HADI MBINGUNI

WATOTO WA SIKU HIZI

BABA: Mwanangu soma kwa bidii.. usitarajie kabisa kurithi Nyumba na mali zangu!

MTOTO: Kwanini??

BABA: Usione hii nyumba ilivyo nzuri na hizi mali zoote, Nimezipata kwa JASHO!

MTOTO: Basi zima hiyo A.C Niskie JASHO na mimi Nipate Nyumba na mali zangu!

SOKSI ZA BABA

Mwalimu aliuliza swalI darasani,

Nitajie Kitu chochote chenye harufu kali na mbaya zaidi ya Mzoga na Choo

Juma Akanyoosha kidole akajibu "NI SOKSI ZA BABA"

MATEJA NOMA

niliwakuta mateja wanaangua maembe sasa kwa bahati mbaya pembeni ya embe kulikua na tawi kubwa linawazuia shabaha yao kulilenga embe lianguke... 

mmoja akapanda akalivuta tawi la embe pembeni kukwepesha lile tawi kubwa kisha akashuka chini wakaendelea kutungua....

PRAYING BEFORE MEAL

In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear.

In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could. The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim.

Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some religion!"

The skies darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused.

Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said, "Thank you God, for the food I'm about to receive..."

AKPOS

Once Akpos went to a electronic shop, he asked the shopkeeper" what is the price of this TV ?".

The shopkeeper answered "we don't sell our products to Akpos".

Akpos again came next day by cutting his beard and asked "what is the price of this TV ?".

The shopkeeper replied "we don't sell our products to Akpos".

The next day Akpos came with a differnt face and asked "what is the price of this TV ?".

The shopkeeper replied "we don't sell our products to Akpos".

Finally Akpos got irritated and asked the shopkeeper" how do you recognise me every time ?"

The shopkeeper replied "this is not TV it is Microwave"

WHO???

TEACHER...Who created the earth??

(boy pokes a girl's back with a pencil)

Girl..oh God

TEACHER...Good,,correct answer

TEACHER...who was born on 25th december
(boy pokes the girl's back)

Girl...Oh Jesus

TEACHER....very good..correct answer

TEACHER...what did Eve tell Adam when they had their 17th baby??

(boy pokes the girl's back once again)

Girl...if you stick that thing on me once more,am going to BREAK it into half

Teacher fainted

BUSINESS FAILURE

TEACHER: Give an example of business failure due to carelessness.. 

ANDUNJE: Real Madrid failing to win the Copa del Rey at the Bernabeu

GLASSES

ANDUNJE: Doctor, I think I need glasses.. 

CASHIER: You certainly do! This is a bank

PERIOD

TEACHER: Why are u late, do u know that u missed a Period.. 

ANDUNJE: OMG, please don't tell me that I am pregnant

RANGI GANI??

Jamaa alipeleka gari lake kwa fundi lipakwe rangi!

Fundi akauliza, "Lipakwe rangi gani?"

Jamaa akasema,

"Yeyote isipokuwa nyekundu, nyeupe, bluu, manjano, kijani, wairdi, nyeusi, chockleti, kijivujivu, maziwa, zambarau, orange...(na nyingi nyengnezo akazitaja!)
Lini nije kulichukua gari langu?"

Fundi akamjibu 

"Njoo cku yoyote icpokuwa Jumatatu, Jumanne, Jumatano, Alhamis Ijumaa, J'mosi wala jumapili!"

VERE TRUU

OVERLOADED

BLENDA

Siku ya kwanza :

MUME: vipi mke wangu salama
MKE:salama tu mume wangu
MUME:uko wapi
MKE:niko nyumbani mume wangu
MUME:mmh kama kweli uko nyumbani hebu washa blender niisikie
mke akawasha blender - haya umeisikia ??
MUME:ndio mke wangu nimeiskia

Siku ya pili :

MUME:vipi mke wangu habari za hapo nyumbani
MKE:nzuri tu kamaulivyotuacha tuko poa 

MUME:uko wapi
MKE:niko nyumbani mume wangu
MUME:kama uko nyumbani hebu washa blender niisikie

mke akawasha blender - haya umeisikia ??

MUME:ndio mke wangu nimeisikia

siku ya tatu

mume akahamua kurudi bila taarifa around mchana akamkuta mfanyakazi nyumbani akamuuliza

 "vipi mbona uko peke yako mama yuko wapi ?"

 yule mfanyakazi akamwambia 

 "mama ameondoka na blender tokea asubuhi hajarudi ...."

DEDICATION

Andunje calls a radio station and says

''I have found a wallet in a bus and in it has 680,000/=, ATM card PIN number written on it & a gold  chain. The owners ID reads Masanja Mkandamizaji.''

