JEURI MBAYA

Hii ilitokea katika daladala litokalo posta kwenda ubungo, 

kondakta kauliza ''manzese hapo kuna mtu anashuka?'' 

Dada m1 akajibu ''Tuna mitandio''. 

Konda kauchuna, 

kufika ubungo maziwa yule dada kafika akamwambia konda, 

''Konda nashuka maziwa'' 

Konda akamwambia 

''Kayanunulie sidiria''.

UNA BAHATI LEO...

Mdada alikuwa akisafiri kwenye basi, ghafla Jamaa aliyekuwa kakaa kiti cha nyuma akamtapikia

JAMAA: Samahani dada lakini una bahati sana

MDADA: Mshenzi mkubwa umenitapikia halafu unasema nina bahati

JAMAA: Ndio leo nimetoka kula pilau, kwa kawaida saa hizi huwa nakuwa nimekunywa kangara

GOOD AND BAD NEWS

Pastor Masanja aliendelea na ibada kisha akasema:

"Today i have good news and bad news for you...."

waumini wakaitikia haleluyaah...

"mtumishi wa Mungu tungependa kusikia habari hizo..”

“The good news is we have enough money to build a new modern church"

(Everyone just cheered, clapped na wamama wakaanzisha wimbo.... Aleluyaaaah! Huuuu!)

After kutulia pastor Masanja went on:)

"The bad news is that the money is still in your pockets"

(Sahizo kila mtu anajifanya hajaskia)

WHO DO U LIKE MORE???

DAD: Who do you like more, Mum or Dad?

JOTI: Both.


DAD: Ok if I go to America and your mum goes to Paris, where will you go

JOTI: Paris 

DAD: That means you like your mum more?

JOTI: No, I like Paris.

DAD: OK, if I go to Paris and your mum goes to America, where will you go

JOTI: America.

DAD: [angry] Why!?

JOTI: Because I've been to Paris before

RESULTS

A man had 2 sons; Ken and Johnny who sat for an examination.

When the result came out, the father called both of them to ask them some questions:

Father: Ken, come here. You did very well in your exams, you got A's in chains.

Ken: Yes daddy, I want to study in America that's why I got A's.

Father: ... and you Johnny, can you explain why you got E's in chains?

Johnny: Yea Papa, its my Dream to study in England.

ALWAYS LISTEN

A 5yr old girl is sitting at dinner table with her dad.

Cellphone rings, dad excuses himself, goes outside and talks for a few minutes then comes back to continue his meal.

5yr old says: "Dad I have something to tell u"
Dad slaps her n yells at her; "How many times must I tell you not 2 talk while eating?"

Ten minutes later dinner is finished and dad ask…: "So what did u want to tell me?"

In tears the 5yr old girl said: "While u were on the phone the cat pissed in ur food...!"

HAUKO SIRIASI

Simu ya binti inaita ngriiiiiiiiiii ngriiiiiiiiiii. Binti anapokea. Jamaa upande wa pili akaanza:

Jamaa: Haloo mpenzi, vipi hali yako?

Binti: Kichwa kinanigonga si mchezo, sijui ni maleria au ni kichwa tu! Naumwa sana. Uko wapi swirii?

Jamaa: Niko town my dear. Natamani nije kukuona baadaye, nikuletee nini?

Binti: Wow! Mpenzi unanipenda sana. Niletee Chipsi Kuku, Ice Cream, Chocolate, na lile gauni na viatu ulivyoniambia, na vocha ya buku 10 please!

Jamaa: Nilikuwa najua unaumwa ila naona uongo umekuzidi.

Binti: Khaa, naumwa mwenzio! Tena sana. Kwani vipi we mwanaume?!

Jamaa: Na mbona hiyo list ya vitu umetaja hakuna hata Panadol?!

Binti: Jamani, ni kujisahau tu mpenzi wangu!

Jamaa: Hauko serious! Chapa mwendo.

WHERE IS THE MOUSE??

TWENDE BASI

Jamaa kazoeana na mdada wakati wanangoja daladala kituoni;

JAMAA: Sasa nauliza tu kwa mfano mtu anakuja anakwambia mwende gest atakulipa milioni tano utakubali?

MDADA: Hapo sina ujanja ntakubali

JAMAA: Mi nina alfu tano twende gest

MDADA: He we baba unadhani mi changudoa?

JAMAA: Mi nadhani tatizo letu hapa ni bei, hayo mengine majibu tumeshajua, basi alfu kumi je?

NJOO UKU

NIMETOKA WAPI??

MASANJA: Eti baba mi nilitoka wapi?

