KUNA UKWELI...

MZEE KAINGIA TOWN

Mzee mmoja katoka kijijini kaenda kumtembelea mwanawe mjini.

Kufika akapewa vyakula vingi sana akala,akashiba kweli kweli.Akamwambia mwanawe,"Dah, nimeshiba kweli...tumbo limejaa!!"

Mwanawe akasema,"Haya wacha nikakuletee tissue."

Mzee akateta,

"Mwanangu,unataka nife! Eka iyo tissue nitakula kesho."

HII NI HATARI!!??

HUYU ILIKUWAJE??

GARI LIMEFIKAJE APO??

WAKUBALIANA NA HILO??

INAVOKUWA iPHONE

MAMBO YA KISASA

MCHAPIO WA UKWELI

KAUWAWA MPAKA AKAFA

NOT FAIR

 This is not fair

Teacher asked to a student,

”Rony if 2 & 2 makes four how is 4 & 4 ?”

Student replied,

“This is not fair teacher, you always do the easy ones and leave the hard ones for me.”"

NO AIR CONDITIONER

A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant, at first he’d asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.

Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. 

So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn’t throw out the pest.

“Oh, that man I don’t care.” said the waiter with a smile. 

“We don’t even have an air conditioner.”

DOCTOR AND LAWYER

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, “What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re out of the office?”

“I give it to them,” replied the lawyer, “and then I send them a bill.”

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

MAZUZU

Mwanamke zuzu alikuwa na mchumba wake zuzu kama yeye, lakini mwishowe uhusiano ulivunjika.

sasa huyo jamaa alikuwa akimsumbua sana kumpigia na kumtumia sms na  yule mwanamke kwa simu kila siku, mpaka huyu mwanamke akawa anachukia,mwisho akaamua abadilishe laini, alipotia laini ile mpya tu akamtumia sms yule jamaa kwa kumwambia 

"sasa nishabadilisha namba hutonipata tena hasidi wewe"

nae yule jamaa zuzu akamjibu 

"nitahakikisha naitafuta hio namba yako mpya, hata chini ya ardhi mpaka niipate."

KUJIFANYA MJUAJI KUMBE PATUPU

Usista Duu bila elimu ni bure na kimeo

jamaa alienda baa na demu wake.... walipofika kwa kua jamaa hakujisikia kunywa kitu chochote ila kuna mchezo wa pool pembeni akaona bora acheze huo wkaio akamwita muhudumu na kumwagiza TOKEN...

kisha akamwambia na demu wake kwamba nawe agiza upendacho... demu kwa mbwembwe na Nyondo akamwambia muhudumu

"Na mimi pia naomba TOKEN ila isiwe ya baridi saana maana nina mafua"

UTAMSAIDIAJE??

MGONJWA: dokta naomba unisaidie na tatizo la kusahau hata ukinambia kitu muda huo Huo nasahau.

DAKTARI: Kwan hilo tatizo 

limekuanza Lini?

MGONJWA:Tatizo gani?

UKISEMA VITABU UTAKOSEA....

HAIJABOMOKA... NDO ILIVYO

KIPANYA NOMA

AKILI KICHWANI

Jamaa mmoja alikua anavuka boda (mpaka wa nchi moja kwenda nyingine) akiwa juu ya baiskeli na kabela viroba vya mchanga kushoto na kulia kama balance.

alipofika mpakani yule askari wa mpakani akamuuliza,

Askari: we! umebeba nini humo?

Jamaa: Mchanga

Askari: hebu shusha tuone na tukague, nyie ndo mwapitishaga magendo kwa staili hizi hizi mnaficha kwenye mchanga.

Jamaa: sawa unaweza pekua na kukagua

Askari akakagua na kukuta kweli ni mchanga, akamruhusu jamaa apite.

baada ya wiki mbili jamaa akapita tena akitaka kuvuka mpaka, yule askari akamkumbuka akamwambia shusha mzigo tuukague:

aliposhusha akagundua kweli ni mchanga akamruhusu.

hii ikawa inaendelea kila baada ya wiki mbili jamaa anapita pale kuingia iyo nchi na baiskeli na michanga.

siku moja yule askari akiwa hayupo kazini baada ya kustaafu, yupo mjini tu akamuona yule jamaa kwenye kisehemu akamfuata.

