ULEVI NI KIMEO

Walevi watatu walikodi taxi usiku toka baa moja Dar kuelekea baa ya Kibaha. 


Dereva Taxi baada ya kuchtukia akawafanyia mchezo achukue hela bila kutumia nguvu! 


Basi akawasha gari kwa dakika 3 halafu akaizima na kuwaambia walevi 


"tayari tumefika Kibaha!" 


Mlevi wa kwanza akatoa pesa elfu 45 na kulipa.


Wa pili akachuka akisema 


"Asante dereva." 


wa tatu baada ya kushuka akaenda hadi mlango wa dereva taxi na kuufungua kisha kimzaba boonge la kibao!


Dereva taxi akaona mbinu yake imegundulika na tayari yuko matatani! 


Lakini yule mlevi aliyemnasa kibao akasema


 "Siku nyingine usiendeshe gari kama Shumaiko!!Ulitaka kutuua?!?!"


(Kwa hisani ya Sekioni "Seki")

WATOTO WENGINE KIMEO

Watoto wengine kimeo

Joti karudi nyumbani siku hiyo akitokea shule huku akiruka ruka na kuimba na kucheza… baba yake, Mpoki, kumuona vile akashangaa, mbona leo dogo anarudi akiwa na furaha namna iyo na haiwi ivo siku zote?

Mpoki akamuuliza 

“eeeh mwanangu imekuaje leo umekua na furaha namna hiyo kuliko siku zote na hata sijawahi kukushuhudia ukiwa namna iyo??...vipi kuna nini mwanangu??”

Joti akajibu

“aisee baba, mwaka huu wala hautahangaika kuninunulia vitabu vipya, madaftari mapya na vingine kama hivo..kwa mwaka mzima”

Mpoki akafurahi akasema 

“ aaa aisee safi sana mwanangu, yani ndio mana nakupenda….."

(gafla akashtuka, akahoji)

“hebu ngoja kwanza…………………….. kwanini unasema sitanunua hivyo vyote umefanyaje mwanangu??”

Joti akajibu kwa kujiamini

“aaaah si nimerudia darasa lile lile baba...”

WAONYESHE KITAMBULISHO

Afisa mmoja kaenda kwenye shamba la miti kukagua, 


msimamizi akamwambia,


" Usiingie sasa hivi." 


Afisa akatoa kitambulisho cha kazi akamwambia 


''We nani wa kunizuia? Unaona kitambulisho?" 


Jamaa akamwambia pitaa we mtu mzito bwana. 


Kupita tuu akaanza kupiga makelele 


''Nyukii nakufaaaa, nyuki nisaidie'' 


Jamaa akamwambia huku akikimbia mbaali.., 


"Waonyeshe kitambulisho."

VIOJA PORINI

Jamaa kashushwa porini akiwa UCHI baada ya kutekwa na majambazi..!ghafla akakutana na simba uso kwa macho.

Simba kumuona jamaa akatimua mbio kinomaa..! 


Nyani aliyekuwa mbali kwenye mti alishuhudia show nzima, aliamua kumuuliza SIMBA 


"mbona alitimua mbio mbele ya kitoweo."

Simba akajibu kwa upole...


"Ww nyani ulishawai wapi kumuona mnyama mwenyewe mkia mbele?"

HUYO MTOTO NI NANI???

Vengu alimuita Masanja kisha akamuuliza....


"wazazi wangu wana mtoto... na huyo mtoto sio dada yangu na wala sio kaka yangu... je huyo mtoto ni nani??"


masanja akafikiria na kufikiria kisha akaona hana ujanja akamjibu


" dah....mi sijui kwa kweli..jibu lake ni nini??"


Vengu akacheka...


" hahahaha...jibu lake ni mimi ndio huyo mtoto"


Masanja baada ya apo akaondoka zake akaona dah kumbe swali lilikua rahisi namna ile akaona ngoja nae akampate wa kwake kumuuliza.... akamfuata Mpoki.