BABA: Dah, unajua mwanangu umeuliza swali zuri sana, kimsingi, ni mefurahi kuwa umeuliza, sasa eh eh eh sasa yaani mi na mama yako tulifahamiana kwanza kwenye facebook, hatimae tukakutana faragha ndio babu yako akatulazimisha tuoane ndio baada ya miezi michache wewe ukaja, sijui umeelewa nadhani

MASANJA: Wala sijaelewa, mwenzangu Joti kasema yeye katoka Songea, sasa mimi nimetoka wapi sijui

PASIWEDI

USAFI WA UKWELI

INSHA YA VITA

Mwalimu aliwaagiza wanafunzi wake waandike insha ya maneno 100 kila mmoja kuhusu vita ya Tanzania na Uganda kipindi cha Idd Amin. 

"Andika insha ya maneno yasiyozidi 100 ukiwa ni mwanajeshi katika vita vya Idd Amin wa Uganda na Tanzania kuanzia vita vinaanza hadi vilipoisha."

Wakati wa kusahihisha insha hizo mwalimu akakutana na insha ya
mwanafunzi mmoja aliyeandika:

"Yawaaaaaaaa! Uwiiiiiiii! Mama nakufaaaaaaaaaaa!!" Insha imeisha.

Mwalimu akamuita akamuuliza: mbona umeandika maneno machache hivi?

Mwanafunzi akajibu: yaani ile naingia tu vitani mpakani Kagera nikapigwa risasi hivyo sikumaliza vita.

MAMBO YA FESIBUKU

Niliangalia status tatu za Demu flani apa Facebook, ilikuwa ivi.

STATUS YA KWANZA:
"Leo lazima niende club"
Friday at 5:15pm
via Nokia

STATUS YA PILI:
"lol, siamini aiseee... Yaani kizee cha miaka 60 kimeniambia kinataka kiwe na mimi usiku mzima afu anipe simu ya blackberry!! Inaboa, anadhani mi ni Malaya"
Friday at 11:23pm
via Nokia

STATUS YA 3:
"Wow,... Usiku wa Jana ulikua poa sana, najisikia poa sana asubuhi ya Leo"
Saturday at 8:09am
via BlackBerry

A DAY HAS COME

DIET AT THE BEST

CHAPOMBE

Chapombe kamuomba rafiki yake hela ya kwenda kunywa, 

rafiki yake akamjibu: siwezi kukupa pesa ukanywe pombe. Niombe pesa kwa jambo lingine ila si pombe! 

Chapombe: nikifa hutatoa mchango? 

Rafiki: ukifa mchango lazima nitatoa. 

Chapombe: basi nipe advansi ya huo mchango leo, nikifa utamalizia kabisa kilichobakia.

BUSY ROAD

Masanja was walking home from school with his friend ( a girl)

The girl: Masanja I know you are my best friend, and I would like to tell you something that has been disturbing me for so long!

Masanja: What is it?

The girl: Will you promise to keep it secret and help me?

Masanja: Sure!

The girl: Ok my problem is that my private part does not grow hair!!!

Masanja: Wait a minute!In your entire life have you ever seen grass growing on a busy road????

MAMBO YA FORM FOUR

Moja ya sababu kwa nini asilimia 60 ya kizazi cha "Xaxa", "Xawa", "Xema", "Ya Ukwee" n.k. kimepata sufuri katika lipepa la form 4!

Haya ni baadhi ya majibu.

Pepa ya Maths.
Swali: Drake alinunua nyumba kwa mkopo was shilingi milioni 100 kwa riba ya asilimia 10 katika kipindi cha miaka miwili. Je atalipa shilingi ngapi jumla? (Maksi 10%)

Jibu: Mungu wangu! Umesema Drake wa Young Money Lebo? Kitu cha kwanza kabisa nipeni namba yake ya simu! Baada tu ya pepa nataka nipige naye kolabo!

Pepa ya Physics.

Swali: John hutumia dakika 40 kuendesha gari toka katikati ya mji hadi nyumbani kwake nahutumia mwendokasi wa kilomita 60 kwa saa. Kama angetembea kwa miguu angetumia mwendokasi gani kwa saa ili afike nyumbani kwa kutumia dakika 120?

Jibu: Kwanza kwa nini atumie miguu wakati gari analo? Mbona mnataka kututia wazimu? Atumie tu gari. Acheni hizi stori za kutumia miguu.

Pepa ya Bible:
Swali: David karudi nyumbani kutoka kazini na kumkuta mkewa amelala na mwanaume mwingine. Kulingana na maandiko ya Biblia na dhana nzima ya kusamehe, shauri huku ukitumia vifungu sahihi.

Jibu: Hapo hakuna stori. Vita lazima iwake! Mtu hawezi kula vitu vyangu namuangalia hivi hivi. Hamna mambo ya kifungu hata!

Pepa ya English:
Swali: Add a question tag on this sentence. "I am bored".
Jibu: Si uingie Facebook. Kuwega tag lazima uingie Facebook.