The radio presenter asks

'' Do you want to return the items to him?''...

Andunje says

''Aah NO! i just wanted to dedicate him the song

''U SAVED ME'' by R kelly'

A BOY IN CLASS

The class teacher asks students to name an animal that begins with an E.

One boy says: “Elephant.”

Then the teacher asks for an animal that begins with a T.

The same boys says: “Two elephants.”

The teacher sends the boy out of the class for bad behaviuor.

After that she asks for an animal beginning with M.

The boy shouts from the other side of the door: 

“Maybe an elephant!”

MCHUMBA

Madenge baada ya kufaulu mtihan wa Form Four akaambiwa achague zawad yoyote aipendayo,

Madenge: nataka posa nikamuoe bibi maana ni siku nyingi amekuwa akiniita mchumba wake,

Baba Madenge: Shenz ww yule ni mama yangu mzaz huwez kumuoa,

Madenge: Mbona ww umemuoa mama yangu mzaz sijasema kitu!

MASAI KATISHA

Baada ya kupanda daladala aina ya DCM kutoka Mbagala Chalambe mpaka Mwenge na kulipa sh 500. Masai akachukua taxi wakati wa kurudi walipofika sasa shughuli ilikuwa hivi.

Masai: we dureva? Naulisa Ng'ombe na mbusi ipi ngali?

Dereva: Ni ng'ombe ghali Masai.

Masai: kwanini Ng'ombe ngali?

Dereva: kwa sababu ni mkubwa zaidi ya mbuzi

Masai: umepata..na mbusi na kuku ipi ngali

Dereva: ni mbuzi kwa sababu nae ni mkubwa kuliko kuku.

Masai: Umepata..

Masai: sasa me nimekwenda kule Mwenge kwa gari kubwa nikalitoa sh500 sasa hii yako ndogo unasema nikupe 40,000 wewe acha wizi..Nitakupa 250 Tu..wee acha ibia morani...!

UMEELEWA??

UNA BAHATI

Mdada alikuwa akisafiri kwenye basi, ghafla Jamaa aliyekuwa kakaa kiti cha nyuma akamtapikia

JAMAA: Samahani dada lakini una bahati sana

MDADA: Mshenzi mkubwa umenitapikia halafu unasema nina bahati

JAMAA: Ndio leo nimetoka kula pilau, kwa kawaida saa hizi huwa nakuwa nimekunywa kangara

JEURI MBAYA

Hii ilitokea katika daladala litokalo posta kwenda ubungo, 

kondakta kauliza ''manzese hapo kuna mtu anashuka?'' 

Dada m1 akajibu ''Tuna mitandio''. 

Konda kauchuna, 

kufika ubungo maziwa yule dada kafika akamwambia konda, 

''Konda nashuka maziwa'' 

Konda akamwambia 

''Kayanunulie sidiria''.

UNA BAHATI LEO...

Mdada alikuwa akisafiri kwenye basi, ghafla Jamaa aliyekuwa kakaa kiti cha nyuma akamtapikia

JAMAA: Samahani dada lakini una bahati sana

MDADA: Mshenzi mkubwa umenitapikia halafu unasema nina bahati

JAMAA: Ndio leo nimetoka kula pilau, kwa kawaida saa hizi huwa nakuwa nimekunywa kangara

GOOD AND BAD NEWS

Pastor Masanja aliendelea na ibada kisha akasema:

"Today i have good news and bad news for you...."

waumini wakaitikia haleluyaah...

"mtumishi wa Mungu tungependa kusikia habari hizo..”

“The good news is we have enough money to build a new modern church"

(Everyone just cheered, clapped na wamama wakaanzisha wimbo.... Aleluyaaaah! Huuuu!)

After kutulia pastor Masanja went on:)

"The bad news is that the money is still in your pockets"

(Sahizo kila mtu anajifanya hajaskia)

WHO DO U LIKE MORE???

DAD: Who do you like more, Mum or Dad?

JOTI: Both.


DAD: Ok if I go to America and your mum goes to Paris, where will you go

JOTI: Paris 

DAD: That means you like your mum more?

JOTI: No, I like Paris.

DAD: OK, if I go to Paris and your mum goes to America, where will you go

JOTI: America.

DAD: [angry] Why!?

JOTI: Because I've been to Paris before

RESULTS

A man had 2 sons; Ken and Johnny who sat for an examination.

When the result came out, the father called both of them to ask them some questions:

Father: Ken, come here. You did very well in your exams, you got A's in chains.

Ken: Yes daddy, I want to study in America that's why I got A's.