Masanja: "Mpoki eeeh..... kuna swali apa"


Mpoki: (kwa majigambo kama kawa) "Uliza tu hakuna nitakachoshindwa"


Masanja: " wazazi wangu wana mtoto.... na huyo mtoto sio kaka yangu na wala sio dada yangu....Je huyo mtoto ni nani??"


Mpoki aawazaaa na kufikiri pasuipo kupata jibu akamwambia masanja


"hebu ngoja kidogo"


Mpoki akamfuata Joti


Mpoki: "Joti eeh..... kuna swali apa...eti wazazi wako wana mtoto na huto mtoto sio kaka yako na wala sio dada yako je huyo mtoto ni nani??"


Joti: (kicheko cha kimdobwedo) "hahahahaha yakhee.... kweli we hamnazo... misifa yote hujui ilo??"


Mpoki: "aaah sasa kejeli za nini si unipe jibu kama wajua??"


Joti: "Jibu lake ni mimi"


Mpoki akafurahi na baada ya apo akatoka nduki kurudi kwa Masanja akasema (kwa kujiamini)


" kaswali kako karahisi nimekapatia jibu"


Masanja: " haya sema jibu lake nini?"


Mpoki: "huyo mtoto ni Joti"


Masanja: (akacheeka) " hahahahahaha umekosaaaaaaa....mwanawane""


Mpoki:....( kwa mshangao): " aaah kivipi sasa??"


Masanja: "jibu lake, huyo mtoto ni Vengu"

VITENDAWILI BALAA....

Wakuvwanga kaagiza wenzie wa komedi watege vitendawili,


Mpoki akasema "kitendawili" 


Wakuvwanga akajibu ''tega" 


Mpoki akasema "NIVUE NGUO NIKUPE UTAMU..!" 


Wakuvwanga kwa hasira akasema 


"pumbavu mshenzi mlanisi wewe nani anakufundisha upuuzi huo?" 


Mpoki akajibu "oyaa  kama hujui si useme tu.! 


Jibu lake ni NDIZI"

WATOTO WENGINE TUWE MAKINI NAO...

Siku ya kufunga shule mzazi mmoja kaenda na mwanae shule,sherehe zikaanza wanafunzi wakawa wanapewa vyeti na zawadi kadri ya uwezo wao.

Mtoto wa jamaa yetu hakutajwa hata jina.

Mzazi akaangalia wale watoto waliofanya vizuri akamwambia mwanawe,

BABA:"Wale sasa ndio watoto,mbona mungu kaninyima."

Wakaondoka na kuelekea kituo cha basi kuwahi basi la kuenda kwao.Wakati huo huo wazazi kadhaa wenye magari wakawa wanachukua watoto wao.Mtoto akaangalia wale wazazi na kumwambia babake

MTOTO:"Wale sasa ndio wazazi mbona mungu kaninyima."

NANI HUYU???

KATUVUNJA SANA MBAVU ZETU HUYU

SIO KILA UOANACHO.....

MAPENZI YA KWELI....

ULINZI MKALI....

UTAMU WA POMBE

KAMA UMEGUNDUA AJALIA YOTE HIYO LAKINI BADO POMBE HAIJAATHIRIKA IKO SALAMA SALIMINI..


WE UNAWEZA??

MAMBO YA MAGAMBA SIO.....!!

HATA UKO PIA??

Mchungaji flani baada ya kumaliza sala akawambia waumini wafumbe macho ili waombe.

Walipofumba macho wote mchungaji akaingiza mkono kwenye sanduku la sadaka na kuiba pesa....ile anatoa mkono akakutana uso kwa uso na mzee aliyekuwa anaingia kanisani.

Mchungaji akasema "Amebarikiwa mtu yule anayeshuhudia kwa macho yake na kubaki kimya..."

Mzee akamalizia "Kwa sababu atapata malipo yake baada ya ibada!"

WE UNANIJUA??

A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.....

On his first day, he dialled the kitchen and shouted into the phone:

"Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded:

"You fool; you've dialled the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"

"No" replied the trainee.

"It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!"

The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you IDIOT?"

"No!" replied the Managing Director angrily.

