NDEGE IKIHARIBIKA NJIANI

HUYU KIMEO

FAMILY TREE

THE FASTEST MAN

SWAGGA ZA SASA.......

ETI MUWEKEZAJI......

KIDOGO TU

SPIDERMAN AKIOA

LITTLE JOHNNY LIKE TO GAMBLE

Little Johnny likes to gamble.

One day his dad gets a new job so his family has to move to a new city. 

Johnny's daddy thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling."

So he calls the teacher and says, 

"My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow 

but he likes to gamble so you'll have to keep an eye on him."

The teacher says OK, she can handle it.

The next day Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says,

"Hi, my name is Johnny."

She says yes I know who you are.

Johnny smiles and says, 

"I bet you ten dollars you've got a mole on your butt." 

The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem so she takes him up on the bet. She pulls her  pants down and shows him her butt and there was no mole.

That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost ten dollars to the teacher and why.

So his dad calls the teacher and says, 

"Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost."

The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem."

Johnny's dad laughs and says,

"No you didn't, he bet me a hundred dollars this morning that he'd see your ass before the day was over."

INSPIRATIONAL INTERVIEW

Interviewer : Tell me about yourself.

Candidate: I …am Rameshwar Kulkarni. I did my Tele Communication engineering from BabanRao Dhole-Patil Inst it ute of Technology.

Interviewer : BabanRao Dhole-Patil Inst it ute of Technology? I had never heard of this college before!

Candidate : Great! Even I had not heard of it before getting an admission into it ..
What happened is – due to cricket world cup I scored badly! in 12th.I was getting a paid seat in a good college. But my father said (I prefer to call him ‘baap’) – “I cannot invest so much of money”.(The baap actually said – “I will never waste so much of money on you”). So I had to join this college. Frankly speaking this name – BabanRao Dhole-Patil, can at the most be related to a Shetakari Mahavidyalaya

Interviewer: ok, ok. It seems you have taken 6 years to complete your engineering.
Candidate : Actually I tried my best to finish it in 4 years. But you know, these cricket matches and football world cup, and tennis tournaments. It is difficult to concentrate. So I flunked in 2nd and 3rd year. So in all I took 4 + 2 = 7 years.

Interviewer: But 4+2 is 6.

Candidate: Oh, is it ? You know I always had KT in maths. But I will try to keep this in mind. 4+2 is 6, good, thanks. These cricket matches really affect exams a lot.. I think they should ban it .

Interviewer : Good to know that you want cricket matches to be banned.

Candidate : No, no… I am talking about Exams!!

Interviewer: Ok, What is your biggest achievement in life?

Candidate : Obviously, completing my Engineering. My mom never thought I would complete it . In fact, when I flunked in 3rd year, she was looking for a job for me in BEST (Bus corporation in Maharashtra ) through some relative.

Interviewer : Do you have any plans of higher study?

Candidate: he he he.. Are you kidding? Completing ‘lower’ education it self was so much of pain!!

Interviewer : Let’s talk about technical stuff. On which platforms have you worked?

Candidate : Well, I work at SEEPZ, so you can say Andheri is my current platforms. Earlier I was at Vashi center. So Vashi was my platform then. As you can see I have experience of different platforms! (Vashi and Andheri are the places in Mumbai)

Interviewer : And which languages have you used?

Candidate : Marathi, Hindi, English. By the way, I can keep quiet in German, French, Russian and many other languages.

Interviewer: Why VC is better than VB?

Candidate : It is a common sense – C comes after B. So VC is a higher version than VB. I heard very soon they are coming up w it h a new language VD!

Interviewer: Do you know anything about Assembly Language?

Candidate: Well, I have not heard of it . But I guess, this is the language our ministers and MPs use in assembly.

Interviewer : What is your general project experience?

Candidate : My general experience about projects is – most of the times they are in pipeline!

Interviewer: Can you tell me about your current job?

