TEJA NA FUNGUO

Teja(mvuta bangi) alipoteza funguo za nyumba yake usiku akawa anatafuta tafuta,


jamaa mmoja akamuona ikabidi amuulize

JAMAA:"Oya kwani umepoteza nini?"

TEJA:"Funguo za home"

JAMAA:"Pole sana.....umepotezea wapi?"

TEJA:"Kuleeee (akionyesha mbali kwenye giza)

JAMAA:"Duh! Sasa kama umezipoteza kule mbona wazitafuta hapa?"

TEJA:"Aaah we mpuuzi nini!! Kwani huoni kule kuna giza nitazipataje? Ndio maana nimekuja kuzitafuta hapa kwenye mwangaza"

CUSTOMER CARE IN FUTURE

Operator : Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your…

Customer : Hello, can I order..

Operator : Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?

Customer : It s eh…, hold………. on……889861356102049998-45-54610

Operator : OK… you’re Mr Singh and you’re calling from 17 Jalan Kayu. Your home number is 4094! 2366, your office 76452302 and your mobile is 0142662566. Which number are you calling from now Sir?

Customer : Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?

Operator : We are connected to the system Sir.

Customer : May I order your Seafood Pizza…

Operator : That’s not a good idea Sir.

Customer : How come?

Operator : According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir

Customer : What?… What do you recommend then?

Operator : Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You’ll like it

Customer : How do you know for sure?

Operator : You borrowed a book entitled Popular Hokkien Dishes from the National Library last week Sir.

Customer : OK I give up… Give me three family size ones then, how much will that cost?

Operator : That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is $49.99!

Customer : Can I pay by! credit card?

Operator : I’m afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you owe your bank $3,720.55 since October last year. That’s not including the late payment charges on your housing loan, Sir.

Customer : I guess I have to run to the neighborhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives.

Operator : You can’t Sir. Based on the records, you’ve reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today

Customer : Never mind just send the pizzas, I’ll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?

Operator : About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can t wait you can always come and collect it on your motorcycle…

Customer : What!

Operator : According to the details in system ,you own a Scooter,…registration number 1123…

Operator : Is there anything else Sir?

Customer : Nothing.! .. by the way… aren’t you giving me that 3 free bottles of cola as advertised?

Operator : We normally would Sir, but based on your records you’re also diabetic…….

Customer : #$$^%&$@$%^

Operator : Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987 you were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman…?

Customer : Faints!

This happened on TAM airlines.

This happened on TAM airlines.

A 50-something year old white woman arrived at her seat and saw that the passenger next to her was a black man.

Visibly furious, she called the air hostess.

“What’s the problem, ma?” the hostess asked her

“Can’t you see?” the lady said – “I was given a seat next to a black man. I can’t seat here next to him. You have to change my seat”

- “Please, calm down, ma” – said the hostess

“Unfortunately, all the seats are occupied, but I’m still going to check if we have any.”

The hostess left and returned some minutes later.

“Madam, as I told you, there isn’t any empty seat in this class- economy class.

But I spoke to the captain and he confirmed that there isn’t any empty seats in the economy class. We only have seats in the first class.”

And before the woman said anything, the hostess continued

“Look, it is unusual for our company to allow a passenger from the economy class change to the first class.
However, given the circumstances, the commandant thinks that it would be a scandal to make a passenger travel sat next to an unpleasant person.”

And turning to the black man, the hostess said:

“Which means, Sir, if you would be so nice to pack your handbag, we have reserved you a seat in the first class…”

And all the passengers nearby, who were shocked to see the scene started applauding, some standing on their feet.”

I SAID NOT NOW.....

Girl: Dear there’s something i need to talk with you.

Boy: Not today dear, let talk about it someday.

Girl: No we must talk about it now. I can wait for someday, i must talk with you.

Boy: Sorry I can’t.

Girl: You must.

Boy:…..

Guess what he did

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-(let the image load and play)

LITTLE JOHN

Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm. 


He asked his mom, "Where'd we get him?"

His mother replied, "He came from heaven, Johnny."

Johnny says, 


"WOW! I can see why they threw him out!"

NDIO .... LAKINI

LUGHA

WHATS IMPORTANT

MGAHAWA WA UKWELI... ZENJI IYOO..!!

UONGO MWINGINE NI UONGO KWA KWELI

ukweli halisi

MAUZO.....

Englishman, Scottish man and Irishman selling bibles door to door, they have a bet who will sell the most in a day. 

They meet up at end of day and 


Englishman has sold 2, 


Scottish man had sold 3, 


but the Irishman who had a terrible stutter says hhhee hhhee hhhad sssold ssssixty. 


The other two asked how did he do it. 

He said, 


"Wwwhen Iiiii nnnnnnknock aaaat thththe ddddooor I said: 


Do you wwwwwant tto bbbuy a bbbbbible ooooorrr shshshould Iiii jjjust rrrread it tttto yyyyou?"

UJINGA

UJINGA ni kuweka picha ya daktari kwa nyumba yako, ati ndio maumivu yakizidi unamuona daktari. 

UJINGA ni kuenda kwa bank na spanner na pliers ati unaenda kufunguwa account.

UJINGA ni MTU kuenda kwa supermarket na kuuliza nani anauza ?.

EFFECTS OF TEXTING

MNAMKUMBUKA HUYU...???

MAMBO YA PWESA HAYO.....

YOU CANT PLIZ A WOMAN

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: “For Women Only.” Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. 

“We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It’s easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what’s inside.”

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: 

“All the men on this floor are short and plain.” 

The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: 

“All the men here are short and handsome.” 

Still, this isn’t good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: 

“All the men here are tall and plain.”

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: 

“All the men here are tall and handsome.” 

