MBEGU

Wasukuma watatu walitoka kijijini wakaenda kwa ndugu yao mjini, walipofika ndugu yao akawapa soda. 

Yule mmoja akaweka kizibo mfukoni, wenzake wakavitupa akashangaa! 

Akamnong'oneza mwenzake akasema: 

Wewe huchukui mbegu ya hivi vitu vitamu tukapande kwetu?

NGOJA NKUKUTE...!!!

Siku moja jamaa si kamdanganya mke wake eti anaenda safari kikazi Arusha, akachukua tax kazunguka mjini kumbe anahamia kwa kimada nyumba ya pili toka kwake. 

Unajua kilichoendelea?

Asubuhi yake jamaa akachungulia kwa kupitia dirishani kwa kimada ili aangalie kwake hali inaendeleaje, akamwona jamaa anapiga mswaki huku kajifunga taulo lake bila wasiwasi wote. 

Akapiga kelele: 

nani wewe? 

Jamaa akajibu: 

mambo ya mjini bwana, huyu mume wake kaenda kikazi Arusha kwa hiyo mimi ndo nipo hapa najipumzisha. 

Kwa hasira mwenye mke akajibu: 

we ngoja nikukute nikirudi kutoka Arusha!!

LIKE A MOON

One day a teacher was talking about marriage in class

Teacher: What kind of wife would you like shabaya?

Shabaya: I would like a wife like the moon


Teacher: Wow, what a choice. . . Do you want her to be calm and cool like the moon?

Shabaya: No no. . .

Teacher: Oh, so you want her round and white?

Shabaya: No No. . .

Teacher: Or maybe you want her to be fair and beautiful?

Shabaya: No No No, I just want her to appear at night and disappear in the morning. . . Only pleasure No pains

NYOA NYWELE

Kijana alipewa sharti la kunyoa nywele na kusoma biblia kwa ufasaha akiweza hayo basi mdingi anamkabidhi gari kwakuwa kijana tayari ana leseni. 

Baada ya wiki kadhaa kijana akawa amewiva kwenye Baibo, na akamfuata mzee wake ili achukue gari akatanue. Hata hivyo hakutimiza sharti la kunyoa nywele. Katika kujitetea kwake kijana akasema:

"Baba katika kusoma kwangu Baibo , nimegundua watu muhimu wote kama Mussa na Samson hawakunyoa nywele, na kuna uwezakano mkubwa kuwa hata Yesu hakunyoa nywele. Hivyo nami sijataka nikuangushe baba yangu"

...Basi baba mtu akamjibu:-

" Natumaini pia ulisoma kuwa Mussa , Samson na Yesu hawakuwa wakitumia magari, walikuwa wakizunguka kwa miguu pande zote walizoenda, hivyo, swala la wewe kuwa na gari limeisha hapa".

THE AMERICAN DREAM

GRADUESHENI

MZIGO LAZIMA UFIKE

MIKOSI....

Jamaa mmoja alikua amekaa bar akaitazama bia yake kwa zaid ya dakika 20. Akatokea jamaa mmoja baunsa mtemi akaichukua akainywa yote ile bia

jamaa akaanza kulia hata hvo baunsa akamwambia 

"usilie bana nilikua nakutania tu nitakununulia nyingine" 

jamaa akajibu 

"hilo sio tatizo ila leo ninamikosi tu, asubuhi kazini nimefukuzwa, baada ya kutoka nje nkakuta gari yangu imeibiwa nikaja zangu bar , nimenunua bia yangu na kuiweka sumu ili nijiue wewe tena umeinywa"

TAFAKARI YALIYOFATA:..........

TABIA NJEMA

Darasani ticha anawafundisha madogo somo la tabia njema. Ikafika muda wa kuwafundisha jinsi ya kuaga kwenda msalani kwa haja ndogo wakati umekutana na binti kwa mara ya kwanza. Akaanza kuwauliza madogo ajua kama wanajua jinsi ya kuaga au hawajui.

