BOSS VS LEADER

FIRST TIME

Masawe gets married, and on his wedding night calls his father to get some tips on what to do since he had never been with a woman before.

"So what do I do first?"

His father: "Take her clothes off and lay
her on the bed"

5 minutes later Masawee is on the phone again.

"She's naked and in bed what do I do
now?" His father can't believe what he is hearing,

"Take your damn clothes off and get into bed with her."

After another 5 minutes Masawee is on the phone again.

"Dad, I'm naked and in bed with her,

what do I do now?"

His father's patience is now running out so he says,"stupid son, do I have to spell everything out to you? Just put the hardest thing on your body where she pees. Good night !!!!"

Just when his father starts snoring, his son is on the phone again.

"OK Dad, I have my head in the toilet bowl what do I do now?"

"Drown yourself, you bloody idiot!" 

ZUZU TASLIMU

MSICHANA: Namchukia mvulana wangu.

ZUZU: Kwa nini?

MSICHANA: Yaani ni mtu wa bei rahisi sana, hawezi hata kuninunulia dinner. Hivi wanaume wote mpo hivyo?

ZUZU: Hapana. huyo yeye tu, sisi hatupo namna hiyo. Hata mimi sipo namna hiyo.

MSICHANA: Nakwenda kuachana nae leo hii hii.

ZUZU: Sawa. Ila utakapoachana nae, unaweza kuja kwangu, sina msichana halafu nakuhitaji sana.

MSICHANA: (Akasimama na kutaka kuondoka, ZUZU akamshika mkono)

ZUZU: Ndio unataka kuondoka? Unakwendawapi sasa?

MSICHANA: Nakwenda kuvunja uhusiano na yeye ili niwe nawe kwa uhuru.

ZUZU: Hapana. Huwezi kuondoka.

MSICHANA: Kwa nini?

ZUZU: Sasa ukiondoka nani atakayelipia hiki chakula tulichokula!

KWELI MTUPU

A lawyer hopes U get into trouble. 

A doctor hopes U fall ill. 

An undertaker hopes U fall dead. 

Only a thief wishes U well...

nini sasa unabisha????

GETTING OLD

Two old men were sitting in the yard outside the care home one day when Tim turned to the other and said "John I'm really feeling my age today I just hurt all over, how are you feeling?

John replied "I feel just like a new born babe"

Tim looked at him startled "A New Born babe really?"

"Yep, I have no hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants." 

USHUZI

Haha Andunje alijamba (kwa sauti na harufu kali) darasani basi mwalimu wa somo la hisabati akamtoa nje ya darasa.

Akiwa nje akaanza kucheka kwa nguvu peke yake,

mara mwalimu mkuu akapita na kumuuliza.

M/mkuu: haya we Andunje unacheka nini na kwanini uko nje ya darasa?

Andunje: nilijamba darasani sasa mwalimu akanitoa nje ya darasa, sasa kinachonifurahisha ni kwamba mimi niko nje navuta hewa safi kabisa wao wako darasani wanapata tabu na harufu ya ushuzi wangu.

Muwe na siku njema

WHERE DO YOU LIVE?

Police: Where do you live?

Small Boy: with my parents.

Police: Where do your parents live?

Small Boy: With me.

Police: And where do you live all?

Small Boy: Together

Police: Where is Your Home?

Small Boy: Beside my neighbors' house.

Police: Where is your neighbors' house?

Small Boy: If I tell you, you won't believe me.

Police: Tell me?

Small Boy: Next to my house.

FUNNY COURT CONVERSATION

TOO FUNNY NOT TO PASS ON!!
How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

NANI MBABE

sikiliza mazungumzo haya...

wikipedia: ninajua kila kitu

google: nina kila kitu

facebook: namjua kila mtu

internet: bila mimi hamna kitu

umeme: endeleeni kuongea....

SUPER GLUE

Fred and Mary got married but couldn't afford a honeymoon, so they went back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first night together. 

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, got up and had his breakfast. 

As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet. 

She replies, 'No'. 

Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?' 

His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.' 

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?' 

She replies, 'No.' 

Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?' 

His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school ' 

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?' 

His mom says, 'No.' He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Ok, now tell me what you think?' 

He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline, and I think..I gave him my super glue.'

ANDUNJE

Andunje aliingia chumbani kwa wazazi wake na kuwabamba akawauliza

"Baba, mnafanya nini?"