Askari: aisee vipi mzima wewe za siku?

Jamaa: aah salama, vp wewe?

Askari: niko mzima, sahivi nimestaafu, ila nina swali kidogo kwako.

jamaa: ok uliza tu

Askari: ujue miaka yote hiyo umekua ukipita na mchanga waingia huku nchini kwetu, nikikupekua unakua na mchanga, lakini bado nimekua nikihisi kuna magendo unafanya kuyaleta nchini ni nini hiko umekua ukikileta nchini? we nambie tu hii itakua siri yetu maana nimekua nikijiuliza sana pasipo kupata jibu, sitamwambia yoyote:

Jamaa akajibu " Baiskeli"

UTAFANYAGAJE??

A couple had not been married for long, when the husband came home one day to find that his bride had disappeared. He got very worried and gathered up all his friends to search for his wife with no success.

Two days after his wife disappeared the man returned home to find her in the kitchen. He asked her what she had been up to and why she hadn't been home for so long.

She replied:

"These four men kidnapped me and had wild sex with me for a week."

The husband answered:

"But it's only been two days what do you mean a week?"

"I am just here to get something to eat."

BONGO IPO SANA

Joti siku hiyo baada ya kurudi hom usiku mkali wa manane akawa anajiandaa kwenda kulala, mkewe akamstua, hebu angalia kwa nje kule kwenye mwanga naona kuna kama vivuli vya watu. alipoangalia vizuri akagundua kuna wezi wameignia na wanafanya jaribio la kutaka kuiba kwake.

akainua simu taratiibu na kupiga Polisi masunzumzo yakawa hivi:

Joti: habari afande, nimevamiwa hapa nyumbani kwangu na wezi wanaiba tafandhali naomba msaada wenu.

Polisi: aisee pole sana nasikitika kukuambia kuwa hatutaweza kufika maana hapa kituoni hakuna hata mtu hivyo subiri wakipatikana tunatuma waje apo kwako.

Joti akajibu Poa kisha akakata simu.

baada ya dakika Moja Joti akapiga tena simu polisi akasema.

Joti: samahani afande ni mimi niliyepiga dk 1 iliyopita, msiwe na shaka hakuna haja ya kutuma maaskari, maana nimewapiga risasi na kuwauwa wezi wote.

kisha akakata simu.

hazikupita dakika 5 mapolisi na magari kama 6 ivi na ving'ora yakafika nyumbani kwa jamaa na kuwakamata wezi wote red-handed na ushahidi tosha na kuwaweka chini ya ulinzi na kuwapeleka lupango.

askari mmoja akamfuata joti na kumuuliza

Askari: aisee... imekuaje we si ulisema kwa simu kwamba umewaua wezi wote.. vp mbona tumekuta hivi??

Joti: aah mi mwenyewe nawashangaa nyie.. si mlisema hamna askari wa kuja kwangu??

AKILI NYINGI PASIPO MAARIFA

Majamaa wawili Mpoki na Joti waliamua kwenda camping katika misitu flani kwa ajili ya kurefresh mind ana kupunguza stress.walipofika eneo la camp wakatengeneza hema lao na kwakuwa ilikua usiku tayari wakala na kisha wakalala ndani ya hema.

usiku mkali, Joti akashtuka toka usingizini akaangaza na kushangaaa..... akamuamsha Mpoki. Mpoki huwa anajifanya mjuaji sana.

Joti: we Mpoki amka kwanza

Mpoki: eeeh, vipi unasemaje?

Joti: hebu angalia Juu unaona nini?

Mpoki: aa naona nyota kama milioni hivi zikiwa zimetanda angani na kupendezesha anga

Joti: kwaio apo unapata picha gani au unaelewa nini?

Mpoki: apo inamaana anga iko tulivu na hakuna wingu la mvua wala dhoruba yoyote kwaio kuna usalama zaidi

Joti akamzaba bonge la kofi Mpoki, Mpoki akastuka... 