"Thank God!" replied the trainee and put the phone down.....

WALEVI VITUKO

Riverside bar (dar) kulikuwa na kikao cha harusi kikiendelea huku wahusika wakionekana wako makini sana.

Pembeni kidogo alikaa mlevi mmoja akiongea na kucheka kwa sauti kubwa mpaka akawa anawakera wenye kikao mana hawasikilizani.

mwenyekiti wa kikao hicho akaenda kuzungumza nae 

MWENYEKITI:  Kijana samahani tunaomba upunguze makelele ya kucheka tuna kikao muhimu sana ..samahani lkn. 

basi baadaya dk 10 mlevi alionekana kutetemeka mpaka watu wengine wakaogopa mwenyekiti alimfuata tena na kumuuliza.. 

M/KITI: kijana vipi mbona unatetemeka kwa nguvu namna hiyo??? 

MLEVI: we si umenikataza kucheka kwa nguvu basi nimeamua kuweka VIBRATION

JIPE UJIKO MWENYEWE WAKATI MWINGINE

   "Self Appraisal"

A little boy went into a drug store, reached for a soda carton and pulled it over to the telephone. He climbed onto the carton so that he could reach the buttons on the phone and proceeded to punch in seven digits (phone numbers).

The store-owner observed and listened to the conversation:

Boy: "Lady, Can you give me the job of cutting your lawn?

Woman: (at the other end of the phone line): "I already have someone to cut my lawn."

Boy: "Lady, I will cut your lawn for half the price of the person who cuts your lawn now."

Woman: I'm very satisfied with the person who is presently cutting my lawn.

Boy: (with more perseverance) : "Lady, I'll even sweep
your curb and your sidewalk, so on Sunday you will
have the prettiest lawn in all of Palm beach , Florida."

Woman: No, thank you.

With a smile on his face, the little boy replaced the receiver. The store-owner, who was listening to all this, walked over to the boy.

Store Owner: "Son... I like your attitude; I like that positive spirit and would like to offer you a job."

Boy: "No thanks,

Store Owner: But you were really pleading for one.

Boy: No Sir, I was just checking my performance at the
job I already have. I am the one who is working for that lady I was talking to!"


This is what we call "Self Appraisal"

MSAADA UNAHITAJIKA

Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?

Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.

Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan !

Operator: Yes I understand you want to speak to anyone. You can speak to me . Who is this?

Caller: I'm Sam Wan . And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.

Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone ! But what's this urgent matter about?

Caller: Well... Just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital..

Operator : Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You May find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!

Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?

MAFUNDI NAO WANAPATA TABU

Jamaa kapeleka simu yake kwa fundi....

jamaa: ebana simu yangu kimeo hata sijui ni nini..!

Fundi: vp inafanyeje mpaka useme kimeo??

Jamaa: aaaah, yaani siku nzima yani inaweza pita hata haiiti bwana yani sipigiwi..kabisa.

(fundi akatest ringtone na kukuta ziko safi)

Fundi: sasa ndugu yangu kama hakuna aliyekupigia itaitaje?

Jamaa: we nawe vipi hii kimeo nakwambia mbona ya Masanjawani inaita tena sana kila baada ya mda anapigiwa..iweje hii isiwe kama ile??

Fundi na watu wengine hoi......

VIOJA HOTELINI

Jamaa kaenda kwa hoteli na kuagiza msosi..wali maharage na nyama… alipoanza kula akakutana na jiwe la kwanza…kidogo la pili…mara la tatu…..akaita muhudumu

Jamaa: we muhudumu hebu njoo apa..

Mhudumu: nimekuja ndugu mteja nini tatizo??

Jamaa: mbona chakula chenu kinakua hivi kinaiva nusu nusu tu??

Muhudumu: samahani sijakuelewa unamaanisha nini Kwamba kimeiva nusu?

Jamaa: mawe kwenye wali hayajaiva…

(WATEJA WENGINE HOI KWA VICHEKO.... JAPO KASEMA JAMBO LA UKWELI)

UKWELI MTUPU

UBAYA WA MEDIA

TATIZO HILI....