BODY BUILDERS

ROCK MUSIC

ACHA BANGI

MVUTA bangi alikwenda kwa daktari na kumwambia.


“Mara nyingi huwa nazungumza na watu,lakini cha kushangaza watu hao huwa siwaoni, utanisaidiaje daktari?”


Daktari: “Ni wakati gani huwa inakujia hali kama hiyo?”


Mvuta bangi:

 “Mara nyingi pale ninapoongea nao kwa simu.”

KATA KIU

JAMES BOND

On a flight James bond was sitting next to a Indian guy.

Indian Guy: “Hello, May I know your name please?”

James Bond: “My name is Bond’ Continuing in his inimitable style…..James Bond.”

Then Bond asks: “And you?

Indian Guy: “My name is Rao…
“Siva Rao…
“Samba Siva Rao…
“Venkata Samba Siva Rao…
“Yarlagadda Venkata Samba Siva Rao…
“Rajasekhara Yarlagadda Venkata Samba Siva Rao…
“Sitaramanjaneyula Rajasekhara Yarlagadda Venkata Samba Siva Rao…
“Vijayawada Sitaramanjaneyula Rajasekhara Yarlagadda Venkata Samba Siva Rao…

Since then when anyone asks Bond his name he simply says ‘James Bond’

A DUCK??

Three doctors went duck hunting and a bird flew overhead.

The general practitioner looked at it and said, “Looks like a duck, flies like a duck… it’s probably a duck,” and he took a shot at it but missed and the bird flew away.

When the next bird came into view, the pathologist looked at it, then through the pages of a bird manual, and said, 

“Hummmm… white wings, yellow bill, quacking sound… might be a duck,” and by the time he raised this gun to shoot, the bird was long gone.

The surgeon raised his gun and shot down a third bird almost without looking, then turned to the pathologist and said, 

“Go see if that was a duck.”

DIVORCE

A married couple is driving along the highway doing a steady fourty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel.

Her husband abruptly looks across at her, speaking in a clear voice, and says, “Darling, I know we’ve been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce.”

The wife says nothing, keeping her eyes on the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.

The husband speaks again, saying this time, “I don’t want you to try and talk me out of it, because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and she’s a far better lover than you.”

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.

He pushes his luck. “I want the house,” he demands.

Up to 65 mph. “I want the car, too,” he continues. Up to 75 mph! “And,” he says, “I’ll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards, the boat, and our dog!”

The car slowly begins veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her, “Isn’t there anything you want?”

At last the wife replies – in a quiet and controlled voice. “No, I’ve got everything I need.” she says.

“Oh, really?” he inquires, “So what exactly have you got?

Just before they slam into the wall at 80 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles, 

“The airbag.”

HELPING ELDERS USE TV

DAWA YA KITUNGUU

ENDELEA KULIA

Nimemkuta rafiki yangu analia kama mtoto mdogo chumbani kwake;

MIMI: Oya mshkaji vipi tena nani kafa?

MSHKAJI: Yaani Gulo kaniuwa, hivihivi bila kosa kaniuwa

MIMI: Hebu tulia nambie ishu nzima

MSHKAJI: Si unajua nimekuwa namlipia Gulo ada toka sekondari mpaka sasa yuko chuo nikijua ndio niko peke yangu na nitamuoa?

MIMI: Ndio

MSHKAJI: Jana nikataka kuangalia kanisevu nini kwenye simu yake

MIMI: Ok

MSHKAJI: Si kanisevu eti Mchungaji Peter 12

MIMI: Sasa tatizo liko wapi

MSHKAJI: Nilipoangalia majina mengine sinimekuta kuna Pasta Hamfrey, Pasta Henry, Askof Kitime , na kuna Mchungaji Peter 1 mpaka mimi wa 12, wakati hata siku moja haendi kanisani wala maombi

MIMI: Dah endelea kulia mwanangu

BWEGE FLANI

Kijana fulani alikuwa safarini, gari likamharibikia kijijini akaomba hifadhi katika nyumba moja akakaribishwa. Baada ya kuoga na kula:

Mzee mwenye nyumba: Sasa huyu mgeni sijui alale wapi?

Mama mwenye nyumba: Saa hizi ni usiku akalale na Bebi.

Jamaa kusikia jina Bebi akaona lazima huyu ni mtoto na labda anakojoa kitandani au analia akaona asije kumsumbua bure usiku.

Jamaa: Msipate tabu mi nitalala hapa hapa sebuleni kwenu.

Akalala.

Asubuhi wakati wanakunywa chai akaibuka msichana mmoja mrembo ajabu. Jamaa akapigwa na bumbuwazi karibu angejimwagia chai.

Binti: Umeamkaje mgeni? Naitwa Bebi, sijui wewe unaitwa nani?