Mpoki: sasa wanipiga nini??

Joti: Pumbaf yaani wajifanya unajuaa... hata hujagundua kuwa hema letu limeibiwa??

UNAWEZA KOSEA

KUOMBA ONGEZEKO LA MSHAHARA

One day an employee sends a letter to Her boss asking for an increase in her salary!!!

  Dear Bo$$
  In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.
  I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.

  Your$ $incerely,
  shanice
  

======================================================

The next day, the employee recieved this letter of reply:
  .
  . 
  .
  .
  .
  .
  .
  Dear shanice

  I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.

  NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.

  I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.

  Yours truly,
Manager

LINDEGE...

After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment.

This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth.

The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!"

Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf!"

Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.

"Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home.

When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!"

The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my foot!"

MAKUBALIANO

JAMAA: I love you sweetie.

BINTI: I love you too...ila tupendane tu, mambo ya ngono sitaki namtunzia mume atakayenioa.

JAMAA: Hilo si tatizo, na mimi mambo ya kuniomba pesa sitaki namtunzia mke nitakayemuoa.

JINSI YA KUBEBISITI

NOTICE

KIINGREZA

MCHONGA VINYAGO

Mmakonde aliulizwa na mteja: 

mbona vinyago vyako vizur halafu watoto wako wabaya kiac hiki??!! 

Mmakonde akajibu vinyago nachonga Nchana kweupee

Watoto nachonga Uchiku na Nke wangu kenye Gija totolo...Watakocha kuwa wabaya???

IMEWEZEKANAJE?

DRINK LESS

A guy walks into a bar and approaches the barman, 

'Can I have a pint of Less, please?' 

I'm sorry sir, 'the barman replies, looking slightly puzzled, 

'I've not come across that one before. Is it a spirit?'

'I've no idea, 'replies the guy, 

'The thing is, I went to see my doctor last week and he told me that I should drink less.'

POMBE NOOOMA...

KILA MTU ANATEGEA MWENZIE

ONYO LA UKWELI

WAZO LA LEO...

POLISH REMOVER

A POLISH man moved to CANADA and married a CANADIAN girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. 
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions: 

L: Have you any grounds?
P: Yes, an acre and half and nice little home. 

L: No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
P: It made of concrete. 

L: I don’t think you understand. Do either of you have a real grudge?
P: No, we have carport, and not need one. 

L: I mean. What are your relations like?
P: All my relations still in Poland … 

L: Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
P: We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

L: Does your wife beat you up?
P: No, I always up before her. 

L: Is your wife a nagger?
P: No, she white. 

L: Why do you want this divorce?
P: She going to kill me. 

L: What makes you think that?
P: I got proof. 

L: What kind of proof?
P: She going to poison me. She buys a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it says:
‘Polish Remover’

WIZI MTUPU

Mwanamke flani alipata sms kutoka kwa mpenzi wake wa kando ikisema kuwa anataka uhusiano wao uishe.

Wakati anaisoma akahisi uchungu na kuanza kutokwa na machozi.Mume wake alipomuona 

akamuuliza;

MUME:"Hio sms ya nini?"

MKE:"Ni ya jinsi ya kupika pilau tu...nimetumiwa na dadangu."

MUME:"Mbona wa lia basi?"

MKE:"Jamani si nimefika sehemu ya kukata kitunguu!"

MATEJA VIMEO

Mateja wawili walikuwa wamekaa sehemu mara ndege ikapita angani.

Teja wa1 akasema: '' hiyo ndege itakuwa imembeba Rais''

Teja wa2 akasema: 

''hapana itakuwa imebeba wazungu tu, kama ingekuwa imembeba Rais ungeona pikipiki kwa mbele na ving'ora vikilia''

ILITOKEA MAHALI

FULL KUSEREBUKA

MZEE WA CHABO

MZEE wa Chabo kama kawaida yake baada ya kazi alijirejesha nyumbani majira ya usiku, kupitia uchochoroni kabla ya kufika nyumbani kwake. Siku hiyo kila kona ilikuwa ngumu. Akiwa 

amekata tamaa alipita nje ya nyumba moja ya wageni na kusikia sauti za kimahaba na mlio wa kitanda kuonesha ndani kunachimbika bila jembe. 

