UKWELI HUU

TAHNKS FOR NOTICING THIS NOTICE

MADE SPECIFICALLY

KALETE STOOL SAMPLE UPIMWE...

BINGWA WA KUUCHUNA

Kati ya wafuatao yupi anajua KUUCHUNA? 

1) Juha: Nilimpigia simu mke wangu akapokea hakusema 'hallow! Nami nikauchuna. Sikuongea mpk pesa zote zikaisha simu ikakata!

2) Zoba: Niligonga mlango mke wangu akafungua, lakini hakuniambia karibu nikasimama palepale mlangoni mpk kesho yake nikageuza nikaondoka.

3) Zuzu: Tangu nimuoe mke wangu hajaniita mpenzi, nimegoma kulala naye hadi leo ni miaka 6.

Wenzake wakamwambia: Wee muongo, mbona una watoto wawili?

Zuzu akajibu: mpaka leo sijamuuliza watoto ni wanani? NIMEUCHUNA

MCHIZI KIMEO...

Pilot flani alikuwa anasafirisha machizi kutoka Milembe.

Chizi mmoja akatoka nyuma akaenda hadi kwa pilot.

CHIZI:"Mi nataka unifundishe kuendesha ndege."

PILOT:"Poa lakini enda kwanza uwaambie wenzako huko nyuma wanyamaze....wana kelele sana."

Chizi akaenda baada ya tym kuka nyamaza,akarudi kwa pilot.

PILOT:"Umewafanyaje hao...mbona wamenyamaza."

CHIZI:"Nimewafungulia mlango nikawaambia wakacheze nje!"

NJIA ZA KUFUNDISHIA

KUNA BAADHI YA NJIA NI UTATA..

hasa ukiwa unajaribu kufundisha hesabu....itabidi zibadilike.... mfano ni huu..

Mwalimu: ukiwa na maembe matano (5) halafu mi nikaja nikachukua manne (4), je we utabakiwa na nini??

Mwanafunzi: aisee nitabakiwa na HASIRA SANA....

eeeh kwani kakosa??

NYANI...

Kulikuwa na nyani mmoja ambaye alichoka kuishi, akatafuta njia za kujiua akashindwa. Akaamua aende kumchokoza simba aliyekuwa amepumzika ili aliwe tu. 

Alimchokoza kwa kumchomachoma na vidole sehemu za nyuma. Ghafla Simba akashtuka.

SIMBA: nani huyo anayenichoma na vidole nyuma?

NYANI: Ni mimi nyani.

SIMBA: Kuna mwingine yeyote aliyeona wakati unafanya hivyo?

NYANI: Hakuna.

SIMBA: Basi fanya tena...!

POMBEEEE

A Man sitting in a Pub with his wife and he said '' I LOVE YOU''

Her wife asked: ''Is that You or the Beer talking!?''

A Man (replied): ''yeah it is Me talking to the BEER''

CHEKI HUYU MCHUNGAJI WA KICHAGA

Mchungaji: Nasema pepo toka katika jina la Yesu!

Pepo: sitoki!!!

Mchungaji: shindwa pepo! Toka na mwache huyu mtumishi wa Mungu!

Pepo: sitoki. Nimemwingia huyu mtu ili ashinde bahati nasibu ya milioni 100! 

Mchungaji(mchaga): toka shetan nasema toka haraka na uniingie mimi mara moja!

WATU WENGINE VIMEO

Mwalimu alimkuta jamaa fulani anakojoa katika fence ya shule mwalimu akamuuliza 

"we kijana, hujaliona hilo bango hapo?" 

akalisoma "USIKOJOE HAPA" 

jamaa akajibu 

"nimeliona ila nilidhani ni jina la shule"

kwa hisani ya masanjawani

MMASAI NA BIASHARA

Mmasai alikua anauza matunda, maembe. akaja mnunuzi

Mnunuzi: habari? unauzaje maembe?

Mmsai: salama. nausa mia tatu (300) moja

Muuzaji: (akayaesabu yapo kumi) akasema niuzie yote!