ALAMA ZA BARABARANI

HII INA MAANA KATA KONA

MAPENZI KIBOKO

Kulikua na jamaa mmoja alikua anampenda saana demu mmoja hivi ila tatizo alikua anaogopa kumweleza kwa Bahati nzuri alikua akiwasiliana nae kwa simu ila kikawaida. Akashindwa kabisa kumwambia kuwa anampenda.

Siku moja aakaamua kujitoa muhanga, akiwa hom anajiandaa kulala akaanda msg kumtumia Yule mrembo.

Akaandika “I LOVE YOU” na kuituma msg

Kisha akaweka simu pembeni asitake kusoma kama kutakua na ujumbe umerudi mana alikua akihofia ni jibu gani atapewa…basi kwa woga na kutetemeka akajitahidi mpaka akalala, baada ya mda akasikia mlio wa simu ukiashiria kuna msg mpya akajipa moyo at least kajibiwa hivyo jibu litakua zuri, akaona bora alale kisha asubuhi aisome msg iwe kama surprise kwake kwa jibu atakalo pewa..

Ilipofika asubuhi akafungua simu ili asome ujumbe aliojibiwa..ile kufungua akakutana na surprise ya kutosha,,wajua ni ujumbe gani??

Hehehehe wataka kujua??

Ona ni huu……..

“NDUGU MTEJA, TUNASIKITIKA YA KWAMBA HUNA SALIO LA KUTOSHA KUWEZA KUFANYA HUDUMA HII, TAFADHALI ONGEZA SALIO LAKO, tiGO EXPRESS YOURSELF”

KUNA UKWELI HAPA??

Q - What is the difference between a mother and a wife? 



A - One woman brings you into this world crying....
        ......the other woman ensures you continue to do so. 

SIPATI PICHA BAADA YA APO IKAWAJE

MMMMH.... HII NI VIPI??

TATIZO LA SPIKA NA MIC KWA SIMU

SHUKRANI KUTOKA KWA GRADUETIS

MABAUNSA....

kwa hisani ya masanjawani...mdau wa ukweli

HAPA HAMNA KITU PIPA NA MFUNIKO WAKE

WALEVI NI RUBUDANI TU

Ukiambiwa pombe ni kimeo kazima ukubali….. hasa ikimzidi mtu!

Hawa walevi wana vituko sana mana wakishalewa tu hujiamini na wanaona kila kitu ni sahihi kwao…unaweza kujiuliza inakuaje mtu anakua namna ile…hebu msikie huyu….

Jamaa alikua amelewa sana, wakati anadrive kurudi mahome kwake njiani akasimamishwa na trafiki….ona ilivokua!

TRAFIKI: habari yako?

MLEVI: (kwa sauti ya kilevi) niko pouwa kabisa…nini shida yako!?

TRAFIKI: (akastuka kuwa jamaa kalewa mbaya) wee hebu shuka chini??

MLEVI: aaah mi nimelewa sana siwezi hata simama kama vipi we ingia ndani!!

Trafiki hoi hakuamini…

TRAFIKI: waendesha huku umelewa, hebu twende kituoni!

MLEVI: hapana mzee, mi naenda home saivi sielekei uko…kama unataka lifti panda hutaki mi natembea….! (vuuum akiwasha gari na kuondoka)

Trafiki alishindwa hata kuchukua namba ya gari kwa mshangao!

KUNA MAONI??

HABARI ZENU WADAU WA HII BLOGU??

LENGO KUU LA HII BLOGU NI KUPAMBANA DHIDI YA ADUI NA NDULI MKUBWA AMBAYE WADHUNGU WANAMUITA STRESS...

UWAPO KAZINI, NYUMBANI, BARABARANI, AU POPOTE PALE UMESTAREHE WAWEZA IPATA BLOGU YAKO KWENYE SIMU AU LAPTOP AU KOMPYUTA....

TUFUNGUKE TUSHIRIKI KATIKA HII VITA DHIDA YA STRESS

KARIBUNI SANA NA KAMA UNA MAONI USISITE KUYATOA..!!!