Kwa vile dirisha lilikuwa juu kidogo ilibidi arudi umbali kidogo na kufanikiwa kupata kipande cha tofali. Alirudi Nacho na kukiweka chini ya dirisha na kufanikiwa kuona ndani lakini alikuta ndiyo mchezo umekwenda mapumziko. 

Lakini mwanamke alikuwa akimlalamikia mwanaume: 

“Kwa hali hii mi siendelei tena.” 

“Kwa nini mpenzi?” 

“Vitanda gani kelele mtindo mmoja hata raha ya mapenzi hakuna.” 

“Basi tumalizie siku nyingine tutatafuta gesti nzuri.” 

“Nimesema hivi kama kitanda ni hiki chenye kelele utanisamehe kila mpita njia anajua tunafanya nini.” 

“Kwa hiyo?” 

“Tukatafute gesti nyingine bila hivyo nitarudi nyumbani.” 

“Poa basi twende ile ya jirani.” 

Kwa vile gesti waliyoisema ilikuwa na ulinzi mkali, Mzee wa Chabo aliona kabisa imekula kwake ilibidi atoe 

...ushauri kwa sauti 

''wekeni godoro chini halipigi kelele''

NDEGE IKIHARIBIKA NJIANI

HUYU KIMEO

FAMILY TREE

THE FASTEST MAN

SWAGGA ZA SASA.......

ETI MUWEKEZAJI......

KIDOGO TU

SPIDERMAN AKIOA

LITTLE JOHNNY LIKE TO GAMBLE

Little Johnny likes to gamble.

One day his dad gets a new job so his family has to move to a new city. 

Johnny's daddy thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling."

So he calls the teacher and says, 

"My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow 

but he likes to gamble so you'll have to keep an eye on him."

The teacher says OK, she can handle it.

The next day Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says,

"Hi, my name is Johnny."

She says yes I know who you are.

Johnny smiles and says, 

"I bet you ten dollars you've got a mole on your butt." 

The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem so she takes him up on the bet. She pulls her  pants down and shows him her butt and there was no mole.

That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost ten dollars to the teacher and why.

So his dad calls the teacher and says, 

"Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost."

The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem."

Johnny's dad laughs and says,

"No you didn't, he bet me a hundred dollars this morning that he'd see your ass before the day was over."

INSPIRATIONAL INTERVIEW

Interviewer : Tell me about yourself.

Candidate: I …am Rameshwar Kulkarni. I did my Tele Communication engineering from BabanRao Dhole-Patil Inst it ute of Technology.

Interviewer : BabanRao Dhole-Patil Inst it ute of Technology? I had never heard of this college before!

Candidate : Great! Even I had not heard of it before getting an admission into it ..
What happened is – due to cricket world cup I scored badly! in 12th.I was getting a paid seat in a good college. But my father said (I prefer to call him ‘baap’) – “I cannot invest so much of money”.(The baap actually said – “I will never waste so much of money on you”). So I had to join this college. Frankly speaking this name – BabanRao Dhole-Patil, can at the most be related to a Shetakari Mahavidyalaya

Interviewer: ok, ok. It seems you have taken 6 years to complete your engineering.
Candidate : Actually I tried my best to finish it in 4 years. But you know, these cricket matches and football world cup, and tennis tournaments. It is difficult to concentrate. So I flunked in 2nd and 3rd year. So in all I took 4 + 2 = 7 years.

Interviewer: But 4+2 is 6.

Candidate: Oh, is it ? You know I always had KT in maths. But I will try to keep this in mind. 4+2 is 6, good, thanks. These cricket matches really affect exams a lot.. I think they should ban it .

Interviewer : Good to know that you want cricket matches to be banned.

Candidate : No, no… I am talking about Exams!!