The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: 

“There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman.”

WHY MOBILE PHONE NOT ALLOWED IN CLASS...

LET THE IMAGE LOAD AND PLAYS.....

KILA MMOJA NA NJIA YAKE

TUNAKOELEKEA

MKUBALI ALIVYO..... ONA SASA

EFFECTS OF PETROL PRICE HIKE

Petrol price is hiking up and up and its not getting down. We will soon have to find alternate means of transportation because it will be hard to afford.

Here are some of the alternate means:

ETI BEMBEA...NANI ANATAKA??

ASTE ASTE...MKAREEE

from masanja mwanawani....

I know 9 things about you right now

1. You are reading this.

2. You are human.

3. You can't say the letter"P"without separating your lips...


4. You just attempted to do it...

6. You are laughing at yourself. See ur teeth :D

7. You have a smile on your face, and u skipped No.5

8. You just checked to see if there is a No.5:)

9. You are still smiling:D 


10. You'll steal this now to see who else would fall for it

HATA GUGO HAWAJUI ETI

VITUKO USWAHILINI

Mtoto mmoja mzaliwa town alienda kijijini na baba yake,wakiwa njiani mtoto akaona mavi ya mbuzi,akashangaa na kumuuliza babake

"Baba hiki nini?"

Baba yake akajibu,

"Vidonge vya akili hivyo ukila vinaongeza akili"

Mtoto akachukua akatia mdomoni,baada ya muda kidogo akatema, akamuambia babake

"Baba mbona vinaonja kama choo?" 


Babake akajibu 


"Unaona umeshaanza kuwa na akili"

MASWALI YA KIJINGA NA MAJIBU YAKE....

maswali ya kijinga majibu ya kipuuzi

1. SWALI:"Ni mvua inanyeshe?"

JIBU:"Hapana ni supu yamwagika"

2. SWALI:"Hiyo gazeti ni ya leo?"

JIBU:"Hapana ni gazeti yangu!"

3. MWALIMU MKUU:"Umemuona school captain?"

MWANAFUNZI:"Sikuwa namtafuta!"

4.SWALI:"Unakula?"

JIBU:"Hapana nabusu kijiko"

 5.SWALI:"Unangojea lift uende juu?"

JIBU:"Hapana nangojea ofisi ishuke chini"

6.SWALI:"We ndio wa mwisho kwenye line?"

JIBU:"Hapana mi ndio wa kwanza tumesimama kinyumenyume"

7.SWALI:"Umeamkaje?"

JIBU:"Kwakufungua macho na kutoka kitandani na miguu yangu miwili!"

8.(Mama anauliza mtoto)
SWALI:"Wataka kulia enh?" 


(jirani wake kamjibu)

JIBU:"Labda amechoka na kushoto"

KAIWEKAJE NA KWANINI???

niaje hii...???

teknologi bana

UFAFANUZI PLIZIII

UKWELI MTUPU..... ...

ETI YAKE HIYO????

ADIKSHENI HII....

MMH AMEZIDIWA NINI???

WAONAA..... WAONAAA???

JIONEE MWENYEWE

MAISHA YA SASA

VIPI UNATAKA KUBISHA???

REASONS FOR ACCIDENTS

THIS HAPPENS ALWAYS

PERFECT PERSON

TRUE THIS

PASSING GAS

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. 


The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

The Rope

There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that came down from a helicopter. Ten were men and one woman. The rope was starting to fray so they all agreed that one person should let go because if they didn't, the rope would break and everyone would die. 


No one could decide who should go. 


So finally, the woman gave a real touching speech saying how she would give up her life to save theirs. Because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children, giving in to men, and that after all men were the superior sex and must be saved.

When she finished speaking, all the men clapped.


(KAMA HUJAELEWA THEY CLAPPED AND LET GO OF THE ROPE SO ONLY THE WOMAN WAS SAVED)

MJUKUU KADONDOKA

Jamaa kapita pembeni ya nyumba ya ghorofa moja, si akaangukiwa na condom imetumika. Kwa hasira akaenda kupiga hodi kwenye nyumba ile, akatoka mtu mzima mmoja;

Jamaa: Nauliza nani anaishi hivyo vyumba vya juu?

Mwenye nyumba: We chizi nini inakuhusu nini?

Jamaa: Nauliza tena nani anaishi huko juu?

Mwenyenyumba: Anaishi mwanangu na mkewe

Jamaa: Basi mjukuu wako kanidondokea

KUWA MAKINI

Baba: Unamjua Julius Nyerere? 

Mtoto: Hapana simjui

Baba: Pumbavu sana kuwa makini na masomo yako..

Mtoto: Haya. Na wewe unamjua Hamisi? 

Baba: Hapana Simjui

Mtoto: Pumbavu sana Kuwa makini na Ndoa yako..

CLEVER ONE

UTAMFANYAJE HUYU???

EbU pata picha

mpo kwe basi mnasafiri kutoka mkoa 1 kwenda mwngne, mpo katikati ya safari basi lipo kasi sana..


abiria baadhi wamelala wengne wanaangalia vijiji wanavyovpita njiani..


ghafla abiria 1 uko siti za nyuma anapaza saut..


"ayaaa..mamaaaa uuuwiiiii.."


abiria wote mnashtuka wengine wanaangalia nje dirishan wakizani ajali..


Afu jamaa akamaliza...


"duh nmesahau chaja yangu."

EbU nambie we kama abiria ungemtupia neno gan!

DUH HII KWELI???

ARE YOU HANDSOME??

FAKE

fake hair,

fake eyelashes,

fake boobs,

fake nails ,

fake ass 

and 

u still need a real man 

pliz u shud get one with a tag MADE IN CHINA