Mmasai: (akastuka) Yeroo!.. nikiusia wewe yote mi tabaki nausa nini?? hebu nenda kule

LUGHA KUTOELEWA...

The priest got sick of people confessing to adultery, they decided If you committed adultery they would say they had "fallen.

A new priest 

arrived, one day he told the mayor, 

"people come into the confessional & keep talking about having fallen." 

The mayor laughed realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code. 

"I don't know what you're laughing about, your wife fell three times this week."

HUYO KIMEO BALAA

Mapasta watatu wamekutana wanaongea:

Pasta 1: Tatizo langu mimi ni wizi, kila baada ya ibada lazima nikwapue sadaka za waumini, pls niombeeni kwa Mungu niache hii tabia.

Pasta 2: Tatizo langu mimi ni wanawake, kila mwanamke ninayemuona natamani kulala naye, inifakti nimelala karibu na waimbaji wote wa kike wa kwaya na wake za waumini. Pls pls niombeeni niachane na hii tabia.

Pasta wa tatu akaanza kulia. 

Wenzake wakamuuliza wewe vipi? 

Akajibu: Tatizo langu mimi ni umbea! Tukitoka tu hapa lazima nikaanze kutangaza kila kitu mlichosema. Niombeeni jamani hii tabia niiache!

Nani anahitaji kuombewa zaidi? Akili kumkichwa.

NANI MJANJA....???

Mpoki na Joti waliingia supamaketi, wakaanza kuzunguka na kuangalia vitu mbali mabali, wakiendelea kuwa bize wanaangalia Mpoki akaiba Chocolate 3 na kuficha pasipo kuonekana.

baadae walipotoka nje Mpoki akamwambia Joti

"aisee, mi ni noooma, huwezi amini nimeiba hizi chokoleti 3 na hakuna aliyeniona, we huniwezi kabisa"

Joti akasema

"aah, unataka uone mambo yangu, turudi supamaketi pale nikuonyeshe wizi wa ukweli "

wakarudi supamaketi na kuelekea kaunta wakamkuta muuzaji.

Joti akamuuliza

"unataka kuona mazingaombwe??"

muuza akajibu " ndio, onyesha"

Joti akasema

"nipe chokoleti moja"

akapewa, Joti akaila yoote

Joti akaomba tena nyingine, akapewa na kuila, kisha akaomba ya tatu akapewa na kuila.

kufika apo muuzaji akaona mmh nini kinaendelea ikabidi ahoji

"mazingaombwe yenyewe yako wapi mana unakula tu chokoleti""

Joti akamjibu

"angalia kwenye mifuko ya rafiki yangu utaziona chokoleti zako"

NANI MJANJA??

AKILI NYINGI

Baba alimuandikia barua mwanae aliefungwa jela kwa wizi....

Baba;Mwanangu, mwaka huu ntashindwa kulima viazi kwa kukosa msaada wako.....

Mtoto;Tafadhali ucthubutu kulima hilo shamba baba mana ndipo nilipofukia hela zote nilizoziiba.......!!!!!

Polisi wakaikamata hiyo barua, kesho yake wakaenda wakatifua shamba lote bila kupata hela zozote!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mtoto akamuandikia baba barua ingine....

Mtoto;Huo ndio msaada pekee nnaoweza kukusaidia baba, sasa unaweza kulima viazi katika shamba lako!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MALOWYA HAO...

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food." the poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then."

"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"

"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.

"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.

"Bring them as well!"

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall."

MAMBO YA FACEBOOK

Charmer:::: Hello Sweet Girl

Sweetgal:::: Hi Lover Boy!

Charmer:::: Can I know you 

more please?

Sweetgal:::: 17, female, sweet lips,booty licious n' delicious, live in Avondale and you?

Charmer:::: Mmmmmh, I am in love already.I’m 52, male, 6 pack, big Chest, live in Avondale.

Sweetgal:::: You're 52? OMG! 

Serious. Same age as my dad?

Charmer:::: I’m just so into fresh young beautiful girls. 