Jamaa akajibu: aaaaaaaargghh!Mimi naitwa Mjinga bin Imekula Kwangu.

LASTING FOREVER

A man walks into a jewelry store to buy his girlfriend an engagement ring.

Looking behind the glass case, he comes across an exquisite band with a handsome-sized rock in its center.

"Excuse me sir," the gentleman says to the salesman. "How much is this ring?"

"Ah, that's a beautiful piece," the salesman replies. "It goes for $10,000."

"My God!" the man exclaimed. "That's a lot of money!"

"Yes, but a diamond is forever."

"Perhaps," the gentleman replied, "but my marriage won't last that long!"

STRESS FREE

TEACHER: Assume you are walking in a jungle, suddenly you are face to face with a lion, what will you do?

STUDENT: I will stop assuming!!

MAMBO 30

MAMBO 30 YANAYOKUONESHA KUWA SASA UMRI UMEKUTUPA MKONO....

1. Huna muda wa kushinda na mpenzi wako kutwa nzima mkipiga stori za mapenzi
2. Ukihitaji kufanya mapenzi mahali unakokufikiria ni kitandani
3. Unaanza kujaza friji lako kwa vyakula zaidi kuliko pombe
4. Muziki unaoupenda unausikia ukiwa kwenye lifti ama kwenye gari lako ukienda na kutoka kazini
5. Saa 11 alfajiri ndiyo muda unaoamka, na siyo muda tena unaorudi kulala
6. Unatazama taarifa ya habari hadi utabiri wa hali ya hewa
7. Rafiki zako wanakualika zaidi kwenye vikao vya harusi kuliko mtoko wa kwenda Maisha Club
8. Ukienda dukani kununua kitu unakuwa na juhudi sana ya kuomba upunguziwe bei
9. Idadi ya tisheti na jinsi inapungua kwa kasi kwenye kabati lako la nguo
10.Wewe ndiyo unayekumbuka kuwapigia simu polisi endapo mtaani kwenu kuna vijana wavuta bangi wanaowasumbua
11. Ndugu zako watu wazima wanajisikia kawaida tu kufanya utani wa kiutu uzima mbele yako
12. Hukumbuki tena Azam Ice Cream na Samaki Samaki wanafunga saa ngapi
13. Timu yako ya mpira ikifungwa hutaki tena kutaniwa na watu
14. Wanyama uwapendao kama mbwa na paka unawaandalia chakula kwa kanuni za kisayansi badala ya kuwapa mabaki uliyotoka nayo Subway ama Steers
15. Ukilala kwenye kochi unaamka mgongo unakuuma sana
16. Unaithamini sana ratiba yako ya kulala
17. Ukiwa nyumbani unaanza kutumia muda wako wa ziada kulima lima bustani ya maua ama mbogamboga badala ya kutazama filamu na kuzurura
18. Kila kitu kikinunuliwa nyumbani jambo la kwanza unalouliza, "Umenunua sh' ngapi?"
19. Unakwenda duka la madawa kununua Ibuprofen na Antacid, siyo kondomu tena wala kipima mimba
20. Unaanza kununua magazeti ya Mwananchi, The Express, Citizen na Nipashe badala ya Uwazi, Ijumaa, Kiu na Amani
21. Unapata kifungua kinywa kwa wakati
22. Ukiwa baa unanunua bia unazohitaji wewe badala ya kusema "zungusha kama tulivyo"
23. Asilimia 90 ya muda unaoutumia kwenye kompyuta yako unautumia kufanya kazi badala ya kuchati
24. Ukijisikia hamu ya kunywa kilevi unaanza kunywea nyumbani ili kupunguza gharama kabla hujaenda baa
25. Ukimwona rafiki yako yu mjamzito unampongeza sana badala ya kumwuliza, "imekuwaje tena?"
26. Ukienda kutembea mahali unaulizia bei za viwanja
27. Hupendi tena kuwaazimisha marafiki zako magari yako
28. Ukiwa na rafiki zako unapenda kujadiliana nao kuhusiana na mfumuko wa bei na mfumo mbovu wa utawala
29. Ukiwa unakula chakula unakuwa mkali ikitokea chakula kimewekwa mafuta mengi ama chumvi nyingi
30. Ukimaliza kusoma kanuni hizo 29 hapo juu unaanza kuhesabu ambazo unaingia wewe.

Ukiona una nusu ya sifa hizi 30 basi huhitaji kupigiwa kengele kukumbushwa kuwa umri ushayoyoma..­...!!!!!!!

REVENGE OF ITS OWN TYPE

John, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at 4:00 a.m. by his ringing telephone.

"Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said an angry voice.

John thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number before hanging up.

The next morning at precisely 4:00 a.m., John called his neighbor back.

"Good morning, Mr. Williams. I just called to say that I don't have a dog."