Akaanza: Haya, niambieni kama ndo umekutana na msichana kwa mara ya

kwanza na mko mahali mnakula ukashikwa na haja ghafla kwenda msalani utaaga vipi

Mjuni tusaidie.

Mjuni: Oya, nisubiri dakika moja naenda chooni fasta narudi.

Ticha: No, hiyo itakuwa ni kuhuni na inaonyesha kukosa nidhamu na kutojali.

Yes, Peter, wewe ungesemaje?

Peter: samahani ila nahitaji kwenda chooni mara moja nitarudi, sitachelewa.

Ticha: mh, hiyo ni sawa ila bado si sahihi kutaja neno chooni na mko mezani mnakula.

Na wewe Joni ungesemaje?

Joni: Ningesema, mpenzi, naomba dakika chache, niwie radhi kuna rafiki yangu wa karibu sana naenda kupeana naye mkono hapo nje, ambaye pia nina hakika angependa sana kukusalimia siku moja kila kitu kikienda kadiri kilivyopangwa. 

Ticha akaanguka chini akazimia!

FESIBUKU

TANGAZO MITAA FLANI

BLIND MAN

BAADA YA KUANGALIA MUVI

MZIGO KAMA KAWA

BITS BAI DREI

ENZI HIZO..SIO SASA

MAMBO YA KISASA

NGUMU KUELEWA

MADENTI WATAELEWA KWELI??

TANGAZO NA MUWEKAJI TANGAZO

ANAYEKAMUA MAZIWA

KING'AMUZI

Mke wa fundi ving'amuzi alikuwa kapelekwa Mwananyamala Hospital tayari kujifungua. 

Na hatimae akajifungua na akamtext mume wake mpenzi,

' King'amuzi kipya tayari'. 

Fundi akaruka juu kwa furaha ya kujua mkewe kisha jifungua, naye akamjibu kwa txt,

'Hongera mke wangu mpenzi, Vipi kina antena au?"

INTELLIGENCE

Einstein & Mr.Bean sitting next to each other on a long flight..

Einstein says,"Let's play a game.. I will ask you a question,if you don't know the answer,you pay me only $5 and if I don't know the answer,I will pay you $500.."

Einstein asks the first question: 

What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon..?

Mr.Bean doesn't say a word,reaches his pocket,pulls out a $5..

Now,it's Mr.Bean's turn..

He asks Einstein: What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes down on 4 legs..?

Einstein searches the net and asks all his smart friends.. After an hour he gives Mr.Bean $500..

Einstein going nuts and asks:
 Well,so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four..?

Mr.Bean reaches his pocket and gives Einstein 5$

SPEED CONTROL

AJALI......

DUKA LINGINE

Jamaa flani mswahili kafungua duka, akamwambia rafikie,

"Niletee mtu wa kunisaidia kazi."

Akamletea msichana, jamaa akakataa!

Alipomuuliza, "kwanini umekataa?" 

Jamaa akajibu,

"Nimekuambia uniletee mtu wa kunisaidia kazi unaniletea duka lingineee!???

WHO??

In a class room.

Girl: Who gets more angry, boys or girls?

Boy: Girls.

Girl: How?

Boy: If I kiss you, you'll get angry;

But when you kiss me, I'll never get angry.

LUGHAAAA

Kwa mtaji huu denti huyu atapata divisheni ngapi ?

Hapa ameambiwa atoe introdakshen yake (ajitambulishe)
Me, I am Joni. I come from My famil is four. One is he, my brother; two is she, my sister; three is me and four is also he, my small brother
.
Tafsiri: Mie, Naitwa Joni, natokea kwenye familia ya watoto wa nne. Wa kwanza ni mwanaume, ambaye ni kaka yangu. Wa pili ni mwanamke; dada yangu, wa tatu ni mie, na wanne ni mvulana, mdogo wangu.