Candidate: Sure, Currently I am working for Bata Info Tech ltd. Since joining BIL, I am on Bench. Before joining BIL, I used to think that Bench was another software like Windows

.

Interviewer : Do you have any project management experience?

Candidate: No, but I guess it shouldn’t be difficult. I know Word and Excel. I can talk a lot. I know how to dial for International phone call and use speaker facility. And very important – I know few words like – ‘Showstoppers ‘ , ‘hot fixes’, ‘SEI-CMM’, ‘quality’, ‘version control’, ‘deadlines’ , ‘Customer Satisfaction’ etc. Also I can blame others for my mistakes!

Interviewer: What are your expectations from our company?

Candidate : Not much.
1. I should at least get 40,000 in hand..
2. I would like to work on a live EJB project. But it should not have deadlines. I personally feel that pressure affects natural talent.
3. I believe in flexi-timings.
4. Dress Code is against basic freedom, so I would like to wear t-shirt and jeans.
5. We must have sat-sun off. I will suggest Wednesday off also, so as to avoid breakdown due to overwork.
6. I would like to go abroad 3 times a year on short term preferably 1-2 months) assignments. Personally I prefer US, Australia and Europe. But considering the fact that there are Olympics coming up in China in the current year, I don’t mind going there in that period. As you can see I am modest and don’t have many expectations. So can I assume my selection?

Interviewer : he he he ha ha ha. Thanks for your interest in our organization. In fact I was never entertained so much before. Welcome to INFOSYS.

The fellow was appointed in a newly created section ‘Stress Management’ in the HRD of Infosys.

So Excellence is not the only thing Needed.

Its the Unique Quality of a Person which can let anyone to Success.

Work on Your own Field rather than following somebody else’s Path

Share this Story with your Friends and Inspire People ??

UJUMBE WA MAGARI

CHEZEA KIFO WEWE!

Jamaa alienda kuposa kwa mzee mmoja. 

Mzee: Umekuja kuposa huku unatafuna big g!!? 

Jamaa: Natoa harufu ya sigara. 

Mzee: Yani unavuta sigara!? 

Jamaa: Vile nikitoka baa kulewa tu. 

Mzee: yani Unalewa!? 

Jamaa: Nilianza kulewa nilipokuwa jela. 

Mzee: Yaani na kufungwa pia!?

Jamaa: Ah niliua mtu

. 

Mzee: Duh kumbe wewe muuaji!? 

Jamaa: Ah, si kuna mzee nilitaka kumposa mwanae akanikatalia, mimi nikamuulia mbali.

Mzee: Karibu baba, unataka harusi lini? Mimi sina tabu, mke mkeo uyu! Na mahali utaleta ukipata aina tabu..

CHEZEA KIFO WEWE!

MAMBO YA UTANZAWAZI SASA....

VIOJA VYA SENSA

MKUU WA KAYA(MUHAYA) AKITOA MAELEKEZO KWA DADA WA KAZI KABLA YA KUONDOKA NYUMBANI ASUBUHI YA SENSA:

Mimi natoka watu wa sensa wakiulizia nimeenda wapi waambieni nimeenda bank kuchukua milioni thelathini kwa ajili ya ada za kaka zenu wawili wanaosoma uingereza, 

wakiuliza jumla mu wangapi waambieni tuko nane, 

ila Bibi mzaa Baba ameenda India kutibiwa na yupo huko mwezi sasa, na imetucost mpaka dakika hii milioni sabini, 

mama yenu muwaambie yupo site, anasimamia ushushwaji wa vifaa vya ujenzi 'kwa ajili ya finishing' vimetoka China ambavyo vimetugharimu milioni 600, 

halafu na watoto wengine waliobaki waambieni wameenda kutembea serengeti na rafiki zao wametoka Australia na wanatumia gari mbili Range Rover na Hummer, 

kama watahitaji kuongea namimi wapeni namba zangu za blackberry tu za samsung waambieni huwa natumia kwa familia tu ...