Interviewer: Ok, What is your biggest achievement in life?

Candidate : Obviously, completing my Engineering. My mom never thought I would complete it . In fact, when I flunked in 3rd year, she was looking for a job for me in BEST (Bus corporation in Maharashtra ) through some relative.

Interviewer : Do you have any plans of higher study?

Candidate: he he he.. Are you kidding? Completing ‘lower’ education it self was so much of pain!!

Interviewer : Let’s talk about technical stuff. On which platforms have you worked?

Candidate : Well, I work at SEEPZ, so you can say Andheri is my current platforms. Earlier I was at Vashi center. So Vashi was my platform then. As you can see I have experience of different platforms! (Vashi and Andheri are the places in Mumbai)

Interviewer : And which languages have you used?

Candidate : Marathi, Hindi, English. By the way, I can keep quiet in German, French, Russian and many other languages.

Interviewer: Why VC is better than VB?

Candidate : It is a common sense – C comes after B. So VC is a higher version than VB. I heard very soon they are coming up w it h a new language VD!

Interviewer: Do you know anything about Assembly Language?

Candidate: Well, I have not heard of it . But I guess, this is the language our ministers and MPs use in assembly.

Interviewer : What is your general project experience?

Candidate : My general experience about projects is – most of the times they are in pipeline!

Interviewer: Can you tell me about your current job?

Candidate: Sure, Currently I am working for Bata Info Tech ltd. Since joining BIL, I am on Bench. Before joining BIL, I used to think that Bench was another software like Windows

.

Interviewer : Do you have any project management experience?

Candidate: No, but I guess it shouldn’t be difficult. I know Word and Excel. I can talk a lot. I know how to dial for International phone call and use speaker facility. And very important – I know few words like – ‘Showstoppers ‘ , ‘hot fixes’, ‘SEI-CMM’, ‘quality’, ‘version control’, ‘deadlines’ , ‘Customer Satisfaction’ etc. Also I can blame others for my mistakes!

Interviewer: What are your expectations from our company?

Candidate : Not much.
1. I should at least get 40,000 in hand..
2. I would like to work on a live EJB project. But it should not have deadlines. I personally feel that pressure affects natural talent.
3. I believe in flexi-timings.
4. Dress Code is against basic freedom, so I would like to wear t-shirt and jeans.
5. We must have sat-sun off. I will suggest Wednesday off also, so as to avoid breakdown due to overwork.
6. I would like to go abroad 3 times a year on short term preferably 1-2 months) assignments. Personally I prefer US, Australia and Europe. But considering the fact that there are Olympics coming up in China in the current year, I don’t mind going there in that period. As you can see I am modest and don’t have many expectations. So can I assume my selection?

Interviewer : he he he ha ha ha. Thanks for your interest in our organization. In fact I was never entertained so much before. Welcome to INFOSYS.

The fellow was appointed in a newly created section ‘Stress Management’ in the HRD of Infosys.

So Excellence is not the only thing Needed.

Its the Unique Quality of a Person which can let anyone to Success.

Work on Your own Field rather than following somebody else’s Path

Share this Story with your Friends and Inspire People ??

UJUMBE WA MAGARI

CHEZEA KIFO WEWE!

Jamaa alienda kuposa kwa mzee mmoja. 

Mzee: Umekuja kuposa huku unatafuna big g!!? 

Jamaa: Natoa harufu ya sigara. 

Mzee: Yani unavuta sigara!? 

Jamaa: Vile nikitoka baa kulewa tu. 

Mzee: yani Unalewa!? 

Jamaa: Nilianza kulewa nilipokuwa jela. 

Mzee: Yaani na kufungwa pia!?

Jamaa: Ah niliua mtu

. 

Mzee: Duh kumbe wewe muuaji!? 

Jamaa: Ah, si kuna mzee nilitaka kumposa mwanae akanikatalia, mimi nikamuulia mbali.

Mzee: Karibu baba, unataka harusi lini? Mimi sina tabu, mke mkeo uyu! Na mahali utaleta ukipata aina tabu..

CHEZEA KIFO WEWE!