Sweetgal:::: Do you have a wife?

Charmer:::: Yes, but not as sexy as you, I have a daughter, she is in her bedroom with her friend doing homework.

Sweetgal:::: Then why do you like young girls?

Charmer:::: I love them because they are beautiful not to mention sexy n' wit fresh boobs n' booty

Sweetgal:::: I am also into older men with iPhones, ipads, cash and driving expensive cars.

Charmer:::: I can offer all of that and even more.

Sweetgal:::: I think we shud meet because you are in Avondale and I am also here.

Charmer:::: That would be nice, where do I pick you up 

tomorrow with my new BMW X6 sexy girl?

Sweetgal:::: Tomorrow I am goin to school it won’t be possible.

Charmer:::: Or maybe over the weekend,going to school is very important.

Sweetgal:::: While still chatting let me continue with my homework I don’t want my dad to know that i have a BlackBerry, he will be mad at me.

Charmer:::: Which homework is that? may be I can assist you.

Sweetgal:::: It's a Biology assignment and my friend Lucy is assisting me.

Charmer:::: Hey, your friend’s name is Lucy?

Sweetgal:::: Yes.

Charmer:::: Exactly where in Avondale are you?

Sweetgal:::: House number 5 and you?

Charmer:::: Mercy!!! is that you???

Sweetgal:::: Dad, is that you???

SIKU ALIPOJIFUNZA MAANA YA VALENTINE

Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.  "Since Valentine's day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"

David's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," David says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden," his father asks in shock.

"Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot.  And then
he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with newfound pride.

"David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of him."

LITTLE JOHNNY

Little Johnny came home from school one day slightly confused. His mother was Jewish and his father was Hispanic.

So Johnny says,

"Mum, am I more Jewish or more Hispanic?"

"What does it really matter? You'll just have to ask your father", his mother tells him.

So Johnny's father gets home from work and Johnny asks the same question,

"Dad, am I more Jewish or more Hispanic?"

"What kind of a question is that, does it really matter? Why do you want to know if you're more Jewish or more Hispanic?" asks his dad.

"Well, it's like this dad. Tommy down the street wants to sell his bicycle for $50, I don't know whether to talk him down to $25, or wait till dark and steal the fucking thing!"

MAJIBU NDO HAYA

MWALIMU: Ukiwa unatoka Arusha ukipita MLANDIZI kituo kinachofuata kinaitwaje?

MWANAFUNZI: Kituo kinachofuata kitakuwa kinaitwa MLAEMBE.

=======================================================

MTOTO: Mama nimemwomba baba hela ya kusuka akaninyoa nywele! 

MAMA: Una bahati mwanangu ungemwomba hela ya Whitedent angekung'oa meno!

======================================================

Ticha: Ni vitu gani unapaswa kuandaa ukitaka kupanda Mlima Kilimanjaro?

Denti: Kwanza ununue mbegu za mlima wenyewe na pia inabidi uwe na trekta la kuandaa shamba mapema.

=============================================================

SOLUTION YA UKWELI

HALIOSHWI

INAWEZEKANA

UCHIZI MWINGINE BANA

ZIROOOO

JAMAA NOMA

Tanzania inakuaje pale???

mambo ya demo

ANASCAN COMPUTER FOR VIRUS

HUMUWEZI HUYU

Kuna jamaa watatu walifanya makosa makubwa saaana na wakaadhibiwa kifo. siku yao ya kufa walipelekwa hadi mahali pale walitakiwa wauwawe.


wakaambiwa ya kwamba kuna njia tatu unaweza ukafa na unaruhusiwa kuchagua yoyote katika hizi nazo ni
1. Kupigwa risasi ya kichwa na utakufa papo hapo
2. kunyongwa kwa ghafla na utakufa sekunde hiyohiyo
3. Upigwe sindano za virusi vingi vya UKIMWI na uendee uishi na upate mateso kisha ufe.


jamaa wa kwanza akasema mi nachagua kupigwa risasi.... basi mara moja akawekwa watu wakambutua akafa......