FUNDI GEREJI AKIPROPOSE

UKIKEJELI INAWEZA KUKURUDIA

Kuna muhindi mmoja alikua akisafiri na mkewe ambaye ni mjamzito na tumbo tayari lilikua kubwa tu linaloonekana bila kuhoji kwa njia ya treni. ndani ya hilo behewa pia kulikua na wanajeshi wa Kipakistani. kama inavyojulikana Wahindi na Wapakistani ni majirani na wanakaugomvi hivyo mara nyingi watu wa hizi nchi mbili wakikutana kila mmoja hupendi kumdhihaki mwenzie.

wale wanajeshi wakamuona yule Muhundi akiwa amejkaa na mkewe wakaona ngoja wakamzingua na kumtania. mmoja wao akasogea na kuanza kumuhoji.

Mjeshi: wee... vipi huyo mkeo ni mjamzito?? (ilhali akiona ile hali ya ujauzito) 

huku wajeshi wenzake wakicheka

Muhindi: (kwa sauti ya kawaida, bila kujua jamaa anamzingua) ndio ni mjamzito, kama unavyomuona

Mjeshi: sasa akizaliwa mtoto wa kiume utapenda awe nani??

Muhindi: nitapenda awe Engineer

Mjeshi: (akicheka na wenzake) hahahaha.. enhe akiwa wa kike je??

Muhindi: nitapenda awe Daktari

Mjeshi: (akiendelea kucheka) haya sasa vipi azaliwe na asiwe wa kike au wa kiume??

wajeshi wenzie wakizidi kucheka

Muhindi ndio alipogundua kuwa hawa jamaa wanamsanifu nae akaona ngoja niwapatie..

Muhindi akajibu: nitapenda awe MWANAJESHI WA PAKISTANI

Wajeshi wa pakistani full hasira ila ndio hivyo hawakua na cha kumfanya

KAZIDIWA UJANJA....

jamaa mmoja alikua akiishi na mkewe, lakini mkewe alikua anafuga paka na yeye jamaa alikua hampendi kweli yule paka. siku moja akaamua aende akamtupe mbali.

akamchukua na kuendesha gari kama mtaa wa saba 7 mbele, akamuacha paka apo akaanza kurudi home, alipokua  anakaribia kwake akamuona paka naye anaingia ndani.. akashangaa kweli..akauchuna.

siku iliyofuata akamchukua paka na kumpeleka mbali zaidi kama mtaa wa 18 kutoka nyumbani kwake.. akumtupia apo ye akaanza kurudi nyumbani, alipokaribia nyumbani kwake akamuona tena paka naye amerudi anaingia ndani.... akapandwa na hasira...

kesho yake akaamka na kumchukua paka akaenda mbali zaidi akakata kushoto akakata kulia akanyoosha tena kushoto kulia akazunguka saaaana.. kisha akamtupa paka...... akaanza safari ya kurudi home...

baada ya muda akapiga simu kwa mkewe nyumbani

Jamaa: mke wangu vipi.... huyo paka yupo apo??

Mke: ndio mume wangu yupo katulia tu, vipi imekuaje??

Jamaa: hebu mpe simu anielekeze njia ya kurudi nyumbani...... maana mi nimepotea

NEW DESIGN IN TOWN

WALEVI WA SIKU HIZI

HUYU JAMAA KIBOKO

A bum, who obviously has seen more than his share of hard times, approaches a well dressed gentleman on the street. 

"Hey, Buddy, can you spare two dollars?" 

The well-dressed gentleman responds,
"You are not going to spend in on liquor are you?"

"No, sir, I don't drink," retorts the bum.

"You are not going to throw it away in some crap game, are you?" asks the gentleman.

"No way, I don't gamble," answers the bum.

"You wouldn't waste the money at a golf course for greens fees, would you?" asks the man.

"Never," says the bum, "I don't play golf."

The man asks the bum if he would like to come home with him for a home cooked meal. The bum accepts eagerly. While they are heading for the man's house, the bum's curiosity gets the better of him.