Baba yake akamjibu

"namdunda mama yako"

Andunje akakaa kwa mda akitafakari kwa huzuni kabisa na sauti ya kipole

"Mama, jamani sasa ni kosa gani umefanya mpaka ustahili adhabu kubwa namna hiyo?? yaani leo tu peke yake umepigwa na wanaume wanne tofauti,

Kwanza, alikua mlinzi Masanja, badae ikawa huyu housiboy Vengu, akafuata muuza magazeti, Mpoki na sasa baba.

Kwanini lakini? we Mama utakua mtundu na mkorofi saaana"

BAADA YA APO

Andunje kwa sasa anaishi kwa shangazi yake, Mama Belle,

Baba yake yupo rumande kwa kosa la kuua

Mazishi ya mama yake yamepangwa kufanyika wikiendi hii

vp utahudhuria?? 

KUFUNDISHA MTOTO

Mama: "Mwanangu,njoo nikufundishe hesabu.." 

Dogo: "Haya mama." 

Mama: "Kwa mfano shangazi yako akikupa maandazi mawili, halafu akakupa tena maandazi mawili jibu lako litakuwa nini?" 

Dogo: "Asante shangazi."

MUUZA SAMAKI NA MTEJA

Mteja; Samaki bei gani?

Muuzaji; 2500.

Mteja; Mwisho?

Muuzaji; Mkiani.

Mteja; Mbona samaki mwenyewe kalegea?

Muuzaji; Labda alikua shoga baharini.

UNDERSTAND???

TRY

HADI MBINGUNI

WATOTO WA SIKU HIZI

BABA: Mwanangu soma kwa bidii.. usitarajie kabisa kurithi Nyumba na mali zangu!

MTOTO: Kwanini??

BABA: Usione hii nyumba ilivyo nzuri na hizi mali zoote, Nimezipata kwa JASHO!

MTOTO: Basi zima hiyo A.C Niskie JASHO na mimi Nipate Nyumba na mali zangu!

SOKSI ZA BABA

Mwalimu aliuliza swalI darasani,

Nitajie Kitu chochote chenye harufu kali na mbaya zaidi ya Mzoga na Choo

Juma Akanyoosha kidole akajibu "NI SOKSI ZA BABA"

MATEJA NOMA

niliwakuta mateja wanaangua maembe sasa kwa bahati mbaya pembeni ya embe kulikua na tawi kubwa linawazuia shabaha yao kulilenga embe lianguke... 

mmoja akapanda akalivuta tawi la embe pembeni kukwepesha lile tawi kubwa kisha akashuka chini wakaendelea kutungua....

PRAYING BEFORE MEAL

In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear.

In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could. The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim.

Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some religion!"

The skies darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused.

Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said, "Thank you God, for the food I'm about to receive..."

AKPOS

Once Akpos went to a electronic shop, he asked the shopkeeper" what is the price of this TV ?".

The shopkeeper answered "we don't sell our products to Akpos".

Akpos again came next day by cutting his beard and asked "what is the price of this TV ?".

The shopkeeper replied "we don't sell our products to Akpos".

The next day Akpos came with a differnt face and asked "what is the price of this TV ?".

The shopkeeper replied "we don't sell our products to Akpos".

Finally Akpos got irritated and asked the shopkeeper" how do you recognise me every time ?"

The shopkeeper replied "this is not TV it is Microwave"

WHO???

TEACHER...Who created the earth??

(boy pokes a girl's back with a pencil)

Girl..oh God

TEACHER...Good,,correct answer

TEACHER...who was born on 25th december
(boy pokes the girl's back)

Girl...Oh Jesus

TEACHER....very good..correct answer

TEACHER...what did Eve tell Adam when they had their 17th baby??

(boy pokes the girl's back once again)

Girl...if you stick that thing on me once more,am going to BREAK it into half

Teacher fainted

BUSINESS FAILURE

TEACHER: Give an example of business failure due to carelessness.. 

ANDUNJE: Real Madrid failing to win the Copa del Rey at the Bernabeu

GLASSES

ANDUNJE: Doctor, I think I need glasses.. 

CASHIER: You certainly do! This is a bank

PERIOD

TEACHER: Why are u late, do u know that u missed a Period.. 

ANDUNJE: OMG, please don't tell me that I am pregnant

RANGI GANI??

