"

kimya........

"padri, Yesu atanisamehe kwa hilo?"

kimya.........

Jamaa kutazama kwenye kibox padri hayupo. Lakini kwenye kona moja akaona kabati la ngou za mapadri kama linatikisika. Kufungua akamuona padri kajificha katikati ya majoho anatetemeka.....

"Sasa baba mbona umenikimbia?"

Padri kwa taabu akajibu...

"Nilitazama huku na huku nikagundua kuwa tuko wawili peke yetu........"

NDIO IKO HIVI....

NAWE JARIBU

TUNARUDI TULIKOTOKA...........UKO TAYARI??

WATOTO WA SIKU HIZI