"Isn't your wife going to be angry when she sees a guy like me at your table?"

"Probably," says the man, 

"but it will be worth it. I want her to see what happens to a guy who doesn't drink, gamble or play golf."

USINIFUNDISHE KIDHUNGU..HUJANILIPIA ADA

HEHEHE UTATA....

RESIGNATION LETTER

Resignation Letter

Dear Boss John,

Me is resigning from the work for becoz hungriness is playing 

with me. You is giving me young money. I can’t afford to buy the whole moon. 

I please you to go up my money you are not go up my money. My child is seek I don’t have money to take me to the docter. The owner of my house is running me out of his house because I do not collect rent. 

I borrow a money from you last moon but you is not give me a cent. Now I not collected rent for  two moons and now I get stressness coz my wife is soon going to pick her clothes and live another man.

Me is tired with you, I can take it anymore. Is not that you is not have money its just that you…. (usile). You think coz me is black you should play with it. Even you is not white is pink. 

In coclusion me was working you with smile but you play me like a feetball but I’m never careless becoz;

“God is looking for you.”

KUSOMA MUHIMU

Masanja alikwenda kwenda kwenye hotel ya kifahari watu wote pale hotelini wanaongea kiengereza. 

Basi Masanja alipokua kwenye room alimuona panya

Masanja akapiga simu reception asaidiwe ilhali akiwaza panya kwa kizungu anaitwaje. 

Unajua kilichotokea...............Baada ya kupiga muhudumu akapokea..


MUHUDUMU: Thank you for calling reception, how can i help u? 

MASANJA: Do you know Tom & Jerry?

 MUHUDUMU: Yes i know. 

MASANJA: Ok, good! Jerry is here.

JIAMINI NA LUGHA YAKO

Jamaa mmoja alikuwa amekaa na mzungu kwanye banda la mihogo ya kukaanga wakiwa wanakula 

ghafla jamaa muhogo ukamkwama na maji anayo yule mzungu 

weeee!! jamaa akaanza 

''ZE.. ZEE.. CASAVA IZ STANDING AT ZEKOLOMELO WATER PLZ!!! 


mdhungu akamuangalia kisha akamwambia

''UTAKUFA MDOGO WANGU WE SEMA TUU NINI SHIDA ???

WATOTO NI HATARI

Baada ya kuona panya wamezidi nyumbani baba akaamua kununua samaki na kumuweka sumu na kuwategeshea panya, 

baada ya masaa kupita baba akamtuma mwanae aende kumwangalia samaki kama panya wamemla na kufa

mtoto : baba yule samaki uliowategeshea panya nimemla na ugali panya walisusa kumla.................!!!?

MKE WA MTU NI SUMU

Jamaa mmoja kalala na mkewe..mara akaamka akaanza kuvaa nguo.

Mkewe akamuuliza "unakwenda wapi usiku wote huu?'

Mume: Naenda kutafuta mke wa mtu.

Mke: mke wa mtu!!

Mume:ndiyo c unajua mke wa mtu sumu, kuna kapanya kanasumbua huku ndani mpaka nimeshindwa kulala!"

MULEVI TUNGI BWIII

Jamaa mmoja mlevi alikuwa na mazoea ya kurudi home usiku sana, siku moja karudi mishale ya saa tisa usiku akiwa tungi mbaya...

siku moja akarudi akiwa tungi mbaya... baada ya kulala akashikwa na haja ndogo.. akamwamsha mkewe amsindikize chooni... 

mkewe akakataa akamwambie nenda mwenye unaogopa nini na ilihali ni choo cha ndani??

basi mlevi akainuka akaelekea chooni.... aliporudi akamuamsha mkewe na kumwambia

Mlevi: Dear Hivi Leo Umeweka Balbu Automatic Chooni nini???

MKE: Akhaaa Mbona ni Ile ile ya siku zote???