NDANI YA DALA DALA

DEM: "Samahani kaka, naomba unipakate.."

JAMAA: "Haina wasi...njoo tu nikupakate."

DEM: "Haya."

JAMAA: "Inaonekana wee ni sekretari?"

DEM: "Ndio...mbona?"

JAMAA: "Vidole vyako laini kweliii!"

DEM: "Na wewe ni Fundi magari?"

JAMAA: "Ndio, umejuaje?"

DEM: "Hapa nilipo naona nainuliwa na kitu kama Jeki!!"

BAADA YA MATOKEO

HII NDIO LUGHA YA MZAZI KWA MWANAE ALIEFAULU 

BABA; Baba,baba, unaamka sasa hivi au unalala lala kidogo

MTOTO; Hapana baba nimechoka ntaamka saa 5 hivi jana nilichelewa kulala nilikua naangalia Merlin

BABA; Haya baba bac kuna elfu 30 nimemuachia mamaako km utajiskia kutoka utaitumia km nauli 

MTOTO; Baba c uniachie zile funguo za rav4!!

BABA; Haina tatizo utaenda kuchukua pale chumbani kwangu ucpoziona mwambie mamaako akupe,halafu sidhani kama hiyo pesa itakutosha kwa ajili ya mafuta upitie pale ofisini nikuongeze pesa.

SASA HII NDIO LUGHA KWA WALE WA 4 NA 0
SAA 12 asubuhi

BABA:We nguruwe umelala tuu mpaka saa hizi ivi unajua bei ya hilo godoro, kazi kupata maziro tuu kwa kulala lala lione,ebu amka unioshee gari niende kazini na baadae uchome zile takataka kule shimoni na ulichimbe shimo upya.

Elimu iko I.C.U. na Dr K anakunywa valuuuu 

hajali yaliotokea anatabasam tuu km...........

NDIO MWANAO

BABA: Mwanangu, mtihani uliofanya zamu hii natumai utapata marks nzuri.

MTOTO: Yani baba nitapata zote; mia kwa mia!

BABA: Kwanini unasema hivyo?

MTOTO: Jana kanisani tuliambiwa 'Yesu ni jibu'...majibu yote nimejaza Yesu.

APO JE??

ALCOHOL

WHY BOSSES SHOULD ENCOURAGE ALCOHOL TAKING;-

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress.

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

14. Salary negotiations are a lotmore profitable.

15. If something does something stupid on the job, it will be quickly forgotten.

BIGGEST LIE

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.

The teacher says, “Why are you arguing?”

One boy answers, “We found a ten dollar note and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.”


“You should be ashamed of yourselves,” said the teacher, 

“When I was your age I didn’t even know what a lie was.”

The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher

UMUHIMU WA KOMA (,)

Ona umuhimu wa koma(,) kwenye sentensi:

Kuna jamaa alipewa kazi ya kuandika tangazo lililotakiwa kusomeka

"Mtaalamu wa kucha,mba na kunyoa anapatikana hapa"

Badala yake akaandika

"Mtaalamu wa kuchamba na kunyoa anapatikana hapa"

HUYU NAE

COUNTING FINGERS

The teacher asked a little boy,
"What's two and two?"

He counted 1-2-3-4 on his fingers and said,
"Four teacher?"

She said,
"Yes.That's right,but you counted on your fingers.
Put your hands behind your back and tell me what's three and three?"

He put his hands behind his back,fumbled around and answered,
"Six teacher?"

She said,
"Yes,that's right,but you're still counting on your fingers.
Put your hands in your pocket and tell me,what's five and five?"

He put his hands in his pocket,fumbled around and replied,
"Eleven teacher?"

Teacher: Get out!

MAMBO YA KUJIFUNZA

Jamani kuna watu wapo ulimwengu wa peke yao, embu msikie huyu alikua anafundishwa MS WORD, 

si aka type maneno halafu yakaanza kuonyesha mstari mwekundu - kwakuwa aliandika ya kiswahili. 