Jamaa alipeleka gari lake kwa fundi lipakwe rangi!

Fundi akauliza, "Lipakwe rangi gani?"

Jamaa akasema,

"Yeyote isipokuwa nyekundu, nyeupe, bluu, manjano, kijani, wairdi, nyeusi, chockleti, kijivujivu, maziwa, zambarau, orange...(na nyingi nyengnezo akazitaja!)
Lini nije kulichukua gari langu?"

Fundi akamjibu 

"Njoo cku yoyote icpokuwa Jumatatu, Jumanne, Jumatano, Alhamis Ijumaa, J'mosi wala jumapili!"

VERE TRUU

OVERLOADED

BLENDA

Siku ya kwanza :

MUME: vipi mke wangu salama
MKE:salama tu mume wangu
MUME:uko wapi
MKE:niko nyumbani mume wangu
MUME:mmh kama kweli uko nyumbani hebu washa blender niisikie
mke akawasha blender - haya umeisikia ??
MUME:ndio mke wangu nimeiskia

Siku ya pili :

MUME:vipi mke wangu habari za hapo nyumbani
MKE:nzuri tu kamaulivyotuacha tuko poa 

MUME:uko wapi
MKE:niko nyumbani mume wangu
MUME:kama uko nyumbani hebu washa blender niisikie

mke akawasha blender - haya umeisikia ??

MUME:ndio mke wangu nimeisikia

siku ya tatu

mume akahamua kurudi bila taarifa around mchana akamkuta mfanyakazi nyumbani akamuuliza

 "vipi mbona uko peke yako mama yuko wapi ?"

 yule mfanyakazi akamwambia 

 "mama ameondoka na blender tokea asubuhi hajarudi ...."

DEDICATION

Andunje calls a radio station and says

''I have found a wallet in a bus and in it has 680,000/=, ATM card PIN number written on it & a gold  chain. The owners ID reads Masanja Mkandamizaji.''

The radio presenter asks

'' Do you want to return the items to him?''...

Andunje says

''Aah NO! i just wanted to dedicate him the song

''U SAVED ME'' by R kelly'

A BOY IN CLASS

The class teacher asks students to name an animal that begins with an E.

One boy says: “Elephant.”

Then the teacher asks for an animal that begins with a T.

The same boys says: “Two elephants.”

The teacher sends the boy out of the class for bad behaviuor.

After that she asks for an animal beginning with M.

The boy shouts from the other side of the door: 

“Maybe an elephant!”

MCHUMBA

Madenge baada ya kufaulu mtihan wa Form Four akaambiwa achague zawad yoyote aipendayo,

Madenge: nataka posa nikamuoe bibi maana ni siku nyingi amekuwa akiniita mchumba wake,

Baba Madenge: Shenz ww yule ni mama yangu mzaz huwez kumuoa,

Madenge: Mbona ww umemuoa mama yangu mzaz sijasema kitu!

MASAI KATISHA

Baada ya kupanda daladala aina ya DCM kutoka Mbagala Chalambe mpaka Mwenge na kulipa sh 500. Masai akachukua taxi wakati wa kurudi walipofika sasa shughuli ilikuwa hivi.

Masai: we dureva? Naulisa Ng'ombe na mbusi ipi ngali?

Dereva: Ni ng'ombe ghali Masai.

Masai: kwanini Ng'ombe ngali?

Dereva: kwa sababu ni mkubwa zaidi ya mbuzi

Masai: umepata..na mbusi na kuku ipi ngali

Dereva: ni mbuzi kwa sababu nae ni mkubwa kuliko kuku.

Masai: Umepata..

Masai: sasa me nimekwenda kule Mwenge kwa gari kubwa nikalitoa sh500 sasa hii yako ndogo unasema nikupe 40,000 wewe acha wizi..Nitakupa 250 Tu..wee acha ibia morani...!

UMEELEWA??

UNA BAHATI

Mdada alikuwa akisafiri kwenye basi, ghafla Jamaa aliyekuwa kakaa kiti cha nyuma akamtapikia

JAMAA: Samahani dada lakini una bahati sana

MDADA: Mshenzi mkubwa umenitapikia halafu unasema nina bahati

JAMAA: Ndio leo nimetoka kula pilau, kwa kawaida saa hizi huwa nakuwa nimekunywa kangara