Mlevi: Nooo, haiwezekani, Wakati nafungua Mlango taa Ikawaka..Nilipomaliza Kukojoa Nikafunga Mlango na taa Ikazima... we huoni ni maajabu hayo??

Wife: Ooh shit, hizo pombe na uache Mume wangu Umeshakojoa kwenye Friji.....

KUFELI NDIO HUKU

MASKINI HATUONEKANI..TANZANIA HIYOO

NDOTO ENDELEVU

Kuna jamaa mmoja alikuwa kila siku usiku akilala anaota NGEDERE na PANYA wanacheza mpira ikabidi siku moja aende hospital kumuona dokta alipofika hospital mazungumzo yakawa hivi:-

JAMAA: "Dokta mimi nimekuja ninasumbuliwa na ndoto kila siku usiku nikilala naota Ngedere na Panya wanacheza mpira utanisaidiaje?"

DOKTA: "Kwa hilo tatizo lako ulilosema inabidi nikupe hizi dawa ukifika nyumbani uzimeze, ukizimeza kuanzia leo hauto ota tena ndoto hizo sawa!"

JAMAA: "Sawa dokta ila itabidi nianze kuzimeza kesho kwakuwa leo ndio Fainali nataka nijue nani atashinda katika mechi ya leo"

- Dokta alibaki anashangaa!

MATATIZO YA MTANDAO....

FUMANIZI

Jamaa mmoja alikua kwa demu wake wa nje usiku. siku hiyo kwa bahati mabaya majambazi wakavamia kwa huyo mwanamke. kwa woga na kuokoa maisha yake akakurupuka na kutoka spidi hadi nyumabni kwake.

alipofika kwake akihema na kutweta.. mkewe akamuuliza

MKE: eeeh vipi mume wangu umekuja uchi na spidi na mna hiyo kuna nini uko??

JAMAA: aah nilivamiwa na vibaka wameniibia kila kitu lakini nimeweza kuwatoroka ndio nimekimbia

MKE: lakini mbona uimevaa kondom imekuaje??

JAMAA: aaah baada ya kuona niko uchi ikabidi nitafute hata jinsi ya kujisitiri kidogo.....

MKALIMANI

MTALII mmoja kaja BONGO akakutana na interpreter mmoja mswahili anaitwa MKUBYA wakaenda hotelini mambo yakawa hivi:

TOURIST:"Do you have vegetables here?"
MKUBYA:"Mnavyo vijimeza hapa?"

WAITER:"Vijimeza vidogo hatuna."
MKUBYA:"No sir,they dont have."

TOURIST:"Ok,fine do you have hotdogs?"
MKUBYA:"Sawa,je mnao mbwa moto?"

WAITER:"Loh! Bwana we hatupiki mbwa hapa!"
MKUBYA"They dont cook here."

TOURIST:"What type of snacks do you have here?"
MKUBYA:"Aina gani ya nyoka munauza hapa?"

WAITER:"We bwana ee hapa hatupiki aina yeyote ya nyoka mwache akale nyumbani kwao."

MKUBYA:"They dont cook any type of snacks here,maybe you can go back and eat at home."

TOURIST:"Ok,atleast give us cocktail juice."
MKUBYA:"Ok,basi tupatie hata juisi ya mkia wa jogoo."

WAITER:"Pumbavu,hebu tokeni na bangi zenu hapa,tena sasa hivi kabla sijakasirika!!"

MKUBYA:"Lets get out of here i think this man is crazy!!"

CHIZIIII

Chizi mmoja alikuwa ghorofa ya juu kabisa ya mathare hospital,akatoa uume wake na kuanza kukojoa.

Wakati anakojoa dokta wake aliyekuwa anapita chini akamuona.Chizi alipogundua ameonekana akaacha kukojoa na kukimbia ndani.

Dokta akaona huyu chizi ameshaanza kupona,akamfuata na kumuuliza,"Mbona uliicha kukojoa uliponiona?"

Chizi akajibu,"Niliogopa utavuta mkojo wangu nianguke!"