Akauliza kwanini, 

nikamuambia kompyuta inatambua kuwa hayo sio maneno sahihi ya kiingereza. 

Akasema: 

" Duh, Mzungu kweli kiboko, yaani yeye yupo huko Ulaya, ila anajua kwamba mie hapa nakosea"

69

Johnny wanted to have sex with a lady.

The lady suggested that they should use 69 style.

Johnny asked ''what is 69 style?

The lady answered,''you will put your head on my legs and I will put my head onto your legs''.

Johnny agreed and tried 69 to see how it works.

Immediately as he put his head on the lady's legs,the lady farted It smelled like rotten Garbage.

Johnny immediately removed his head and the lady said am sorry.

Johnny then put back his head onto the lady's legs and she farted again.

Johnny was upset,he stood up,dressed and went outside.

The woman called him back:

"am sorry please don't go?"

Johnny replied,

''If you think am going to remain here waiting for the remaining 67, forget."

BANGI NI MBAYA

Kuna msela flani alivuta Bangi then akaenda buchani.

Ghafla tu...paka akaingia na akaanza kulia

"nyaauuuuuuuuu  nyauuuuuuu!" 

Msela akamwambia muuza nyama 

“huyu paka anataka robo kilo ya maini”

paka akapewa nakula yote.

Kisha akaanza tena "nyaauuuuuuu nyaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuuu"

Msela akamwambia muuza nyama :

”sasa anataka robo kilo ya nyama”

paka akapewa nakula yote, kisha huyo msela akaanza kutoka na kuenda zake.

Mwenye bucha akamwambia huyo msela (mvuta bangi)

“sasa lipa pesa ya robo kilo ya maini na ya nyama aliyokula paka”

Mvuta bangi akajibu 

“mie yananihusu nini? nilikuwa na TAFSIRI tu”

VIRGINITY TEST

Man: I am getting married. How would I know if my wife is a virgin?

Doc : Get a Virginity test kit.

Man: What's that?

Doc : Get a Can of Red Paint, a can of Blue Paint and a hammer.

Man: What ? Are you mad?

Doc : Paint your right Ball Red and Left Ball Blue and as you remove your underwear, if your wife says, 'that's the strangest pair of balls I've ever seen' Hit her head with the hammer !

WADADA MNAWEZA????

A BEGGAR

Beggar:Give me food.

Man: I'll give U Vodka.

Beggar: I don't drink, Give me food.

Man: I'll give U cigarettes.

Beggar: I don't smoke.

Man: I'll take U to race.

Beggar: I don't gamble.

Man: I'll get U girl friend.

Beggar: I love only my wife.

Man: I'll give U food, but first U have to come to my house.

Begger: why?

Man: I want my wife to see what state people get into when they don't Drink, Smoke, Gamble & Love only their own WIFE...

KIPOFU

Mwanadada mmoja ndio alikuwa katoka bafuni kuoga mara akasikia mtu mlangoni anagonga...akachukua towell akajifunga,akaenda kumfungulia mgongaji...Kufungua kumbe ni rafikie kipofu aitwae John.

Dem akampa John kiti akae...alafu akavua towell yake akabaki UCHI.

Akachukua mafuta akaanza kujipaka mapaja na mwili mzima huku akiongea na John...akamuuliza, 

"Vipi John, mbona umepotea hivyo rafiki yangu?"

John akajibu, 

"Nilikuwa China, nilienda kufanyiwa operation ya macho sasa naona vizuri...nimekuja kukualika sherehe niliyoandaa kwa kuona tena."

Unajua kilichofuata hapo..??

JE NI KWELI??

Kundi la wake za watu walikuwa kwenye semina kuhusu namna ya kuishi kwa upendo katika ndoa. Muwezeshaji akauliza, wangapi wanawapenda waume zao? Wote wakanyoosha mikono. Akauliza tena, ‘Mara ya mwisho umemwambia mumeo nakupenda lini?. 