Father: ... and you Johnny, can you explain why you got E's in chains?

Johnny: Yea Papa, its my Dream to study in England.

ALWAYS LISTEN

A 5yr old girl is sitting at dinner table with her dad.

Cellphone rings, dad excuses himself, goes outside and talks for a few minutes then comes back to continue his meal.

5yr old says: "Dad I have something to tell u"
Dad slaps her n yells at her; "How many times must I tell you not 2 talk while eating?"

Ten minutes later dinner is finished and dad ask…: "So what did u want to tell me?"

In tears the 5yr old girl said: "While u were on the phone the cat pissed in ur food...!"

HAUKO SIRIASI

Simu ya binti inaita ngriiiiiiiiiii ngriiiiiiiiiii. Binti anapokea. Jamaa upande wa pili akaanza:

Jamaa: Haloo mpenzi, vipi hali yako?

Binti: Kichwa kinanigonga si mchezo, sijui ni maleria au ni kichwa tu! Naumwa sana. Uko wapi swirii?

Jamaa: Niko town my dear. Natamani nije kukuona baadaye, nikuletee nini?

Binti: Wow! Mpenzi unanipenda sana. Niletee Chipsi Kuku, Ice Cream, Chocolate, na lile gauni na viatu ulivyoniambia, na vocha ya buku 10 please!

Jamaa: Nilikuwa najua unaumwa ila naona uongo umekuzidi.

Binti: Khaa, naumwa mwenzio! Tena sana. Kwani vipi we mwanaume?!

Jamaa: Na mbona hiyo list ya vitu umetaja hakuna hata Panadol?!

Binti: Jamani, ni kujisahau tu mpenzi wangu!

Jamaa: Hauko serious! Chapa mwendo.

WHERE IS THE MOUSE??

TWENDE BASI

Jamaa kazoeana na mdada wakati wanangoja daladala kituoni;

JAMAA: Sasa nauliza tu kwa mfano mtu anakuja anakwambia mwende gest atakulipa milioni tano utakubali?

MDADA: Hapo sina ujanja ntakubali

JAMAA: Mi nina alfu tano twende gest

MDADA: He we baba unadhani mi changudoa?

JAMAA: Mi nadhani tatizo letu hapa ni bei, hayo mengine majibu tumeshajua, basi alfu kumi je?

NJOO UKU

NIMETOKA WAPI??

MASANJA: Eti baba mi nilitoka wapi?

BABA: Dah, unajua mwanangu umeuliza swali zuri sana, kimsingi, ni mefurahi kuwa umeuliza, sasa eh eh eh sasa yaani mi na mama yako tulifahamiana kwanza kwenye facebook, hatimae tukakutana faragha ndio babu yako akatulazimisha tuoane ndio baada ya miezi michache wewe ukaja, sijui umeelewa nadhani

MASANJA: Wala sijaelewa, mwenzangu Joti kasema yeye katoka Songea, sasa mimi nimetoka wapi sijui

PASIWEDI

USAFI WA UKWELI

INSHA YA VITA

Mwalimu aliwaagiza wanafunzi wake waandike insha ya maneno 100 kila mmoja kuhusu vita ya Tanzania na Uganda kipindi cha Idd Amin. 

"Andika insha ya maneno yasiyozidi 100 ukiwa ni mwanajeshi katika vita vya Idd Amin wa Uganda na Tanzania kuanzia vita vinaanza hadi vilipoisha."

Wakati wa kusahihisha insha hizo mwalimu akakutana na insha ya
mwanafunzi mmoja aliyeandika:

"Yawaaaaaaaa! Uwiiiiiiii! Mama nakufaaaaaaaaaaa!!" Insha imeisha.

Mwalimu akamuita akamuuliza: mbona umeandika maneno machache hivi?

Mwanafunzi akajibu: yaani ile naingia tu vitani mpakani Kagera nikapigwa risasi hivyo sikumaliza vita.

MAMBO YA FESIBUKU

Niliangalia status tatu za Demu flani apa Facebook, ilikuwa ivi.

STATUS YA KWANZA:
"Leo lazima niende club"
Friday at 5:15pm
via Nokia

STATUS YA PILI:
"lol, siamini aiseee... Yaani kizee cha miaka 60 kimeniambia kinataka kiwe na mimi usiku mzima afu anipe simu ya blackberry!! Inaboa, anadhani mi ni Malaya"
Friday at 11:23pm
via Nokia

STATUS YA 3:
"Wow,... Usiku wa Jana ulikua poa sana, najisikia poa sana asubuhi ya Leo"
Saturday at 8:09am
via BlackBerry