wa pili nae akaulizwa wachagua nini??


akajibu " dah bora mninyonge fasta tu nijifie"


basi bila kupoteza mda hata sekunde mbili hazijapita jamaa akafa


wa tatu akaulizwa na wewe je??


kwa kujiamini kabisa akasema mi nipigeni sindano za virusi....


jamaa wakashtuka... lakini wakaona haina neno mana walimpa chaguo basi wakamkandamiza sindano la kwanza la virusi vya UKIMWI....


wakati zoezi likiendelea jamaa alikua anacheka saaana tena kwa kujiamini hadi walipo maliza ndio akazidi kucheka saana..


wala wauwaji wakasema duh huyu jamaa vipi?? wakashauriana ngoja tumuongezee sindano nyingine..


wakamdunga ya pili


yaani mda huo jamaa ndio full kucheka kwa nguvu tena na kugala gala


ikabidi wamuhoji


"oyaa wee una matatizo gani?.... mzima kweli wewe??.... yaani tunakupiga sindano za UKIMWI lakini wapi ndio kwanza wacheka na kufurahi...... nini kinakufanya ucheke namna hiyo??"




jamaa akajibu


"yaani katika watu wajinga nimekutana nao duniani nyie ni namba moja.... mnanichoma sindano za UKIMWI wakati mie nimevaa Kondom hapa..... hahahahahaha sipati kitu""


jamaa wakaduwaaaa....

TUNAPOELEKEA NDIO HUKU.....

VIBWEKA VYA MAFUTA

MAMBO YA MAOMBI

Kwenye maombi KANISANI...

MDADA (Lara): E Bwana nisaidie nipate mume lakini ,vunja vunja nguvu zote zitakazosababisha nipate mume mfupi, tengua mipango yote ya kuniletea mume mfupi....


Jirani kulikuwa na bwana mfupi sana nae anaomba hivi..

SHOTI (George): E Bwana asante kwa kunifanya bilionea asante sana Bwana sasa naomba mke, naomba mwenza wa kutumia nae mali uliyonipa


kusikia vile

MDADA(Lara): Bwana naona umesikia ombi langu, nisamehe kwa kujidai nachagua hata huyu jirani atanifaa tu.

TEMBO NI NOMA

Siku moja simba aliamka akiwa amechoka sana na mning'inio kutoka na kazi ya usiku uliopita na shibe yake... sasa kutoka na kujisikia uchovu akaona ngoja aondoe uchovu fasta fasta akatoka uku akijitapa na kuunguruma kwa sauti ya juu....


mbele kidogo akamkuta Sungura.. akamuungurumia kwa sauti na kusema


"nani ni mnyama mkuu humu mbugani kooote???"


Sungura kwa sauti ya woga na kutetemeka akajibu


"ni wewe mfalme wetu wa nyika"


simbaa akaridhika akamuacha Sungura kisha akaendelea mbele, akakutana na mbwa mwitu kwa staili ile ile


"nakuuliza wewe, ni nani mnyama mkuu na mwenye mamlaka humu mbugani kwetu"


mbwa mwitu kwa kuufyata mkia na kutetemeka akajiu kwa sauti ya chini ni kigugumizi cha kulia


"ni,,,we..we mkuu na mfalme we tu nyika"


simba akazidi kujiona yuko safi zadi akasogea mbele akamkuta tembo akamkoromea tena


"wewe... nauliza ni nani mfalme na mkuu wa nyika yoote hii??"


tembo akakerwa na ule mkelele wa simba hivyo akamdaka simba na mkonge wake kisha akambamiza kwenye miti mara zaidi ya kumi na kumwaga chini, akampiga teke akajigonga kwenye mtu na kutua chini kisha akamsinya na guu lake


simba kwa sauti ya maumivu na ya kipooole kabisa akagumia maumivu "mmmmmh"


baada ya apo tembo akamuachia simba na kusepa zake


simba akajikongoja na kuinuka na kusema


"sasa na wewe kama hujui jibu la swali si ungeuchuna tu... ya nini kunibonda namna hii??"