Majibu mbalimbali yalitolewa, Wengine wakisema leo, wengine Jana, wengine hawakumbuki. Kisha akawaambia, kila mtu achukue simu yake halafu amtumie mumewe text yenye maneno. NAKUPENDA MPENZI, kisha wabadilishane simu. 

Wakaambiwa kila moja asome majibu kwenye simu aliyoshika, majibu yalikuwa kama ifuatavyo;

Simu 1- Samahani nani mwenzangu?

Simu 2- He Mama Joji unaumwa?

Simu 3- Nami pia daima

Simu 4- Nini tena umeshagonga gari?

Simu 5- Sijakuelewa una maana gani

Simu 7- Umefanya nini tena? Leo sitakusamehe

Simu 8-Chukua taim yako

Simu 9-?!?

Simu 10- Acha kuzunguka unataka shilingi ngapi?

Simu 11 – Hivi naota?

Simu 12 – Kwa kweli leo usiponieleza hii mesej ulikuwa unampelekea nani atakufa mtu shenzi mkubwa

Simu 13 – Nilishakwambia usirudie kunywa pombe au ntakuacha naona umechoka kuishi na mimi

WAPI NI SAHIHI??

MAMBO YA SELO

SHOES THAT FITS

A woman sought the advice of a sex therapist, confiding that she found it increasingly difficult to find a man who could satisfy her, and that it was very wearisome getting in and out of all these short term relationships.

"Isn't there some way to judge the size of a man's equipment from the outside?" she asked earnestly.

"The only foolproof way, is by the size of his feet," counseled the therapist.

So the woman went downtown and proceeded to cruise the streets, until she came across a young fellow standing in an unemployment line with the biggest feet she had ever laid her eyes on.

She took him out to dinner, wined and dined him, and then took him back to her apartment for an evening of abandon.

When the man woke up the next morning, the woman had already gone but, by the bedside table was a $20 bill and a note that read,

"With my compliments. Take this money and go out and buy a pair of shoes that fit you."

MAMBO YA HEADACHE

On their way home after celebrating their 25th anniversary, the wife thanks her husband for a wonderful evening.

"Oh. it's not over yet," says he.

Once in the house, he gives her a little black velvet box. She opens it in anticipation and finds two little white pills,

"What in the world are these?"

"Aspirin," he replies.

"But I don't have a headache," says she.

"GOTCHA!"

WATEJA WA BAA NAO...

DIRECTIONS TO GIRLFRIEND HOUSE

Girlfriend giving house directions to her Boyfriend

"Come to the front gate of my apartment where you drop me, look for flat 9A, you'll find a lift on your right. Hit 9 with your ELBOW.....get out of the lift you'll find my flat on left.... Hit the doorbell with your ELBOW and I'll get the door for you"

Boyfriend says:- "Dear that seems easy but why am I hitting buttons with my elbows?"

Girlfriend- "0MG! Are you coming empty handed ???"

Boyfriend:- (speechless)..:

MAMBO YA KULALA

MAMBO YA TAARIFA...

Jamaa flani kavunjika miguu yote, baada ya kufikishwa hospitalini mambo yakawa hivi:

DOKTA: "Pole sana, baada ya kukupima kuna mambo mawili, moja la kuhuzunisha na la pili la furaha.

MGONJWA: "Mmmmh...anza na la huzuni."

DOKTA: "Inabidi ukatwe miguu yoteee!"

JAMAA AKAANGUA KILIO SANAAA!!...Alipotulia

MGONJWA: "Na hilo la kufurahisha?"

DOKTA: "Aaaah, ni kwamba kuna jamaa anataka kununua viatu vyakoooo...."

SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP

A wife thought she'd get the truth from her husband since he was drunk.

Wife: You've never smiled at me since we started dating!

Husband: I thought you said you wanted a serious relationship!